Buhay Hiwalay

What You Need to Know About Child Support

2010-08-25T02:56:00.000-07:00

Child support is a topic which tends to polarize all parties involved. Although in some situations, mothers pay child support to custodial fathers, in the vast majority of cases, mothers are the custodial parents and non-custodial fathers pay child support. So, how does the child support system work, and what does a father need to know in order to manage his obligations?

Q: How long does child support last?

A: Generally, the law requires a parent paying child support to make those payments until (1) your child is no longer a minor, unless the child has special needs; (2) the child becomes active-duty military; (3) your parental rights are terminated through adoption or another legal process, or (4) your minor child is declared "emancipated" by a court—that is, declared an adult earlier than normal because of the ability to be self-supporting.

Q: How does a custody decision in a divorce affect child support?

A: Both parents have responsibility to support their children financially. When a divorce occurs and one parent has physical custody of the children, that parent's responsibility is fulfilled by being the custodial parent. The other parent then makes a child support payment which fulfills that non-custodial parent's financial responsibilities. In the case of joint custody, the amount of child support each pays is normally calculated by the court considering the percentage each parent contributes to the couple's joint income and the percentage of time each parent has physical custody of the children.

Q: If you were never married to the child's mother, do you still have to pay?

A: Yes. The obligation to support a child is not conditioned by marriage. If you are a parent, you have responsibility to financially support your offspring. Your parental responsibilities can be legally determined either through your acknowledgment that you are a parent, by the fact that you had welcomed the child into your home as your own, or as established by a paternity test. State laws vary somewhat on the definition of a parent, so if there is some doubt about your parentage, you will want to consult with a family law attorney in your state.

It also happens at times that a man who fathered a child may not be asked to pay child support until the child's mother receives public assistance. In that case, the government may come to the father seeking back child support to reimburse the government for their assistance payments. Many fathers have been "blindsided" by these orders many years after the fact.

Q: Is a stepfather legally required to financially support his wife's children?

A: No. However, if he legally adopts the children and thus terminates the parental rights of the biological father, the stepfather becomes liable for their financial support.

Q: How is the amount of child support determined?

A: Each state in the United States is required by federal law to establish guidelines that are used to calculate child support due from parents based largely on their income and expenses. Because states have a fair amount of discretion in setting these guidelines, child support payments required vary widely between states, even under the same circumstances. But normally, the courts will take into account issues like the standard of living of the child prior to divorce, the specific needs of the child, the resources of the custodial parent and the non-custodial parent's ability to pay. Because in most states judges are allowed wide discretion in setting these payments, it is important for a non-custodial father to get as much information on the table with the court up-front to make the payments are fair as possible.

Q: Does my ability to earn enter into the calculations?

A: That depends on the judge and the circumstances. But generally, a child support payment would not be reduced if a father quit a full-time job and returned to school. If he became unemployed and then took a lower paying job, a reconsideration of the amount of child support due might be appropriate.

Q: What happens if I don't make my child support payments as ordered?

A: This is called big trouble. The court order defines the amount and payment schedule. Failing to meet the schedule is seen as defying an order of the court and could land you in jail, result in a garnishment of your wages, intercepting your tax refund, seizing property, suspending your business license or driver's license or other serious consequences. If you become unemployed or have some other extenuating circumstance, it is important that you begin the process immediately to have your child support amount modified. In most cases, the law prohibits a judge from retroactively reducing a child support payment, even if a reduction is reasonable after the fact.

Q: How can I change child support payments that are no longer fair?

A: Only the court can change a mandated child support payment, so any modification would have to be submitted to a judge. If both spouses agree on a change, it is usually a pretty simple process. When you don't agree, the request will be submitted by your family law attorney for a hearing. The spouse who wants to make a change over the other's objection has the burden to show what has changed and why a different amount (higher or lower) should be required. Temporary changes might be result of a medical emergency, a change in employment status or a short-term economic hardship on the part of the receiving parent.

A permanent change in child support is often considered when income changes due to a remarriage, either parent has a job change that affects ability to pay, or the child involved has new and different needs than were contemplated when the original amount was set.

Q: If my ex-spouse doesn't let me have visitation, can I withhold child support?

A: This is one of the biggest complaints of non-custodial fathers. Unfortunately, the answer is no. Child support payments and visitation are considered by the law to be totally separate issues. If your ex is not living up to the custody decree by providing visitation as required, you will need to go back to court to enforce the court order. You have an obligation to financially support your children, regardless of any visitation issues.

Keep Close To Home As a Divorced Dad

2010-08-25T01:57:00.000-07:00

Keep Close To Home As a Divorced Dad
Why Divorced Dads and Moms Shouldn't Move

A recent study by researchers at Arizona State University documents what many fathers have always known intuitively: that children of divorced parents are best off when the parents both live in the general vicinity, regardless of who has custody. This is a critical piece of information for any divorced dad who cares about keeping a great relationship with his children.

The study, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, debunks the myth found today in courtrooms all around America that it is not a problem when one parent relocates, whether that parent has custody of the children or not.

The study examined fourteen variables related to the stability of college age students who had been subject to a divorce in their growing up years. These measures included the amount of college education contributions from their families, measures of their personal/emotional adjustment, their level of hostility toward their parents, their romantic and friendship choices, their overall personal health and their life satisfaction.

Here are some of the very interesting findings of this comprehensive study:

* Of the children of divorced parents involved in the study, 61% experienced a move of at least one hour’s drive by one parent at least once during their childhood.

* Of divorced children whose parents contributed to their college education, the average contribution for children whose parents stayed in close proximity was $6.154. For those who moved with their mother away from their father, the contribution dropped to $4,378. For those who stayed with mom when the dad moved away, the contribution was $5,197.

* When measuring the inner turmoil and distress from the divorce, the researchers found that the scores were much lower for children whose parents both remained close by than when either the father or the mother moved, with our without the children.

* Students studied had better total rapport with their parents when both were located close by than when one was located at least an hour away from the children.

* Female students showed a much better ranking on overall personal health when both parents stayed in proximity. Their lowest health ranking was when they relocated with their mother away from their father.

The conclusion is clear—kids are better able to survive divorce when both parents stay located in close proximity to the children. So dad, if your kids’ mom wants to relocate for any reason, you have a significant reason to protest that move with the family court.

Basic Issue in Child Custody

2009-12-17T19:05:00.001-08:00

Custody of children is one of the most intense aspects in family litigation. A custody battle could be an independent case or a mere incident in an annulment/separation case. Here are some basic matters relating to custody.

In custody disputes, what is the paramount criterion?

The paramount criterion in custody disputes is the welfare and well-being of the child, or the best interest of the child. The court, in arriving at its decision as to whom custody of the minor should be given, must take into account the respective resources and social and moral situations of the contending parents. Nevertheless, this primordial rule can override the rights of one or both parents over their children.

What is the general rule as to custody over children?

The general rule is that a child under seven years of age shall not be separated from his mother, which is based on the basic need of a child for his mother’s loving care. Article 213 of the Family Code provides that “[n]o child under seven years of age shall be separated from the mother, unless the court finds compelling reasons to order otherwise.” This is more pronounced in case of illegitimate children, as the law expressly provides that illegitimate children shall be under the parental authority of their mother.

Is this rule absolute?

This rule is not absolute. Even a mother may be deprived of the custody of her child who is below seven years of age for “compelling reasons.” Instances of unsuitability are neglect, abandonment, unemployment and immorality, habitual drunkenness, drug addiction, maltreatment of the child, insanity, and affliction with a communicable illness. Negligent and careless failure to perform the duties of parenthood is a significant element of abandonment, regardless of actual intention. A strong basis for a finding of the parent’s abandonment of his or her child is found in the case where the parent has left the child permanently or indefinitely in the care of others, given it to another, or surrendered it entirely.

I left my child to a relative, even signing a document to such effect. Am I barred from taking back my child?

Parental authority and responsibility are inalienable and may not be transferred or renounced except in cases authorized by law. The right attached to parental authority, being purely personal, the law allows a waiver of parental authority only in cases of adoption, guardianship and surrender to a children’s home or an orphan institution. When a parent entrusts the custody of a minor to another, such as a friend or godfather, even in a document, what is given is merely temporary custody and it does not constitute a renunciation of parental authority. Even if a definite renunciation is manifest, the law still disallows the same.

The rule is that children older than 7 years old are allowed to state his preference. Is the court bound by such preference?

While such choice is given respect, the court is not bound by that choice. The court may exercise its discretion by disregarding the child’s preference should the parent chosen be found to be unfit, in which instance, custody may be given to the other parent, or even to a third person. Decisions on custody of children are always open to adjustment as the circumstances may warrant.

Legal Support for the Child and R.A. 9262

2009-12-17T18:51:00.000-08:00

Through all the family cases that we’ve handled, we’ve come to accept, without discounting the contrary, the sad fact that bad blood exists between the opposing parties (e.g., estranged spouses in annulment/separation/property cases, siblings and relatives in estate proceedings). In particular, with respect to custody-support cases over children, it’s easily understandable that custody is one of the more contested issues. However, the issue on child support should not be as complicated.

Well, it shouldn’t be as complicated, but reality makes it so.

Articles 195 and 196 of the Family Code enumerate the persons who are under obligation to support each other, thus: (1) The spouses; (2) Legitimate ascendants and descendants; (3) Parents and their legitimate children and the legitimate and illegitimate children of the latter; (4) Parents and their illegitimate children and the legitimate and illegitimate children of the latter; (5) Legitimate brothers and sisters, whether of full or half-blood; and (6) Brothers and sisters not legitimately related, whether of the full or half-blood, except only when the need for support of the brother or sister, being of age, is due to a cause imputable to the claimant’s fault or negligence.

On the other hand, the amount of support should be in proportion to the resources or means of the giver and the necessities of the recipient, pursuant to Articles 194, 201 and 202 of the Family Code:

Art. 194. Support comprises everything indispensable for sustenance, dwelling, clothing, medical attendance, education and transportation, in keeping with the financial capacity of the family.

The education of the person entitled to be supported referred to in the preceding paragraph shall include his schooling or training for some profession, trade or vocation, even beyond the age of majority. Transportation shall include expenses in going to and from school, or to and from place of work.

Art. 201. The amount of support, in the cases referred to in Articles 195 and 196, shall be in proportion to the resources or means of the giver and to the necessities of the recipient.

Art. 202. Support in the cases referred to in the preceding article shall be reduced or increased proportionately, according to the reduction or increase of the necessities of the recipient and the resources or means of the person obliged to furnish the same.

If you’re a parent, it is safe to assume that you would want the best for your child and you wouldn’t hesitate to provide adequate support. However, it’s unfortunate that when it comes to support for the common children (whether legitimate or illegitimate), so many fathers still fail (or worse, simply refuse) to provide adequate support. Whatever the reason is, and regardless of whether or not these reasons are correct, the problem became pervasive, so much so that Congress saw it fit to “criminalize” (only against fathers) the withholding of support in certain instances. Not everyone knows that this is covered under Republic Act No. 9262, otherwise known as the “Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004“.

Not everyone also knows that R.A. 9262 provides for criminal sactions or penalties for failure to provide support or withholding custody, in certain cases. Well, now you know.

Primer on the Solo Parents’ Welfare Act of 2000 (RA 8972)

2009-12-17T18:48:00.000-08:00

Primer on the Solo Parents’ Welfare Act of 2000 (RA 8972)
Published by Atty. Fred February 23rd, 2008 in Family and Property Law and Litigation and Labor Law. 2 Comments

Who is considered as a “solo parent”?

A “solo parent” (pursuant to Republic Act No. 8972, also known as the “Solo Parents’ Welfare Act of 2000″) is any individual who falls under any of the following categories:

(1) A woman who gives birth as a result of rape and other crimes against chastity even without a final conviction of the offender: Provided, That the mother keeps and raises the child;

(2) Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to death of spouse;

(3) Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood while the spouse is detained or is serving sentence for a criminal conviction for at least one (1) year;

(4) Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to physical and/or mental incapacity of spouse as certified by a public medical practitioner;

(5) Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to legal separation or de facto separation from spouse for at least one (1) year, as long as he/she is entrusted with the custody of the children;

(6) Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to declaration of nullity or annulment of marriage as decreed by a court or by a church as long as he/she is entrusted with the custody of the children;

(7) Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to abandonment of spouse for at least one (1) year;

(8) Unmarried mother/father who has preferred to keep and rear her/his child/children instead of having others care for them or give them up to a welfare institution;

(9) Any other person who solely provides parental care and support to a child or children;

(10) Any family member who assumes the responsibility of head of family as a result of the death, abandonment, disappearance or prolonged absence of the parents or solo parent.

A change in the status or circumstance of the parent claiming benefits under Republic Act No. 8972, such that he/she is no longer left alone with the responsibility of parenthood, shall terminate his/her eligibility for these benefits.

Who are considered as “children”?

“Children” refer to those living with and dependent upon the solo parent for support who are unmarried, unemployed and not more than eighteen (18) years of age, or even over eighteen (18) years but are incapable of self-support because of mental and/or physical defect/disability.

What is “parental responsibility”?

With respect to minor children, it refers to the rights and duties of the parents as defined in Article 220 of Executive Order No. 209 (also known as the “Family Code of the Philippines“). Article 220 provides that the parents and those exercising parental authority shall have, with the respect to their unemancipated children on wards, the following rights and duties:

(1) To keep them in their company, to support, educate and instruct them by right precept and good example, and to provide for their upbringing in keeping with their means;

(2) To give them love and affection, advice and counsel, companionship and understanding;

(3) To provide them with moral and spiritual guidance, inculcate in them honesty, integrity, self-discipline, self-reliance, industry and thrift, stimulate their interest in civic affairs, and inspire in them compliance with the duties of citizenship;

(4) To furnish them with good and wholesome educational materials, supervise their activities, recreation and association with others, protect them from bad company, and prevent them from acquiring habits detrimental to their health, studies and morals;

(5) To represent them in all matters affecting their interests;

(6) To demand from them respect and obedience;

(7) To impose discipline on them as may be required under the circumstances; and

(8) To perform such other duties as are imposed by law upon parents and guardians.

What are the employment-related benefits available to ALL “solo parents”?

Flexible work schedule. This refers to the right of a solo parent employee to vary his/her arrival and departure time without affecting the core work hours as defined by the employer. The employer shall provide for a flexible working schedule for solo parents, as long as it shall not affect individual and company productivity. In case of certain meritorious grounds, the employer may request exemption from DOLE.

No work discrimination. Employer are prohibited from discriminating against any solo parent employee with respect to terms and conditions of employment on account of his/her status.

Parental leave. “Parental leave” means leave benefits granted to a solo parent to enable him/her to perform parental duties and responsibilities where physical presence is required. In addition to leave privileges under existing laws, parental leave of not more than seven (7) working days every year shall be granted to any solo parent employee who has rendered service of at least one (1) year.

What other benefits are available to “solo parents”?

Subject to income thresholds (”poverty threshold”) set by the National Economic and Development Authority (NEDA) and subject to the assessment of the DSWD worker in the area, “solo parents” shall be entitled to the following:

Educational benefits, including scholarship programs for qualified solo parents and their children in institutions of basic, tertiary and technical/skills education, and nonformal education programs appropriate for solo parents and their children.

Housing benefits, including allocation in government low-cost housing projects, with liberal terms of payment.

Medical assistance, with comprehensive health care programs for solo parents and their children to be implemented by the DOH through their retained hospitals and medical centers and the local government units (LGUs) through their provincial/district/city/municipal hospitals and rural health units (RHUs).

Divorce, Philippine-style

2009-06-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

Global Networking
Divorce, Philippine-style
By Rodel Rodis
INQUIRER.net First Posted 07:34:00 06/12/2009 Filed Under: Family, Laws

Of the 195 countries in the world, only three do not currently allow for divorce and that number will be further reduced by one next year when Malta officially adopts a divorce law. This total includes all 53 countries in Africa, 52 out of the 53 in Asia, 47 out of the 48 in Europe, all 13 in South America, and all 7 in Central America. Each of these incredibly diverse countries—whether Christian, Muslim or Buddhist, democracy or dictatorship—have adopted some form of divorce law except for the Philippines and Vatican City.

Included among the vast majority of countries is Italy, the home base of Roman Catholicism, which amended its Civil Code on December 1, 1970 to permit the granting of divorces. Also included is Spain, the country which brought Christianity to the Philippines, which passed a divorce law in 1981. Ireland—the country that has sent more Catholic priests to the Philippines than perhaps any other country—prohibited divorce in its 1937 Constitution but repealed this prohibition in 1995.

All over the world, people and nations have accepted the wisdom and justice of providing for some form of dissolution of a state-sanctioned marriage except understandably for Vatican City, the eternal bastion of total male superiority which will never need to pass a divorce law for its assorted priests, bishops, cardinals, and its Holy Father Pope. And, inexplicably, for the Philippines, which has had two women presidents and where women comprise the majority of its population.

There it is, in the first article of its Family Code, the Philippine state declares that marriage is an "inviolable social institution, a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman."

But critics point out that it is a “permanent union” only for the women as the men have had no problems engaging in “unions” with other women. One Philippine senator openly brags about siring 82 children with dozens of women. One former president openly acknowledges his relationships with various mistresses who remain actively involved in his presidential quest.

While divorce is not legal in the Vatican and in the Philippines, both provide for the nullity of marriage. The canonical law of the Vatican provides for ecclesiastical declarations of nullity. The Philippine Family Code has provisions on Declaration of Absolute Nullity, Annulment and Legal Separation which substantially coincide with the Vatican’s canon law provisions on Nullity while the Family Code provision on Legal Separation is essentially the same as the Catholic Church's provision on Canonical Separation.

OA

Annulment or nullity refers to a process of invalidating what was previously valid. A legal fiction is created whereby the state officially declares a marriage void “ab initio,” from the beginning. If the marriage never existed, then there is no need to dissolve it.

The grounds for nullity in the Philippines are: minority (a party below 18 even with the consent of parents), lack of authority of the solemnizing officer, absence of a marriage license, bigamous/polygamous marriage, mistaken identity, incestuous marriage, and psychological incapacity.

Psychological incapacity, according to one legal authority, “contemplates downright incapacity or inability to take cognizance of and to assume the basic marital obligations; not a mere refusal, neglect or difficulty, much less, ill will, on the part of the errant spouse.”

This “nullity by psychological incapacity” is the Philippine version of divorce. In the United States, the grounds for nullity are all based on conditions that were in existence at the time of the taking of the marital vows (bigamous marriage, minority, physical incapacity, mental incapacity, and fraud). Divorce, on the other hand, is based on conditions that occur after the marriage.

In the Philippines, married parties were always able to file petitions to have their marriages annulled based on the same pre-existing conditions that are the grounds for nullity in the United States. A significant change occurred in the Philippines in 1988 when parties were now able to file for nullity based on conditions that occurred after marriage where one errant party has displayed conflicting personality, emotional immaturity, irresponsibility, or has engaged in physical abuse, habitual alcoholism, sexual infidelity or perversion, and abandonment. Or even, in at least one case, “habitual lying.” These are normally grounds for divorce in the United States.

More than 21 years later, the practice and procedure for obtaining a “nullity by psychological incapacity” has expanded, even providing for instances where the respondent spouse is out of the country or could not otherwise be served with the legal papers by allowing for summons by publication.

While divorce by any other name is still a divorce, in the Philippines, it is only because it came by another name, “nullity by psychological incapacity,” that it exists. How it came into being is a story filled with serendipity and irony.

When Cory Aquino became president on February 26, 1986, after People Power ousted Ferdinand Marcos, she abolished the 1973 Constitution that Marcos enacted by dictatorial fiat and replaced it with the 1986 “Freedom Constitution.” She then appointed 50 commissioners to draft a new constitution that would be presented to the people for ratification in February of 1987. Under Cory’s “Freedom Constitution,” there were only two branches of government, the Executive and the Judiciary where the power to make laws was vested in the Executive branch.

Cory had three legal advisers, all women, who were concerned about the inequity in cases where Filipino women were divorced by their foreigner husbands who were able to remarry while their Filipino wives could not do so about cases where the Filipino husbands were abusive or otherwise sick in the head.

Cory’s advisers knew that a Congress would never pass such a law that would be favorable to women and which the Church would consider “contrary to Philippine culture and tradition.” With Cory’s power to enact laws by her decree under the Freedom Constitution about to end, the advisers hurriedly drafted a Family Code which included provisions for this Philippine divorce by another name. Cory signed it into law on July 6, 1987 before the Philippine Congress was re-established and convened on July 27, 1987.

While officially, the Philippines is the only country aside from Vatican City to not allow for divorce, unofficially, the Philippines is in step with the rest of the world on this issue. Ironically, this was accomplished by the most devoutly Catholic president the Philippines has ever had.

Divorce and Annulment in the Catholic Church

2009-05-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

Church Tradition:

Unlike Protestants and the Anglican Communion, who base their beliefs almost exclusively on the Bible, Catholics also value the cumulative tradition of the Church.

The Church Fathers in the early church movement, the Church Councils in later years, and various popes to the present time have consistently held that after a valid marriage is consummated, it is indissoluble until the death of one spouse. Some examples:

The Shepherd of Hermas (a.k.a. The Pastor of Hermas) describes a conversation between a Christian leader and a follower. 4 There is no consensus on the date of its composition; estimates range from 50 to 160 CE. or even later. One source says that the most likely date is "between c.AD 139-155; proposals for a first-century date of composition are largely dismissed today." 5 Some attribute the authorship to the Apostolic Fathers; others to the Hermas mentioned by Paul; still others say the work is anonymous. "Irenaeus, Clement of Alexandria, Origen and [initially] Tertullian treated it as divinely inspired, on par with what was later to become New Testament Scripture." 5 Some unsuccessfully argued that it be included as a canonical work in the Bible. Section 35.1, "Mandate the Fourth" deals with marriage. Verses 35:16-18 discuss a case in which a wife commits adultery, and the husband detects it:

35:16 "What then, Sir", say I, "shall the husband do, if the wife continue in this case"?

35:17 "Let him divorce her", said he, "and let the husband abide alone:"

35:18 "but if after divorcing his wife he shall marry another, he likewise commits adultery".

Justin Martyr (circa 107-176 CE) wrote: "He that marrys her that has been put away by another man commits adultery. " 6

Athenagoras (134 - 190 CE) wrote "For whosoever shall put away his wife and shall marry another, committed adultery." 7

Tertullian (160-230 CE) wrote: "They enter into adulterous unions even when they do not put away their wives, we are not allowed to even marry although we put our wives away." 8

Clement of Alexandria (150-circa 220 CE) was very specific when he wrote: "You shall not put away your wife except for fornication, and [Holy Scripture] considers as adultery a remarriage while the other of the separated persons survives." 9

New Advent.org lists similar writings by Basil of Cæsarea, John Chrysostom, Ambrose, Jerome, and Augustine. Their web site mentions that some ancient authors "treat the husband more mildly in case of adultery, or seem to allow him a new marriage after the infidelity of his spouse, does not prove that these expressions are to be understood of the permissibility of a new marriage, but of the lesser canonical penance and of exemption from punishment by civil law. Or if they refer to a command on the part of the Church, the new marriage is supposed to take place after the death of the wife who was dismissed." 3

Synod of Elvira (300 CE) issued Canon 9: "A faithful woman who has left an adulterous husband and is marrying another who is faithful, let her be prohibited from marrying; if she has married, let her not receive communion until the man she has left shall have departed this life, unless illness should make this an imperative necessity." 3

The Synod of Arles (314 CE) instructs those young men who had dismissed their wives on grounds of adultery to not remarry. 3

The Second Council of Mileve (416), the Council of Hereford (673), and the Council of Friuli (791 CE) made similar statements. 3

Pope Innocent I wrote: "Your diligence has asked concerning those, also, who, by means of a deed of separation, have contracted another marriage. It is manifest that they are adulterers on both sides." 10

Pope Zacharias wrote: "If any layman shall put away his own wife and marry another, or if he shall marry a woman who has been put away by another man, let him be deprived of communion." 11

The Council of Trent issued two canons during their 24th session:

Canon 5: "If anyone shall say that the bond of matrimony can be dissolved for the cause of heresy, or of injury due to cohabitation, or of willful desertion; let him be anathema."

Canon 7: "If anyone shall say that the Church has erred in having taught, and in teaching that, according to the teaching of the Gospel and the Apostles, the bond of matrimony cannot be dissolved, and that neither party -- not even the innocent, who has given no cause by adultery -- can contract another marriage while the other lives, and that he, or she, commits adultery who puts away an adulterous wife, or husband, and marries another; let him be anathema."

Annulments - in theory:

The proper term for an annulment is "An Ecclesiastical Declaration of Nullity." 12 Such declarations can be issued by a church tribunal to cover marriage and other sacraments.

Divorces are not permitted within the Roman Catholic Church, because valid marriages are considered to be indissoluble. Church canon law 1055 states that any marriage that takes place is legally presumed to be a valid sacrament, and is thus permanent. However, if sufficient convincing evidence can be shown which indicates that it was not a valid marriage, then a Declaration of Nullity may be given. This is, in effect, saying that the marriage never existed; it was not an ecclesial reality. Only after an annulment is granted may the couple be free to marry other people. This requirement is not restricted just to Catholics. A Protestant may marry another Protestant, and later divorce. If one of them wants to marry a Catholic, they must first receive an annulment from the Church for their first marriage.

Even though an annulment implies that no valid marriage occurred, children of that marriage are considered legitimate. (Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC] 1138 & 1139). An "annulment can't affect children's status retroactively." 13

Church canon law 1057 states that a marriage is brought about by:

1. The consent of the parties (the bride and groom),
2. legitimately manifested,
3. by those qualified according to the law (again, the bride and the groom).

An annulment may be obtained on a number of grounds. Some are listed below:
bullet It may be granted if it can be proven that there was "a defect of consent on the part of one or both ministers [i.e. the bride or groom]. Or, the consent was not legitimately manifested. Or, one or both of the parties may have been incapable according to law to exchange consent." 12

Consent of the parties requires that the bride and groom, at the time of marriage:

Understand the nature of marriage: that it is permanent, that they are to remain monogamous, that they are open to having children, etc.

Not having placed conditions on their marriage, like marrying only if they would live in a certain city, or would have no more than two children.

Be free of mental illnesses -- including latent illnesses that have not been diagnosed -- that might restrict their ability to give consent.

Be free of fraud and deceit.

Be "free of coercion or grave external fear." (CCC, 1628)

An annulment may also be granted "by reason of a defect of form" if it is determined that the officiating priest lacked the proper authority. Alternatively, if two baptized Catholics decide to get married in a civil service by a Justice of the Peace, their marriage is not recognized as valid by the church.
bullet

The bride and groom must have met certain requirements at the time that they married. Some are:

They must be old enough (16 years for the groom; 14 for the bride).

The groom or bride must not be a member of a Catholic religious order.

Neither has lied about the existence of a previous marriage.

The bride and groom are not too closely related, either by direct blood relationship, or adoption, or marriage.

They must have been baptized as Catholics, or have obtained special permission to marry.

The pope may dissolve a marriage that was not consummated.

Annulments - in practice:

The Archdiocese of Boston, reports that a typical annulment takes about one year to complete. It costs about $900 of which the petitioner is expected to pay about half. Contrary to common rumors, the Church loses millions of dollars a year in the granting of annulments. "The process is involved. The Petitioner is asked to submit detailed testimony. The tribunal contacts the former spouse. Witnesses are required. An expert in the field of psychology may be required for an assessment. It is not an easy process. However, it is not impossible either." 12

Most individual Roman Catholics appear to ignore the Church's teachings about remarriage. After divorcing, they often remarry without first having received an annulment. David Willey of the British Broadcasting Corp. stated that the Holy Roman Rota (the Vatican court that handles some annulments) processes about 200 marriage annulments per year, while civil courts in Italy process over 100,000.

Twenty one percent of adult American Catholics have experienced a divorce. 15 This is equal to the rate experienced by Lutherans, Atheists and Agnostics. It is lower than mainline Protestants at 25%, much lower than Baptists at 29%, and a great deal lower than non-denominational Protestants at 34%.

The Archdiocese of Boston estimates that fewer than 20% of the couples that can apply for an annulment do so. Since over 80% of divorced individuals remarry, it is obvious that many Catholics remarry outside the church, and that their new marriages are not recognized by the church.

The trap that some Catholics find themselves:

Couples that obtain a civil divorce and remarry without first obtaining an annulment are denied access to the Sacraments of Penance (a.k.a. Confession) and Holy Eucharist. (Catechism 1650).

They are caught between a rock and a hard place:

If they continue in the new marriage, then they cannot repent of and confess their sins through the Sacraments of Penance, and return to Communion. Meanwhile, their sins are accumulating. Because the church does not recognize their new marriage, it considers every sexual act within the marriage to be a new act of adultery -- a mortal sin. According to the church's teachings, this means that they will not attain Heaven when they die. They will end up being eternally tormented in Hell. 20 There are only two ways of avoiding this state:

To be fortunate enough to not die suddenly (e.g. to not die instantly in a car accident or from a massive heart attack). This way, they might be able to receive the Last Anointing by which their mortal sins are forgiven. Needless to say, this is a risky route to take.

To make an "act of perfect contrition" instead of Confession. But this requires the individual to repent of what the Church considers their sins of adultery, and sincerely intend to never engage in "adultery" in the future.

If they separate from their new spouse, and live alone, and sincerely intend to remain separated unless a annulment is granted, then they can resume their access the Sacraments of Penance and Holy Eucharist. But that would require them to violate their new marriage vows, and terminate their marital relationship. This option often seems profoundly immoral to the couple, particularly if there are children involved.

Judging from the overwhelming percentage of Roman Catholics who never apply for an annulment, it would seem that most have abandoned their idea of mortal sin leading them to Hell. For those Catholics who believe in the teachings of their church, it would seem expedient to apply for an annulment as soon as possible so that they would be free to enter into a new relationship when they wish.

Statement by the Pope directed to Catholic divorce lawyers:

On 2002-JAN-29, Pope John Paul delivered his annual speech before the Holy Roman Rota, the Vatican court that hears marriage annulments. He said that divorce is an "evil" that is "spreading like a plague" through society. He said, in part: "Lawyers, who work freely, should always decline to use their professions for an end that is contrary to justice, like divorce." He repeated the Church's position that: "Marriage is indissoluble..." In an apparent rejection of the validity of secular divorce laws in various political jurisdiction, he said: "...it doesn't make any sense to talk about the 'imposition' of human law, because it should reflect and protect natural and divine law." 17 "The Pope's spokesman, Joaquin Navarro-Valls, said this was the first time the pontiff had explicitly discussed these ideas and described the remarks as 'an application of the general moral principle of not allowing us to cooperate with something that is evil'." 18

Reaction to the pope's statement was mostly negative:

Denise Lester, a specialist in British family law commented that lawyers already work to promote reconciliation where it is possible. She said: "Lawyers should be free to work with the laws of the state. This is a multi-ethnic society where divorce is legal, and lawyers, as servants of the community, should be able to able to carry out their work....The Pope's comments could have an impact on freedom of choice for both lawyers and their clients."

Cesare Rimini, an Italian divorce lawyer is reported as saying: "The laws of the state do not interfere in the laws of the Church, so it would be right if the Church did not interfere in the realm of judges and lawyers."

Right-wing politician Alessandra Mussolini, grand-daughter of the fascist dictator Benito Mussolini, commented: "Divorce, at times, is a salvation because it interrupts a spiral of hate and terror even for children." 17
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Roman Catholic Archbishop Hart of Melbourne, Australia, said that the Pope's remarks did not mean Catholic lawyers and judges were forbidden to take part in divorce cases. Archbishop Hart said that the pope "...doesn't say that. What he is talking about is a change of attitude so that lawyers don't automatically assume that divorce is the answer." 19

Roman Catholic Archbishop Pell of Sydney, said that: "The English translations are clumsy and somewhat misleading on the role of Catholic judges and lawyers in civil divorce proceedings. Catholics judges [and by inference, lawyers] can participate for the common good in divorce proceedings, for example to help ensure the legal rights of all participants, such as the care of children, the protection of inheritances and distribution of property." 19

References:

1. J. Carl Laney, "The Divorce Myth," Bethany House, (1981). Read reviews or order this book safely from Amazon.com online book store
2. H.W. House, Ed., "Divorce and remarriage: Four Christian views," InterVarsity Press, (1990), Page 25. Read reviews or order this book
3.

"Divorce in Moral Theology," New Advent, at: http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/05054c.htm
4. J.B. Lightfoot, trans., "The Shepherd of Hermas," at: http://wesley.nnu.edu/noncanon/fathers/ante-nic/hermas1.htm
5. "The Shepherd of Hermas," Monachos.net, at: http://www.monachos.net/patristics/hermas/index.shtml
6. Justin Martyr, "First Apology," xv, P.G., VI, 349
7. Athenagoras, "Defense for the Christians (Legatio pro Christ)," xxxiii (P.G., VI, 965)
8. Tertullian, "De monogamiâ", c, ix (P.L., II, 991).
9. Clement of Alexandria, "Strom.", II, xxiii (P.G., VIII, 1096).
10. Innocent 1,"Epist. ad Exsuper.", c. vi, n. 12 (P.L., XX, 500).
11. Zacharias, letter to Pepin and the Frankish bishops, 747.
12. Rev. Michael Foster, "Can a marriage be declared null?," Archdiocese of Boston, at: http://www.rcab.org/marriage.html
13. Jennifer M. Paquette, "Catholic Annulment," Beliefnet.com at: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/75/story_7562_1.html#cont
14.

"Christians Are More Likely to Experience Divorce Than Are Non-Christians," Barna Research Ltd., at: http://www.barna.org/cgi-bin/PagePressRelease
15.

"Christians Are More Likely to Experience Divorce Than Are Non-Christians," Barna Research Ltd., at: http://www.barna.org/cgi-bin/PagePressRelease
16.

Roman Catholic Divorce Issues, at: http://www.divorceinfo.com/catholic.htm This essay includes many links to essays on divorce, annulment and remarriage in the Catholic church on other web sites.
17. "Pope tells lawyers to boycott divorce," BBC News, 2002-JAN-29, at: http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/hi/english
18. Darrin Farrant, "Lawyers oppose Pope on divorce," at: http://www.lapresrupture.qc.ca/cpa
19. "Divorce: Archbishops say Pope's advice mistranslated," Catholic News, at: http://www.cathtelecom.com/news/
20. "Catechism of the Catholic Church: IV. The gravity of sin: Mortal and venial sin, #1856," at: http://www.christusrex.org/www1/CDHN/gravity.html

Copyright © 2002 to 2006 by Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance
Originally written: 2002-APR-18
Latest update: 2006-FEB-08
Author: B.A. Robinson

Proposed Divorce Law in the Philippines

2009-05-13T05:56:00.000-07:00

Proposed Divorce Law in the Philippines
Published by jlp August 5th, 2008 in Annulment and Legal Separation.

Divorce is a controversial topic, except that it’s often discussed with hushed voices (related discussion here). In 2005, party-list representative Liza Masa of Gabriela filed a divorce bill. In 2001, similar bills were filed in the Senate (Bill No. 782), introduced by Senator Rodolfo G. Biazon, and House of Representatives (Bill No. 878), introduced by Honorable Bellaflor J. Angara-Castillo. In 1999, Representative Manuel C. Ortega filed House Bill No. 6993, seeking for the legalization of divorce. This Congress (14th Congress), Gabriela again filed a bill to introduce divorce in the Philippines. Here’s the explanatory note of House Bill 3461, filed by GABRIELA Women’s Party Representatives Liza Largoza-Maza and Luzviminda Ilagan. Let’s open this topic for discussion by everyone. Let’s avoid name-calling and focus on the merits. If you support or oppose the bill, then perhaps you could talk to your respective representatives in the House.

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Underpinning this proposal is a commitment to the policy of the State to protect and strengthen marriage and the family as basic social institutions, to value the dignity of every human person, to guarantee full respect for human rights, and to ensure the fundamental equality before the law of women and men. The provisions of this bill are consistent with and in pursuit of those State policies.

In Filipino culture, marriage is regarded as a sacred union and the family founded on marriage is considered as a fount of love, protection and care. Philippine society generally frowns upon and discourages marital break-ups and so provides cultural and legal safeguards to preserve marital relations. Cultural prescriptions and religious norms keep many couples together despite the breakdown of the marriage. But the cultural prescriptions for women and men differ. Women are traditionally regarded as primarily responsible for making the marriage work and are expected to sacrifice everything to preserve the marriage and the solidarity of the family. While absolute fidelity is demanded of wives, men are granted sexual license to have affairs outside marriage. Yet when the marriage fails, the woman is blamed for its failure.

Reality tells us that there are many failed, unhappy marriages across all Filipino classes. Many couples especially from the marginalized sectors, who have no access to the courts, simply end up separating without the benefit of legal processes. The sheer number of petitions that have been filed since 1988 for the declaration of the nullity of the marriage under Article 36 of the Family Code (commonly known as “annulment”) shows that there are just too many couples who are desperate to get out of failed marriages.

Even when couples start out well in their marriage, political, economic and social realities take their toll on their relationship. Some are not prepared to handle the intricacies of married life. For a large number of women, the inequalities and violence in marriage negate its ideals as the embodiment of love, care and safety and erode the bases upon which a marriage is founded. The marital relations facilitate the commission of violence and perpetuate their oppression. Official figures support this. The 2003 report of the Philippine National Police shows that wife battering accounted for 53.6 percent of the total 8,011 cases of violence against women. About three of ten perpetrators were husbands of the victims. Husbands accounted for 28 per cent of the violence against women crimes. The Department of Social Welfare and Development reported that in 2003, of the 15,314 women in especially difficult circumstances that the agency serviced, 25.1 per cent or 5,353 were cases of physical abuse, maltreatment and battering.

Given these realities, couples must have the option to avail of remedies that will pave the way for the attainment of their full development and self-fulfillment and the protection of their human rights. Existing laws are not enough to address this need. To quote the Women’s Legal Bureau, Inc., a legal resource NGO for women:

“The present laws relating to separation of couples and termination of marriage are inadequate to respond to the myriad causes of failed marriages. Particularly, the remedies of declaration of nullity and annulment do not cover the problems that occur during the existence of marriage. Legal separation, on the other hand, while covering problems during marriage, does not put an end to marriage.”

“Though both divorce and a declaration of nullity of a marriage allow the spouses to remarry, the two remedies differ in concept and basis. A declaration of nullity presupposes that the marriage is void from the beginning and the court declares its non-existence… Beyond [the] grounds specified [in the law], declaration of nullity is not possible. ”

“In annulment, the marriage of the parties is declared defective from the beginning, albeit it is considered valid until annulled. The defect can be used to nullify the marriage within a specified period but the same may be ignored and the marriage becomes perfectly valid after the lapse of that period, or the defect may be cured through some act. The defect relates to the time of the celebration of the marriage and has nothing to do with circumstances occurring after the marriage is celebrated. In annulment, the marriage is legally cancelled, and the man and woman are restored to their single status. ”

“Since August 3, 1988, couples have been given a way out of failed marriages through Article 36 of the Family Code…The remedy provided under Article 36 is declaration of nullity of the marriage. The article voids a marriage where one party is “psychologically incapacitated” to comply with the essential ofmarital obligations. Consistent with the concept of void marriages (where the remedy is declaration of nullity), the law requires that the incapacity must have existed at the time of the celebration of the marriage In practice, Article 36 has become a form of divorce, as valid marriages are declared void every day in the guise of “psychological incapacity.” The innumerable Article 36 cases brought to trial courts is an indication of the elasticity of Article 36 to accommodate the needs of many couples desiring to terminate their marriages. It is proof that divorce is needed in the Philippines. Article 36 provides a remedy only for spouses who can prove “psychological incapacity”. The concept certainly cannot accommodate all cases where divorce would have necessary. What we need is a divorce law that defines clearly and unequivocally the grounds and terms for terminating a marriage. That law will put an end to the creative efforts played daily in courtrooms across the country to accommodate a wide range of cases in order to prove “psychological incapacity.” (Women’s Legal Bureau, Inc., The Relevance of Divorce in the Philippines, 1998)

Thus, this bill seeks to introduce divorce as another option for couples in failed and irreparable marriages.

This bill was crafted in consultation with women lawyers and inspired by the studies and inputs of various women’s groups and the experiences of spouses gathered by GABRIELA from its various chapters nationwide.

The bill seeks to introduce divorce in Philippine law with a strong sense of confidence that it will be used responsibly by Filipino couples. This confidence stems from the experiences of Filipino families that show that separation is usually the last resort of many Filipino couples whose marriage has failed. Cases of battered women also support this. Battered women invariably seek separation only after many years of trying to make the marriage work; separation only becomes imperative for them when they realize that it is necessary for their and their children’s survival. Divorce could actually provide protection to battered women and their children from further violence and abuse. With the predominance of the Catholic faith in the Philippines, the fear that divorce will erode personal values on marriage appears unfounded. The experience of Italy, where the Vatican is located, and Spain, two predominantly Catholic countries which practice divorce, supports this. Those countries have a low rate of divorce. Italy registers a 7% rate while Spain registers 15%. The figures reflect the strong influence of religious beliefs and culture on individuals in deciding to terminate marital relations.

Historically, divorce had been part of our legal system. In the beginning of the 16th century, before the Spanish colonial rule, absolute divorce was widely practiced among ancestral tribes such as the Tagbanwas of Palawan, the Gadangs of Nueva Viscaya, the Sagadans and Igorots of the Cordilleras, and the Monobos, Bila-ans and Moslems of the Visayas and Mindanao islands. Divorce was also available during the American period, starting from 1917 (under Act No. 2710 enacted by the Philippine Legislature), and during the Japanese occupation (under Executive Order No. 141) and after, until 1950. It was only on August 30, 1950, when the New Civil Code took effect, that divorce was disallowed under Philippine law. Only legal separation was available. The same rule was adopted by the Family Code of 1988, which replaced the provisions of the New Civil Code on marriage and the family, although the Family Code introduced the concept of “psychological incapacity” as a basis for declaring the marriage void.

In recognition of the history of divorce in the Philippines, the framers of the 1987 Philippine Constitution left the wisdom of legalizing divorce to the Congress. Thus, the 1987 Constitution does not prohibit the legalization of divorce.

This bill is respectful of and sensitive to differing religious beliefs in the Philippines. It recognizes that the plurality of religious beliefs and cultural sensibilities in the Philippines demand that different remedies for failed marriages should be made available. For this reason, the bill retains the existing remedies of legal separation, declaration of nullity of the marriage and annulment and only adds divorce as one more remedy. Couples may choose from these remedies depending on their situation, religious beliefs, cultural sensibilities, needs and emotional state. While divorce under this proposed measure severs the bonds of marriage, divorce as a remedy need not be for the purpose of re-marriage; it may be resorted to by individuals to achieve peace of mind and facilitate their pursuit of full human development. This bill also seeks to make Philippine law consistent in the way it treats religious beliefs with respect to termination of marriage. Philippine law through the Code of Muslim Personal Laws of the Philippines (Presidential Decree No. 1083 [1977]) allows divorce among Filipino Muslims, in deference to the Islamic faith which recognizes divorce. Non-Muslim Filipinos should have the same option under Philippine law, in accordance with their religious beliefs.

The bill proposes five grounds for divorce. All the five grounds are premised on the irreparable breakdown of the marriage and the total non-performance of marital obligations. Thus, the bill provides that a petition for divorce may be filed when the petitioner has been separated de facto (in fact) from his or her spouse for at least five years at the time of the filing of the petition and reconciliation is highly improbable, or when the petitioner has been legally separated from his or her spouse for at least two years at the time of the filing of the petition and reconciliation is highly improbable.

Not all circumstances and situations that cause the total breakdown of a marriage could be defined in this proposed measure. Thus, the bill also provides that divorce may be granted when the spouses suffer from irreconcilable differences that have caused the irreparable breakdown of the marriage. Spouses living in a state of irreparable marital conflict or discord should be given the opportunity to present their marital contrarieties in court and have those differences adjudged as constituting a substantial ground to put an end to the marriage.

Another ground for divorce included in the bill is when one or both spouses are psychologically incapacitated to comply with the essential marital obligations. This provision will consequently repeal Article 36 of the Family Code. The bill seeks to include “psychological incapacity” in the grounds for divorce in the belief that the concept is consistent with the termination of marital ties rather than with a void marriage.

The bill seeks to eliminate “condonation of the act” and “consent to the act” as grounds for denying a petition for legal separation and, by extension, a petition for divorce. Many spouses especially women ignore the offense because of the social and economic conditions they are in. Many women in the marginalized sectors tend to condone the offense because they are economically dependent on their spouses or because of the stigma attached to failed marriages. Some women who are perceived to be condoning the acts of their husbands actually suffer from the cycle of spousal abuse such that they have become so disempowered to address their situation.

Under this proposed measure, a decree of divorce dissolves the absolute community or conjugal partnership of gains. The assets shall be equally divided between the spouses. However, this bill also proposes that in addition to his or her equal share in the assets, the spouse who is not gainfully employed shall be entitled to support until he or she finds adequate employment but the right shall only be effective for not more than one year. This provision is meant to address the economic deprivation or poverty that many women experience as a result of a marital break-up.

The bill also proposes that the custody of any minor child shall be decided by the court in accordance with the best interests of the child and their support provided in accordance with the Family Court provisions on support. Actual, moral and exemplary damages shall be awarded to the aggrieved spouse when proper in accordance with the provisions of the Civil Code on damages. The proposed measure also provides that parties shall be disqualified from inheriting from each other by intestate succession. Moreover, provisions in favor of one spouse made in the will of the other spouse shall be revoked by operation of law.

The Philippines and Malta are the only two remaining countries in the world without a divorce law. This bill is being introduced based on indications that Philippine society is ready for the legalization of divorce.

The sanctity of marriage is not based on the number of marriages existing but on the quality of marital relationships. When a marriage is no longer viable, divorce should be an option.

Thus, the approval of this bill is urgently requested.

Divorce, Remarriage and the Bible

2009-05-08T01:19:00.000-07:00

Since marriage is a condition of life that nine out of ten people enter, we should know what Jesus teaches on marriage. Since the teaching on this is very specific it indicates that Jesus regarded it as highly important. The number of divorces is increasing in our society and since the majority of divorced persons do remarry, it is also important that Christian people know the teaching of the scriptures concerning divorce and remarriage. Again, since our society is made up of so many divorced people who will eventually remarry, young people should be alerted to the problem by their parents and teachers so they will know how to face it in a Christian way before they allow themselves to become so emotionally involved that it will be difficult for them to face the problem intelligently.

The teachings of Jesus on this subject may be found in Matthew 5:31,32, and Matthew 19:3-9. These passages should be carefully read in connection with this discussion. Jesus went back to the beginning and based marriage on God's original intention in creation. God created man, male and female, and stated that man should leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife, and the two should become one flesh. Marriage is the permanent union of man and woman as husband and wife, as long as they both shall live upon the earth. It is not merely a physical connection, but a spiritual companionship in which each seeks to promote the other's highest well being through mutual forbearance and love and prayer. Each seeks the other's highest well-being, rather than his own.

Considered as a contract, marriage is an agreement of man and woman to live together as husband and wife. There is, however, a difference between the marriage contract and all other human contracts. The terms of this contract are not to be drawn up by contracting parties as in a business. The terms of the marriage contract have been drawn up by God, who is the creator of man and the author of the institution of marriage. This being true, those entering the marriage relationship should realize that they are obligated to accept the contractual terms as God, himself, has announced them. This contract, therefore, is one that God has arranged and it cannot be dissolved merely by the will of either one or the will of both parties to the contract. Not even a decree from the state can release the Christian from his obligation to do the Lord's will. This means that marriage is so permanent and so highly serious that all persons entering it should do so soberly, advisedly, after careful thought and consideration, and in the fear of God. Both husband and wife rest under the obligation of learning what their respective duties and responsibilities are, as these duties and responsibilities are revealed in the New Testament. It is only as they accept these duties and responsibilities seriously and seek to fulfill them to the best of their ability that they can attain the highest happiness in marriage and build the most successful home. It is because God intended marriage to be permanent that divorce becomes such a serious problem. Even though one of the contracting parties never remarries, he must still face the responsibility involved in separating from his partner and failing to fulfill his marriage vows.

But the question arises, "Is it ever right for one of the marriage partners to divorce the other and to remarry?". The teachings of Jesus on this point is clear. "Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery. And whosoever marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." (Matthew 19:9). A careful examination of this passage indicates a number of things. First, adultery must be the actual cause for the putting away, or separation. Sometimes husband and wife separate and adultery results from this separation, but it is not the cause. Certainly Jesus would not allow such to be used as the basis for remarriage. Where adultery occurs as a result of neglect to fulfill one's marriage obligation, it can never be used for the grounds for remarriage on the part of the person who has not committed adultery. This simply points up again the seriousness with which husband and wife should seek to fulfill all of their marital obligations.

In the second place, the adultery claimed as a basis for remarriage on the part of the innocent partner must have occurred without fault on the part of the person claiming the right to remarry. No one who faults in the marriage relationship constituting a contributing cause to the other person's unfaithfulness can claim to be free in such a situation. Another factor that should be considered is this: where adultery has occurred and been forgiven, the forgiving partner should never again present the forgiven offense as the basis for divorce and remarriage. With these exceptions excluded, the teaching of Jesus does allow remarriage of the innocent partner in a marriage broken by adultery. As one reviews the teaching of Jesus on the subject, he becomes aware of the greatest discrepancy between what is considered satisfactory from the point of view of the world and the teaching of Jesus on this subject. Christians should remember they are under obligation to accept the teaching of Christ on all matters and should not accept a compromise between His teaching and the prevailing point of view of society, regardless of who may endorse such a view.

The Bible & 8 Basic Causes of Divorce

2009-05-08T01:02:00.000-07:00

There are more than 30 million happy couples in America, more than 60 million people in the United States happily married. But oh, the tragedy of the other 25 per cent. Why do we have to have broken homes? Although there are many reasons, let's take a look at 8 of the most prominent causes of divorce. Identifying the major causes of divorce will prevent us from falling into these areas. The Bible says, "God hates divorce" (Mal.2:16).

The first is money:

The Bible says that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. (I Timothy 6:10) Just two verses earlier, we also read, "Having food and raiment, let us be therewith content". Paul warns that uncontrolled desire for money will lead to a temptation, a snare and into many and foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition, and pierce themselves through with many sorrows. And then he warns, "Oh man of God, flee these things" I Timothy 6:11. Money is the number one cause of broken homes.

Second is alcohol:

There is a popular sign that reads: Alcohol Destroys Internally, Externally, and Eternally. Joan became a Christian believing she could lead her husband Joe, who was an alcoholic, and her daughter Julia to Christ. Joe did become a Christian within a few months and their daughter followed in their footsteps. But Joe didn't hold out. Within two years he was sentenced to the Penitentiary, and served 18 months. The preacher was the best friend they had, one in whom they could confide, and one who would not give up. Joe eventually re-dedicated his life to Christ. Julia graduated with honors from a private religious school, and is now engaged in a most successful career in social work. This is an actual story, of course the names have been changed for obvious reasons.

Third is sexual problems:

The sex pendulum is swung from one extreme to the other. We talk as freely of sex as we talk of politics. Improper attitudes about sex, and not physical causes, bring couples to the breaking point. Both those who regard sex as being acceptable outside of marriage, as well as those who think of sex as dirty and wrong within marriage, are equally guilty of maintaining attitudes which are destined to cause serious trouble to any family relationship.

Fourth is immaturity:

Married life is for adults, not for children. Immaturity is the fourth leading cause of broken homes. There is an age when we are not sure about anything. A toy may be ever so much fun one day, and discarded the next. Much of this same uncertainty goes with the person through adolescence with regard to marriage.

Fifth is jealousy:

One who demands exclusive devotion, and is intolerant of rivalry usually feels inadequate. If one finds himself caught in the clutches of this weakness, he needs to concentrate on self-improvement.

Sixth is the "Hollywood myth":

It's based on the artificial and often unrealistic picture of love and life as depicted by many motion picture films. Two children were talking, one said to the other, "How do you like your new daddy?". The other replied "fine". Whereupon the first said, "That's good, we had him last year". The kind of loose thinking which is the basis for such stories, is a prime ingredient in many needless cases of divorce.

Seventh is in-law's:

"Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife. And they shall be one flesh." These are God's words in Genesis Chapter 2, verse 24. Every couple should establish their own home away from parents. Should this not remove the interference then move so far away that contact with in-laws is limited. Problems will arise, differences will sometime seem impossible. But divorce is not the answer. Except in very rare cases.

Eighth is irresponsibility:

When a young man is irresponsible and unwilling to work before marriage, the chances are extremely good that he'll continue the same pattern of behavior after marriage. In the same way the young lady who has shown no sense of personal responsibility before marriage will likely also be unwilling to do her part in containing the home after marriage.

If you're planning to marry such a person, with the expectation of changing him or her, it is very likely that you're in for a sad disappointment. Regardless of how sincerely one may promise to change after marriage, it is very unlikely that such a person will suddenly alter the habits of a lifetime.

The best way to avoid divorce then, is by avoiding the situations that lead to it.

(Read Matthew 19:9) This passage teaches ONLY one lawful reason for divorce and remarry. The other causes of divorce discussed are not valid and justifiable according to God. If anyone divorces for any other reason and marries another they would be living in adultery.

Biblical Grounds for Divorce

2009-05-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

Unfaithfulness

Under the Mosaic Law adultery carried the death penalty by stoning for the woman.

In Jesus' day, confusion prevailed about the grounds for divorce. Even the rabbis could not agree on what constituted the "uncleanness" of (Deut. 24:1). Followers of Rabbi Shammai felt adultery was the only grounds for divorce. Those who followed Rabbi Hillel accepted many reasons, including such things as poor cooking.

The gospels record four statements by Jesus concerning divorce. In two of these He allowed divorce in the case of adultery. In (Mat. 5:32) Jesus commented on the situation of both the woman and her new husband: "Whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery." In another statement, Jesus says "Whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Mat. 19:9). Two other statements of Jesus appear to make no provision for divorce (Mk. 10:11-12; Lk. 16:18).

Jesus' statements in Mark and Luke were made in conversations with Pharisees about the Mosaic Law, which they believed allowed divorce on grounds other than adultery (Deut. 24:1-4). Jesus' main point in these statements was that divorce is contrary to God's plan for marriage and should never be taken lightly.

In the case of sexual unfaithfulness, the decree of divorce simply reflects the fact that the marriage has already been broken. A man divorcing his wife for this cause does not "make her an adulteress," for she already is one. Thus, divorce on the grounds of unchastity frees the innocent partner to remarry without incurring the guilt of adultery (Mat. 19:9). See (Nelson's Illustrated Bible Dictionary)(Copyright (C) 1986, Thomas Nelson Publishers)

Desertion

In the case of two Christians Paul admonished them to follow the Lord's teachings and be reconciled. In any event, neither is to marry another (1 Cor. 7:10-11). In 1 Corinthians 7:15, Paul says that a Christian who is abandoned is free to formalize the divorce and remarry: "If the unbeliever departs, let him depart, a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases."

Practicing pagan/hostile to Christianity

On two occasions divorce was insisted on. These were when the returned exiles had married pagan wives (Ezr. 9-10 and probably Ne. 13:23ff.,) In Mal. 2:10-16 some had put away their Jewish wives so as to marry Pagans.
Moses allowed divorce because of the "hardness" of the spouses heart (Mark 10:5).
Paul stated that we should not be "unequally yoked" with unbelievers (2 cor 6:14).
Paul encourages the believer to keep the marriage together if the unbeliever "consents" or "is pleased to stay," in hopes that the unbelieving spouse might be saved and the children will grow up knowing God. (1 Cor. 7:15-16).
However; if the spouse is hostile to Christianity constantly causing trouble for you and others we have the OT example of putting them away.

Married within the prohibited degrees

If after marriage you find you have unknowingly married a son, grandson, daughter, granddaughter, sister, brother, nice, or nephew (Lev. 18-19) the law of Moses would compel the two to divorce.

Physical abuse

Some have doubted the authenticity of Mk. 10:12, since a Jewish wife could not normally divorce her husband. But a wife could appeal to the court against her husband's treatment of her, and the court could compel the husband to divorce her. See (The Illustrated Bible Dictionary)(Copyright (C) 1980, Inter-Varsity Press)

1 Timothy 5:8 And whoever does not provide for relatives, and especially for family members, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (NRSV)
Eph. 5:28-29 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-

If a husband physically abuses his wife he is not "taking care of" or "providing for" his family, thereby denying the faith and is apparently not "pleased to live with you." If a wife allows her children to be abused if she can prevent it, she is "not providing for her family."

Other scriptures

If a man believed that his wife was not a virgin when he married her, he could have her judged by the elders of the city. If they found her guilty, she could be put to death (Deut. 2:13-21). There are two situations where divorce was forbidden: when a man has falsely accused his wife of premarital unfaithfulness (Deut. 22:13-19); and when a man has had relations with a girl, and her father has compelled him to marry her (Deut. 22:28-29; Ex. 22:16-17).

The Law of Moses allowed a man to divorce his wife when she found "no favor in his eyes, because he has found some uncleanness in her" (Deut. 24:1). The primary purpose of this legislation was to prevent him from taking her again after she had married another man- "an abomination before the Lord" (Deut. 24:4).

The only other possible interpretation for "some uncleanness in her" might have been if she came down with a disease like leprosy. Being as good as dead with no hope of being cured and being put in a leper colony.

A public document known as a "certificate of divorce" (apostasy grk.) was granted the woman. This permitted her the right to remarry without civil or religious sanction. Divorce could not be done privately.

Remember that non of these situations force you to divorce. The best option is, if possible, to reconcile.

Other sins against marriage, which are not grounds for divorce, are:
1 Peter 3:7 A hostile attitude (not speaking, threats) to your spouse hinders your prayers.
1 Corinthians 7:5 Not satisfying the sexual needs of your spouse.
1 Corinthians 7:3,4 Not dressing or acting in ways that please your spouse.

Divorce Squanders Earth's Resources

2009-05-02T17:55:00.000-07:00

By Jeanna Bryner, LiveScience Staff Writer
posted: 03 December 2007 5:00 pm ET

Divorce leaves more than a trail of legal documents, stinging egos and uprooted kids. The split-ups wreak havoc on the environment.

A global trend of soaring divorce rates has led to a surge in the number of households with fewer people. The result: We collectively devour more space and gobble up more energy and water, say the authors of a new study published online this week in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

"Not only the United States, but also other countries, including developing countries such as China and places with strict religious policies regarding divorce, are having more divorced households," said co-author Jianguo Liu of Michigan State University. "The consequent increases in consumption of water and energy and using more space are being seen everywhere."

The study gives the down and dirty truths on exactly how much of Mother Nature's resources go down the tubes when unions are severed. But the remedy for such "squander" is made for TV: Fall back in love, or at least cohabitate.

Dirty divorce

Past research by Liu and his colleagues, published in 2003 in the journal Nature, revealed globally the number of households increased more rapidly than actual population growth between 1985 and 2000. "Even in areas with declining population size, we still see a dramatic increase in the number of households," Liu told LiveScience.

Liu and Michigan State colleague Eunice Yu thought divorces could perhaps reconcile the anomaly. They analyzed global household data for both divorced and married homes in 12 countries between 1998 and 2002. The countries included the United States, Brazil, Costa Rica, Mexico, South Africa, Greece and Cambodia, among others.

Though China wasn't included due to lack of relevant data, the authors suggest the same trend occurs there. "Even in China, where divorce was traditionally uncommon, divorce rates have recently surged," they write. They add that 1.9 million Chinese couples divorced in 2006, compared with 1.6 million in 2004.

Results showed on average there were 27 percent to 41 percent fewer individuals living in divorced households compared with married ones. Between 1998 and 2002, divorces in the 12 countries studied accounted for 7.4 million extra households.

In 2000, divorced households ranged from 16 million (15 percent of the total households) in the U.S. to 40,000 divorced households in Costa Rica, or about 4 percent of the total.

Environmental footprint

No matter how many people live in a home, the extra house itself requires resources to construct it and takes up space. It requires fuel to heat and cool. A refrigerator uses roughly the same amount of energy whether it belongs to a family of four or two, as an example.

Analysis of U.S. data for 2005 showed that divorced households used an extra 73 billion kilowatt-hours of electricity and 627 billion gallons of water compared with married households.

The researchers also compared married households in the United States with households that had weathered divorce and remarriage: The environmental footprint rose, then shrank back to that of married households.

Other lifestyle trends that impact family living structures include the demise of multigenerational households, and people remaining single longer, the researchers concluded.

The results, Liu said, indicate another lifestyle trend needs to be taken into consideration in environmental strategies.

"People have been talking about how to protect the environment and combat climate change, but divorce is an overlooked factor that needs to be considered," Liu said.

Divorce in Muslim countries

2008-09-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Talaq (conflict)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In Sunni Islamic Law, there are two forms of divorce known as the talaq and its less well-regulated Sunni version of triple talaq. This page deals with the relationship between religious and secular systems for terminating the marriage in the Conflict of Laws.
Contents
[hide]

* 1 The process of talaq
* 2 Problems within a state
* 3 Recognition and enforcement of the talaq between states
* 4 References

[edit] The process of talaq

The husband may initiate the divorce process by pronouncing the talaq, the formula of repudiation, three times. The first two times the talaq is pronounced, it may be withdrawn. But the third time it is pronounced, the divorce is irrevocable. There are a range of systems specifying the requisite formalities to complete an irrevocable divorce, i.e., whether some period of time must elapse between each pronouncement of talaq, whether there must be mediation, or the need for witnesses. For example, in Pakistan, section 7 Muslim Family Laws Ordinance 1961 requires the following steps:

1. that the husband pronounces the required statement of divorce in front of witnesses; and
2. gives written notice of that pronouncement to the Chairman of the local Union Council; and
3. gives written notice to the wife;
4. there is a waiting period of ninety days, or of a longer period of time if the wife is pregnant;
5. an Arbitration Council must be constituted within thirty days of the date the written notice is given; and
6. the Arbitration Council must take all steps necessary to try to bring about a reconciliation.

While Islamic law does not encourage or recommend polygamy, in the states where it is permitted, there is no waiting period before the husband can remarry. The wife must usually wait three months after the third talaq has been spoken before remarrying (this period is known as iddah). While the husband may divorce his wife extra-judicially when he considers the marriage has broken down, the wife may, according to some schools of Islamic law, approach a Sharia Court and petition it for a grant of divorce though this is to be avoided as far as possible, as guided by the saying of the Prophet, "among all the things that God has made legal, divorce is most hateful". This hadith encapsulates the complex attitude towards divorce; on the one hand, it is permissible to end a marriage rather than force the parties to endure the hardships of an intolerable life-long union. But divorce is a final resort, and to be avoided if at all possible. The Shariah permits either party to terminate the nikah or 'aqd (marriage contract). The dissolution at the wife's initiative, and with agreement of the husband, is known as khula (this is in contrast to rabbinical law, where only the husband can grant the get divorce). There is also provision in the Shariah for the wife to seek the judicial intervention of a qadi (Islamic judge) to obtain talaq for a range of reasons. There may also be an agreement in the marriage contract to confer the wife with the right to divorce should she want to, but a qadi must be informed if this is exercised. In countries like Malaysia, prenuptial agreements allow the wife to gain a divorce from the Sharia Court easily if the husband is at fault.

However, problems arise in those Western countries where no Sharia Court has been established. Indeed, most Western countries restrict the recognition of extra-judicial divorces obtained by those resident in the host state. Hence, merely because their lex domicilii (the law of their domicile) may permit divorce by talaq, spouses resident in, say, France cannot use that method in substitution for the local secular judicial system to terminate their marriage. But there is a clear public policy need to consider whether, in an increasingly multi-racial and multi-ethnic society, transnational Islamic divorces can or should be recognised. For these purposes, a distinction is usually drawn between the Nikah form of talaq which is the normative form of procedural talaq, and the classical bare form of talaq which is used in India and in Pakistani Kashmir.

[edit] Problems within a state

Some Sunni Islamic communities experience marriage and civil divorce difficulties while resident in secular and non-Islamic states. One of the most common divorce difficulties is that a spouse can be held in a limping marriage when the other spouse refuses co-operation in the religious form of divorce. A civil divorce obtained through local courts entitles the parties to remarry, but the capacity to remarry can also be a religious question. Where one party has the power to grant or withhold a religious divorce, this power can be used as a bargaining tool to pressure the other party to agree to more or less favourable terms for residence and contact with children, and for maintenance and property settlements. Hence, in Sunni Islam a woman cannot remarry until her husband grants the talaq. Such provisions produce a conflict between the human rights of the woman to be free to marry and the freedom of people to practise their religion (see Article 18 of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights which is repeated almost word for word in Article 9(1) European Convention on Human Rights, International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights and the United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of All Forms of Intolerance and Discrimination Based on Religion or Belief[1]). They may also breach sex discrimination laws in some states, but the acceptance and implementation of the provisions within the local religious community are very real and should not be ignored. The difficulty is that most countries operate under constitutions based on a separation between church and state which forbid governments from interfering in the practice of religion within their territory unless the behaviour of one or more parties is in breach of the local civil or criminal law.

Hence, most Western states make any response to proceedings relevant to the marriage by the secular courts conditional on the relevant party taking the steps necessary to complete a religious divorce on fair terms so that:

* either the court will impose excessively generous orders for maintenance and property settlement, or
* deny access to a civil decree or to ancillary relief,
* until the religious formalities have been completed.

It is noted that an indefinite delay or refusal to grant a decree absolute might compound the unfairness because the affected spouse might be denied the freedom to remarry under both the secular and the religious rules. Nevertheless, the Canadian courts have the power to dismiss any application, and to strike out any pleadings and affidavits filed by a spouse who has failed to remove religious barriers to the remarriage of the other spouse. In the so-called Second New York Gett Law, there is a narrower approach, preventing a person who has not removed the religious barriers from obtaining a divorce or decree or annulment. In Australia, the Family Court in Gwiazda v Gwiazda No. M10631 of 1992 used its general injunctive power to order a reluctant wife who refused to accept a get, to appear before the Beth Din in Melbourne. Emery J. observed that:

If I correctly understand the intention of the Act, then it is the clear duty of a judge of this court to ensure that appropriate orders are made fully effective, not only in theory but in fact. In this case the husband as a matter of law can marry any woman who is free to marry, subject only to the prohibitions in the Marriage Act, but as a matter of fact and practicability he cannot do so.

So-called "Gwiazda Orders" are now used when necessary to produce a fair result in cases involving all forms of religious marriage. The Australian Law Commission has proposed [2] that the decree nisi should not become absolute and, in any other proceedings except those relating to a child, the court should have the power to adjourn the proceedings. In English law, the present rules derive from the Divorce (Religious Marriages) Act 2002 (with the procedural the Family Proceedings (Amendment) Rules 2003), which applies if a decree nisi has been granted but not made absolute and the parties:

(a) were married in accordance with:

(i) the usages of the Jews, or
(ii) any other prescribed religious usages; and

(b) must co-operate if the marriage is to be dissolved in accordance with those usages.

On the application of either party, if the court is satisfied that in all the circumstances of the case it is just and reasonable to do so, it may order that the decree nisi is not made absolute until a declaration made by both parties that they have taken such steps as are required to dissolve the marriage in accordance with those usages is produced to the court. But no matter which country, if neither party to a religious marriage comes to the civil courts for relief, none of these options apply, and the law has no role to determine whether the party should facilitate the religious divorce.

[edit] Recognition and enforcement of the talaq between states

If the talaq is executed in a state where it is effective to terminate the marriage, this potentially affects the status and capacity of the spouses so that they are then free to remarry. Within the Conflict system, the enforcement of foreign judgments is a reasonably well-regulated area. But this form of divorce is only quasi-judicial at best, so it falls outside the normal rules. The general expectation as to choice of law depends on the characterisation of the issue. As a form of divorce, the rule might be that the lex loci actus (the law of the place where the transaction took place) should be applied and recognised universally so that the parties would avoid a limping marriage (i.e., that whether they are considered married will change depending on which states they visit or reside in). However, this may be against public policy because one of the parties is seeking to evade some mandatory provisions of law or it is not in the best interests of any children (see parens patriae). If the characterisation is status/capacity, this will be determined under the lex domicilii (the law of the domicile) in a common law state, and under the lex patriae (the law of the nationality) or habitual residence in a civil law state. Alternatively, the court seized of the matter might apply the lex fori (the municipal law of the forum state).

The best answer is always to produce an in rem solution, i.e., wherever possible, the result must be accepted in the majority of states around the world. Thus, if the talaq is effective under the lex loci actus and recognised under the laws relevant to determine status and capacity, it will be recognised so long as the best interests of the children are protected in any orders or agreements made by the parties. For example, in English law, Part II of the Family Law Act 1986 draws the distinction between a divorce obtained by "judicial or other proceedings" and the divorce obtained "otherwise than by means of proceedings". The Nikah form is recognised in UK if:

* it is effective by the lex loci actus (the law of the place where it was obtained), and
* at the relevant date, either party was:

habitually resident in,
domiciled either in accordance with the local law or English law, or
a national of that foreign country.

But a "bare" talaq will only be recognised in UK if:

* it is effective by the law of the country where it was obtained and
* at the relevant date, each party was domiciled in that country (or if only one was domiciled in that country, then the other was domiciled in another country where the bare talaq was recognised).

And no recognition will be allowed if one of the parties has been habitually resident in the UK throughout the period of one year immediately preceding the pronouncement. The intention is to prevent one spouse from evading the local judicial system by travelling to a country that does permit the talaq.

[edit] References

* Freeland, R, "The Use and Abuse of Islamic Law", Volume 73, The Australian Law Journal, 130
* Hasan, A, "Marriage in Islamic Law - A Brief Introduction", (March, 1999) Family Law, 164
* Hinchcliffe, D, "Divorce in the Muslim World", (May, 2000), International Family Law, 63

Types of Divorce in Japan

2008-09-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

The Japanese Divorce By Mutual Consent, is one of the easiest divorces in the world, if both parties agree. But if they don't, Japanese Civil Code Article 770-1 describes only five grounds for a contested divorce, and until a 1987 supreme court ruling, divorces were normally denied to the spouse "at fault":

* Infidelity (futei na koui); This could be just physical (furin 不倫) or it could be serious (uwaki 浮気) Either the husband or the wife can sue for divorce for adultery, and if the other party is found at fault, he or she may have to pay consolation money. (isharyou　慰謝料)

* Malicious abandonment (akui na iki), which means the failure, without justifiable cause, to fulfill the spousal duties of cohabitation, mutual cooperation and assistance. Some arguments can only be used by one or the other gender:

o to make enough to support them, even if the wife refuses to work.
* Whereabouts Unknown (shoushi). The whereabouts and status of a spouse are not known for over three years, regardless of cause; Another reliable source says that "it is unknown for more than three years whether or not the spouse is alive".
* Serious mental illness (seishinbyou); where there is no hope for recovery
* Serious misconduct (juudai na jiyu) on the part of one of the spouses making it difficult to continue the marriage.

"Other grave reasons" is a catch all which is often used as a substitute for irreconcilable differences (seikaku no fuitchi 性格の不一致) , although the later is not a specifically valid reason. It covers a wide spectrum of grounds such as cruelty, domestic violence, unreasonable behavior, incompatibility, loss of love in the marriage. The following are reported as valid reasons by a reliable source, but it is unclear in which category they belong.

* Refusal or neglect of marital sex. (JPNESE?) Apparently, only the husband can sue for divorce on this grounds.

* Refusal or neglect of financial support. (JPNESE?) Apparently only the wife can sue divorce on this grounds if the husband is unable

There are four types of divorce.

Divorce by mutual agreement (kyogi rikon)

This is where the parties involved would go to the town hall and simply register their divorce. The reasons do not matter, and do not need to fit into one of the above five categories. It requires both their seals and two witnesses to the document. This document contains a space to state who has custody of any minor (ie. under 20 year old) children. If there are minor children, the parties cannot divorce until who has custody is made clear. This is decided between them. Note that there is no joint custody in Japan - it is one parent or the other.

As with marriage registration, the foreign spouse need not be physically present at the ward office to register the divorce providing that the registration documents have been properly signed and sealed beforehand by both parties. Be warned, however, that the legality of this procedure in various countries is uncertain. (This excellent article gives some reasons and applies them to the UK: Non-Recognition of Japanese Consent Divorces in the U.K. (cached copy)) Also note that for a non-Japanese, a signature is acceptable, whereas for a Japanese, divorce would require a hanko. Since there is no way for the accepting government office to verify the foreigner's signature and the foreigner does not need to be present, this opens up the possibility of a forged Divorce By Mutual Consent application. (Japanese on the other hand have a registered hanko that can be verified for authenticity.) To protect against this possibility, a spouse, even a non-Japanese, can submit a form to prevent a divorce.

This page (in Japanese) talks a little about the history of the divorce by mutual consent (cached copy) and says that it has been around since Meiji 31. Alternately, a page from the US Embassy in Japan (cached copy), says that it has only been legal since January 1, 1990. But it is possible that this means only legal when one partner is a non-Japanese. Will update when I find out more.

From the Japanese Civil code, sent to someone else by a Professor of law in Tokyo, then to CRN:

After 1990, article 16 of "Law Concerning the Application of Laws in General" ("Horei" in Japanese) provides that "the Divorce shall be governed by Japanese law if the husband or wife is a Japanese who has the place of his or her permanent residence in Japan" Before 1990, there was no such provision in Horei instead, it provided that "Divorce shall be governed by the law of the husband's home country at the time of the facts, which caused the Divorce, happened" Therefore, as husband is Japanese in this case, Japanese law is applied even in 1985 and Kyogi Rikon is valid.

In cases where couples can't agree on terms for their separation, and hence cannot file for a Divorce by mutual agreement, there are basically three options open to them.

Divorce by mediation in a family court (chotei rikon)

This is divorce by arbitration in which the husband or wife request that the family court assist them with mediation. It is completed by applying for mediation by the family court. One party would typically apply to the family court, usually in the district of the other parties residence, and after monthly meetings come to some agreement concerning assets, alimony, custody, child support, etc.. These meetings are conducted in private.

If arbitration fails, the family court takes over and has the authority to render its own terms for the divorce. But note that if the court negotiates this divorce, they may simply ask you to sign the appropriate Divorce By Mutual Consent forms. The threat (that your own lawyer may emphasize to you) is that if you do not negotiate, the judge will issue a decree which will be even worse. You may be asked to sign these forms even before the agreement you negotiated is signed. You may not want to do that. Also, you may want to have a decree from a court so that you can go back to the court and claim that your partner is not abiding by the agreement. If the agreement is simply a personal contract, you might have to start legal proceedings all over again, which of course would take years.
Divorce by judgment of the family court (shimpan rikon)

This divorce is completed by a family court decision when divorce cannot be established by mediation. From now it becomes a public court case. Note that there is no such thing as a "no fault" divorce at this stage. If the family court's judgment is rejected by one of the parties, then an appeal can be lodged and the district court takes over the case.

Note that according to Civil Code 770-2, judges have absolute discretion to decide whether to grant a divorce or whether the marriage is proper in view of the circumstances. Also, divorce in court is time consuming. The 1987 case mentioned above took 35 years.

Divorce by judgment of a district court (saiban rikon)

Applying the Civil Code, the district court allocates assets and determines which party is responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Once the case is decided, the court will issue a certified copy and certificate of settlement, to be attached to the Divorce Registration. Either party in the divorce has the right to appeal to a higher court against any decision made in a lower court, all the way up to the Supreme Court.

Defenses Against Divorce

A common defense used to prolong them is that "Having entered into the marriage consensually, I have a right not to be unilaterally divorced (rikon sarenai kenri)."

If you have an unsympathetic judge, fire your lawyer right before the judge in the case is rotated out, so you can miss the rotation. (Especially useful if the lawyer is not representing you the way you want to be represented.) The new judge, to a certain extent, will have to start all over and may be more sympathetic. This is a common tactic used by Japanese spouses.

The Japanese spouse will often use exaggerations or outright lies to claim you are at fault or give reason for a divorce. Despite a stern warning at the beginning of testimony, perjury is virtually never prosecuted or penalized. (Source for this is a Japanese lawyer.) It is not even clear that there is a law against it in civil cases. So it is easy to get away with almost anything. We even know of a case where the foreign spouse presented bank books and other evidence proving lies in court, but there was no penalty at all.
External References

* original reference

Q&A on Divorce

Q: Can foreign citizens be divorced in Japan?

A: Yes. However, foreign citizens must show evidence that they are able to be divorced in their country of nationality and that the procedures used in Japan are compatible with those of their home country.

Q: What are the residency requirements for filing?

A: At least one of the parties must be a legal resident of Japan. The court will not accept cases from couples who have traveled to Japan for the sole purpose of obtaining a divorce.

Q: Can a divorce be granted in absentia?

A: While both parties do not need to be present to file with a court and begin the procedures leading to a divorce, because of the nature of the conciliation process, the court will require the appearance by both parties for at least one joint hearing. But a divorce can also be granted if it is determined that the partner has abandoned the one filing for divorce. Typically this means the whereabouts and the status of the spouse have been unknown for at least 3 years. This could likely be prevented by regularly filing an anti-divorce form.

Divorce in India

2008-09-22T07:17:00.000-07:00

The Law

All major religions have their own laws which govern divorces within their own community, and separate regulations exist regarding divorce in interfaith marriages.

Hindus, including Buddhists, Sikhs and Jains, are governed by the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955; Christians by the Indian Divorce Act, 1869; Parsis by the Parsi Marriage and Divorce Act, 1936; and Muslims by the Dissolution of Muslim Marriages Act, 1939, which provides the grounds on which women can obtain a divorce, and the uncodified civil law. Civil marriages and inter-community marriages and divorces are governed by the Special Marriage Act, 1956 (Kapur and Cossman 101).

Other community specific legislation includes the Native Converts' Marriage Dissolution Act, 1866 that allows a Hindu to appeal for a divorce if a spouse converts to Christianity (Virdi 36-37).

Grounds for Divorce

In most Western nations, there are approximately 16 distinct reasons for which divorces are granted. In India, however, only five main reasons are generally accepted as sufficient grounds for divorce (Choudhary 90).

Adultery. While no formal definition of adultery exists, it does have "a fairly established meaning in matrimonial law" (Diwan 171), namely "the voluntary sexual intercourse of a married man or woman with a person other than the offender's wife or husband" (Choudhary 91). While the law considers it valid grounds for either sex, adulterous women are "judged more harshly" than men (Kapur and Cossman 102). The various religious regulations a e not unanimous on this issue. The law regarding Hindus allows divorce to be granted on the grounds of infidelity of either husband or wife. The Christian law, however, would traditionally not have granted a divorce to a woman solely on the grounds of adultery. She would have had to prove another violation, such as cruelty (Kapur and Cossman 102-4). A recent Bombay High Court decision "recognised cruelty and desertion as independent grounds for the dissolution of a Christian marriage," striking down a section of the law that allowed for an unconstitutional distinction between the sexes (Raiker-Mhatre 1).

Desertion. The three main components of desertion are the "disruption of cohabitation, absence of just or reasonable cause and their combination throughout three years" before the abandoned spouse may petition for a divorce (Virdi 71). There also must be an obvious intent on the part of the offending spouse to remain permanently apart from the other. This statute also applies to cases in which a spouse has been heard from for at least seven years (Choudhary 91).

Cruelty. As with adultery, "the definition of the type of behavior that constitutes cruelty varies according to the gender of the petitioner" of the divorce. "Despite the fact that cruelty is often equally available to husbands and wives, the way in which the law is interpreted and applied suggests that women and men are evaluated by rather different standards" (Kapur and Cossman 105). This category includes both physical and mental abuse and neglect (Choudhary 91). A court decision made in early May 1997 made cruelty sufficient grounds for a Christian woman to obtain a; previously, the law required both adultery and cruelty to be proven. The national Indian Christian community seems to have embraced this judgment (Raikar-Mhatre 1-2.

Impotency. This refers to the physical inability of the couple to consummate the marriage (Choudhary 91) or the refusal by one spouse to do so (Diwan 136). Some cases have established that sterility can be construed to mean non-consummation if the other partner is not aware of the condition before the marriage (Diwan 139).

Chronic Disease. Both mental and physical illnesses are included in this category, as well as sexually transmitted diseases (Choudhary 92). Not all religions recognize identical diseases as grounds for divorce. Christians and Parsis do not allow divorce for a sexually transmitted disease or leprosy while the other communities do (Diwan 204-5).

Consequences of Divorce

Economic. There is great disparity between the economic ramifications of divorce between men and women. Men remain relatively unaffected while women, especially those with children, have difficulty "providing food, clothing and shelter for themselves and their children." The government in urban areas usually provides some form of public assistance to single mothers, but this service is not fully taken advantage of because most do not know of its existence (Amato 210). Often a woman is not able to rely on her family for support because many parents "feel they have discharged their obligations to a daughter by arranging her marriage and providing a dowry." Dowries are not returned after a divorce. Also, due to the social stigma of divorce, women find it difficult to remarry and usually attempt to establish an independent household (Amato 211).

Social. While India feels that one should have the right to divorce, it is still a highly stigmatizing action. Women are looked upon more harshly than men in this regard. There continue to be segments of Indian society that feel divorce is never an option, regardless of how abusive or adulterous the husband may be which adds to the greater disapproval for women. A divorced woman often will return to her family, but may not be wholeheartedly welcomed. She puts, especially if she has children, an economic burden on her family and is often given lowly household tasks to perform. There is also the risk that a divorced woman's presence would ward off possible marriages for other daughters within the household. Unavoidably, the overall status of the family and household are lowered by having a divorcee living with amongst them. A woman's class and caste are a major factor in her acceptance back into society. Women from higher classes tend to have an easier time than middle or lower class women in returning to the social order after a divorce. An exception to this model is the extreme bottom of the society who have experienced little rebuff from peers after a divorce. This results from their already atypical status in society (Amato 212-4).

Divorce in The God of Small Things

In Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things, the marriage and quick divorce of Ammu has devastating consequences, reflecting the social and cultural stigma of divorce in India:

"...Ammu left her husband and returned, unwelcomed, to her parents in Ayemenem. To everything she had fled from only a few years ago. Excpet now she had two children. And no more dreams" (42).

"Baby Kochamma resented Ammu, because she saw her quarreling with a fate that she, Baby Kochamma herself, felt she had graciously accepted. The fate of the wretched Man-less woman" (44-5).

"...the commonly held view that a married daughter had no position in her parents' home. As for a divorced daughteræaccording to Baby Kochamma, she had no position anywhere at all" (45).

Chacko "said that Ammu and Estha and Rahel were millstones around his neck" (82).

"Die-vorced?" His voice rose in such a high register that it cracked on the question mark. He even pronounced the word as though it was a form of death" (124).

"She was [Estha and Rahel's] Ammu and their Baba and she had loved them Double" (155).

Works Cited

Amato, P. R. "The Impact of Divorce on Men and Women in India and The United States." Journal of Comparative Family Studies 25 (1994): 207-221.

Choudhary, J. N. Divorce in Indian Society: A Sociological Study of Marriage Disruption and Role Adjustment. Jaipur, India: Printwell Publishers, 1988.

Diwan, Paras. Family Law: Law of Marriage and Divorce in India. New Delhi, India: Sterling Publishers Private Limited, 1983.

Kapur, Ratna, and Brenda Cossman. Subversive Sites: Feminist Engagements with Law in India. New Delhi, India: Sage Publications, 1996.

Raikar-Mhatre, Sumedha. "Divorce & Christian Marriages in India." The Indian Express May 20, 1997. Http://www.goacom.com/news/news97/may/marriages.html (November 5, 1997).

Roy, Arundhati. The God of Small Things. New York: Random House, 1997.

Virdi, P. K. The Grounds for Divorce in Hindu and English Law: A Study in Comparative Law. Delhi, India: Motilal Banarsidass, 1972.

Law and divorce around the world

2008-09-22T06:36:00.000-07:00

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This article is a general overview of divorce laws around the world. Every nation except Malta,the Philippines and the Vatican City allows legal divorce.[1]
Contents

* 1 Muslim societies
* 2 Brazil
* 3 Canada
* 4 England and Wales
* 5 France
* 6 India
* 7 Ireland
* 8 Italy
* 9 Japan
* 10 Malta
* 11 Philippines
* 12 Scotland
* 13 United States
* 14 Global issues
* 15 References

Muslim societies

In the Muslim world, legislation concerning divorce varies from country to country. Different Muslim scholars can have slightly differing interpretations of divorce in Islam, (e.g. concerning triple talaq).

No-fault divorce is allowed in Muslim societies, although normally only with the consent of the husband. A wife seeking divorce is normally required to give one of several specific justifications (see below).

If the man seeks divorce or was divorced, he has to cover the expenses of his ex-wife feeding his child and expenses of the child until the child is two years old (that is if the child is under two years old). The child is still the child of the couple despite the divorce.

If it is the wife who seeks divorce, she must go to a court. She must provide evidence of ill treatment, inability to sustain her financially, sexual impotence on the part of the husband, her dislike of his looks, etc. The husband may be given time to fix the problem, but if he fails, the appointed judge will divorce the couple if the couple still wish to be divorced.[2]

See also: Talaq in Conflict of Laws, At-Talaq and Triple talaq.

Brazil

In Brazil, divorce was forbidden until 1977.

Since January 2007[3], Brazilian couples can request a divorce at a notary's office when there is a consensus, the couple has been separated for more than a year and have no underage or special-needs children. The divorcees need only present their national IDs, marriage certificate and pay a small fee to initiate the process, which is completed in two or three weeks.

Canada

Canada did not have a federal divorce law until 1968. Before that time, the process for getting a divorce varied from province to province. In Newfoundland and Quebec, it was necessary to get a private Act of Parliament in order to end a marriage. Most other provinces incorporated the English Matrimonial Causes Act of 1857 which allowed a husband to get a divorce on the grounds of his wife's adultery and a wife to get one only if she established that her husband committed any of a list of particular sexual behaviours but not simply adultery. Some provinces had legislation allowing either spouse to get a divorce on the basis of adultery.

The federal Divorce Act of 1968 standardized the law of divorce across Canada and introduced the no-fault concept of permanent marriage breakdown as a ground for divorce as well as fault based grounds including adultery, cruelty and desertion. [4]

In Canada, while civil and political rights are in the jurisdiction of the provinces, the Constitution of Canada specifically made marriage and divorce the realm of the federal government. Essentially this means that Canada's divorce law is uniform throughout Canada, even in Quebec, that differs from the other provinces in its use of the civil law as codified in the Civil Code of Quebec as opposed to the common law that is in force in the other provinces and generally interpreted in similar ways throughout the Anglo-Canadian provinces.

The Canada Divorce Act recognizes divorce only on the ground of breakdown of the marriage. Breakdown can only be established if one of three grounds hold: adultery, cruelty, and being separated for one year. Most divorces proceed on the basis of the spouses being separated for one year, even if there has been cruelty or adultery. This is because proving cruelty or adultery is expensive and time consuming.[5] The one-year period of separation starts from the time at least one spouse intends to live separate and apart from the other and acts on it. A couple does not need a court order to be separated, since there is no such thing as a "legal separation" in Canada.[6] A couple can even be considered to be "separated" even if they are living in the same dwelling. Either spouse can apply for a divorce in the province in which either the husband or wife has lived for at least one year.

On September 13, 2004, the Ontario Court of Appeal declared a portion of the Divorce Act also unconstitutional for excluding same-sex marriages, which at the time of the decision were recognized in three provinces and one territory. It ordered same-sex marriages read into that act, permitting the plaintiffs, a lesbian couple, to divorce.[7]

England and Wales

A divorce in England and Wales is only possible for marriages of more than one year and when the marriage has irretrievably broken down. Whilst it is possible to defend a divorce, the vast majority proceed on an undefended basis. A decree of divorce is initially granted 'nisi', i.e. (unless cause is later shown), before it is made 'absolute'. Relevant laws are:

* Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, which sets out the basis for divorce (part i) and how the courts deal with financial issues, known as ancillary relief (part ii)
o Cruelty has been made irrelevant. See Gollins v Gollins [1964] A.C. 644
* Family Law Act 1996
* Children Act 1989
* Family Proceedings Courts (Matrimonial Proceedings etc.) Rules 1991
* Marriage Act 1949
* Marriage Act 1994

Here is a rough outline of the undefended divorce procedure from start to finish:

1. Filing of Divorce Petition & if necessary Statement of Arrangements for the Children
2. Documents issued by Court and posted to the Respondent
3. Respondent returns Acknowledgement of Service to the Court (if he/she does not you will need to consider Bailiff Service, Deemed Service or other options)
4. Petitioner completes Affidaviti in Support of Petition and Request for directions
5. A Judge will then consider all the divorce papers and if he/she is satisfied issue a Certificate of Entitlement to a Decree and Section 41 Certificate (confirming he/she is content with arrangements for any children)
6. Decree Nisi is granted
7. Six weeks later the application can be made by the Petitioner for the Decree Absolute.

From beginning to end, if everything goes smoothly and Court permitting, it takes around 6 months.

If there are any outstanding financial issues between the parties, most solicitors would advise resolving these by way of a 'Clean Break' Court order prior to obtaining the Decree Absolute.

There is only one 'ground' for divorce under English law. That is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

There are however five 'facts' that may constitute this ground. They are:

1. Adultery
* often now considered the 'nice' divorce.
* respondents admitting to adultery will not be penalised financially or otherwise.
2. Unreasonable behaviour
* the petition must contain a series of allegations against the respondent that the Judge considers serious enough that the petitioner cannot be expected to live with the respondent.
3. Two years separation by consent
* both parties must consent
* the parties must have lived separate lives for at least two years prior to the presentation of the petition
* this can occur if the parties live in the same household, but the petitioner would need to make clear in the petition such matters as they ate separately, etc.
4. Two years desertion
5. Five years separation

France

The French Civil code (modified on January 1, 2005), permits divorce for 4 different reasons; mutual consent (which comprises over 60% of all divorces); acceptance; separation of 2 years; and due to the 'fault' of one partner (accounting for most of the other 40%).

India

Hindu women were banned from obtaining divorce in India before the 1956 Hindu Marriage Act. Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, and Jains are governed by the Hindu Marriage Act. Christians are governed by the Indian Divorce Act, Parsis by the Parsi Marriage and Divorce Act, and Muslims by the Dissolution of Muslim Marriages Act.

Only five reasons are allowed for the dissolution of a marriage when contested: adultery, abandonment, impotency, disease, and spousal abuse, although court interpretations have widened their scope. However, if both couples agree to mutually consent to divorce each other, no reason has to be given. Usually such a divorce is given on the grounds of incompatibility. [8]

Ireland

The largely Catholic population of Ireland has tended to be averse to divorce. Divorce was prohibited by the 1937 Constitution. In 1986, the electorate rejected the possibility of allowing divorce in a referendum. Subsequent to a 1995 referendum, the Fifteenth Amendment repealed the prohibition of divorce, despite Church opposition. The new regulations came into effect in 1997, making divorce possible under certain circumstances. In comparison to many other countries, it is difficult to obtain a divorce in Ireland.

A couple must be separated for four of the preceding five years before they can obtain a divorce. It is sometimes possible to be considered separated while living under the same roof.

Divorces obtained outside Ireland are recognised by the State only if the couple was living in that country; it is not therefore possible for a couple to travel abroad in order to obtain a divorce.

Italy

Presumably due to the strong influence of the Roman Catholic Church, divorce was all but unobtainable in the Italian Republic and its predecessor states. The difficulty of ridding oneself of an unwanted spouse was a frequent topic of drama and humor, reaching its apotheosis in the 1961 film Divorce, Italian Style. On December 1, 1970, the civil code of Italy was amended to permit the granting of divorces by the civil courts. Subsequent efforts at repealing the divorce statute by referendum have so far been unsuccessful .

Japan

In Japan, there are four types of divorce. Divorce by Mutual Consent (kyogi rikon), Divorce by Family Court Mediation (chotei rikon), Divorce by Family court Judgement (shimpan rikon), and Divorce by District Court Judgment (saiban rikon).[9]

Divorce by mutual consent is a simple process of submitting a declaration to the relevant government office that says both spouses agree to divorce. This form is often called the "Green Form" due to the wide green band across the top. If both parties fail to reach agreement on conditions of a Divorce By Mutual Consent, such as child custody which must be specified on the divorce form, then they must use one of the other three types of divorce. Foreign divorces may also be registered in Japan by bringing the appropriate court documents to the local city hall along with a copy of the Family Registration of the Japanese ex-spouse. If an international divorce includes joint custody of the children, it is important to the foreign parent to register it themselves, because joint custody is not legal in Japan. The parent to register the divorce may thus be granted sole custody of the child according to Japanese law.

Divorce by Mutual Consent in Japan differs from divorce in many other countries, causing it to not be recognized by all countries. It does not require the oversight by courts intended in many countries to ensure an equitable dissolution to both parties. Further, it is not always possible to verify the identity of the non Japanese spouse in the case of an international divorce. This is due to two facts. First, both spouses do not have to be present when submitting the divorce form to the government office. Second, a Japanese citizen must authorize the divorce form using a personal stamp (hanko), and Japan has a legal mechanism for registration of personal stamps. On the other hand, a non-Japanese citizen can authorize the divorce form with a signature. But there is no such legal registry for signatures, making forgery of the signature of a non-Japanese spouse difficult to prevent at best, and impossible to prevent without foresight. The only defense against such forgery is, before the forgery occurs, to submit another form to prevent a divorce form from being legally accepted by the government office at all. This form must be renewed every six months.

Malta

There is currently no legislation providing for divorce, only separation and annulment are available under the Civil Code and Marriage Act respectively.

Philippines

Philippine law, in general, does not provide for divorce inside the Philippines. The only exception is with respect to muslims. In certain circumstances muslims are allowed to divorce. For those not of the muslim faith, the law only allows annulment. Article 26 of the Family Code of the Philippines does provide that

Where a marriage between a Filipino citizen and a foreigner is validly celebrated and a divorce is thereafter validly obtained abroad by the alien spouse capacitating him or her to remarry, the Filipino spouse shall have capacity to remarry under Philippine law.[10]

This would seem to apply only if the spouse obtaining the foreign divorce is an alien. However, the Supreme Court of the Philippines declared in the case of RP vs. Orbecidio

[..] we are unanimous in our holding that Paragraph 2 of Article 26 of the Family Code (E.O. No. 209, as amended by E.O. No. 227), should be interpreted to allow a Filipino citizen, who has been divorced by a spouse who had acquired foreign citizenship and remarried, also to remarry.[11]

Complications can arise, however. For example, if a legally married Filipino citizen obtains a divorce outside of the Philippines, that divorce would not be recognized inside the Philippines. If that person (now unmarried outside of the Philippines) then remarries outside of the Philippines, he or she could arguably be considered in the Philippines as having committed the crime of Bigamy under Philippine Laws]. The above complications will not arise if the legally married Filipino citizen obtains foreign citizenship first, then secures a foreign divorce decree.

Also, Article 15 of the Civil Code of the Philippines provides that

Laws relating to family rights and duties, or to the status, condition and legal capacity of persons are binding upon citizens of the Philippines, even though living abroad.[12]

This can lead to complications regarding distribution of conjugal property, inheritance rights, etc.[13][14][15] , etc.

Moreover, Article 26, par.2 may have raised some problems than it solves. A number of questions can be raised with respect to the operation of this provision, to wit:

1. Is there a need for a judicial decree in Philippine courts to declare the Filipino spouse qualified to remarry? The Family Code has no explicit provision to that effect, unlike in cases of void marriages and of a remarriage in case of absence of one of the spouses amounting to presumptive death (Art. 40 and 41, Family Code) where a court decree is required.

2. Is Art. 26, par. 2 applicable to foreign divorces obtained before the effectivity of the Family Code in view of Art. 256?

3. What if the Filipino spouse does not intend to remarry, what is the status of any children they may have after the divorce decree? Does the Filipino spouse have a right to demand support from his/her former alien spouse? What is his/her status with respect to his/her former foreign spouse? Can he/she claim share of property or income acquired by the former foreign spouse.

Scotland

About one third of marriages in Scotland end in divorce, on average after about thirteen years.[16] Actions for divorce in Scotland may be brought in either the Sheriff Court or the Court of Session. In practice, it is only actions in which unusually large sums of money are in dispute, or with an international element, that are raised in the Court of Session. If, as is usual, there are no contentious issues, it is not necessary to employ a lawyer. Divorce (Scotland) Act 1976.

It is likely that the two year separation period required for a no-fault divorce with consent will be reduced to one year. See now the changes introduced under the auspices of the Scottish Parliament through the Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006. Family law issues are devolved, so are now the responsibility of the Scottish Parliament and Scottish Executive.

Financial consequences of divorce are dealt with by the Family Law (Scotland) Act 1985. This provides for a division of matrimonial property on divorce. Matrimonial property is generally all the property acquired by the spouses during the marriage but before their separation, as well as housing and furnishings acquired for use as a home before the marriage, but excludes property gifted or inherited. Either party to the marriage can apply to the court for an order under the 1985 Act. The court can make orders for the payment of a capital sum, the transfer of property, the payment of periodical sums, and other incidental orders. In making an order, the court is, under the Act, guided by the following principles:

1. The net value of the matrimonial property should be shared fairly, and the starting point is that it should be shared equally; but
2. fair account should be taken of economic advantage derived by either party from contributions by the other, and of economic disadvantage suffered by either party in the interests of the other party or of the family; and
3. The economic burden of caring for a child of the marriage under 16 years should be shared fairly between the parties (but child support is not normally awarded by the court, as this is in most cases a matter for the Child Support Agency).

The general approach of the Scottish courts is to settle financial issues by the award of a capital sum if at all possible, allowing for a ‘clean break’ settlement, but in some cases periodical allowances may be paid, usually for a limited period. Fault is not normally taken into account.

Decisions as to parental responsibilities, such as residence and contact orders, are dealt with under the Children (Scotland) Act 1995. The guiding principle is the best interests of the child, although the starting assumption is in practice that it is in a child’s best interests to maintain contact with the non-custodial parent.

United States

Main article: Divorce in the United States

Divorce in the United States is a matter of state rather than federal law. In recent years, however, more federal legislation has been enacted affecting the rights and responsibilities of divorcing spouses. The laws of the state(s) of residence at the time of divorce govern; all states recognize divorces granted by any other state. All states impose a minimum time of residence. Typically, a county court’s family division judges petitions for dissolution of marriages.

Prior to the latter decades of the 20th century, a spouse seeking divorce had to show cause and even then might not be able to obtain a divorce. The no-fault divorce "revolution" began in 1969 in California, and was completed in 1985 (New York is the last holdout [1]). However, most states require some waiting period, typically a 1 to 2 year separation. Fault grounds, when available, are sometimes still sought. This may be done where it reduces the waiting period otherwise required, or possibly in hopes of affecting decisions related to a divorce, such as child custody, child support, or alimony. Since the mid 1990s, a few states have enacted covenant marriage laws, which allow couples to voluntarily make a divorce more difficult for themselves to obtain than in the typical no-fault divorce action.

Mediation is a growing way of resolving divorce issues. It tends to be less adversarial (particularly important for any children), more private, less expensive, and faster than traditional litigation.[17] Similar in concept, but with more support than mediation, is collaborative divorce, where both sides are represented by attorneys but commit to negotiating a settlement without engaging in litigation. Some believe that mediation may not be appropriate for all relationships, especially those that included physical or emotional abuse, or an imbalance of power and knowledge about the parties' finances.

States vary in their rules for division of assets. Some states are "community property" states, others are "equitable distribution" states, and others have elements of both. Most "community property" states start with the presumption that community assets will be divided equally, whereas "equitable distribution" states presume fairness may dictate more or less than half of the assets will be awarded to one spouse or the other. Commonly, assets acquired before marriage are considered individual, and assets acquired after, marital. Attempt is made to assure the welfare of any minor children generally through their dependency. Alimony, also known as 'maintenance' or 'spousal support' is still being granted in many cases, especially in longer term marriages.

A decree of divorce will generally not be granted until all questions regarding child care and custody, division of property and assets, and ongoing financial support are resolved.

Due to the complex divorce procedures required in many places, especially including many states of the United States, some people seek divorces from other jurisdictions that have easier and quicker processes. Most of these places are commonly referred to negatively as "divorce mills."

Global issues

Where people from different countries get married, and one or both then choose to reside in another country, the procedures for divorce can become significantly more complicated. Although most countries make divorce possible, the form of settlement or agreement following divorce may be very different depending on where the divorce takes place. In some countries there may be a bias towards the man regarding property settlements, and in others there may be a bias towards the woman, both concerning property, and also custody of any children. One or both parties may seek to divorce in a country which has jurisdiction over them. Normally there will be a residence requirement in the country in which the divorce takes place. See also Divorces obtained by US couples in a different country or jurisdiction above for more information, as applicable globally. In the case of disputed custody, almost all lawyers would strongly advise you stay to the jurisdiction applicable to the dispute, i.e. the country or state of you or your spouse's residence. Even if not disputed, the spouse could later dispute it and potentially invalidate another jurisdiction's ruling.

Some of the more important aspects of divorce law involve the provisions for any children involved in the marriage, and problems may arise due to abduction of children by one parent, or restriction of contact rights to children. For the Conflict of Laws issues, see divorce (conflict).

References

1. ^ Filipinos celebrate Valentine's Day discreetly
2. ^ Amani Aboul Fadl Farag. "Laws of divorce". islamonline.net. Retrieved on 2006-09-19.
3. ^ Irene Lôbo. "Nova lei de divórcio promete facilitar a vida das pessoas" (in Portuguese). islamonline.net. Retrieved on 2007-02-02.
4. ^ Douglas, Kirsten (Revised 27 March 2001). "DIVORCE LAW IN CANADA" (in English). Law and Government Division, Department of Justice, Government of Canada. Retrieved on 2007-03-28.
5. ^ "Family law, child custody, child & spousal support, property division & more.". ottawadivorce.com. Retrieved on 2006-09-19.
6. ^ "Family law, child custody, child & spousal support, property division & more.". A1-ontario-divorce.com. Retrieved on 2006-09-19.
7. ^ "Ontario court approves first same-sex divorce". theglobeandmail.com. Retrieved on 2006-09-19.
8. ^ Fried, Michael (1997). "Divorce in India".
9. ^ Japan Children's Rights Network. "Types of Divorce In Japan". Retrieved on 2007-06-18.
10. ^ "Family Code of the Philippines". Retrieved on 2006-09-06.
11. ^ "RP vs. Orbecidio, G.R. No. 154380, October 5, 2005". Retrieved on 2006-09-06.
12. ^ "Civil Code of the Philippines". Retrieved on 2006-09-06.
13. ^ "Van Dorn vs. Romillo, G.R. No. L-68470 October 8, 1985". Retrieved on 2006-09-06.
14. ^ "Licaros vs. Licaros, G.R. No. 150656. April 29, 2003". Retrieved on 2006-09-06.
15. ^ "Llorente vs. Court of Appeals and Llorente, G.R. No. 124371. November 23, 2000". Retrieved on 2006-09-06.
16. ^ Morrison, Anita; Debbie Headrick, Legal Studies Research Team, Scottish Executive Fran Wasoff, Sarah Morton (March 2004). "Family formation and dissolution: Trends and attitudes among the Scottish population". Scottish Executive Research 43. Retrieved on 2006-09-19.
17. ^ Hoffman, David A.; Karen Tosh (1999). "Coaching From The Sidelines: Effective Advocacy In Divorce Mediation" (PDF). Massachusetts Family Law Journal 85. Retrieved on 2006-09-10.

Also:

* Amato, Paul R. and Alan Booth. A Generation at Risk: Growing Up in an Era of Family Upheaval. Harvard University Press, 1997. ISBN 0-674-29283-9 and ISBN 0-674-00398-5. Reviews and information at [2]
* Gallagher, Maggie. "The Abolition of Marriage." Regnery Publishing, 1996. ISBN 0-89526-464-1.
* Lester, David. "Time-Series Versus Regional Correlates of Rates of Personal Violence." Death Studies 1993: 529-534.
* McLanahan, Sara and Gary Sandefur. Growing Up with a Single Parent; What Hurts, What Helps. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1994: 82.
* Morowitz, Harold J. "Hiding in the Hammond Report." Hospital Practice August 1975; 39.

* Office for National Statistics (UK). Mortality Statistics: Childhood, Infant and Perinatal, Review of the Registrar General on Deaths in England and Wales, 2000, Series DH3 33, 2002.
* U.S. Bureau of the Census. Marriage and Divorce. General US survey information. [3]
* U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Survey of Divorce [4] (link obsolete).

Allowing Absolute Divorce in the Philippines

2008-09-22T06:18:00.000-07:00

Atty. Fred
on April 18, 2008

Divorce is a controversial topic, except that it’s often discussed with hushed voices. Many are just waiting for the right opportunity to end their respective marriages, and the reasons are diverse — physical abuse (against the spouse and/or the children), sexual infidelity, irreconcilable differences and conflicting personalities, gross irresponsibility, loss (and transfer) of affection, among others. Unfortunately, these grounds are not enough to severe the marital bond through annulment. In lieu of divorce, married persons resort to annulment and according to the Office of the Solicitor General (OSG), there is an alarming increase in the number of annulment cases in the Philippines. The number of annulment cases filed in courts, which never breached the 7,000-mark prior to 2006, rose to 7,138 (2006) and 7,753 (2007).

Existing Philippine Laws regarding Divorce

Philippine laws do not provide for absolute divorce, but divorce was available in certain periods in Philippine history. Divorce was allowed under the Divorce Law of 1917 (Act No. 2710) and during the Japanese occupation, pursuant to Executive Order No. 141 (1943). As the law stands today, however, a marriage between two Filipinos cannot be dissolved even by a divorce obtained abroad. In mixed marriages involving a Filipino and a foreigner (or former Filipinos), Article 26 of the Family Code allows the former to contract a subsequent marriage in case the divorce is validly obtained abroad by the alien spouse capacitating him or her to remarry.

It is not really accurate to say that there is absolutely no divorce in the Philippines. Under Presidential Decree No. 1083, also known as the “Code of Muslim Personal Laws of the Philippines,” divorce is allowed in certain instances, but this law applies only when both parties are Muslims, or wherein only the male party is a Muslim and the marriage is solemnized in accordance with Muslim law in any part of the Philippines. For the rest of Filipinos, therefore, divorce is not available.

Efforts to Legalize Divorce in the Philippines

In 2005, party-list representative Liza Masa of Gabriela filed a divorce bill. According to Rep. Masa, the annulment process has been expensive for most Filipinos and has not been responsive to the needs of women, particularly those suffering from marital abuse.” In 2001, similar bills were filed in the Senate (Bill No. 782), introduced by Senator Rodolfo G. Biazon, and House of Representatives (Bill No. 878), introduced by Honorable Bellaflor J. Angara-Castillo. In 1999, Representative Manuel C. Ortega filed House Bill No. 6993, seeking for the legalization of divorce. The highlights of the explanatory note of House Bill No. 6993, in support for divorce, are:

Not all marriages succeed as a permanent union. An increasing number of married individuals find themselves subjected by their marriage partners to physical violence, grossly abusive conduct and other acts of or offenses that — rather than promote blissful, harmonious conjugal and family life — impair, debase or destroy the legitimate ends of the marriage relationship. The bill seeks to give spouses which are shacked by an irretrievably broken marriage the freedom to remarry and possibly succeed in attaining a stable and fulfilling family life.

Divorce is not a novel legal right. The Family Code sanctions relative divorce (a mensa et thoro). Legal separation is a recognized remedy for victims of failed marriages. Our civil laws on marriage justify and allow the separation of married individuals but does not confer them the legal right or remedy to extricate themselves from the ordeal of a broken marriage.

Divorce is not exclusive to contemporary times. Before the Spanish colonial rule in the early 16th century, absolute divorce had been widely practiced among our ancestral tribes — the Tagbanwas of Palawan, the Gadang of Nueva Vizcaya, the Sagada and Igorot of the Cordilleras, the Manobo, Bila-an and Moslems of Visayas and Mindanao islands, to name a few.

There were prior divorce laws. In 1917, Act 2710 allowed divorce on the grounds of adultery on the part of the wife and concubinage on the part of the husband. During the Japanese Occupation, a new law on absolute divorce, E.O. No. 141, was promulgated providing for ten grounds for divorce. These laws are no longer in effect.

Based on the increasing number of failed marriages which confines many of our citizens to a perpetual state of marital limbo, it has become morally and socially acceptable for many Filipinos to grant spouses of broken marriages the legal right to remarry. The present grounds for legal separation which are recognized in our society as justifiable bases for relative divorce should be re-enacted as lawful grounds for absolute divorce. In addition, it is recommended that “irreconcilable marital differences” be included in our present civil laws as a justifiable cause for absolute divorce because not all circumstances and situations that vitiate the institution of marriage could be specifically categorized and defined by our lawmakers. Spouses living in a state of irreparable marital conflict or discord should be given the opportunity to present their marital contrarieties before the courts and have such differences adjudged as substantial grounds to dissolve or sever the legal bond of marriage.

In addition to these reasons, there are criticisms that the existing laws on annulment are anti-poor, as the high cost needed to pursue a case for annulment prevents the poor from securing one. This, however, is the very reason cited by those who oppose divorce — the high cost is intended to discourage the people from trifling with marriage. Allowing divorce would serious weaken the institution of marriage. Anyone could decide to get married without thinking twice because they can get out of the marriage easily with divorce. If the current increase of annulment cases is alarming, imagine how the allowance of divorce would greatly increase the figure. Other arguments against the legalization of divorce are contained in the Position Paper of the Commission on Human Rights (CHR) against these bills. The highlights are:

1. The proposal to legalize absolute divorce with the right to remarry violates relevant international instruments on human rights, particularly Article 16(3) of the United Nation Declaration of Human Rights.

2.The innocent spouse and the children in most cases may suffer economic difficulties. Aside from being abandoned by the guilty spouse, the innocent spouse and children, in most cases, will suffer untold economic difficulties. The divorced spouses who will remarry will have to maintain another family of their own.

3. The human rights of the innocent spouse is violated. The guilty spouse in the divorce case is allowed to abandon or neglect his obligation to provide company and care of the innocent spouse and the children, thus violating Article 68 of the Family Code which reads: “The husband and wife are obliged to live together, observe mutual love, respect and fidelity and render mutual help and support.”

4. Irrespective of any religious beliefs, divorce of spouses with right to remarry constitutes a grave offense against a natural law. Divorce is unnatural and immoral as it causes disorder in the family and society. Because of its contagious effect in society, it becomes a plague on society. A divorce invites another divorce. The innocent spouse who has not contravened any law is unlawfully deserted.

5. Absolute divorce is destructive of the family as a social institution mandated under the Constitution. One of the basic policies of the State, as declared in the principles of the Philippine Constitution reads: “The State recognizes the sanctity of family life and shall protect and strengthen the family as a basic autonomous social institution. It shall equally protect the life of the mother and the life of the unborn from conception. The natural and primary right and duty of parents in the rearing of the young for civic inefficiency and the development of moral character shall receive the support of the government.”(Article 11, Section 12) The relevant constitutional provisions will have to be amended before the divorce bills will be enacted into law.

6. Absolute divorce violates the concept of marriage, a permanent union of man and woman. The Family Code defines marriage as a permanent union of man and woman (Art. 1). The Civil Code also provides for the presumption of the solidarity of the family and the indissolubility of marriage bonds (Art. 220).

Absolute divorce destroys the very concept of family as an inviolable social institution. The purpose of the proponents of the Senate and House Bills that it will give an opportunity for spouses to separate from an intolerable spouse and by entering into a new marriage is not altogether an assurance that the new marriage will be a happy and permanent one. The experience in countries where divorces are allowed and easily obtained, such as the United States, is that people divorces have experienced multiple divorces and have remarried several times in their selfish desire to get rid of unwanted spouses by intentionally creating the cause of the divorce.

There was little interest in our previous post calling for arguments regarding the legalization of divorce in the Philippines. Maybe no one reads this site, although it could also be reflective of the fact that people are still not comfortable discussing divorce in the open. The informal poll, on the other hand, revealed that 79% favors divorce. We don’t expect any significant change of the law in our lifetime, but this should not dampen the spirit of debate. Maybe we’ll get more substantial arguments and ideas this time around. Let’s hear what you have to say.

The Covenant Marriage

2008-09-22T06:16:00.000-07:00

by Al Janssen

If God really got married, the logical question is, “When?” Did I miss the wedding ceremony somewhere? The answer emerged when I learned about an ancient ceremony used between two nomadic tribes to make a peace treaty or to promise a boy and girl in marriage. The fathers would slaughter a goat or other animal, cut the carcass in half, and then at sundown walk barefoot through the blood path. The slaughtered animals symbolized what would happen to either party if they violated the terms of the agreement.

This was the ceremony God chose to use when he entered into a covenant with Abraham in Genesis 15. God asked Abram to take a heifer, a goat and a ram, plus a dove and a young pigeon, and slaughter them. But there was an unusual twist in this ceremony. While Abraham and his descendants were committed to this covenant with God, only God walked the blood path, thereby signifying that if Israel violated the agreement, God would pay the price with His own blood.

Technically, Abram and his descendants weren't married to God in the same sense that we understand a wedding ceremony today. It would be more accurate to say they were betrothed, which means that they were promised to each other. It is the same for Christ and His bride, the church. The wedding feast celebrating this marriage remains in the future at the wedding supper of the Lamb.

In our culture, couples are first engaged — they declare their intent to marry — but either party may back out before the wedding day, and there is no legal consequence for breaking an engagement. Such was not the case with betrothal. A betrothal was an ironclad contract that could be severed only by unfaithfulness or death. Though a couple might not celebrate and consummate their marriage for years, legally they were still considered married.

Such was the case with Joseph and Mary when she was found with child by the Holy Spirit. If a girl who was betrothed was found not to be a virgin before the wedding feast, when the marriage was consummated, she could be executed. This explains why Joseph, upon hearing that Mary was pregnant, decided not to make a public spectacle of his wife but to put her away privately — that is, until God spoke to him and revealed the identity of the child in her womb.

I wonder what the impact was on the children who witnessed a covenant sealed in blood by their fathers. Though they might hardly know each other, and indeed it might be years before they were ready to celebrate the wedding, they surely understood the commitment being made. There was only one way to escape from this marriage — by death.
Marriage Today

When a couple marries today, a lot of effort goes into the wedding. According to Bride's magazine, when the average couple adds up the costs of a wedding dress, tuxedos, dresses for the bridesmaids, rings, invitations, flowers, music, photographer, wedding cake and reception, they spend more than $19,000.

When we were married, Jo was a poor schoolteacher and I was a poor writer. We had less than $1,000 for our wedding. Jo brilliantly maximized the reach of our limited budget by making her own wedding dress and soliciting help from friends and family for such things as food preparation.

A major element of our planning was the ceremony itself. We'd both attended many weddings, and the norm of the late seventies was for each couple to custom-design their ceremony.

In that spirit, Jo and I sat down one Sunday afternoon to write out our commitment to each other. We discussed what we were doing in marriage: pledging to be faithful, to take care of each other, to support one another during good times and hard times. We scribbled several drafts, but none of them captured the right tone.

Finally, we settled on the following:

"I Al take thee, Jo, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health 'til death do us part."

"I Jo take thee, Al, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health 'til death do us part."

Those words or a slight variation of them have served Christians for centuries, and we couldn't find anything that better expressed what we were committing to each other. They expressed the vows we were making — an irrevocable commitment to each other with God as our witness.
Covenant

Today most people don't understand what covenant means. Our culture is built on contracts, and everyone knows that a crackerjack lawyer can find a loophole if you really want out. So contracts get longer and longer as the parties try to close all possible loopholes, but litigation increases because people change their minds and want release from their agreements.

One contract that is increasing in usage is the prenuptial agreement. A covenant is not at all like a prenuptial agreement. For one thing, there is no escape clause. In ancient times, a covenant was a legal agreement, but with two major differences from contracts today. A covenant was made before deity. And the penalty for breaking it was death. People might negotiate out of contracts, but not out of a covenant.

The covenant between God and Abraham was more binding than a wedding certificate is today. God impressed on Abraham the importance of the covenant: “As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you.” While Abraham didn’t walk the blood path, there was a symbol of his acceptance of the agreement. The proof of Abraham’s commitment was that he and every male descendant was circumcised (Genesis 17:9-14).

But in the covenant of blood, God traveled the blood path alone. By doing so, he said that if Abraham or any of his descendants violated this contract, God would pay the price with His own blood. There would come a day when God would heroically have to keep that promise.

For centuries in liturgical churches the service of holy matrimony has been clearly spelled out word for word. As I read several liturgies, I was struck by the similarities between the church service of holy matrimony and the biblical concept of covenant.

For example, the marriage service is conducted before God. Historically a covenant was always a religious ceremony, made before God or gods as witnesses. It was the one treaty between enemies that was enforceable, because neither party was willing to risk the wrath of their deity.

In the English Book of Common Prayer (1662), a wedding service begins with the minister addressing the congregation: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God…to join together this man and this woman in holy Matrimony." Again and again, the couple and witnesses are reminded that God is witness to this union.

Second, a covenant had witnesses. Likewise, the marriage vows are made before human witnesses. Why is that important? A pastor I know challenged a friend who had just announced he was leaving his wife of six years. "Oh no you're not!" said the pastor. "You made a vow to love your wife until death. I know. I was there and I heard you. Now you stay with her and work things out." The man was shocked, but he stayed, and today their marriage is much healthier. I wonder what would happen if, like this pastor, more witnesses challenged couples to fulfill their wedding vows.

Third, both a covenant and a traditional marriage ceremony declared the seriousness of the commitment. In The Book of Common Prayer, the minister utters these words in his opening exhortation to the congregation and the couple standing before him: "Holy Matrimony…is commended of Saint Paul to be honourable among all men; and therefore is not by any to be enterprised…unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to satisfy men's carnal lusts and appetites, like brute beasts that have no understanding; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God."

Recently, as I reflected on the vows Jo and I exchanged at our wedding, I was struck by the one-sidedness of our commitment. There were no qualifiers or disclaimers. I had promised to love Jo for better or worse until death, regardless of her actions or attitude. Likewise, Jo promised to have me for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, for as long as we both shall live, regardless of how well or poorly I behaved. No doubt we both assumed we would reciprocate in our love for each other. However, our vows said nothing about being loved back. By our words, each of us assumed 100 percent responsibility for the marriage. That's the nature of covenant. Each party makes an irrevocable vow.

Fourth, something of great value was exchanged. God wanted to give Abraham and his descendants a country, but He did it in the context of family. Did Abraham realize he was actually getting the best end of the deal? He was entering into a long-term relationship with the God of the universe. The land was very important, but it wasn't the most important thing — it was a symbol of the value of their relationship.

I am impressed again by the nature of the exchange in the traditional marriage service. It particularly struck me when I read the words uttered by the husband when he places the wedding ring on his wife's finger: "With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow.” In other words, the husband gave everything he had to his wife, including his body and his earthly possessions. No longer were there his or her possessions. Everything was theirs. Why is this important? Because in giving our all, we actually gain what we want.
Permanence of Marriage

Obviously millions of couples chafe under the idea of covenant, feeling that the permanence fences them in. But Jo and I feel secure within these boundaries. Without the possibility of divorce, Jo and I know that regardless of our problems, we will be there for each other. And when we disagree or fight, we had better figure out a way to resolve our differences, for we are going to be together for a very long time.
This article is excerpted from The Marriage Masterpiece, a Focus on the Family resource by Al Janssen, published by Tyndale House Publishers, copyright © 2001. All rights reserved.

God's Design for Marriage

2008-09-22T06:13:00.000-07:00

by Carol Heffernan

It's easy to think that only "other people" get divorced. That your own marriage is somehow immune to heartache, infidelity and fights over who gets the house, the car, the dog. After all, how many of us would walk down the aisle if we believed our relationships would end up in divorce court?

Truth is, no relationship comes with a lifetime guarantee. Even men and women who grew up in stable homes, who attend church and consider themselves Christians, who promise "until death do us part," can have it all fall apart.

As Christians, we know that applying biblical principles to marriage will give us a stronger foundation than those of our unbelieving friends and neighbors. We know this, but what are we doing about it? In other words, what makes a marriage "Christian"?

According to author Gary Thomas, we're not asking the right questions. What if your relationship isn't as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God?

Instead of asking why we have struggles in the first place, the more important issue is how we deal with them.

In Sacred Marriage, Thomas has not written your typical "how to have a happier relationship" book. Rather, he asks: How can we use the challenges, joys, struggles and celebrations of marriage to draw closer to God? What if God designed marriage to make us both happy and holy?
Viewing Marriage Realistically

"We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession," Thomas explains.

Instead, he says, we can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together. So, what does Thomas think is the most common misconception Christians have about marriage?

"Finding a 'soul mate' — someone who will complete us," he says. "The problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, spiritually speaking, it's idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God . . . and if we expect our spouse to be 'God' to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations."

Everyone has bad days, yells at his or her spouse, or is downright selfish. Despite these imperfections, God created the husband and wife to steer each other in His direction.

Thomas offers an example: "When my wife forgives me . . . and accepts me, I learn to receive God's forgiveness and acceptance as well. In that moment, she is modeling God to me, revealing God's mercy to me, and helping me to see with my own eyes a very real spiritual reality."

While it's easy to see why God designed an other-centered union for a me-centered world, living that way is a challenge. So when bills pile up, communication breaks down and you're just plain irritated with your husband or wife, Thomas offers these reminders to help ease the tension:

* God created marriage as a loyal partnership between one man and one woman.
* Marriage is the firmest foundation for building a family.
* God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy.
* Marriage mirrors God's covenant relationship with His people.

We see this last parallel throughout the Bible. For instance, Jesus refers to Himself as the "bridegroom" and to the kingdom of heaven as a "wedding banquet."

These points demonstrate that God's purposes for marriage extend far beyond personal happiness. Thomas is quick to clarify that God isn't against happiness per se, but that marriage promotes even higher values.

"God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution to raise children. He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to His own eternal, spiritual existence."
Serving Our Spouse

He spends the entire evening at the office — again. She spends money without entering it in the checkbook. He goes golfing instead of spending time with the kids. From irritating habits to weighty issues that seem impossible to resolve, loving one's spouse through the tough times isn't easy. But the same struggles that drive us apart also shed light on what we value in marriage.

"If happiness is our primary goal, we'll get a divorce as soon as happiness seems to wane," Thomas says. "If receiving love is our primary goal, we'll dump our spouse as soon as they seem to be less attentive. But if we marry for the glory of God, to model His love and commitment to our children, and to reveal His witness to the world, divorce makes no sense."

Couples who've survived a potentially marriage-ending situation, such as infidelity or a life-threatening disease, may continue to battle years of built-up resentment, anger or bitterness. So, what are some ways to strengthen a floundering relationship — or even encourage a healthy one? Thomas offers these practical tips:

* Focus on your spouse's strengths rather than their weaknesses.
* Encourage rather than criticize.
* Pray for your spouse instead of gossiping about them.
* Learn and live what Christ teaches about relating to and loving others.

Young couples in particular can benefit from this advice. After all, many newlyweds aren't adequately prepared to make the transition from seeing one another several times a week to suddenly sharing everything. Odds are, annoying habits and less-than-appealing behaviors will surface. Yet as Christians, we are called to respect everyone — including our spouse.

Thomas adds, "The image I use in Sacred Marriage is that we need to learn how to 'fall forward.' That is, when we are frustrated or angry, instead of pulling back, we must still pursue our partner under God's mercy and grace."

Lastly, Thomas suggests praying this helpful prayer: Lord, how can I love my spouse today like (s)he's never been loved and never will be loved?

"I can't tell you how many times God has given me very practical advice — from taking over some driving trips to doing a few loads of laundry," Thomas says. "It's one prayer that I find gets answered just about every time."

While other marriage books may leave us feeling overwhelmed, spotlighting our shortcomings and providing pages of "relationship homework," Sacred Marriage makes it clear that any couple can have a successful, happy and holy marriage.

With a Christ-centered relationship, an other-centered attitude and an unwavering commitment to making it work, your marriage can flourish — just as God designed.

Gary L. Thomas is a writer and the founder and director of the Center for Evangelical Spirituality, a writing and speaking ministry that integrates Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics.
Carol Heffernan is the online editor for broadcast programming at Focus on the Family.

Marriage & Domestic Violence: A Fatal Combination in the Philippines, Yet Divorce Is Illegal

2008-09-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

January 16, 2008

by Tess Raposas
- Philippines -

Maria was 16 when she first came to visit the Philippines from California and decided to remain here. Witty and talented, she became a popular movie icon. Then barely in her twenties, she plunged into an early marriage with an upcoming politician from the north. Nineteen years later, her body was found slumped on the stairwell of the 13th floor where she had fallen from the 23rd floor of the condominium unit where she was staying. She was only 38. Why?

Maria was also a mother of six whose life became an archetype of marital wretchedness. Even if she had wanted out of her marriage, it would have been impossible for her to opt for divorce: the Philippines is one of only two countries in the world where divorce is not allowed. (The other country is Malta, another Catholic stronghold, like the Philippines.)

• The church and fear of social rejection often pressure Filipinas to stay in abusive relationships. Photograph by Aby Arabit. •
Those in the know believe that she plunged to her death after enduring years of domestic violence from her politician husband. Before her death, she made several attempts to seek help. She placed several anonymous calls to a women’s organization hotline. “But fear always factored in and each time we would ask who she was and her circumstances,” recalls Ana Leah Sarabia of Kalakasan, a feminist group supporting women victims of abuse, “she would back off.” Sarabia’s group did their best to help her out -- but in the end, Maria dealt with her pain her way.

No Way Out

Maria’s is not an isolated case. Thousands of women suffer from domestic violence within marriage. In less than ten years, there was a big leap in the number of cases reported to police: 1,100 in 1996 shot up to over 6,500 by 2005. And those were just the reported cases of domestic violence. There are still more undocumented and unreported cases where women opt to suffer in silence for the sake of family togetherness. Violence also goes unreported due to victims’ embarrassment, not knowing how or to whom to report, or worst of all, the tragic belief that the violence was unimportant and that nothing could be done anyway. Yet these victims are wasting away from the unresolved injustice of their lives.

Of the reported cases, authorities say the primary perpetrators of violence are husbands. In 2003 the Social Weather Station, a research and survey institution in the Philippines, conducted a survey of men who admitted having physically harmed women. Thirty-nine percent had committed it against their wives; 15 percent were violent toward their girlfriends; 4 percent beat their unmarried partners. The rest of the attacks against women were committed by men unknown to them. Clearly, domestic violence or violence in the confines of intimate relationships is the most prevalent form of abuse against women in the Philippines. Combine a no-divorce policy and you get an agonizing picture of Filipino women. How they subsist and survive in this situation is hard to imagine.

On an international scale, a World Bank analysis indicates that half of the world’s women have been battered by an intimate partner. In Asia, 60% of all women have been assaulted.

The impact on children is appalling. Body Shop International estimates that 1.8 to 3.2 million children in the Philippines are exposed to domestic violence and suffer the traumatic effects for the rest of their lives. This number just escalates year after year.

Failed Attempts at Divorce

Curiously, The Philippines allowed divorce during the Spanish era, the American period and the Japanese Occupation.

Only in 1950 did a new civil code take effect, disallowing divorce under Philippine law. The 1988 Family Code adopted the same policy but it did provide for nullification of marriage on grounds of psychological incapacity.

While a few brave legislators have authored bills to legalize divorce, none of these have seen the light of day. Proposed bills regularly expire at the committee level before they can even be deliberated up in Congress.

To date, five bills have been filed in Congress, two in the Senate and three at the Lower House. Senator Rodolfo Biazon, Senator Tessie Aquino Oreta, Representative Bellaflor Angara Castillo, Representative Manuel Ortega and Representative Liza Largoza Mazaall all put bills up for a vote in their respective houses.

SB 782, Senator Biazon’s bill, sought to amend the Family Code by allowing absolute divorce and thereby granting legally separated spouses the right to remarry. The subject of scrutiny of SB 782 is the existing provision under the Family Code which allows psychological incapacity as the only grounds or basis for the nullification of a marriage. Attorney Carol Austria, a legal rights advocate notes:

“Psychological incapacity is a very limited basis but the Supreme Court describes psychological incapacity as an incurable disease. The focus must shift from psychological grounds to issues of gender inequality and freedom from unhealthy and devastating relationships. A petition for nullification of marriage is also a far cry from the usual divorce proceeding practiced worldwide.”

In formulating a national divorce law one must account for the existing indigenous community practices where proceedings are performed by mumbakis (indigenous priests) or tribal leaders. “Many marriages have been solemnized not in city halls, but in tribal communities. The important thing is to recognize what they deem as a practical and sensible divorce law in their own context,” she says.

In the end, these bills failed to advance beyond the filing stage and were not even calendared for reading because they were not considered “priority bills”.

The latest and most controversial of the divorce bills filed is House Bill 4016 authored by feminist-activist Representative Liza Largoza Maza. It emphasizes the need for a divorce law that defines unequivocally all the grounds and terms for terminating a marriage. “When a marriage is no longer viable, divorce should be an option because it could actually provide protection to battered women and their children from violence and abuse. Women must have the option of remedies that will pave for the attainment of their human development and self-fulfillment and the protection of their human rights. The existing law on petition for nullification of marriage as a provision in the family code is not enough to address this.”

Representative Largoza Maza’s bill was filed in 2005, but after tirades from the Catholic camp, nothing more has been heard of it. Meanwhile, those who oppose its passage spread the word against the bill, declaring it would destroy the sanctity of marriage, disintegrate the close-knit Filipino family and bring about all sorts of moral decay.

Paths Women Take

Stories like Maria’s and those of other celebrities with similar experiences are broadcast on national television. That should bring additional attention to divorce, but critically, such discussions are not sustained.

Most Filipinos take the side of the Catholic Church, although there has been no costly referendum. Anyone who advocates for divorce is judged immoral and without conscience. Staying married for the sake of the family is considered a sacrifice with heavenly rewards.

Plus, Filipino women tend to submit to society’s pressures. They dare not earn the ire and judgment of their community. The path usually pursued, which is still unpopular, is to separate, but this leaves women in a legal bind. It takes financial independence for a woman to make a successful getaway from an abusive partner. She must be able to sustain herself and her children to ward off the abusive husband who would try to harass her into coming back. The social stigma for a woman who breaks up her marriage is deep-seated, disconcerting and disempowering.

Those who have gone through annulment cases attest to just how painstakingly long and tedious the process is to prove the other person is “psychologically incapacitated”. Women who have gone through annulment claim that it eats up an enormous part of their resources, makes their lives a public show, and even then they wait for years for the court to grant them marital freedom. Others have waited in vain when the courts simply denied their claims.

Dinah, a private school teacher,finds her lack of choice tragic. She describes the man she has been married to for a decade as “a man in an iron mask”: every day he inflicts some form of abuse on her. She did not know this about him at the beginning. Dinah is now vulnerable to mistreatment by the very person who made an eternal promise to love her.

Of Choice and Repression

When will the government realize that a divorce law is not meant to advocate separation and broken marriage, but merely expands the choices of its citizenry? When the state offers no viable alternative to desperate, hopeless marriages it is tantamount to a human rights violation by the state.

Fortunately the authors of these divorce bills have not lost their fighting spirit. Divorce advocates are always looking for new venues where they can be heard. Maybe this time, the debate should not just be had in the halls of the Filipino congress but in a much larger venue with worldwide coverage. The United Nations, the International Court of Justice, the Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination Against Women and other international organizations must be persuaded to step in. Taken together, Maria’s story, Dinah’s, and all the other voices crying out in pain represent a systemic disgrace.

This is after all, a story about bondage and illegal confinement on a national scale, where women are both the willing and unwilling victims.

About the Author
For the past 15 years, Tess Raposas has been a freelance journalist and media and development consultant, having worked on various writing and research projects on gender and environmental concerns. She believes that every journalist must grow from being an "objective", somewhat robotic truthsayer to a socially aware and accountable truthseeker. She is based in Quezon City, Philippines.

Divorce - reducing marriage to a temporary sexual contract.

2008-09-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

Many people support the creation of divorce for plain selfish reasons.

If there is such a thing as divorce, then there is really no such thing as marriage.

"When we make a law, its inner logic may lead to all sorts of consequences we can’t foresee."

But we as Filipinos can see! We can see how divorce in the so called "more advanced" countries has destroyed the meaning of their marriage, destroyed their families, and has negatively impacted their children... for two whole generations!

Marriage in the so-called "more advanced" countries has been reduced to the level of legalized fornication. Contraceptive culture has reduced heterosexual sex to the level of Sodomy... so much so that homosexuals now feel emboldened to claim their own "right" to redefine marriage to include homosexuals!

Do you still want to follow the so-called "more advanced" countries on the their proven self-destructive laws that deconstructed the very concept of marriage?

Would You Sign This Employee Contract?

"An employer can, at any time, dismiss an employee, without justification, and have that employee imprisoned if he objects too strongly to his dismissal. For example, if the employee raises his voice in anger he may be arrested for 'violence'. In any event, an employer can dismiss an employee regardless of the circumstances, and at his sole discretion. He can fire him from his job, whenever he wishes, no matter how long the employee has served with the company, and even if the employee has done absolutely nothing wrong. Further, the employer can insist that the employee is evicted from his own house, and never allowed to re-enter it. An employer may further demand that the sacked employee must, under threat of imprisonment, forfeit part of any future income to the employer for some considerable time into the future."

Now read this. It is the Lovers Contract. The Western Marriage Contract.

"A woman can, at any time, dismiss her male partner, without justification, and have that partner imprisoned if he objects too strongly to his dismissal. For example, if he raises his voice in anger he may be arrested for 'domestic violence'. In any event, a woman can dismiss the man regardless of the circumstances, and at her sole discretion. She can fire him from his jobs as father and partner, whenever she wishes, no matter how long he has served the family, and even if he has done absolutely nothing wrong. Further, the woman can insist that the man is evicted from his own house, and never allowed to re-enter it. If she has children, a woman may further demand that her sacked partner must, under threat of imprisonment, forfeit part of any future income to the woman and her children for some considerable time into the future - and this is the case even if her children turn out not to be his."

In the West, these ARE the terms and conditions of marriage!

(This is a big big reason why western marriage is collapsing, this is a big big reason why we in the Philippines must never merely copy laws from other countries, and a big big reason why divorce should never be legalized.)

Taken from the work of Angry Harry

Legalize Divorce?

The Filipino family is threatened with extinction. Loose sexual mores, a birth control mentality, open homosexuality, new age philosophies and economic distress are only a few of the pressures that come to bear on families. Certain social, political and economic forces, both local and global, are threatening the venerable institution of the "domestic church" - the father, the mother and their children.

According to the World Congress of Families, "slogans such as modernity, globalization, progress, and the concept of civil society, are the forces that have weakened the bonds between husbands and wives, parent and child, and the generations.

These ideologies deny the natural origin and status of the family, the equal but complementary roles of men and women, the miracle of human fertility and procreation, the dignity and worth of every human person and the autonomy of family itself. The family, which develops and sustains not only individuals but also larger communities, has been subordinated to the agendas of pressure groups and government decision-makers and subjected to social experimentation.

One such manifestation of this appalling low regard for the family unit is the proposed enactment of four house bills, termed by pro-life and pro-family advocacy organizations. These are:

HB 6993 or the "Legalization of Absolute Divorce" filed by Congressman Manuel Ortega of La Union that allows married to separate and remarry, both the aggrieved as well as the guilty spouse.

HB7165 or the "Lesbian and Gay Rights Act 1999" filed by Congresswoman Bellaflor Angara Castillo of Aurora Province, which will make same marriages legal. HB 173 which seeks to "establish a new population policy strengthening the Population Commission" initiated by Congressman Heherson Alvarez, requiring bigger budget and foreign funds for population control activities, distribution of contraceptives and sex education.

The Family Code of the Philippines gives two alternatives to people who want to get out of failed marriages: A relative divorce in the form of legal separation and annulment. Under our present laws on marriage, legal separation does not dissolve the marriage bond between legally separated spouses The law therefore, forestalls them from pursuing marital ties with others.

This is mainly the reason why proponents HB 6993 or the absolute divorce bill insist on its enactment. They claim that absolute divorce is necessary to free couples from impossible marriages such as in the case of battered women. By allowing remarriage for separated spouses, HB 6993 supporters say they are giving a chance for separated couples to "possibly succeed in attaining a stable and fulfilling family life."

But Archbishop Oscar Cruz, D.D. Canon lawyer and president of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines has this to say: "For those desirous only of doing away with an impossible relationship with no intention to remarry, the recourse is legal separation not divorce. Regarding anomalous relationships such as in the can of psychiatric persons or behavioral deviants, once proven by experts that any of these have been existent at the time of the wedding, then civil marriage annulment is the recourse, not divorce."

So many people have been intrigued by the bill end have taken a strong stand against it that a primer entitled "PERILS (which stands for Psychological, Economic, Religious, Identity, Legal and Social Aspects) of divorce is being circulated in Metro Manila.

The primer branded the bill as anti-women, anti-children, anti-society and a violation of our present Constitution. Listed here are some of the arguments presented in the PERILS primer.

All human beings believe in specific ways to attain happiness in life. In the past decade, some groups in society have emphasized personal happiness in marriage as a priority over responsibilities to spouse and children. Today, unhappy marriages are commonplace and divorce is accepted as an easy solution to marital problems. What has become more prevalent seems to be the unwillingness of people today to work through the stresses inevitable in every marriage.

The divorce bill currently pending in Congress contemplates remarriage for separated spouses to ''possibly succeed" in family life. A weight of evidence however does not support this hope. The bill is just seen as an endless entry-exit revolving door, which will likely result in a divorce spiral following that of the American society whose values becomes so easily assimilated into the Filipino culture. Look at the following U.S. numbers and draw your own conclusions:

YEAR------- MARRIAGES (M)------- DIVORCES (D)-----------%OF (D) TO (M)
1900---------- 709,000--------------------56,000---------------------- 8
1930---------1,127,000------------------196,000----------------------17
1960---------1,527,000------------------395,000----------------------26
1975---------2,126,000----------------1,026,000--------------------- 48

The belief that divorce equals happiness is utterly false. Cormac Burke, a noted authority on marriage and the family says: "If in divorcist societies, up to 50 percent of persons who fail to find happiness in marriage, where are they going to find it? I n a second marriage? The statistics say No. The divorce rate, among divorcees who remarry, is three or four times higher than among those who marry for the first time.

"Divorce does not tend to make for happiness. Divorce tends to make for divorce; and divorce always marks the final collapse of a hope for happiness. Divorce, it is frequently argued, is only meant for the hard cases, for those persons whose marriages have in fact failed, so as to give them the chance to start again. The evidence, however, is becoming massive that the remedy is worse than the illness," he adds.

The financial and economic resources of a family are generally divided upon the onset of a divorce. The father, who unusually initiates the separation in the Philippines, must now support two families which will require two homes, two sets of furniture and appliances, and subsequently two sets of children. Conflicts arise over money, property, custody and maintenance. This deepens bitter feelings between the spouses, children and in-laws.

As well as becoming impoverished, single mothers often become lonely, afraid and exhausted. Divorce has not made women equal to men but has only caused hardship in many ways to them and to their children. Statistics show that women generally fare worse in divorce because of maintenance default and raising children on reduced incomes. A U. S. study in 1985 made by the Stanford University found that mothers and children average a 73 percent decline in their standard of living the first year after divorce, while men's increased 42 percent.

Thus, many women and children find themselves needing public assistance and undergoing many changes in lifestyle and socioeconomic status. Then, too, the difficulty of raising children alone, causing many family problems.

Divorce is fundamentally a moral, not a legal issue. Were it not for its moral dimension, the issue would be totally within human competence and freedom. The reality is that the Catholic church, comprising about 85 percent of the Philippine population is absolutely against divorce as a universal error and a serious violation of God's law. And this is based on the clear teachings of Jesus Christ, who raised matrimony from a sacred contract to the dignity of a sacrament.

Divorce results to a dysfunctional home. This kind of home is hardly the breeding ground for a psychologically stable and emotionally mature person.
In divorce, the needs of children for parents are disrupted and their development process hindered or impaired.

Thus serious problems occur which usually lead to runaway teens, drug problems, alienation, prostitution, low self-esteem, depression and even suicide.

Moreover, long-term physical and emotional burdens are often placed on children which endure long after the divorce; These frequently take the form of post-adolescent fears of commitment or betrayal, lack of goals and feelings of not being in control of their life.

Whatever legal route the proponents of a divorce law in the Philippines may take, it will end up running smack against the 1987 Constitution, which provides that the family is an inviolable social constitution. (Art. XV, Sec. 2).

Other provisions regarding the family in our 1987 Constitution are:

Sec. 12. The State recognizes the sanctity of family life and shall protect and strengthen the family as a basic autonomous social institution. (Art. II, Ibid.)

Sec. I. The State recognizes the Philippine family as the foundation of the nation. Accordingly, it shall strengthen its solidarity and actively promote its total development. (An. XV, Ibid.)

The social costs of divorce, as experienced in the United States, are also frightening. Divorce is essentially a social explosive that, in time, will go off in the form of sexual aberrations, acts of violence, drug addiction and other detrimental signs of social maladjustment.

Consider these facts:
"Most victims of child molestation come from single-parent households or are the children of drug-ring members." (Los Angeles Times, 9-16-85)

"Due to the significant drop in their income, mothers and their children often have to move to less expensive housing after a divorce or separation. Thus, each move which brings a change in friends and neighborhoods, frequently adds stress to an already high level of stress within the family." (Larson, Sawyers and Larson "Of the juvenile criminals who are a threat to the public three-fourths come from broken homes. (Ramsey Clark)

In a study of 72 adolescent murderers and 35 adolescent thieves, researchers for Michigan State University demonstrated that fully 75 percent of those charged with homicide had parents who were either divorced or had never been married at all." (Cornell, et. al.)

A habitual wife-beater, divorced and remarried, is not likely to morph into a tender, loving lamb with his second or third wife. Both goodness and evil have multiplier effects. It, therefore, makes enormous sense not to make it easy for persons to exit from and reenter into marriage.

A stable family is built upon the combined parental love and unified parental force of the spouses. In order to make children grow into mature, responsible and upright persons of society, strengthening of the family is needed. But this rests on no one else but the family itself. If God is at the center of the family unit, trust that the bulwark will weather all the storms in life.

For more information, go to:

ALLiance for the FAMILY Foundation Philippines Inc.
http://www.alfi.org.ph

Legalizing Divorce Not a Pro-Women Move

2008-09-22T04:37:00.000-07:00

Mar. 20, 2006

If you think divorce will further the cause of women’s liberation in the Philippines, think again. Legalizing divorce is basically anti-women and will aggravate the problem of violence against women.

The call for women’s equality becomes louder these days as March has traditionally been designated International Women’s Month. It is ironic, though, that during this time when womanhood is being celebrated worldwide, a legislative measure in the Philippine House of Representatives presumably aimed at improving the lot of women by its author will do just the opposite if it is enacted into law.

House Bill 4016, also known as the divorce bill and introduced by feminist partylist Rep. Liza Maza, seeks to amend portions of the Family Code of the Philippines so as to make divorce legal in the country. The bill is currently pending with the Committee on Revision of Laws.

Jose Descallar, Pro-Life Philippines’ lobby and advocacy officer, says the bill which may be initially perceived as a pro-women measure, will actually make life even harder for women.

“Divorce is more anti-women. Think about it – who gets custody of the child of separated parents most of the time? The woman, because man is perceived as a philanderer, or an unsuitable parent for other possible reasons,” he says. “This leaves the responsibilities of rearing and nurturing the children to the woman. So with divorce, the man can engage in his philandering over and over. He can get a divorce, get married again, then go for divorce again, and just keep doing this – he can victimize more women.”

Descallar explains that Pro-Life chooses not to support the legalization of divorce because it doesn’t give solutions to the problem of troubled marriages. In fact, it creates more problems – for women and the children. The worst victims of divorce, he points out, are the children.

“Generally instead of strengthening the institution of marriage, the option of legal divorce will weaken it. Based on the experience of the United States, out of every 10 marriages, more
than half end in divorce. If there’s always the ready option to get out, instead of working to strengthen the marriage and to solve problems, and trying to understand your spouse, there’s an easy way out It’s kind of an ‘escape hatch’,” he says.

Furthermore, the definition of “irreconcilable differences” is nowhere in HB 4016. With plenty of room for disagreement in any marriage, stating “irreconcilable differences” as one of the grounds for divorce with no clear definition of the term may make even simple marital spats legitimate reasons for going separate ways.

Consequently, instead of being worked out, situations such as conflicting bathroom habits or bouts of petty jealousy become situations that – instead of being worked out – may eventually be treated as legitimate reasons for divorce.

This opposition to HB 4016 may be viewed by divorce advocates as shutting the door on workable choices for women in troubled marriages. Descallar disagrees.

“There’s the option of legal separation which has the spouses living in separate domiciles. This is very significant in cases where there is physical abuse – the woman is protected from abuse,” he explains. “Also, legal separation doesn’t dissolve the marriage even if the two live separately, so the husband continues to be bound by his financial responsibilities as a father. The wife still has a legal right to ‘sustento’ (financial support).”

“Introducing divorce in our country is imposing a foreign concept of family values instead of nurturing the positive points of our Filipino values, among which is being a family-centered society. Divorce is a western individualistic family value that will eventually destroy our families and our society.”

One congressional proposal that Pro-Life supports is House Bill 216 penned by Muntinlupa Rep. Rozzano Rufino Biazon, which aims to provide mandatory counseling from priests, pastors and imams for spiritual and values re-education as a means for preparing the couple before getting married.

“It’s a preventive measure, and the basic premise is that marriage is a very serious business. It’s not a bed of roses so people need to prepare for it. But this kind of preparation is not the kind that City Hall normally provides, which centers on the how-to’s of birth control,” Descallar points out.

“Values education and spiritual preparation are rooted in the concept of personhood, which is crucial before entering married life. This understanding of personhood will greatly diminish the causes of conflict in marriage. Now House Bill 216 requires couples to undergo counseling prior to the issuance of a marriage license.”

Missing Important Milestones in Your Child's Life

2008-09-20T02:22:00.001-07:00

Every life has its milestones. Not only the big ones like birth marriage and death, but many smaller ones – birthdays, moving school, Christmas, even sports days - and these are the ones you often miss after separation.

Until you’re on your own, you often don’t realise just how much you will miss. Indeed, if you and your partner break up before your child is born, you can miss out on the birth, which can be a huge loss. What can you do about missing milestones in the lives of your children, and how can you arrange things so you don’t miss them all?

Missing the Milestones

The nature of contact means that you’re bound to miss many of the milestones in the lives of your children. You won’t generally be invited to birthday parties, and their Christmases will generally be spent with their mother and her family. In most cases, though, not being physically present doesn’t mean complete exclusion. You will have contact close to the time, and you can use that as a celebration. You can also phone them, send birthday and Christmas cards, and presents either to be opened on the day or when your kids are with you. It’s not the same things, but it does tell your children that you remember and that you care.

With parental responsibility, you can be legally involved in where your children go to school, so when they move up, you can have a say in things. Listen to what your kids want in this; after all, their involvement is direct. Then contact your ex and offer your recommendations. She is probably the one who’ll attend parents’ evenings at schools.

If relations with her are good, ask her what the teachers have been saying about your children. Ask the kids to bring their reports and sit down and talk to them about the comments.

Of course, in some instances relations with your ex are so bad that there can be little civil contact between you. This presents problems, but on major issues you can invoke parental responsibility to make your views heard.

Being There For Milestones

At times you might be able to negotiate things so your children spend a birthday or Christmas with you, or that you can attend a school event instead of your ex (in some important instances, it might even be possible for the two of you to go together). You might not consider it at the time, but if you’re negotiating directly with your ex for contact, try to have every other Christmas as part of the arrangement (or at the very least, Boxing Day). It allows you to celebrate at least some of the holidays with your children, and on a personal level, can greatly brighten what can be a very lonely season for you.

As far as possible, you should try to be involved in the milestones of your children’s lives. No, you may not be there the first time they successfully ride a bike, but you can perhaps arrange to attend a school sports day where they’re running – in fact, your ex might be glad to let you go in her stead at times.

It’s not easy, and inevitably you’ll miss more than you attend (indeed, where you have no chance to be involved, even though you want to be, you’ll miss them all, which can be heartbreaking). But make the most of the milestones for which you’re there; enjoy them with your kids.

Missing Important Milestones in Your Child's Life

2008-09-20T02:22:00.000-07:00

Housing for Separated Fathers

2008-09-20T02:14:00.000-07:00

With separation, housing becomes an urgent and thorny issue. You might well own your current house with your partner – what happens to that, and especially the money you have tied up in it? Even if you’re renting, there are issues that need to be faced. As for where you go, what’s the best path to take, renting or buying another property?

Your Current House

If you’ve been renting your house, and one of you will be remaining, in whose name is the lease? If it’s in your name and you’re moving out, both you and your ex should be aware that there’s no automatic transfer of lease to her. You’ll need to talk to the landlord and make new arrangements. You’ll also want your deposit back, since the amount will be very useful when renting a new place.

If you own, the two of you will need to make arrangements for your property. If it’s owned jointly, as most are, you have two choices. If one of you intends to remain in the house, that person will have to buy out the other. You can also decide to sell the house and split the money. If your partner is buying you out, make sure the arrangements aren’t just private, but registered through the building society, so you’re formally released from the mortgage. If not, then legally the property will still be classed as partly yours, and if your ex defaults on the mortgage, it can adversely ruin your credit rating.

Where to Move?

When you leave, you can either buy a new house or rent. Rental has many attractions in the short term, as you decide what you want to do and where you want to live. Be aware that most rentals are on renewable short-term six month leases. You’ll initially pay the first month’s rent plus a deposit (usually equal to a month’s rent) which can be refunded when you leave, as long as the property is in good condition.

You might consider renting with a friend, but make sure both your names are on the lease, otherwise, if the other person is named as the renter and moves out, you might find yourself homeless.

If you decide to buy, you’ll almost certainly have to downsize, since you’ll be relying on just your income rather than that of a couple. However, with a 100% mortgage you won’t need a down payment, although, with some mortgages you might need to find money for stamp duty, valuation fees and legal fees. Don’t be afraid to shop around for the best deal.

Before you look at any property, make a checklist of what you need. Apart from the basics, each of your children should have their own bedroom (budget and the number of children might not make this possible), and there should be a garden where your kids can play. If you buy, even if it’s just a small property, it puts you back on the property ladder, and if you can make a good down payment, your monthly mortgage might be less than rent.

The other question is where you should buy or rent. There are distinct advantages in staying close to your former home, since it makes contact with your children much easier. However, some separated fathers prefer to move away. This can be a job, the desire to make a clean break, or cheaper housing prices in another part of the country. There are pluses and minuses to both that you need to weight for yourself.

When You Move

Regardless of where you move, when you do switch addresses there are some things you need to do. Before you transport everything to your new place, go through items – do you need or even want them? Moving is always a good opportunity for a clearout.

You’ll also need to inform people about your change of address. That’s not only friends, but the following: banks, building societies, any pensions you receive, National Insurance, Inland Revenue, credit card companies, DVLA, insurance and your GP. This will ensure that important items of mail follow you to your new home.

Coping Financially After a Separation

2008-09-20T02:10:00.001-07:00

There’s a lot more to separation that learning to deal with a new emotional state or making arrangements regarding your children. In practical terms sorting out your finances can be one of the trickiest areas.

If you and your ex have any joint bank or building society accounts, you’ll need to close them and re-open as individual accounts.

The simple fact is that you’re almost certainly going to have less money than you did before. Where you’d probably been used to two incomes, there will now be only one, and that will be further depleted by whatever you have to pay in maintenance for your child, which can take a serious chunk – possibly a quarter – off your net income.

Living With Less

The very first thing to do is review your finances. There might have been direct debits relating to your old relationship that no longer apply (phone bills, Sky or cable, etc). Make sure you cancel these.

If you’re paying into a pension or an ISA, take a look at how much you’re contributing and consider reducing it. In the long run you’ll want to re-assess, but in the short term, you can probably use the cash for day-to-day bills.

Take a look at exactly what you need to survive each month – rent or mortgage, council tax, heat, electricity, food. There might be very little left over, so you’ll need to set yourself a budget, and make sure you stick to it. If at all possible, try and save some money each week, even if it’s only £5.

Ideally, you should have a cushion of money in the bank, the equivalent of three to six months’ salary in case of emergencies or unemployment. However, in a lot of cases that simply isn’t possible, so saving slowly – and making sure you don’t touch the amount unless it’s absolutely necessary – will help.

If you smoke, this is the perfect incentive to stop – at 20 a day you’ll be saving well over £100 a month, which you can use for other things.

How to Make More Money

It might be worth dusting off your CV and applying for a better job where you can earn more money. You can also look into part-time jobs that will work around your regular hours – but make sure you still leave time for contact with your children. With a part-time job, not only will you be making extra, but you’ll be around a new set of people, which can expand your social life, as an added bonus.

What Not To Do

One thing to avoid is using your credit cards. It might seem like a good option when money is tight, but it’s one that will come back to haunt you. You can quickly find yourself struggling in debt, and forced to turn to consumer credit counselling to extract yourself. Cut up most of your credit cards to avoid the temptation. Keep one for absolute, unavoidable emergencies.

Depression

One side effect of having very little money and constantly struggling to get by can be depression. If you find yourself succumbing to this, go in and talk to your GP. The doctor should be able to suggest remedies, including counselling, that could help alleviate your depression.

Building a New Financial Future After Separation

2008-09-20T02:04:00.000-07:00

After separation your finances won’t be in the same shape they were when you were part of a couple. You’ll still have your bills to pay, plus monthly maintenance for your children, and have to do it all on a single income. So how do you work towards financial security in the future?

The Beginning

You’ll find that in many cases you’re starting from rock bottom, with barely enough money to scrape by, and budgeting each penny very carefully. You might well feel like you’re on a treadmill, and simply working to survive. But that’s the ideal time to start planning.

Put a little away every week, even if it’s only £5, in the highest interest savings account you can find. It’s money you should touch only in the event of an extreme emergency.

Be sure you make your credit card payments on time, even if you can only afford the minimum payment. Failure to do so can have an adverse effect on your credit rating which could have bad consequences in the future.

Make a Plan

Consider where you’d like to be financially in five years or 10 or 20. What will it take to achieve that? Be realistic about what it will take, and make a plan to get there. It might require being harsh with yourself, but as long as you have enough to cover your bills and get by, then it can be a workable idea.

If you come into extra money – overtime, a bonus, or even a bequest – salt a large portion of it away in your savings account. When you reach a certain amount - £1000, say – look around for a better opportunity for that money, where it will generate more money for you. Those opportunities vary, and the amount of return varies with the risk. Be conservative, and re-invest what you make.

As Time Passes

Saving can become a habit, and its one well worth learning. However, financial security, even on a small scale, won’t happen overnight. But over the course of several years, if you manage your money wisely, you’ll find yourself on an even keel and moving ahead.

It’s never too early to think ahead to retirement, even if you’re still young. Once you have a cushion of money underneath you (the general advice is enough to sustain you for three to six months, in case of unemployment), you’d do well to think about ISAs and pensions. Read carefully before making any decisions, and invest only what you can comfortably afford; there’s no point in stretching yourself too thin now to assure your future, since you still have to live.

Keep to the practice of living within your means. It might be nice to own a new car, but do you really need one, for instance? Think before you spend anything. Once you’ve paid off your credit cards, don’t take on any new ones, especially store cards, which generally carry a much higher rate of interest. Also, take advantage of deals to transfer existing balances and receive lower interest rates.

Reaping The Fruits

Your circumstances might change, for better or worse, so be willing to be flexible. If you meet a new long-term partner, then obviously your priorities will change a little. But whatever occurs, don’t lose your goal of financial security for yourself.

How a Separated Father Can Move on

2008-09-20T02:02:00.000-07:00

Let’s start this by saying you never move on from your kids. They’re yours and with you to love as long as you live. They will bring you joy and grief and sleepless nights as they grow, whether you live with them or not. However, there are ways to move on from the pain of not being around them every day.

It’s not something that will happen overnight, or even in a matter of a few months. Like most things involving emotions, it’s a gradual process, but it’s one you can work through and emerge on the other side.

Setting Goals

One thing to help you is setting goals for where you want to be in a year, two years, and five years. Make them achievable – there’s no point aiming for the impossible, especially when you know it’s impossible. Working towards those goals can set you on a path where you can move ahead and leave the past behind. These can be emotional goals, work goals, educational goals, anything you like.

Set up markers for yourself so you can see how you progress. Even if things go slowly, you’re still going forward, and it’s still measurable.

Your Kids

At first you’ll find yourself missing your kids a lot, and wondering how your relationship with them will continue, whether it will suffer from your lack of presence. If you keep in close contact with them, though, and make the most of every opportunity for contact, things will turn out much better than you initially imagine.

However, that nervous feeling is likely to persist for a while, and you might find yourself walking on eggshells around your children, wanting them to be happy with you. But eventually you’ll relax, and simply be yourself with them. If you had a strong bond with your kids before, you’ll find that it won’t go away just because you’re not there every day. Remember, they’re probably as full of fears as you, wondering if you’ll still love them.

Over time you’ll relax around each other, and enjoy things just the way you used to before. In fact, since your time together will really be spent together, rather than in the same house doing other things, you might well become even closer.

Relationships

A good relationship is an excellent way to move on, but that’s not a reason to rush into one. Take your time and let things develop naturally. Two things you should have learnt from your split is that there are no guarantees in life, and that relationships take work. Rushing things, or trying to move too fast, can rupture something that might have been good. However much you might want to feel part of a couple again, let it grow naturally, if it grows at all. Not every attempt will work, but each one will take your further from the hurt in the past, and you’ll realise other people can still find you desirable.

The constant throughout everything, will be your relationship with your kids. As they grow, inevitably they’ll grow away from you a little, making their own friendships, and in time moving away to start their own adult lives. Remember, though, that would happen whether you were with your ex or not. And by the time it does, you’ll be settled in your new life. It’s a cliché, but ultimately, the only person who can move you on and make you happy is yourself – but your kids run a very close second.

Dealing With Being Alone

2008-09-20T01:58:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest aspects of no longer living with your family is finding yourself suddenly alone. Even if you have a good support network of family and friends around you’ll still spend plenty of time on your own, and it can seem like a huge dislocation after years with your partner and your children. How do you deal with it?

Learn To Be Happy With Yourself

Learning to love yourself and to be comfortable alone might sound like something from a self-help book, but it really is important. It takes time to emerge from a relationship – up to two years, according to some – before you’re free of the baggage and really able to move ahead.

You can use time by yourself very positively, to consider why this last relationship and others before it ended. See if there’s a pattern that’s been repeated. If there is, identifying it is the first step to breaking it.

It’s also a good time to take stock of your life. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? Are you happy in your job, or is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but never had the chance? This is the perfect time to make that change, whether it’s for a new job or to improve your education to move into another field. A new focus will bring new goals and surroundings and fill your time. It will also bring you a new circle of friends and colleagues, which can be useful when you’re making a fresh start.

Take up a new hobby. Is there something you’ve always wanted to try? If so, begin doing it. Even if it doesn’t live up to your expectations, that’s fine; you’ve given it a try, and it might introduce you to something else.

Using Your Network

You will have family and a network of friends that has built up over the years. Make time to see them and spend time with them. Often when in family situations, others become relegated to the background. Being alone is the perfect opportunity to become close to those others again.

Of course, there can be problems with some friends. A number of them will have known you and your ex, and might be on her side, or might not want to be thought to be taking sides. Others, though, will be supportive. Socialise with them, enjoy evenings out.

Family can be a great boon during this time. Visit them – brothers, sisters, parents – and enjoy your time together, especially during the holidays, which can be the most depressing times of the year if you’re on your own.

If You Have No Network

For a number of reasons, it might be that you have no family or friends locally that you can turn to. That definitely makes life harder, since you’re completely cast back on your own resources. You need to make sure you don’t become a recluse. Look around. You’ll see a number of activities advertised locally. Take the plunge and join in with one or two; it’s a good way to develop a circle of acquaintances.

Unless you’re a naturally social person, it can be hard to force yourself to go out and meet new people. However, it’s worth making the effort.

The worst thing you can do is dash out and try to find a new partner. Emotionally, you’re not in a good state to begin a new relationship – all the clichés of on the rebound really apply. It’s better to wait. That doesn’t mean no girlfriends, of course, but keep things light. In fact, a new girlfriend can be good; it reminds you that people can find you attractive and desirable. Just don’t make more of it than it really is, for your own sake.

Dating As A Separated Dad

2008-09-20T01:55:00.000-07:00

One thing most men find when they’re single again is that it’s a big, scary dating world out there. Without them realising it, the rules seem to have changed, and for many it’s difficult to approach females.

That’s not too surprising. After a period of being settled with someone you’re cast on your own devices again. Even if you didn’t like what you had, you knew what it was and what to expect. Now you’re finding your way in the world again, and trying to maintain your kids as the centre of things – which, of course, is where they should be.

Before You Start Dating as a Single Dad

As a single dad, most things in your free time will revolve around your kids, when you can see them and talk to them. That’s perfectly natural. Any arrangements with friends will take second place.

But you’ll fond something else going on inside yourself. You’ll have changed from the single man who got together with your ex, tempered by responsibility. On top of that you’re now alone and trying to adjust to being single again, which isn’t easy for most people, as time in the evenings and on weekends when you don’t have your kids can feel like it stretches out endlessly.

Many suggest taking time to yourself before you plunge back into dating. The company and the intimacy can be good, but you also need to sort yourself out. Be willing to reflect on yourself, what you want from life, from another relationship, and for your kids.

In the long run this time out can serve you well. It’s certainly healthier than careening from relationship to relationship and having none of them work out. The more you understand yourself and develop a clear picture of who you are, the better. As has been said, to love others you need to love yourself first.

Starting To Date as a Single Dad

Whether good or bad, being with your ex was a full relationship, and you were together most of the time when you weren’t working. That’s not something you’ll get again easily, and you shouldn’t want to. When you start dating again as a single man, you should do it gradually, from dipping a toe in the water and only slowly working up to full submersion.

One of the first problems is finding someone to date. It might be someone who’s been a friend, or you could join a dating site – they are many for almost every taste and age group.

Once you have found someone to date, keep it low key. Meet somewhere public for a coffee to see how you get along when it’s just the two of you. Don’t be discouraged if there’s no spark – and even if there is, don’t expect too much. Simply enjoy a little time in someone else’s company.

You don’t need to ask for another date immediately. Think first – is this someone you want to see again? If so, call and ask her out. But let things develop naturally, don’t try and push it into a relationship. Don’t be disappointed if things don’t work out – the old saw about kissing a lot of frogs to find a prince also applies to princesses.

Remember to keep your kids firmly in the centre of things. Arrange dates around your time with them. Don’t, under any circumstances, introduce your kids to a new girlfriend until the relationship is already well-established (although you should tell anyone you date about your circumstances).

The last thing your children need is to meet a succession of women. Wait until something is good, then allow a relationship to develop between your girlfriend and your children.

Starting over romantically isn’t easy. Sometimes it can feel as if, for each step forward you march two back. Just take things slowly and steadily, learn to be happy on your own, and things will work out in time.

Talking to Your Child About You Having More Children

2008-09-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

You can be the best parent in the world and keep a close bond with your kids after separation. They might even love your new partner, and thoroughly enjoy spending time with you and her. But if the time comes that you and your new partner are expecting a baby of your own, they can see that bond as threatened.

That’s perfectly understandable on their part. They worry that another child, especially a baby, will mean that you’ll love them less and have less time for them. What you have to do, and keep on doing, is prove to them that’s not true.

Telling Them about the Pregnancy

Don’t put off telling your children that your partner is pregnant. The earlier you tell them, the better, since it gives them more time to become used to the idea. However, you should probably wait until the first trimester, with its danger of miscarriage, is complete – having to explain pregnancy then miscarriage can be one step too many for some.

Sit your kids down and explain the situation matter-of-factly. Reinforce the idea that you love them and they’re always going to be very important in your life. If possible, both you and your new partner should sit down with the kids. It might involve a brief explanation of the facts of life, depending on the ages of your children.

Tell them you want them involved with the baby (if you have girls, they’ll probably welcome this), that it will be a brother or sister to them – this keeps them as part of your family.

As The Pregnancy Develops

There’s no reason for you to change what you do when you have your children with you. Continue your activities, but keep involving them in the pregnancy – touching the bump when the baby’s kicking, for instance. Your partner might no longer be able to take part in all your activities with your kids, but that’s fine. Enjoy the time you have alone with your children, keep them secure in your affections and as part of the family. Treat the pregnancy as just another part of life; don’t dwell on it too much with them, so it will seem a perfectly normal event.

After The Baby’s Born

Once the baby’s home, bring your kids over to see it. Make sure, though, that they know how fragile the little one is. This can be the hardest time, for you, juggling the demands of a baby with the need to see and enjoy your other children. But it’s also the most crucial time. Taking time away from your kids for the baby can make them believe the baby is more important than they are. So no matter how tired you are, be certain to give them their full share of your time. Keep them involved with the baby; give them small tasks to help, so they feel an attachment, rather than a resentment of this new addition. At the same time, make sure you do things with your kids on their own. Most vitally, never treat the baby as more important than your kids. Equality is the key.

It might take several months until your kids fully accept the baby and stop seeing it as a threat. If you’ve given your kids as much attention as you did before, and continue to do so, you’ll successfully build a strong extended family.

How Visitation Rights Work For Fathers

2008-09-20T01:49:00.000-07:00

As a father you want to stay in close touch with your children, even after you and your partner have separated. Obviously, the best and simplest way to do this is an agreement between you and your ex, which can be made legally binding by solicitors. This means it doesn’t have to go through the courts, and will work when relations between the pair of you are amicable.

If you have Parental Responsibility, either by being married to the mother when the child was born, being present when the birth was registered and having your name on the birth certificate as the father, or through a Parental Responsibility Agreement or Parental Responsibility Order, you have rights and responsibilities to your children.

Obviously, part of that is support in financial terms, but also in emotional and legal terms, too. In return, you have contact with your children. Family courts have a principle called “presumption of contact,” under which they have to do everything possible for fathers to see their children.

Contact Orders

Very often, court-issued contact orders prove unnecessary, since arrangements will have been worked out privately or in mediation between the two parents. However, even where a Contact Order is issued, often the parents are allowed to work out the details for themselves. Before any Contact Order is issued, however, the court must take several things into consideration:

* What the child wishes, if he or she is old enough to make any kind of decision.
* The educational and emotional needs of the child.
* Whether there’s any risk of harm to the child.
* Whether you’re capable of meeting the child’s needs during contact.

These might seem possibly weighted against you, but the sole intent is for the welfare of the child. In the vast majority of cases – well over 90% - Contact Orders are granted. If it’s come to a hearing, one important factor will be the report by the CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) officer. Both parents, as well as other carers and teachers, will have been interviewed, and in most cases the court accepts the report as it stands (although you can challenge part of it or even ask for a new report from a different officer if you disagree).

Residence Order

A Residence Order determines who the children should live with – if none has been issued, then they’ll stay with their mother. You can apply for a Residence Order to have full custody of your children, but realistically speaking, unless there are pressing reasons they should not stay with their mother, it’s unlikely your request will be granted.

Things Not To Do

When you have contact with the children, you should not attempt to take them out of the country without written permission from their mother. Even if it’s for a holiday, this needs to be discussed and permission in writing given.

Whilst you have the children, don’t say negative things about your ex-partner. It creates confusion and a bad atmosphere for the children. You have more positive things to concentrate on during your time with them, anyway.

Communication With Your Children

2008-09-20T01:45:00.000-07:00

One thing you’ll find not being around your children all the time, is that communication with them can become more difficult and more stilted. That can become worrying, since you want to stay close to your kids, to know what’s going on in their daily lives, and what they’re thinking and feeling. The ability to keep in touch can be a big factor.

But there are ways to make sure that growing apart doesn’t happen, at least if your children are old enough. Your physical contact might be limited, so you only spend a relatively small amount of time with them, but don’t let that discourage you. There are other methods.

Online

For most kids over the age of eight, computers are a completely normal part of life nowadays. They’re also an excellent way for you to communicate with your children. Many kids have e-mail addresses through school, and there are plenty of web-based free mail services.

If your kids have a computer at home, when they’re visiting you, set up an e-mail account for them, and also an Instant Messaging account with a relatively safe service like MSN (both are free, but you should check with your former partner first). Show them how to use it. This makes for a great way to keep in touch. You can set aside time on the weekends you don’t see your children to spend time together online, either chatting or playing online games together. You should, of course, teach them about online safety. There’s one great plus to communicating this way – it enhances their computer skills.

Phone

The phone is an excellent way of staying in touch. You can call your kids in the evening, or buy them mobiles and talk to them on their way home from school. It’s a chance for chatting on a regular basis – every evening, if possible. The calls don’t have to be long, just an opportunity for you to catch up on what’s happened during their day.

What to Talk About With Your Children

Children can be notoriously uncommunicative. Ask about school and you’ll hear “it was okay,” or something similar. Draw them out where you can, ask a few questions, enough so you can gauge what’s happening. But don’t just talk; listen, too. Let them lead the conversation, talking about things that are important to them. Develop an interest in their interests so you can talk more knowledgably about them (and you’ll discover that in many cases, interests can change from month to month, so you’ll be playing catch-up).

Above all, simply talking is the most important thing – often it doesn’t matter what you talk about. The more often you can do it, the stronger the bond between you and your children. Many men only talk to their children when they have contact, and it takes a determined, ongoing effort to keep regular contact, but the results are more than worth it.

Obviously, the situation is far easier when your ex doesn’t put obstacles in your way. But if you have parental responsibility, you should be able to have regular access via phone calls or online with your kids.

It’s important to keep as many channels of communication as possible open with your kids. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues they’ll face in life – sex and drugs, for example. These might be addressed at school, but it never hurts to reinforce them. Also, if you talk to your ex and hear about issues that the children have, discuss those with them, too. It’s not simply part of being a parent; it’s also caring and wanting the best for your children.

Relationships With Your Ex Partner

2008-09-20T01:41:00.000-07:00

It can be very difficult maintaining good relations with your ex in the wake of a split. Feelings run high on both sides and often things are said that should have remained unspoken.

However, during that time, if at all possible, you should keep the harsher words for when your children aren’t around. They’ll probably pick up on the atmosphere anyway, but avoid being blatant.

At The Split

The time just before and after the split is usually the lowest point for relations between you and your former partner. That’s not always the case – some people manage to remain friends even during this time – but in general, the best thing to do is not speak about personal issues with your ex.

You’ll need to communicate about the children, making arrangements for contact and so on. That can be polite enough, but avoid asking questions about how her life is going, whether she’s seeing anyone, or any kind of personal issues. If the split has been especially acrimonious, as some are, then make all contact with your ex as brief and straightforward as possible. Keep talk strictly about the children and contact, and deflect anything else she might bring up. In some instances no direct contact with your ex can be the best move.

Don’t relay messages to your ex through your children, and don’t say negative things about her to them.

After A Few Months

When a little time has passed and life has begun to take on a new normality, you might find that you and your ex talk a little more, and relations thaw between you. This is the best scenario. You can even become friends, after a fashion, and realise that although the relationship didn’t work, you still have something in common. This serves the children well, because they see you no longer arguing.

However, both you and your ex should make it clear to the children that this doesn’t mean you’re likely to get together again. They might well believe that an improved situation could bring them. But tell them gently, and let them down easily if they have ideas in that direction.

Don’t try and move along a relationship with your ex. Even if you feel friendlier towards her, don’t push things. Above all, don’t go back and review the relationship. That’s simply asking for trouble. Nor should you ask questions about her private life. If she wants to volunteer information, that’s fine, otherwise leave it alone. Similarly, don’t talk too much about yours, especially if you’re in a good new relationship – it can seem like gloating and just builds resentment.

Later

The big change can often come after a couple of years, when you’ve both had the chance to rebuild your lives. By then things are on an even keel, the children are used to the new arrangements, and everyone has moved on somewhat, and you might find that you and your ex have become good friends. After all, you have the children as a common bond, and as they grow you have new issues to face, which you’ll need to discuss.

There is always the possibility that relations with your former partner will never improve. That might be on one side, or it might be mutual. However, you both need to remember that your children are in the middle, and you both want the best for them, so you should maintain a civility between you for their sake.

Remarriage or new long-term partners can also affect relations with your ex. Depending on so many factors, it can stir up old ghosts, or you can be happy for each other. You should try to be glad for her when she’s in a new relationship. If it ends, don’t say anything, but if she chooses to talk, be supportive.

Talking to Kids About Your Separation From Them

2008-09-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

Separating from your partner is a hugely traumatic experience not just for you, but also for your children. For adults it can be bewildering and terrifying, but put yourself in the position of your children: They’ve been used to having two parents around, and suddenly that security they’ve known is being ripped away. One of their parents, which in most cases means you, the father, will no longer be around every day. Their world is going to be shattered. So how do you explain it all to them?

Preparation

If possible, you and your partner should sit down together and decide what to tell your children. Don’t argue in front of the kids – the less poisonous the atmosphere, the better for everyone.

Children are smarter than many believe. They’ll have a sense that things aren’t right, even if they don’t understand exactly what’s happening. You should strenuously avoid saying negative things about your partner in front of the children (this applies all the time, not simply during the separation process).

If at all possible, sit down with the children and explain things a little while before you move out. Give them time to adjust to the idea rather than presenting them with something as it occurs.

The Most Important Points

It’s impossible to stress it enough, but make sure that you tell the children that the separation isn’t their fault. It’s common for children to feel responsible when their parents split up, so emphasise often that the reasons have nothing to do with them. When explaining the situation to your kids, the two of you should do it with respect for each other. Accusations and shouting will only upset your children even more.

As part of that, reiterate often that both you and their mother love them, and want the best for them. Encourage their questions, and give the most honest answers that you can (at the time it’s often not possible to know exactly what you’re feeling).

It might not be possible, but the best scenario is if you and your partner can sit down together with the children and explain the situation to them. With young children, going into any kind of detail is pointless, as they won’t understand. Older children will almost certainly have friends with separated or divorced parents, so explain the circumstances to them.

If living conditions are going to change for your kids, tell them. They might be moving to a new house or a new school. Tell them as far ahead of time as possible. This will be a stressful time for them, and they’ll need the support of both parents even if you’re not together. Make sure you’re available to them, in person, on the phone and by e-mail, when they need you.

The Problems

Of course, with some splits the parents find it impossible to sit down together for an explanation to the children. When that happens, sit down alone with your kids, tell them you and your partner are separating and that you have to move out. However, make sure you tell them where you’ll be, and explain to them the ways they can get hold of you (phone, e-mail), and that you will see them regularly and always be available to them.

Take care, too, not to bad mouth your partner, however you feel. It serves no purpose, and forces your children to take sides, one parent against the other, making them pawns in a game which leaves them in a very uncomfortable position.

Remember throughout that both you and your partner want the best for your children. Whatever your situation, keep that uppermost in your mind.

Introducing a New Partner to Your Children

2008-09-20T01:31:00.000-07:00

One of the most stressful things you can do as a separated father is to introduce your children to your new partner. You want everyone to like and accept everyone else – and you’re really not sure what you’ll do if that doesn’t happen. There are no guarantees of course, but there are a number of things you can do to try and ensure everything goes smoothly. That’s especially important for your children, who won’t understand a lot of the dynamics, and who after all, are the most important things to you.

What Type Of Partner Should You Introduce?

The chances are you’ll date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Don’t introduce your kids to every passing girlfriend. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you’re developing a serious relationship, it’ll take them longer to trust her.

It’s best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you’re comfortable with each other. Talk to her about your children beforehand, by all means, but try to avoid discussing your former partner.

One thing you have to do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children, all the time you can. It’s easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, but don’t do it at the expense of your kids.

The First Meeting

The first meeting between your children and new partner should be a casual, social occasion – say a trip to the park or the cinema. It certainly shouldn’t be anything that involves stress; don’t go to an amusement park, for example, where you might spend a long time queuing for rides with the children becoming restless. You want everyone relaxed. Introduce your partner as a friend, make light of it. Don’t kiss her and hold her, keep everything light, and include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children on her own. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would.

Moving On

You don’t need to have your partner with you every time you have your children; in fact, it’s a bad idea. They need time alone with you. But do have her join you regularly. For a while keep it as light as possible, still introducing her as a friend. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship – obviously in terms they’ll understand, depending on age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they’ll have developed their own relationship with your new partner and accept her readily.

If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you’re renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about decorating rooms that will be theirs – it gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship.

If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your ex. She’ll hear about it anyway from the children, but it would probably be best if you told her first, if only as a courtesy to prepare her.

Problems

Obviously, you can’t force your children to get along with your new partner. What happens if they don’t? Then you’re left between a rock and a hard place, and there’s no easy resolution. It’s quite possible you’ll have to make a choice between partner and children (and the same applies if your partner doesn’t like your children). Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end, and taking you on means taking them on, too – you’re a package deal. At that point you’re left with a painful decision to make, and whichever way you go, someone is going to be hurt. The best thing to do is everything in your power to make sure things go well. Don’t rush anything – there’s plenty of time.

If You Leave For Someone Else

The situation is a little different if you’ve left to be with another woman. Your ex will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that doesn’t mean you need to introduce her immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you’re with them, and introduce her gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing her immediately as the new stepmother; between fairytales and stories, step parents have bad reputations. Give them a chance to become used to her – and vice versa.

Staying Involved in a Child's School Activities

2008-09-20T01:27:00.000-07:00

As a separated or divorced parent, it’s not always easy to keep up on what’s happening with your children at school. At the best of times kids don’t communicate much about school with their parents, no matter how good you are at parenting. Asking how school was often elicits something like “Good” as a response, which isn’t especially helpful and getting more information can be like pulling teeth.

As a single dad it’s even harder, since you want to make the most of the time with your kids rather than pestering them for information about school – although, of course, you want to know if there’s a problem there, so you can do something about it.

But even as a single dad you can be more involved if you choose to be, and as a good father, you will certainly want to be. In many ways it becomes a parenting issue, as school is the main component of childhood these days.

The Responsibilities of Schools

If you have Parental Responsibility for your children as defined under the Children Act 1989, then you have a right to take part in all the decisions regarding the education of your children. That’s not just good parenting, it’s the law.

You have the right as a parent to receive information from the school, including attendance and performance reports on your children, to give permission as the father for trips and other activities, to participate in school activities and to be told about any meetings at school that involve your children.

If your ex hasn’t given information about you to the school, you can contact them directly, after which they have to provide you with information. In the case of school trips, then, permission has to come from both parents, and if only one gives permission, to stop possible conflicts, the child won’t be allowed to go. The school is also obliged to inform both parents where the child is ill or has medical issues.

How To Be More Involved As a Single Dad

If you’re on good terms with your ex, you could attend school meetings or parent’s evenings in her place, to talk to the teachers and get a good assessment of how your children are doing. You could also attend things like sports day or pick up the kids from school sometimes (although you might feel out of place as a father among all the mothers) – a perfect chance to talk to them about what’s been happening while it’s still fresh in their minds.

However, if you and your ex are not on good terms, it becomes a little more difficult. Talking to your kids about school is good when you’re a single dad, but even if they expand their answers, you’re only going to get one side of the story.

Talk to the school and see if you can arrange meetings with the teachers to discuss the progress of your kids. It shows that you’re involved as a parent – as you undoubtedly are – and good parenting, by wanting to know. But although fathers have traditionally been less involved in the education of children, leaving it to the wives, as a father alone you have to be more pro-active.

For single dads, it’s perfectly possible to remain very active and involved in your child’s education. You just have to make the effort to do it.

Things To Do With Your Kids

2008-09-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

There's a bleak old image of a divorced father treating his kids to a film on a grey afternoon before shepherding them to a burger bar for a treat before taking them back to their mother and heading home alone in the rain to a poky flat.

But, as they say, that was then, and this is now. Life has moved on, the courts offer separated fathers better contact with their children in almost every case, and there are plenty more options for fathers.

Home Life

Much of the time you simply want to spend time with your children in a relaxed atmosphere, and nothing beats home for that. It might not be the home they knew, but take them to your place, whether it's a flat or a house. Give them a chance to feel comfortable there, to become used to your surroundings.

If you can, have things there they'll enjoy, like a game console, maybe even one they don't already own. Encourage them to treat the place like their own. It's much easier to talk in surroundings like these. If the place is big enough and you can have them overnight, let them stay, with a room to call their own, and remind them that they now have two homes, not just one, that they're always welcome - and mean it. Let them decorate the room and truly make it feel like theirs.

You can make evenings seem special and fun with a pizza and DVD night, as long as you allow them to choose the movie. Even if it's one you don't really want to watch, sit through it anyway, share the time fully with them.

Outings

Remember, the time together isn't just for you, it's for your kids, too. You want them to have fun, not feel it's a duty. So don't spend all your time at home. Do things, but make them special if you can (although going to a movie can also be a good time).

In the summer, pack a picnic and head out into the country. Take a hike, get some exercise, enjoy the views. You'll all feel better for the exercise and fresh air, and they may even develop a taste for walking and nature. There are almost certainly places to go within easy reach of where you live, or go farther afield, perhaps somewhere the kids have never gone before.

If there's an event they really want to attend, buy tickets and go with them (or, if they're older, drop them off and pick them up). It can be a show or a concert, or almost anything. You could even try something different, such as a trip to a museum or a theatre.

Holidays

Depending on relationships, you might be able to negotiate with your ex to have the children for a week or two during school holidays. Take them away with you. It doesn't have to be four-star fancy, just somewhere fun and different, whether within the UK or abroad (however, if you're taking them overseas, check to see what you'll need. Apart from passports for everyone, it might also involve a letter of permission from your ex).

A holiday together can be a magical time. You might not feel relaxed at the end of it if you've had to take charge of them for an extended period, but you'll still feel good from the time spent together.

When Your Ex Gets a New Partner

2008-09-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

It can be hard enough to maintain a good relationship with your children if there's just a limited amount of time you can spend with them. It never feels like enough, and you worry that there might be a distance growing between you.

That feeling can worsen if your ex gets a serious, long-term partner. The natural feeling is that the new man in her life might end up closer to your children than you are.

The Feelings

How do you cope with the emotions and fear - because that's exactly what it is - that your children might end up calling another man dad? When your first learn that your former partner has someone serious it's at its worst, because you really don't know what the future might hold.

A lot depends on the bond you have with your children. If it's strong and secure you really have no need to worry. In their minds you will always be your father, even if someone else sees a lot more of them than you. Of course, it can be hard to remember and hold on to that, and the only thing that can make you feel better is time.

The problem can be if your relationship with your children is tenuous. The trick is not to feel it's a competition between you and your ex's new man. Remember, he needs to get to know the children and form his own relationship with them, which will take time. Ultimately, however much he's around, there's no way he can replace you. Simply be yourself with the kids and try to improve your own relationship with them.

What You Can Do

It's never an easy situation, and even if you're very secure with your children, you're bound to wonder from time to time, especially if the kids take to their mother's new man (and realistically, you should hope that they do, since it truly makes life easier for everyone).

Don't shy away from asking about things they do with him - although, in most cases, children tend to be garrulous, so they'll probably tell you anyway. Try not to show any jealousy, even if it's inside. Your kids don't need to know that there's a turmoil inside your head and heart. Try not to feel to threatened, since, in all likelihood, there's no reason.

Spend as much time as you can with your kids, and take advantage of all the time you're legally allowed. Do things they enjoy, and make sure you take part!
The Problems

If you don't have a good relationship with your ex, things can be a problem. All you can hope is that she doesn't try and turn the kids against you, and tries to put her new man into your place.

In that case, all you can do is be yourself and be loving with your children. Fighting fire with fire and saying bad things about your ex and her new partner is very counter-productive. It simply confuses the children and leaves them feeling very insecure. Enjoy your time with them and simply be you.

Paternal Grandparent's Rights

2008-09-20T00:49:00.000-07:00

Grandparents are a huge asset to any family. Not only do they have a lot of love to give to their grandchildren, but these days they’re often called on as carers while the parents are at work. They play a vital role in the family.

More than that, when they’re carers (and even when they’re not) they develop very close bonds with their grandchildren, who sometimes spend more time with them than with their own parents. Estimates are that around 60% of all childcare in the UK is provided by grandparents, a truly staggering figure.

But when a couple divorce, what rights do the paternal grandparents have to see their grandchildren?

The Law

The sad but true fact is that only people with parental rights – which usually just means the mother and father named on the child’s birth certificate – have automatic access to the child. However, that doesn’t indicate that all legal doors are closed to grandparents. Where children are over the age of 10, their views are also taken into account when deciding access, although this is tempered with statements from the parents.

For those children below that age, the court tries to assess what’s in the best interests of the child when it comes to access. So it’s possible that paternal grandparents could have access (all this assumes the children reside with their mother). Realistically, though, it’s rare for paternal grandparents to be given access.

In Scotland there have been more moves towards grandparent access, a recognition of the role grandparents take in the raising of a child.

What Can You Do?

In truth, grandparents don’t have a legal leg to stand on. If your former daughter-in-law wants to deny you access to your own grandchildren, she can, and perfectly legally. You can try approaching her directly and negotiating access, or through mediation, but there’s no guarantee it would work.

There is also the alternative of taking the matter to court. Be warned, though, that it can be expensive, and in the vast majority of cases, you’ll find it to be unsuccessful. Additionally, there are a number of obstacles to be overcome first.

Quite ridiculously, the grandparents first have to apply to court for permission to even apply for a contact order. If it sounds convoluted, that’s because it is. But even if permission is granted, and the matter does go to court, the grandparents still have to prove that prior to the split they had an important, meaningful relationship with their grandchildren, and that it’s in the interests of the children that it continues. In other words, the onus is on the grandparents to prove their case, since there’s no presumed contact between grandparents and grandchildren. Additionally, parents can object, raising yet another hurdle.

Even in the few cases that grandparents win, that’s still no guarantee of success. The mother can simply ignore the order for access from the court, leaving the grandparents with another lengthy and expensive legal action to have it enforced.

It’s heartbreaking, not just for the grandparents, but also the children, who may well have depended on them for so long and built their lives about them. Even in the best break up, everyone suffers. When there’s rancour and bitterness involved, that’s doubled, and the ones who suffer most are the most powerless legally.

How Can I Avoid Losing Contact with my Daughter?

2008-09-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

Q.Please could you point me in the right direction. My ex partner has stopped any form of contact with my 9 year old daughter because I have gone through the CSA for maintenance. I was currently paying £200 per month but found the money was not being spent on my daughter. The CSA have imformed me that I should be paying £7.00 per week, I have offered £25.00 but been told by my ex that unless its £50 then don't bother. That was 2 weeks ago. We had agreed contact through a solicitor. She will not even allow contact on the phone. And sent me a text saying see you in court.
(JM, 7 September 2008)

A.

There are two separate issues involved here, both custody and maintenance, and together they mean you’ve been denied access to your daughter, which is a distressing situation. You don’t state how the original maintenance figure of £200 a month was reached, but since contact had been arranged through a solicitor, maintenance might have been arranged the same way.

However, if the CSA told you that you only have to pay £7 a week, it would indicate you’re making less than £200 per week – the CSA says that on incomes of that level, you pay £5 per week on the first £100 and a percentage of the second £100, which they view as a reasonable amount of your income.

What you need to do is send your ex a registered letter asking her to reinstate contact and state that you’ll have to take legal action if she doesn’t comply. By the sound of it, this won’t do the trick, but it’s a necessary legal step. After that, you need to go to court and apply for an Interim Contact Order at a Directions Hearing, which allows you contact until a full hearing on the matter. You’ll obviously need to produce evidence from the CSA regarding maintenance at the hearing, and your solicitor will have to remind the court that the full hearing would probably be more than six months away, and a lack of contact would be detrimental to your daughter.

The bad news is that your ex might demand supervised contact – but it’s better than none at all. However, if you had prior contact with your daughter, especially “staying contact” (meaning she stayed overnight with you) make sure the court is aware of that, and the circumstances in which everything changed. If previous contact arrangements had been made through the solicitor, you could ask for the enforcing of contact arrangements. Prior to the hearing inform the court and opposing solicitor that you’ll ask for interim contact and be introducing oral evidence.

That’s in the short term. Before the final hearing CAFCASS officials will interview you, your ex and your daughter regarding contact and custody, and you should produce evidence from the CSA about recommended maintenance, as well as a record of payments. If your ex continues to deny access laid down by the court, under a law coming in this autumn, she could end up being sentenced to community service.

Separation Rights for Fathers

2008-09-20T00:40:00.000-07:00

If you have a child with your partner but aren’t married, you do have rights and responsibilities. Since the new law in 2003, if you were present when the birth was registered and your name is on the birth certificate as the child’s father, your position as a parent is equal to the mothers.

That law supplemented the 1989 Children Act, which was intended to emphasise parental responsibilities over rights, and believed that arrangements which were best for the children could be made without things having to devolve into court actions. It was idealistic, and of course the reality has often proved different from the intention.

The Problems

However well-intentioned the law, it can contain some nasty surprises for you. If you weren’t married to your partner and your name isn’t on the child’s birth certificate, although you know you’re the biological father (which can often happen pre-2003), you could find you have no right to see your children unless your former partner allows it, or have any influence in their lives at all.

If your name isn’t on that birth certificate, you’ll need a Parental Responsibility Agreement. Once signed and properly filed with the court, this will give you full parental rights and responsibilities. The form itself can be downloaded from the Families Need Fathers website although it requires the signature of both you and the mother (you must both be biological parents of the child), and the child has to be living in either England or Wales for the law to apply. Of course, if your former partner won’t sign, then you’re stuck, and be forced to take the case to a hearing in court. If the mother continues to assert you’re not the father, the legal bills could become very high indeed. You’ll need to apply for a Parental Responsibility Order. The court will consider the welfare of the child, and you’ll find that an Order will be granted only if it’s better than not granting an Order at all.

Fathers’ Rights

In recent years there have been protests regarding fathers’ right in the U.K. (witness some of the antics of Fathers4Justice, for instance). However, according to government statistics, the vast majority of arrangements for contact (90%) are made informally, and in 2003, only 2% of the applications to court for contact orders were refused. In other words, in spite of the horror stories, you should have a good chance of contact, especially if your child was born after 2003, or you have yours and your former partner’s signatures on a Parental Responsibility Agreement.

Types of Orders

You should be familiar with the types of orders you’ll encounter once you’re separated. A Residence Order determines which parent the children will live with – which in most instances is the mother, although you can apply for a Residence Order (this is possibly even if you don’t have Parental Responsibility). Realistically speaking, though, don’t hold your breath. A Contact Order specifies when and under what circumstances you can see your children. The court has to consider the welfare of the children when granting, or not granting, a contact order.

A Prohibited Steps Order prevents someone (not necessarily just a person with Parental Responsibility) doing certain things with your children, such as removing them from the country.

Specific Issue Orders are drawn up to deal with particular items, where you and your former partner can’t reach agreement. They’re often requested for education and medical issues. You’ll need to use a solicitor to apply for any of these orders.

How Divorce Works For Fathers

2008-09-20T00:06:00.000-07:00

Divorce is what legally ends the marriage between you and your former partner resulting in a decree nisi and a decree absolute. It can be simple, or a lengthy, contentious process, depending on the parties involved, and how they agree to divide property and assets.

Concerning children, divorce can be equally straightforward or problematic. You will have Parental Responsibility for the children born in wedlock with your partner. You will have to pay child support, or maintenance, which can be worked out with your ex or a monthly sum mandated by the Child Support Agency, depending on your income.

Working Out Of Court

This is the easiest way, if you can reach an agreement in direct negotiation with your ex or through mediation. There’s less acrimony and generally a much better atmosphere to the proceedings and you can take the agreement to court, and it becomes legally valid if signed by the solicitors employed by you and your ex.

Be aware, however, that mothers have flouted these agreements in the past, and some will again. If so, you’ll need to obtain a court order to have them enforced, and even then those might be breached. A great deal depends on the goodwill between you and your former partner.

In Court

Some feel its better if you represent yourself in court, using someone called a “McKenzie friend,” a person familiar with experience of the legal and divorce processes. Others feel your interests will be better served by employing a solicitor to argue your case for you.

In the case of an acrimonious divorce, you might find your ex making accusations against you. You’ll need to be prepared for this. If you’ve had contact with your children before the divorce hearing, keep a parenting diary with full details of the contacts, dates, etc adding photographs if possible.

Where children are old enough to voice opinions, their wishes are taken into account by the court regarding contact and residence. Another important part of the proceedings is the CAFCASS report, where both parents, other carers, teachers and others are interviewed to reach a determination. Courts mostly follow all the recommendations of the report. However, if you’re unhappy with any part of it, you can challenge that, or even request a new report by another officer.

The tradition in contact tends to be every other weekend and half the school holidays with you, with your children spending the rest of the time with their mother. However, it’s quite possible to suggest other arrangements, especially if that’s what your children desire. Joint residency, for example, is a relatively new concept here, but one which is widely practiced in Europe and gaining traction in America.

Things You Should Do

Keep up your maintenance payments, making them on time and in full. This shows responsibility to your children and eliminates at least one legal hold your ex might have over you. If unemployment or other factors make payment impossible, keep full records and present them to the court.

If possible, create a co-parenting plan with your ex. This can help head off any future problems and means you really are putting your children first.

Never use your kids to pass messages to your former partner. Keep them above the problems you two have.

Dealing with the Challenges of Parenting Teenagers

2008-09-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

When you're a teenager, you have a tough time but when you're the parent of a teenager it seems so much worse. Having children who are big enough to take care of themselves may sound great until you consider the tantrums, the back talk and a million and one other things associated with teenagers. So what exactly can a parent do?

The first thing that parents of teenagers need to remember is: hormones, the struggle for independence and autonomy, couple with peer pressure and coupled with the fear of the future and their own inadequacies can send a teenager into a situation where they exhibit a behavior that is seemingly antisocial. The emotions of teenagers are subject to volatility and this volatility is usually expressed when they find people who they can easily vent to. The main thing is that parents should understand what their teenagers are going through but you shouldn't just allow them get away with everything.

One way that a parent can help their teenagers cope with the road to adulthood is by getting to know them. Experts tend to agree that taking the time out to be a companion to your teenagers and knowing them for who they are can easily foster a relationship of love and respect that can last for a number of years. Teens may not really like it when their parents intrude on their privacy but they like it when their parents show an interest in what is important to them at this particular stage of their life and development.

You should monitor the activities of your children and their friends at a distance. You should look out for any danger signs that may signify trouble such as a drop in grades, weight change, and terrible changes in sleeping patterns, depression or isolation. These things may all be strong signs of depression, drug use or disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.

When it comes to discipline, the teenage years can be fraught with power struggles between teenagers and the adults who rule the home. This is especially difficult especially when these teenagers think they're adults already. It is also important to encourage your teenagers to strive for a greater sense of emotional and physical independence but they should also understand that wayward behavior comes with consequences. You should stand strong with your teenagers in order to make their growing children understand who is in charge for the moment. A time will come for them to be on their own and make their own decisions but it isn't just the time yet.

These are just a few suggestions that could help you build a better parent and child relationship with your teenager during times that are rough and difficult to handle.

Remain Calm

Regardless of whether you're enforcing discipline or you're talking about a touchy subject, you should make sure that you use a neutral tone to tell your child who is charge. Calmness is also contagious too.

Focus On Your Child

Children and most especially teenagers need to know and understand that you're really listening to their own point of view and that you care about how they think and how they feel. You should focus on their interests even if they don't particularly interest you, listen and give praise when you feel they deserve it.

Be Straightforward with Your Expectations

Teens don't tend to respond well to any hints or suggestions. If you want your teenager to take out the garbage, you should tell them so directly.

Show Teenagers Respect

Remember to say please and thank you. When you speak kindly your children are bound to do the same too.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

The Ultimate Survival Guide for the Single Father

2008-09-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

The ultimate survival guide for the single father would have advice for every conceivable situation. Such a guide would need to contain far more what I can cover in this article. For that reason, this article will focus on techniques that can help a single father to survive a specific seasonal event.

A single father often finds that he becomes most depressed during the holiday season. While the joy of Christmas giving seems to have filled everyone else's heart, the single father feels lost and alone. He frequently struggles to display a cheery attitude when his children arrive for a visit.

How can a single father best survive the demands and emotions that fill so much of the holiday season? How can he survive the onslaught of feelings that limit a single father's ability to show forth the expected holiday spirit?

A single man wants to do more than just endure the holidays. In order to derive pleasure from the holiday season, the single father needs to develop a plan. What should be incorporated into such a plan?

First, a single father should plan to spend the holidays in the company of friends or family. A single father usually gets to spend some time with his children during the holiday season. While the single father can anticipate company during a portion of the holidays, that companionship could leave him feeling even lonelier after the holidays.

A single father might want to identify events of interest that he could attend before or after the arrival of his children. A man can not easily feel alone, when he is with people with whom he has a shared interest. He generally finds that the time passes more quickly, when he is in the company of others.

Sometimes a single father might hesitate to attend any event during the holidays. He might feel out of place at such an event, unable to display the joy and enthusiasm coming from others at the same event. A man, who avoids social events because he feels guilty about his loneliness, will only feed that loneliness. The single father must get rid of all feelings of guilt.

Even with a decent social schedule, a single father can still have some empty time, especially during the holiday season. The wise single father searches for a volunteer activity in which to become involved. By making an effort to help others, a single father finds little time to consider how his life might be improved, if he could again become a happily married man.

Still the single father does not need to feel obligated to think only about others throughout the holiday season. In fact, a single father who seeks to please his own whims does his family a favor. The children of a single father want their father to be healthy and happy. They welcome any effort by him to acquire a more optimistic outlook on life.

During the season of joy, a single father should work on developing joyfulness. When someone is joyful, they can still have a certain amount of sadness. Yet such sadness comes from an outer influence. When a man has learned to be joyful, then he has tapped into an inner happiness.

Joyfulness should be viewed as a sign of strength. The joyful single father can offer his children a feeling of joy, even when he is a bit troubled. His children will then work closely with him to perpetuate situations that aid his "survival." They will realize that his survival represents what they need most.

Desiring such survival, the man's children can create a workable "survival guide."

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

Balancing Career and Family as a Single Father

2008-09-19T23:58:00.000-07:00

The single father normally feels torn between his commitment to his job and his commitment to his family. The single father should not feel like he alone has failed to determine where he should direct his energy. Every single father has had that problem, at some time during his life.

Single fathers the world over share their longing for resolution of this issue, this "pull" in two different directions. The single fathers reading this article ought to hear the story of a man who lived in Iran, having started a family in the first half of the 20 th Century.

Now this man did not divorce his wife. He and his wife enjoyed each others company, and they enjoyed their children. Unfortunately they lived in a small village. Their village, one typical of small towns in post-war Iran, did not have the conveniences we enjoy today.

The wife contracted some sort of infectious disease. Because the village lacked adequate medical care, the woman, only one year away from her most recent pregnancy, died. The man became a single father, a father responsible for feeding and clothing sons and daughters, while also striving to earn a living.

At that time in history, with the world just coming out of the Second World War, almost everything was in scarce supply. Even bread could be difficult to obtain. Imagine being a single father in that situation.

The father finally decided to take his children to the home of his parents. They lived there for two years, while the father took a job in the oil fields. By pursuing that arrangement, the single father managed to save up enough money for a home. He returned for his children, and he took them to their new home.

Now did that action delay the education and development of the man's children? No, it did not. His children have finished school; they have married, and they have their own careers and their own families. A discussion with one of those children does not yield any comment about the wisdom of the father's decision.

The role of a single parent is a difficult role to fill. The single father normally lacks much preparation for the demands that are placed upon him—the need to do housekeeping chores while also holding down a full time job. Unless a man has found a way to work at home, he is apt to struggle, torn between his career and his family.

The man in the above story chose to leave his children with his parents for a brief time, while he tried to build up his own finances. A single father might want to think about moving closer to parents, so that the children's grandparents did not need to saddle the full responsibility of caring for them. A single father could also build a shelter for his parents, if they seemed eager to live closer to their grandchildren.

If a man is a good worker he can use that fact to negotiate with his employer. He might, for example tell his employer that if he can not receive either more free time or a larger salary, he will need to look for another job. The single father should have a job in mind, one that he can mention to his employer, leaving the impression that he is quite eager to try that new job.

If an employer wants to retain a good employee (such as a hard-working single father), that employer generally seeks to address the complaint mentioned by the single father. The employer should then offer options to the man who feels torn between his job and his family.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

Society and Single Father Families

2008-09-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

The outlook of society governs much of our lives. On October 16, 2007, one national TV station included in the evening's world news some information about Dictionary Day. That report underlined the degree to which the thinking of society can change things that one once considered unchangeable.

The report looked at how the dictionary now chooses to accept two spellings for certain words. The dictionary has made this sudden change, because it has analyzed spellings on blogs and other public announcements. It found that in some cases close to 50% of the public used a spelling other than the former dictionary spelling

Why does this article about society and single father families begin with information about Dictionary Day? Because the spelling changes announced on Dictionary Day make clear the influence of norms in society. Unfortunately, a single father family falls far outside of the norms in our society.

According to an article in Teen Magazine, an article on "Alternative Families," 71.6% of children aged 18 and under lives with two parents. That figure includes both those children who live with both natural parents and those who live with one natural parent and one step parent.

Among children who live with a single parent, 24.2% live with their mother. Only 3.4% of children live with a single father. Single fathers might want to hide those statistics from their children, since children like to feel that they are part of the larger group. Children do not like to feel "different."

Sometimes parents can motivate a child to strive to be like everyone else. Some parents make it clear that they want their children to be "normal." What parents usually can not do is to formulate a precise definition of "normal."

In the summer of 1969, one worried mother asked her daughter's doctor if her daughter would be "normal." The doctor said, "What is normal. She will have a full and useful life."

A single father might want to concentrate on that phrase: "a full and useful life." A single father can certainly strive to give his children a full and useful life. If children feel a part of the family's full schedule, and if they work with other family members to contribute to society, then they will feel a part of society.

A single father must demonstrate to his family the value of contributing to society. When someone can contribute to society, few people are going to care about that person's family life. For the average individual, his or her place in society can not be determined by whether or not he or she lives within a family structure that mimics the family structure of a majority of other families.

Too often society has placed the entire burden of child rearing on parents. This has handed single parents a particular challenge. Some single fathers have chosen to rely heavily on their own parents. There is really no reason why all members of society can not contribute to the development of all children.

In my own home town, one candidate for the school board wants to reach out to adults who do not have children in the local schools. I have interviewed this candidate. I think that he has made a good point, a point that could show society how to better assist single fathers.

When a man's wife is gravely ill, friends and neighbors often lend a hand, making him dinner, or doing other tasks for him. What about the single father? Doesn't he too deserve some extra help? He does, and I hope that society soon takes that fact into consideration.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

Research on Single Father's Custody Rights

2008-09-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

In researching a single father's custody rights, a man quickly learns that his state of residence governs the ultimate outcome. Every state has different rules regarding custody rights for the single parent. Still, there are other contributing factors, and a single father should keep those factors in mind.

Today, some parents sign a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA) at the time of the divorce. The legal weight of that document depends on its relation to the divorce decree. If it was incorporated into the divorce decree, then the stipulations in the MSA hold a good deal of legal power.

A single father does not always seek full custody of a child. Sometimes he just wants the child for part of the year. He might, for example want to have a child during the school year, with his ex-wife taking care of the child during the summer. One devout Muslim once asked for custody of his child each year during Ramadan.

No request for any form of custody should look like an effort to reduce the level of financial support that the father is offering a child. A single father must make clear to the court that the request for custody has been made in order to increase the number of benefits available to the child. A single father strengthens his position in the eyes of the court, if he agrees to help with transporting the child to and from the home of his ex-wife.

During a request for custody, the court will want to know about any close ties that a father's son or daughter has to the people in the neighborhood, or the people with whom the family comes in contact. Do the children attend religious services while with their father? If so, get proof of that in writing from someone at the place of worship.

Does the father take his children to soccer games or Little League games? Get a statement to that effect from one of the coaches. Does the father take a daughter to dance lessons or to skating lessons; does he pick her up after her drill practice at school? The teachers or drill instructor should be asked to provide written proof that the single father has carried out those responsibilities.

The single father should not plan to launch an all-out campaign for full and final custody of the children. If courts see that a single father does not want to share his children with his ex-wife, they are more apt to award full custody to the children's mother.

The single father needs to pay attention to the wording of his custody request. A single father who says flat out, "I want custody," is less apt to get custody than a single father who says, "I want to spend more time with my children."

Finally, the single father should consider ways to strengthen his request for custody. Sometimes a single father can benefit from having a record of statements made by his ex-wife. A single father might want to purchase an answering machine and a cell phone. In that way the father can record many of the phone calls made by his ex-wife.

If a single father does take that step, then he must be sure to consult with a lawyer before giving any recordings to the court. A lawyer will know best just how a court might view something on the taped statements. Something that the single father views as a point in favor of his request might be seen by the court as evidence that the single father should improve his child care techniques before being given the desired custody.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a Partner

2008-09-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

When a single father becomes in charge of his children, he does not get a book telling him what to expect at any point during each child's development. Mothers are apt to be more familiar with the developmental stages of children. Still, single fathers need to realize that knowing about the stages of child development does not always guarantee a readiness to deal with those stages.

Single fathers want to proceed with child rearing in a manner that exudes calm and wisdom. That of course is not always possible. A single father can not easily remain calm when his child is throwing breakable items in a grocery store. A single father does not suddenly get the Wisdom of Solomon the moment that his son or daughter decides to tell a friend that there is no Santa Clause and no tooth fairy either.

Gregory Keer, a single father and writer has struggled to stay calm and to find wisdom during the above-mentioned crises. He has advised single fathers against putting too much emphasis on the importance of such qualities. After all, a child's greatest need is love.

A child needs to feel wanted. A child needs to feel cared for. A child needs to feel loved for being the type of person that he or she is. The single father must make clear to each child that he loves that child. The single father should display the manner in which each child fills a special place in the father's life.

A display of love does not require the giving of countless gifts. A display of love involves the giving of kisses, hugs and cuddles. Single fathers need to understand what experts have learned about such displays of love.

One study group chose to focus on a group of 379 kindergarten children. The study group followed those children for 36 years. The study group examined the influence of many different factors, factors that contribute to adult social adjustment. The group found that displays of love, more than any other factor, aided the development of adult social skills.

When children receive love from their parents, they grow up to be loving parents. They know how to show love to a spouse. They do not shy away from developing close friendships. They derive pleasure from both their home life and from activities in which they take part outside of the home.

While a single father faces can not expect much luck with finding a book that offers the dos and don'ts for a man such as himself, a single father can find some advice by reading magazines that target teenagers. One issue of Teen Magazine had an article on "Alternative Families."

One teenager wrote about her father. This is what she said: "I have a bedroom at my dad's but I stay at my mom's more—it's closer to everything. Some people see their dads only on weekends. I see mine every day. He drives me to school each morning. He comes to my drill team performances. Although he doesn't live with me, he's there for me."

At the close of this essay by the teenager, one reads more about the importance of love. The young girl writes this: "Everybody in my family is there for each other; we just don't live in the same house. I feel they are the people who love me and care about me, and we can always turn to each other."

A display of love to children guarantees a show of love from children. A single father can enjoy such love.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

Dating Strategies for the Single Father

2008-09-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

All dates have one common characteristic. All dates involve a sharing of time by two

People, most often a man and a woman. During that interval, the couple shares more than time. Each member of the couple shares information that can reveal his or her true character.

How does a single father manage to meet a variety of women, thus widening the circle from which he might select a date? A single father needs to open his eyes to the women who are around in any setting. If a single father is devoted to his children, then his activities should increase his chances for meeting a potential dating partner.

Suppose, for example, that a single father must make a weekly trip to the local laundromat. Such a trip might easily be viewed as a sacrificial effort, a giving of time that could be spent watching a good ball game. A single father needs to accept the fact that no man met a potential date while sitting at home, in front of the TV.

In fact, a laundromat can be a good place to meet a potential date. Many women come and go during the time that a man spends at any laundromat. A single father should consider ways to strike up a conversation with a woman who appears friendly and attractive.

Now if you are a single father with a working washer and dryer please do not go to those machines and put them out of commission. There are other ways for a single father to meet a potential date. Both men and women go to health clubs. Join a health club and arrange to go there at a convenient time, maybe on the way to work, or on the way home from work.

Not all men relish going to a health club. Some men would prefer to read. If such a man is a single father, he should not feel like he will never meet a potential date. Women also like to read. Bookstores are a good place to meet a potential date. Today, many bookstores have a small café inside the store. The booklovers can get to know each other at that small café.

A single father should not hesitate to be himself. He should feel free to pursue those things that interest him. In that way he is more apt to find a partner who shares at least one of his interests.

Suppose a single father suddenly finds himself without a job. Is that the end of the world? It doesn't have to be. Perhaps fate will allow him to meet a jobless female with a similar background. Then maybe the two of them could join forces in the hunt for a new source of employment.

One bachelor in New Mexico almost snagged a girl by helping her look for a job. He and she had some very strange "dates." They worked together to convince the head of one research laboratory that they had the skills he wanted to see in a new hire.

A single father has an advantage over a bachelor A single father appreciates the benefits of companionship. Unlike the bachelor, a single father is not eager to "enjoy the single life."

The bachelor who worked closely with a young woman did not capitalize on his many unique dates. He did a poor job of taking advantage of several opportunities. A single father could have used his chances to great advantage. A single father might well have welcomed the day to day chance to interact with a woman with whom he had something in common.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

What Sort of Parent Are You?

2008-09-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

Your style of parenting can really and truly affect the type of adult that your child ends up becoming. If you handle a child too strictly, they will end up being too complaint and submissive and have little self-esteem too. They will play the victim through their entire lives. If you're too permissive and allow a child to get away with everything you may hamper the ability of your child to accept authority figures and understand that people have consequences for acting one particular way or the other. Children who act out when they don't get their own way may become more aggressive later on in life when they become adults.

Children who are brought up in a democratic setting tend to accept their personal responsibility because they are allowed to make certain decisions on their own and accept the consequences of their actions but they are also expected to behave respectfully too. Democratic parenting gives choices that are based on the abilities of a child but they do not affect the parents' right to intervene when a child makes a bad decision.

This is a review of the three main styles of parenting:

Authoritative Parenting.

This sort of parent will inform their children when they want things done and these children are meant to comply without questions. Children are not allowed to have independent minds under such authority and should comply without questioning whatever they are told.

Permissive Parenting.

This sort of parenting allows children to get away with anything that they come up with. Children of permissive parents are usually allowed to run about freely with little direction and no consequences to their actions at all. Such children tend to think that the entire world revolves around what they want and what they need.

Democratic Parenting.

Democratic parenting tends to accommodate the best parts of the styles above in order to create a parenting style that is well-rounded and acceptable. Democratic parents tend to require good behavior but they acknowledge that their children tend to have their likes as well as dislikes and views about the world at large. They allow these children to voice an opinion as long as they do it properly. These children tend to maintain the upper hand with any decision making.

Children who are brought up with such methods are usually solid thinkers who tend to take control of their own lives without falling victim to spouses or employers who are overtly aggressive. They are also perfectly willing to take any responsibilities for their actions whether these are good or bad consequences.

Your style of parenting can have a drastic effect on the way that children see themselves as well as their place in the world and the future as well. You should take the time out to understand the temperament that you child has and yours before you choose a style or a mixture of styles that will work best for you and your children's education. In the end they will be all the better for it.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

How to Be a Good Stepparent

2008-09-19T23:31:00.000-07:00

If you're trying to be a good stepparent the chances are that the odds aren't in your favor. Even the fairytales are weighted against you when you think of evil stepparents in stories like Cinderella and a host of other tales. It really doesn't matter if it was death or divorce that made your partner single again; your step kids are going to look at you as an outsider imposing on their turf.

Trying to build a bond of love and respect under such circumstances is possible. Experts agree that as long as you acknowledge that you are a stepparent and your role is different from that of a biological parent in the beginning, you can cope easily.

Statistics have shown that 6 out of every 10 marriages that have stepchildren are bound to fail. Most of the time this is due to the inability of a couple to turn their children into a proper family.

Being a stepparent may be a tricky thing. The job you have as a parent is essentially the same. You are trying to teach all your children how to become responsible and become loving and caring adults later on in life. The trick to accomplishing the role of a stepparent may be done by following the tips below:

Acknowledging the Children's Feelings of Loss.

The reasons for the existence of your new family are unimportant. Children require a time to grieve for the loss of a unit of their family and come to terms with a new addition.

Don't Expect Love at First Sight

You may wish that you can fall in love with your stepchildren easily and get them to fall in love with you that easily too. Just because you fell in love with their own parents doesn't mean that the same will happen between you and them. Building such relationships tend to take time. Learn to show respect for any feelings they have or doubts and respect yours as well.

Setting Ground Rules

Regardless of if your stepchildren stay with you or not, you should have ground rules that regard discipline, punishment and respecting your spouse properly. You should learn the limits that you have when considering any problems that present themselves with children. You should also have certain expectations when it comes to ex-spouses. You need to let these children understand that you are considering their thoughts and feelings too. When it comes to the time for discipline you should allow the biological parent take the lead when possible. Children tend to accept it better this way.

Get to Know One Another

You should take the time out to get to know your stepchildren better. A unique arrangement by virtue of marriage allows you to be more of a friend than a parent especially when your spouse isn't the one with the custody of the children. Make sure that you use this to your advantage and have as much fun as you can.

Keep a Sense of Humor

Humor is wonderful in order to help with the release of tension. It also helps in the building of intimacy and the keeping of everything in perspective. Humor may not necessarily solve your entire problems but it may help you survive these problems.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

Coping with being a Single Parent after a Divorce

2008-09-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

You knew how to parent your children when you were a couple but how do you handle the stress in the middle of a divorce. You should come up with new rules for your little children. You should reestablish the priorities of your family and ease up on the discipline until your children have gotten through the stress of your family breaking up.

Whether you're the parent who one custody or the parent who didn't get custody and is feeling guilty and knows what their children need and is unable to offer it to them, your job as a parent may look much harder after a separation than it is in the beginning. Your life has changed and the way you parent will as well.

Divorced parents tend to ease up on the discipline during difficult times and believe that this strategy helps their children cope better with the situation. Some experts agree that you should ease up on the discipline but not entirely. Undue leniency during the period of a divorce may easily lead to a situation where a child develops unwanted behaviors. Divorce tends to be hard on children and can easily lead to hurt, fear and instability. The best way of getting your children through these changes is to try and remain as predictable as you can in regards to your expectation, discipline and punishment.

So many things can change in your lives during the period of a divorce but they need to understand that the rules and consequences for these rules remain the same.

If your parenting styles before the divorce were a part of your marital conflict then you may be ready to adopt a new style. When change is at hand you should be as clear and as firm as possible regarding the new rules when these children are with you. Remember that you have to be fair, understanding, patient and gentle. It should take sometime for your children to get used to your own style of parenting. When you are firm it means an entirely new style of parenting and not that you have to overbearing.

These are a few tips that can easily get you through the beginning stages of your life when you are a divorced parent.

Consistency and Dependability

Your kids need to know what you expect and what to expect if they stray from the right paths. Your children depend on you to make them safe. You should take the opportunity to assure them that they are your utmost priority.

Learn to Forgive

It's hard for you to forget how you got to the stage of getting a divorce but you should find a way to forgive your spouse for any role that they played in your divorce. Never speak ill about your ex where your children are.

Stay Honest With Your Children

When you are disappointed that your life is taking a new direction share your grief a little but make sure that your children understand that everything will work out great. You should make them a part of everything from choosing your new home to making changes to your existing one in order to reduce the emptiness that you feel with the departure of your spouse.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

Parenting Strategies for Single Parents

2008-09-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

Single parenting comes with is own fair share of struggles and challenges. It also tends to come with its own rewards as well. If you're the only one available to make decisions for your child it may seem very overwhelming at certain times especially when it concerns discipline. On the other hand it tends to create an unbreakable bond between children and their parents.

If you're looking for better ways to cope with your single parent situation, try to remember these very important tips.

Stop Being too Hard on Yourself – No one is Mr. Perfect and you can't do it all on your own. Learn how to be kind to yourself and be understanding. You should also learn how to make mistakes and learn from these mistakes as well.

Take Care of Yourself – Make sure you see a doctor on a regular basis and get the required sleep that you need. Make sure you also eat meals that are healthy and properly balanced. You should get as much rest as you can and take activities that are important in order to relieve your stress. Your children can't be properly taken care of until you feel absolutely well yourself.

Look For Help When You Need It – Whether the help you need comes from your family or whether it comes from your friends, you should know that it is something that everyone needs. Single parents need to overcome the need to do everything on their own. If you feel overwhelmed and tired you can simply ask another mom whom you know to take your children out for a while so you can rest. You should also offer to reciprocate whenever they need a break. If you have no idea how to handle smart mouthed teen, you should take some time out to ask necessary questions.

Be the Best But Don't Expect Perfection – No perfect dual families exist. If two people can't do it successful it won't be that easy on your own. Nobody is perfect and not everyone can be a perfect model parent. Learn to accept the limitations that you have as well as your imperfections and handle them.

Get a Routine - Children require flexibility and a routine in order to feel safe. One way that you can provide these feelings that they need is by setting up a routine or a schedule. You should do simple things like reading before you go to sleep or taking walks in the park on a Sunday afternoon, always give your children something that they can rely on and look forward to.

Slow Down – Life is hectic and it is important for you to sit down and think of what is important for you and your children and put everything else on the shelf. Make sure that you have some quiet time that all of you can enjoy together. Whether this is about reading together, watching sitcoms or eating a meal together.

Forgive – If you can't forget why you became a single parent you should learn to forgive your child's other parent. If you can't do it alone get the help of a counselor who can help you work through things.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

The Good that Discipline Can Do

2008-09-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

Taking a strong stand isn't a bad thing for parents to try and learn. Kids need discipline because it teaches them what acceptable behavior is and what it isn't. At certain times punishment may be necessary in order to impart what consequences are all about to children. However you should make sure that this discipline is kept short and you should respect the feelings of you child too. If you want to be strict it doesn't mean that you have to abuse or belittle your child. It's all about taking the lead so you teach your children how to behave in a proper, respectful and appropriate manner.

Too many parents have the fear that they may crush the spirit of a child or overwhelm them by placing too many limits on them. When they do this they refrain from discipline and the adverse effects lead to uncontrollable and disrespectful children later on in life.

Children need limits and they want them too. It makes them feel safe and loved at the same time. Children haven't yet understood how to control their urges and their desires and they need their parents as guides in order to know what is okay and what isn't. Discipline isn't just about creating well-behaved children; it's about creating children who are well-rounded and emotionally healthy as well.

Selecting the best form of discipline may be the toughest thing that a parent has to do. Each child is a different person and while time-outs may be suitable for some children, an appropriate amount of smacking may do well to get your point across. In order to deal with the discipline issues in your home you might want to follow through with these simple child development tips.

Respecting the Stage of Development of a Child

If you know why your toddler continues to play in the bathroom when you've told them not to several times, it may help you cope better with frustration and understand if your child is just being defiant or learning to explore the world in a way that is normal and natural.

Match Discipline to a Child's Level of Development

Toddlers can be diverted without much ado but older children may require a time out or some other type of discipline in order to get them to stop whatever it is that they're doing. You should try to learn what works best with a particular child's state of development so that you can get the best results.

Select Discipline that Matches the Child

Never use the same form of discipline with every child. Some children require a harsher form of discipline that other people. What will work for some people will not necessarily work for others.

A Great Role Model

If your child sees you losing your temper when you fail to get your own way, they'll pick up on the same thing too. Teach your children how they can handle frustration and disappointment by being a better role model.

Show Children Love and Tenderness

When discipline is over it is always good to hug your child and reinforce the fact that you care about them even when they disobey you. It can be very comforting to know that you are important to your parents even when you mess up.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

The Dangers of Hovering around Your Children

2008-09-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

Parents who hover are an easily recognizable thing. Think of the mom at the playground who won't let her children go down the slide. Think of your next door neighbor who drives her children to school, because she's scared that the school bus may get into an accident. Think of the Dad at the local Boy Scouts who won't allow his son practice knot-tying because he's scared that the child may accidentally strangle himself with rope.

In order to protect your children from the existing dangers that exist in the world today, you have to recognize the different between protection and being over-bearing. It becomes dangerous to a child's sense of well-being and their ability to make decisions and be responsible. It also affects the ability of these children to socialize with people within their peer group and handle any encounters or physical dangers that they may face.

When you are overprotective it can easily sap the confidence of your child without you getting to realize it. When you hover it prevents your children from experiencing the challenges and successes that children need to experience in order for them to grow into stronger and confident adults prepared to face the world. It is painful when your child is the only person who isn't invited to a party but rather than confronting the other parent and making it a compulsory matter, you should teach your child how to handle disappointment in life.

The term "helicopter parent" is becoming all the more prevalent on today's college campuses. Many baby boomer tend to find themselves interfering with the lives of their children in every single way possible bothering everyone from room mates to professors down to prospective employers. This may sound like something out of a book but you'll hear of many parents attending interviews with college graduates and calling prospective employers to learn why their children didn't get a particular job.

Being involved in the life of your child is a good thing, but running all the aspects of the life of your child is something else entirely. One author Mel Levin was parents especially those who he feels are trying to create children that will be unable to handle the travails of life now and in the future.

How do you know when you're going too far as a parent? These are some simple signs that you may be turning into a helicopter parent.

When you find yourself interfering too much with your children when they are playing. Small children may do different things in order to get their own way; they will fight push, kick and scratch. This is a way that they learn what make ups acceptable social behavior and what doesn't.

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Whenever you're constantly trying to fix the hurt feelings of your child you may be coming overbearing. No one can be completely happy all the time. You should no when to step in and when not to. A lot of disappointments occur in life and the sooner that your children cope with these disappointments the better for them and for you. Teach them how to handle their disappointments in a more productive way.
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When you're always in contact with your child you may be turning into an overbearing parent. It's perfectly normal to want to know where your children are but when you feel the need to contact them on their phone several times a day, then it may be going too far. Let your children handle their own schedules on their own and deal with the consequences whenever they fail to comply with things like remembering their own homework.
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If you feel terrible with yourself whenever your child doesn't succeed then you have a problem. Your sense of self worth shouldn't be based on the success of your child.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

Getting Children to Listen When You Need Them To

2008-09-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

Studies have shown that if you take the time out to listen to your children and talk to them for about a quarter of an hour every day, you can open up channels of communication that will end up lasting a whole lifetime. This will be a lifesaver during the difficult teenage years.

Getting to communicate with your children isn't that difficult but it takes a fair amount of patience understanding and practice as well. Depending on how old your child is, they may be perfectly willing to share details with you about their personal lives and the friends that they keep. Children who are in preschool and elementary school love to give their parents a detailed report of activities they enjoy with their friends. You should this eagerness that they have in their youth to set a stage for the future.

When children grown up, the eagerness they have to share their thoughts and feelings reduce. Getting information about what happened in school becomes subject to grunts and shrugs with plenty of "nothings" in between. This may seem rather normal at this point in their development but it doesn't mean that you should give up on trying discussing the life of your child. They need a connection although their bid for independence is affecting their need to create a stronger bond with you.

In order to build better communication with your child, you have to learn when to listen and when to talk, so your child feels comfortable with you. How is this achieved? Many experts offer these tips.

Remained Informed about School

You should try to know what is going on in school. You should try to attend teacher-parent meetings, read the school newsletter and ensure that you remain in contact with other parents as well. This shows your child that you care about where they spend most of their time. You will also be able to cope with the changes and issues that occur with your children and the school as well.

Give Children Space

Sometimes after you like to drive downtown after work, your kids love their own space too. Don't plague your children with questions as soon as they get into the door. You should take some time later maybe when you're preparing dinner or something else to chat about the day of your child.

Share Your Day with the Kids

If you're the one always asking questions, your children can easily feel that they are being interrogated. Learn to share funny stories about your frustrations or your day. Ask your children if they have had a similar experience lately as well.

Ask Open Questions

If you ask yes/no questions you'll get back answers in monologue. Try to ask open ended questions which will show children that you're really more interested in learning more about their lives.

Give Full Attention

When you sit down to talk with your child you should make sure that you really listen. Take the time out to read between the lines and observe body language. Make it a point as well to take an interest in whatever your child is talking about even if they talk about something in which you have little interest in.

Stay Encouraging

Make sure that you lean forward and make eye contact when you can. You should show support both verbally and non-verbally as well. You should encourage your child able to share their dreams, problems and aspirations with you.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

How to Adjust to Life as a Single Father

2008-09-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

When a child begins school he or she must learn to deal with the demands of a new environment. The child who can take advantage of the skills that he or she has is most apt to succeed in school. When man suddenly becomes a single father, he too is thrown into a new environment. He must make use of the skills that he has, especially the skills that will most benefit his children.

The single father should keep in mind the needs of his children. Every child seeks certain qualities in a parent. The single father must concentrate on providing his children with those qualities that he finds most able to develop fully.

A child seeks security. A single father must work to emphasize his readiness to provide his children with security. The single father might want to channel his discipline so as to highlight how any type of discipline can make his children feel more secure.

Sometimes a single father wants to feel securely in demand. He might thus consider using a rather aggressive discipline tactic. That was what happened to Gregory Keer, a writer for L.A. Parent Magazine.

Keer could remember the characters in Dickens' novels. Keer thought that he would try to copy the discipline technique used by one character. One day he grabbed one of his children by the collar and growled at him with a cockney accent. Keer has reported that this technique did not bring him the behavior he had wanted. In fact, Keer has written that his children actually laughed at him.

A child needs protection and confidence. A single father should appreciate a child's desire for protection. A single father must couch his advice in terms that underline his desire to provide protection. He must use that display of protection to give his children a feeling of confidence.

A child needs a feeling of belonging. The single father must make sure that each child feels that he or she belongs in the family. If the father has only one daughter, he must try to avoid doing only things that interest men and boys. Both boys and girls like animals; a single father might plan to take his children to the zoo.

A single father on a budget might want to try a trick used by an uncle in Los Angeles County. He used to spend time with a niece and nephew. This uncle had to entertain his niece and nephew while also entertaining his own two sons. The uncle would take the children to a car dealership and act like he was interested in buying a new car. The five of them would then get a demonstration ride in the dealership's most impressive vehicle.

When the uncle had a birthday party for his younger son, he of course invited his niece and nephew. The uncle's spouse did not want the niece to be without any female companionship at the party, and so she invited the daughter of a co-worker. Unfortunately, the invited daughter got sick on the day of the party, and so the niece was the lone girl at that party.

A single father can learn from that experience. A single father should try to be ready for such "emergencies." Maybe a single father could use such an "emergency" as an excuse to telephone a single mother with a daughter.

In addition to the items mentioned above, children also need role models. A father can be a good role model for both daughters and sons. Today many women work outside of the home. Even women who stay at home often choose to become involved in some organization, such as the PTA. A young girl can thus learn important skills from her father.

Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com

Rights of Children

2008-09-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.
July, 2001

Children have the right to:

1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.

2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.

3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided for.

4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parents' residences.

5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.

7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.

8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.

9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)

10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent's special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).

11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.

12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.

13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.

14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.

15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.

16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)

17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.

18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.

19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of anyone.

20. Be exposed to both parents' religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.

21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent's set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.)

22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.

23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.

24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent's home or asked to spy in the other parent's home.

25. Own pictures of both parents.

26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).

Staying Involved in the Life of Your Child

2008-09-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Vince Regan
December, 2001

This article is designed to give you some practical tips on remaining involved in your kids' life as you adjust to a new, and often very difficult lifestyle.

When custody disputes result in one parent seeing their child only every other weekend and one night a week (or less!) it can seem like an insurmountable adjustment. I've known single parents who have felt that it just might be best if they quietly disappear from their child's life - somehow thinking they are going to be doing the child a favor (you won't be). I've known single parents who have felt replaced because their ex now has a new love interest who may or may not be attempting to fill the role you once held (no one can replace your role as mom or dad to your child).

This adjustment, to being a visitor in your kids' life, is among the most difficult aspects of being a non-custodial parent. Before going further let's get rid of the political correctness that has so absorbed our culture today. Re-read the first sentence in this paragraph. It incenses many people that parents are referred to as visitors and the more socially acceptable term for many is "parenting time." I can write a separate article on why you should be incensed that the term "parenting time" is being used when the reality is visitation. When I write it I'll add a link to it. For now, suffice it to say this article discusses a new role in your child's life - a role where you don't see them as often as you were able previously.

Some of the ideas here are age dependant. They are in no particular order. You can do many of them when the kids aren't with you-to let them know you are thinking of them and love them. Note that your court order might, unfortunately, bar some of the ideas mentioned. Also note, it makes no difference whether you are the mom or dad, all of these ideas work for any parent who doesn't spend as much time with their kids as they would like.

1. Make your time together fun. I know some disagree with this line of advice and there are often charges of being a Disneyland parent-but it surely beats a miserable time together and those who level the Disneyland parent charges haven't likely tried to "just hang out" with two, three of four young kids in a cramped apartment for 48 hours. I'm not saying the activities you choose have to be expensive. I used to have this fun method of letting the kids pick the activities we would do. And they could be items that didn't cost a cent like: going to the park, taking a hike in the woods, sledding, packing a picnic lunch, etc...to ones that had a small cost like getting an ice cream cone, renting a video, or going to the zoo. Part of the fun is how you set it up. We had a list of about 50 activities like those mentioned above and posted it on the refrigerator. Each was numbered and we had a jar with the numbers written on slips of paper. I'd try to allow the child (I had four at the time) who had something special happening in their life-maybe making the honor roll, just doing well on a special class project, etc... be the one to pick from the jar. Whatever they picked-zoo, picnic, visit to the dairy queen, etc... we did it, right then. It was important to have the list on the refrigerator for a couple reasons-it was a visual reminder to them of the fun things we could do and it was hung up at dad's apartment-meaning fun things could be done with dad.

2. Write to them. I used to get small boxes of self-mailing postcards from the post office or Hallmark store. I'd sit down during lunch or after getting to a hotel at night (I used to travel often when working) and jot down a note telling them about my day, or asking about theirs, talking about what we might do the next time we got together, or wishing them luck on their upcoming test, project, or event. Just the mere writing and mailing of the cards helped me feel much better-and my kids grew to love getting them.

3. E-mail or instant message them. In today's world there are more ways than ever to keep in touch. Using e-mail and instant messaging is one of those new ways that is often convenient for everyone involved. I wouldn't consider this in lieu of sending regular postal letters or postcards (it's often nice for a kid to get mail and have that item to open and hold onto), but in addition to other methods of communication. It's also worth mentioning that sometimes, unfortunately, the other parent can be unnecessarily intercepting, or defeating, other forms of communication by not providing mail to the kids or not allowing them on the phone, etc... .If your child has an email account or instant message account this is often a way around the meddling of the other parent. (Note that there are some circumstances where I'd advocate that the other parent does meddle-so I cannot condemn those who do without knowing more. But the majority of the cases I have seen involve the meddling only as a means of vindictiveness/control and not out of a genuine safety concern for the child.)

4. Extra-curricular Activities. If they are into sports or other extra-curricular activities there are numerous ways to get involved. From Cub Scouts/Girl Scouts to piano lessons or Karate Class, you can get involved. Offering to be the mode of transportation to and from practices or games might be welcomed by the ex and allows you to get extra time with your child and exposure to his or her friends at the same time. Most sports teams and other activities benefit from involved parents. You might volunteer to be a Cub Scout den leader, the little league coach, or the parent who plans the end of season picnic, the fundraising parent, scorekeeper or any number of other volunteer jobs depending on the activity. Whatever their interests, make them your interests and get involved.

5. Visit School. We often make the mistake of thinking our kids don't need us at school or that we aren't qualified to help out in our kid's classroom. The fact of the matter is schools are almost always sorely in need of volunteers. Often you can volunteer in your kids' class-maybe reading a story to the class once a week, or helping with a craft project, going along on a field trip, or copying handouts for the teacher or stuffing folders to go home to parents. Again, school is a great place to volunteer because you get to actually interact with your child and some of their friends-which helps you bond with your child. Even helping in other areas of the school, outside our child's classroom, is a great way to remain involved in your child's environment-maybe in the lunchroom, library or computer lab.

6. Call your kids. Calling your kids on a regular basis can be very helpful for both of you. It keeps you involved and lets your child know you care. You have to gauge it, of course, to the age of your child. When they are little it might be a two or three minute call due to their attention span-and when they are teenagers it might be a two or three minute call due to them wanting to spend more time with friends! In between there, however, you can have many great conversations with your kids-just remember that some will go better than others. Sometimes your kids may talk your ear off about this, that, and the other thing. Other times you may feel like they are distant or anxious about talking with you and while you may think it's evidence of trouble at their other home, it's just as likely you may have called at a bad time or they just had a bad day in school or an argument with a friend. Making the effort to call will be remembered by your kids later on-even if they can't always chat with you when you do call.

7. Begin or renew traditions. Your kids not being with you frequently is not a reason to skip creating or continuing old family traditions. Scheduling may be a problem, but you can be flexible and arrange to get your Christmas tree, carve your pumpkins, celebrate a birthday, or be the tooth fairy when your kids are with you. Traditions are so important in our lives. They create stability and a feeling of safety for kids and once created, your kids will let you know if you try to let an event go by without following your traditions. I'll share a silly one of my own with you-just to illustrate. Every year we make certain to have a thanksgiving dinner with just my five kids and myself. From the time they were all under ten years old I would lay everything out for our feast, load up my plate and then stand on my chair over the plate and take a photo-telling the kids I have really made a great feast this year. Now, with most of them being teenagers, they remind me hours before the annual feast to get my camera out just for that one silly photo that began when they were so young. They couldn't envision a thanksgiving where dad doesn't photograph his first helping of thanksgiving dinner. Like I said, it's a silly one, but it's become a valued tradition in our family.

8. Bulletin Boards/Scrapbooks/Websites. These are all methods for you to keep your focus on your kids when they aren't with you as well as when they visit. Putting up bulletin boards in your home/apartment and displaying their artwork from school, special projects, or notes helps you to share some parts of their life and reminds you of them when they aren't around. And when they do visit it reminds them that their parent is thinking about them and interested in their life. Scrapbooks are also a way to collect memories of times with the kids or milestones in their lives. Building them is often cathartic for you and is a great joy for them to check out every now and then and will become a cherished memory when they are older with kids of their own. The more technically adept may even want to build a website that showcases your kids talents activities, photos, and interests-it's also a great way to share that information with extended family and friends who might live halfway around the country.

The previous ideas should get you started and I'm sure you can build upon those with many of your own. Some of this requires a new way of looking at life and at your interaction with your kids. For example, attending an event or even getting them from a practice may require driving some distance-but it's worth every sacrifice to your kids. Scheduling and Planning are also affected by this new lifestyle. The old ways of spontaneous interaction need to be replaced with well thought out actions on your part that will keep you involved.

One more thought on spending time with your kids. I don't believe parents can have kids on a visit and just sit around and expect visits to go well. It's not like it was before divorce or the ended relationship. Parents need to engage kids in ways they didn't have to think about before-and being a couch potato or even thinking you can read a book or watch a football game on the TV isn't going to cut it from your kids perspective-especially early on in this new arrangement (in time you may be able to grow into a more "homey" visitation). They need your attention and involvement almost 100% of the time-even though you may have just worked 50 hours in the last five days and done your laundry and picked up groceries, and paid bills, etc... they don't realize it or understand it-especially if they are under ten years old.

They want to spend "quality time" with you, but you have to work overtime to make it quality time. And I can guarantee that some visits will bomb and some will be great. In fact, it's somewhat common for kids to "not be themselves" during a visit or two (or more) early on in this new arrangement. Keep in mind that sadness exhibited by your kids during a visit can also be completely unrelated to being with you personally, but can be a sense of guilt of leaving the other parent, or a feeling that they are missing some activity that they wanted to be a part of with the other parent, or that they felt bad they had to tell a friend they could not spend the night at their house because they had to go see you-the point is, very often, the sadness is not a result of you-but of these other factors.

No matter what happens, don't give up. Your kids and your relationship with them are too valuable for you to not invest all your energies in learning how to adapt to this new relationship that takes place when you're not with your kids every day. You can do this.

What Value Single Fathers?

2008-09-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Vince Regan
July, 2001

(Note: This was originally written when the Elian Gonzalez saga was ongoing and unresolved. It's been modified to past tense to make it easier to read)

I can remember crying at 8p.m. every night. That was the kid's bedtime. The nightly ritual was etched within our lives from years of repetition. First Pajamas, brushing teeth, reading a story, and then the 'tucking in' and a last couple minutes of chatter before the goodnight kiss and turning out the light.

This tradition, which I came to love as our family grew to four kids, was abruptly halted when divorce hit. I became a single father, a relative stranger to my four kids, relegated to seeing them one night a week and every other weekend. But in my new one bedroom apartment the 8p.m. bedtime ritual would not leave my mind, and tears would not leave my eyes.

Amazingly, the Elian Gonzalez travesty brought back these bedtime memories from over twelve years ago. As a single father, I can relate to the pain and fear that wells up when losing your child turns your life upside down.

Single Fathers were strangely absent from weighing in publicly with their thoughts on the plight of little Elian Gonzalez and his dad. We opened our papers or tuned to our broadcast news and both were filled with columnists and reporters that "covered" the story, but none of them could "relate" to the reality of what transpired like a single father. Even the few "fathering" organizations that made statements on the story cannot relate-as none existed (at that time) to represent the issues facing non-custodial single fathers and their kids.

But the absence of a single father's perspective shouldn't have surprised anyone. Elian's story revealed a truth about US society, an ugly truth. Much of society has written off single fathers as "deadbeats" and deserters, even though reality reveals the overwhelming majority of single fathers love, nurture and support their children. And so it goes, within this framework of society that we judge yet another single father, Juan Miguel Gonzalez. He was scrutinized and vilified to a microscopic level, partially for being Cuban, but primarily for being a single father-albeit a remarried single father.

One argument repeated countless times by the Miami relatives was "allow Elian to stay in the US because his mother died trying to gain his freedom." Added to that were comments that he began to view his cousin as his surrogate mom, and she shouldn't be taken from him like his real mom was taken. Had the parental roles been reversed, and Elian's father had died trying to escape to the US with Elian, I doubt the same cry would be heard. Instead, his father's death would have been accompanied by words like "irresponsible, kidnapping, and abusive." Little Elian would have been back in Cuba safely within his mother's arms a day or two after the event.

It's a shame that the bulk of our society has come to assume that only mothers nurture and only fathers desert their kids. There was a time not so long ago where fathers were seen as the rock solid source of stability within family units. But, a rising divorce rate, and a culture that conditions us to look for "winners" and "losers" in nearly every aspect of our lives has resulted in a single fathers importance being diminished.

Fathers don't cease to exist when divorce hits, nor should they be relegated to a second-class parent status as a result. Kids need both parents, and that has little to do with being married, divorced or even a never-married parent. And if one parent dies, few things should keep our kids from being with the other parent.

I'm certain I am not the only father who spent months getting teary-eyed nightly as I missed out on that family ritual that I had come to treasure. There are, in fact, millions of single fathers who have experienced the same feelings I have expressed here-and sadly, I'll bet Elian's dad was one. When our society begins to recognize the nurturing that single fathers provide their children, then decisions on future "Elian Events" will be a non-issue and child and dad will be re-united within hours when tragedy strikes. For the sake of our young children, especially our sons, I hope society returns soon to valuing fathers, including single fathers, so our sons won't endure the stigma the title now carries.

Is there Life after Divorce?

2008-09-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

Willaim VanSickle
August, 2001

I became a single custodial father when my wife of 2 years and I split up,back in May of 1995. My son was 18 months old.

One morning, when my wife came home from partying all night, I told her that we couldn't go on like this, and she suggested we get a divorce.

As part of a separation agreement, I moved out. I found a rental house about a mile away and signed a one-year lease. This is how I discovered the first three fundamental rules of divorce:

* Rule 1: Never do anything permanent when your life is in upheaval.
* Rule 2: Realize that anything you do temporarily will eventually become permanent.
* Rule 3: Before you do anything, draft up a temporary separation agreement. Spell out who gets what, who lives where, who pays for what, and what happens to the child[ren] in the meantime. Get it in writing and get the other party's agreement.

The first night my son and I spent in our new home, I put him down in his spartan little crib in the barren little house in a run-down neighborhood, and he began to cry. So did I. I wept huge salty tears all into his soft baby hair, and told him it was all a mistake, a misunderstanding. Mommy didn't understand what she was losing; she was just confused and all. I'd call her tomorrow and we'd work it all out. We didn't. We couldn't, really. How do you work things out between two parties when one of the parties isn't the same party who made the agreement? In other words, she wasn't "her" anymore. For the most part, she was now, or on the way to becoming, someone entirely different, and this new person was no more the woman I married than a snake is its shed skin, or a butterfly is the caterpillar that it was.

So life began again for me. Parenting was not totally novel to me; I had had plenty of experience in raising my boy. For the most part, life continued the way it had since she got her evening job, about a year before we split up: I'd come home from work and take care of him until bedtime, then I'd go to bed. The difference was, I no longer had a partner to talk to, someone to plan and dream with, not even a few times per week. So my next big challenge was to determine what my new hopes, dreams and aspirations were.

As the first year wore on, my focus went from mere survival (finding a home, moving in, cooking, cleaning, paying the bills) to peering into the future. Where would I live? What would I do? Would I be single for the rest of my life? I had to re-cast my dreams, re-define my future, reorient my goals.

That first year was a bear. It's tough on any single parent, no matter what the situation. Suddenly you have to get by on fewer resources, with greater demands. For several years, I'd collapse into bed each night, weary with commuting, work, housework, and yes, even the time with my boy wore me out. I felt the guilt of withholding some of my time and energy from him, knowing I'd have to hold something back in order to get through the day. But that exhaustion helped me get to sleep at night, when I would've otherwise been tossing and turning, wondering what I did wrong that caused me to lose my family, something I had worked my whole adult life to envision and create.

I faced some big challenges during this time:

* Not getting lost in despair.
* Not seeing divorce as failure, but the beginning of a new life, maybe a better one.
* Letting go of traditional preconceptions about what constitutes a family, so you can include all the people you care about in your life.
* Learning to be emotionally independent.

Remember that saying about "behind every great man is a woman"? Some of the strongest men I know are that way because of the love of a good woman. But how to be strong without that love, that affirmation, that constant reassuring and soothing presence? Now *there's* a challenge, especially after a marriage falls apart, and everything you invested your effort into has fallen to ruin, and you've been repeatedly told that it's all your fault.

Many of my male friends who went through a divorce struggled with alcoholism in the first few years. I guess it's part of how we deal with depression. My dad said it was like an anesthetic after amputation, like morphine. It didn't take the pain away, but it made you indifferent to the pain. Being a custodial dad helped me greatly in that respect. Who has time to be an alcoholic when you never have time or money to go to a bar or the energy to get blasted at home?

Another aspect of single parenting that I believe is tougher on a man is the career question. There's no doubt that this is tough for both sexes, but I believe it's a little tougher when so much of your identity is wrapped up in your family and your job, and your family (as you've defined it) has rained out from under you.

So you have this job, a career really, and you've been working toward it since high school. At first it was your main source of social contact, but when you got married you noticed that it had a tendency to take you away from your family. On the other hand, it's supported them well, helped you to create some financial security, and besides, you had someone to help take up the slack nurture-wise. Now that's gone, but you're back in the financially insecure zone, and you're still putting in the hours, still hoping that career track is going to take you on to greater things.

If you give that up and take a much lower paying job closer to home or with less responsibility, will you be able to get back on that track if/when Ms. Right #2 shows up? If you don't take the lesser job, how will you make up for the shortfall in the quality and quantity of attention given to your kid? Is this a permanent response to a temporary problem?

But on the other hand, if you do take that other job, how will you get financially independent enough so that you can do the things you want to do with and for your kids when you get the time?

I've known single moms who have no qualms about going on public assistance and devoting all their time to raising their children, even if the kids are teenagers. "After all", they say, "this is the nation's future, shouldn't the nation fit the bill?"

But I know of very few single dads who are willing to go this route. They see their kid's self image and self esteem strongly linked to, and similar to, their own: "What do I do? What am I contributing to society in order to make it a better place? What does my dad do for a living, and how is *he* contributing to society?". Blame it on ego, call it hubris, chalk it up to old societal roles, but here we are.

I also wrestled with the idea of dating and socializing. Forcing yourself out of your shell, and into situations where you can make social contact. Do you really want to find someone to watch your child while you squander what little time and money you have for him on randomly bumping into people who most likely will not be worth the trade-off?

Making the decision to purchase a home or car can be frustratingly difficult.

* Vehicle selection: "If I buy a two-seater, am I not excluding the possibility of having other people in my life? On the other hand, if I get a four-door grocery-getter or a minivan won't folks (particularly women) just make the assumption that I already am part of a nuclear family?
* Home selection: Should I buy a two bedroom, one bath home, or 4/3? Who will be my partner, who will I do this all with and for? How do I make space for her and her children if I don't know who she is or how many they are? If I choose to proceed without her, will that exclude her somehow?
* Home Decoration: What color should I paint and tile my kitchen? White is so boring, but anything else might be an absolute nightmare! What future am I planning for, and with whom can I discuss it? This would be so much easier if I had someone to talk about it with! Women discuss these things with their friends. They seem to be able to visualize the whole thing in their mind. Guys just shrug their shoulders and say, "my wife handles that stuff; I just do what she wants".

For all I've given to this experience, I've gotten much more out of it. I've experienced the joy of seeing everything for the first time again, through my son's eyes. First, it was simple objects and events: wheels spinning, running through the sprinkler, the softness of a dog's ears. Now, it's concepts and philosophy. What are stars? What does it mean when you say we only see their history? Where do we go when we die? Do leaves get hurt when they fall? And so on.

Eventually, I suppose the key is to just settle down and realize that everything is for us and for now, and will have to be good enough for us, for now. When we create that space for ourselves, a place of comfort and fulfillment, then we eventually awaken and find ourselves grateful and blessed.

So it becomes a win/win vs. lose/lose situation. If we focus on what we've lost, on being miserable and lonely, we will be miserable and lonely, and people will avoid us like the walking plague. If we focus on being happy and fulfilled, good folks will gravitate toward us, toward the happiness and light in our lives.

That's been my experience, anyway.

Issues of Christian Marriage and Divorce Part II

2008-07-31T23:30:00.000-07:00

Christian marriage and divorce must be carefully hedged. The resultant confusion in the churches demonstrates this point. Paul the Apostle warned us that the Churches would have problems with "seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils" by "forbidding to marry". Churches have shown a marked tendency to forbid marriage where the Bible allows it. Christ repeatedly took Deuteronomy 24 as His example of upholding the principles of the Old Testament.
Christian Divorce a la St. Paul

Just how accurate and insightful does one have to be to get this kind of a message across? St. Paul wrote to Timothy in his epistle, I Timothy 4:3:

Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils.

Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron.

Forbidding to marry and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. – I Timothy 4:1 – 3

Throughout the history of the churches, this issue (Christian divorce as a function of Christian marriage) has been surprisingly powerful in its impact.

Objectively, various Councils of the churches throughout history have attempted or actually succeeded in getting some aspect of "marriage" illegitimized among Christian people. Even great church leaders such as Augustine, Tertullian (the fellow who first coined the term "Trinity"), and Athanasius held compromised views about the subject.

For example, at the great Council of Nicea (325 A.D.),

It certainly appears that during the deliberations of the Council of Nicea a proposal was made at the Council which would have forbidden clergymen from continuing in their married estate if they were desirous of retaining their ministerial positions. The proposal was defeated by the eloquent scholar and faithful minister Paphnutius. He argued such a law was contrary to Scripture and placed a terrible burden on the clergy involved as well as their wives, who also could be immeasurably harmed. (Marriage Plague, p. 315)

Eventually, all of Latin Christianity (the Roman Catholic Medieval churches) would be so involved as to deny marriage to its clergy. Greek Byzantine Christianity (represented by the Greek Orthodox Church) would allow marriage for its clergy, but never remarriage if the first wife died. This was asserted on the basis of St. Paul’s statement that a minister must be "the husband of one wife…" (a passage clearly intended to militate against polygamy, not remarriage.). (reference Marriage Plague, p. 315 ff.),

Again, the laws of the Lord in the Bible allowed remarriage after the death of a spouse. Those laws (Deut. 24:1 ff – this is the passage Christ repeatedly commented upon concerning the "Writ of Divorcement" in the Gospels – Matthew 5: 31 -32, Mark 10:4 ff, Luke 16:17 -18) also allowed the guilty spouse in a divorce to remarry.

Yet, the churches have repeatedly (many Christians today, likewise) called for "no remarriage" after divorce, death of a spouse, abandonment of a spouse, unfaithfulness of a spouse.

Christian Marriage, a Fundamental Right

Yet the Bible authorizes a fundamental right of all parties to marry or remarry with only three restrictions:

- Prohibitions to "Christian marriage" in any violation of the laws of consanguinity (you cannot ever marry your mother, father, sibling, uncle, aunt - direct, blood relationship). These hygienic laws have been one of the cornerstones of Western civilization for two millennia, yet few Christians know these laws concerning Christian marriage prohibitions even exist (Lev. 18).

- Prohibitions to "Christian marriage" in the violation of the laws of affinity.

- Prohibitions to "Christian marriage" in any marriage of a believing Christian with a person who is not a believer.

Even state licensure laws violate Biblical injunctions concerning Christian marriage and Christian divorce. That is a reason the same sex issue has such legal strength. The Bible does not allow the state to legitimize marriage. It does give the state the authority to deal with divorce according to the civil mandates given in Scripture.

Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers… – Romans 13:1

For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid …– Romans 13:4

For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. – Romans 13:9

This latter verse agrees with Deuteronomy 24:1ff allowing even the adulteress to remarry. It is explicitly stated there.

That does not mean she got off without sanction. The Old Testament "put to death" individuals in such civil matters by disinheritance (Adam and Eve for example were cast out of the Garden as a direct consequence of Christ’s warning "In the day you eat thereof, you will surely die.").

Adam physically died over nine centuries later. But, he and his wife were "put to death" by being exiled (disinherited from Paradise) that very day.

This fact explains a number of issues:

- Christ did not endorse the stoning of the woman taken in adultery.

- Nor was He denying Moses in the case.

- There was no record of an adulterer being put to physical death in the Old Testament.

- The two harlots (harlots are adulteresses in the Bible) who stood in court before Solomon as known harlots were not put to death then or later.

- When God divorced Israel in the Old Testament (Jer. 3:8), Israel was exiled (sent into Captivity).

- Yet, God "remarried" Israel and brought His people back into His married relationship with Himself.

If we deny the right to Christian marriage (which includes remarriage), as specified in the Scriptures, we are culpable of violating St. Paul’s prophetic injunction in I Timothy 4: 1 – 3. We may be unwittingly participating in a "doctrine of devils".

Hum… doctrine of devils… rampant divorce confusion among Christians today. Could be we’re on to something here.

Chrys Ostom has both undergraduate and graduate degrees in schools in business (with economics), ministry (and counseling), theology and history. He has extensive counseling experience concerning problems and solutions surrounding divorce, marriage, and remarriage in the history and customs of the churches. He has accomplished work in both home mission and foreign mission training and church growth.

By Chrys Ostom
Published: 6/14/2008

The Teaching of the Catholic Church on Divorce

2008-07-31T22:58:00.000-07:00

Among Catholics, one of the most sensitive and often-avoided topics is the stinging reality of divorce and its consequences. While there must be a pastoral response to assist those parties who seek counseling when their failed marriage ends in divorce, one must never compromise the truth of Christ’s teachings for the sake of the pastoral response. The words and teachings of Jesus Christ on divorce are clear, and it is the responsibility of the Church and its pastors to safeguard, proclaim, and defend them. Let us, therefore, turn our attention to the words of Christ Himself recorded in the Gospel of Matthew:

“And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, ‘Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?’ He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one”? So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.’ They said to him, ‘Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?’ He said to them, ‘For your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman, commits adultery.’"[1]

These words sound like a great judgment upon a civilization such as ours, where there is one divorce for every two marriages and many consequent re-marriages after such divorces. Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen, in his radio series “Life Is Worth Living,” eloquently shows how this teaching is not just for Catholics and other Christians. Divorces, he says, go against everything man and woman were created to be.

“They are, indeed, especially wrong for Catholics,” he said. “But they are a violation of the law of God, the Natural Law of God, for everyone, whether he be Tibetan or Moslem, or a so-called Christian. Original Sin and the Deluge did not block out the divinely established order of man and woman. Conjugal love conquered both the deluge and Original Sin and survived both.”

In our article on the theology of the sacrament of marriage, we saw how humanity is part of both a natural order and a supernatural order. Because marriage is a union made by God, it is unbreakable. The Church teaches that the man and woman, who commit the rest of their lives to each other, truly become one. This is the way God intended marriage, and it is important to remember that marriage was instituted by God, not by man. When reflecting on divorce, you must ask yourself whose rules you are playing by when you agree to marry. “Certainly there are judges who will grant divorces, but how does God look upon them?” Archbishop Sheen says. “After the divorce, they are not two separate individuals as they are before the marriage. They are fragments of a joint personality, like a babe who has been cut in two. That is the way God looks upon any divorce, regardless of who the person be.”

One of the great tragedies in our modern culture is that the family is under attack from all sides. Countless movies, television shows and song lyrics depict single-parent families or do not include the parents at all. Commitment is replaced by a distorted notion of love where it is seen as OK to leave a relationship if it’s “not working out.” After all, they say, you only live once and you deserve to be happy. But the true fallout is rarely shown. Despite the reason for any divorce, the impact is almost always traumatic on all parties involved, especially children. In his concluding catechetical talk on the theology of the body on April 8, 1981, Pope John Paul II did not hesitate to use the phrase “plague of divorce” to emphasize the gravity of such an attack on the dignity of marriage.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church Defines Divorce

Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other until death. Sacramental marriage is the sign of the covenant of salvation, to which divorce does incredible injury. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery. If a husband, separated from his wife, becomes involved with another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery; and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another's husband to herself.[2]

Furthermore, the Catechism states that divorce is immoral because “it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.”[3]

But do we really believe that? Do we believe instead that the Church is “out of touch” with relationships and needs to “get with it?” The mentality of civil society challenges the divinely revealed truth that a valid marriage is an indissoluble union between a man and a woman. The Church responds by saying: “The Lord Jesus insisted on the original intention of the Creator who willed that marriage be indissoluble. He abrogates the accommodations that had slipped into the old Law. Between the baptized, ‘a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death.’”[4]

Innocent Parties

The Church is also fully aware that there are innocent parties who may be “the victim” of divorce by their spouse. Such spouses are unjustly abandoned and suffer the consequences of a civil divorce and the spiritual and psychological consequences accompanying a failed marriage. Many are concerned in their consciences whether their divorces which have been forced unjustly upon them constitute a gravely sinful act. The Church responds:

“…This spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.”[5]

All Decisions Have Consequences

All decisions have consequences, and divorce is no exception. Divorce is not wrong for Catholics only, but Catholics who are divorced have deeper spiritual consequences surpassing the civil responsibilities following civil divorce. It is critical for all who have undergone a civil divorce to understand that the Church still recognizes the validity of a marriage, even if it is a dissolved union at the civil level; for marriage is first and foremost a physical and spiritual union of a man and a woman. The words of Jesus Christ, echoed in the teachings of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, remain unambiguous:

“Today there are numerous Catholics in many countries who have recourse to civil divorce and contract new civil unions. In fidelity to the words of Jesus Christ—‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery’[6]--the Church maintains that a new union cannot be recognized as valid, if the first marriage was. If the divorced are remarried civilly, they find themselves in a situation that objectively contravenes God's law. Consequently, they cannot receive Eucharistic communion as long as this situation persists. For the same reason, they cannot exercise certain ecclesial responsibilities. Reconciliation through the sacrament of Penance can be granted only to those who have repented for having violated the sign of the covenant and of fidelity to Christ, and who are committed to living in complete continence.[7]

“The remarriage of persons divorced from a living, lawful spouse contravenes the plan and law of God as taught by Christ. They are not separated from the Church, but they cannot receive Eucharistic communion. They will lead Christian lives especially by educating their children in the faith .”[8]

The Church teaches that the separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases. The Catechism states: “If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.”[9]

Showing Sensitivity to the Divorced

In The Catechism of the Catholic Church (n.1651), the Church stresses that the community of the faithful should exercise a sensitivity to the divorced through works of charity.

Toward Christians who live in this situation, and who often keep the faith and desire to bring up their children in a Christian manner, priests and the whole community must manifest an attentive solicitude, so that they do not consider themselves separated from the Church, in whose life they can and must participate as baptized persons:

They should be encouraged to listen to the Word of God, to attend the Sacrifice of the Mass, to persevere in prayer, to contribute to works of charity and to community efforts for justice, to bring up their children in the Christian faith, to cultivate the spirit and practice of penance and thus implore, day by day, God's grace.[10]
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Recommended Readings

Pope Pius XI, Encyclical Letter Casti Cannubi: “On Chastity in Marriage,” December 31, 1930.

Gaudium et Spes: “Constitution on the Church in the Modern World,” Vatican Council II,
December 7, 1865.

John Paul II, “The Theology of the Body: Human Love in the Divine Plan,” Pauline Books & Media, 1997.

John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio: “The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World,”
November 22, 1981.

John Paul II, Ecclesial Pronouncement by Pope John Paul II “Letter to Families from Pope John Paul II”,

February 2, 1994.