You can be the best parent in the world and keep a close bond with your kids after separation. They might even love your new partner, and thoroughly enjoy spending time with you and her. But if the time comes that you and your new partner are expecting a baby of your own, they can see that bond as threatened.
That’s perfectly understandable on their part. They worry that another child, especially a baby, will mean that you’ll love them less and have less time for them. What you have to do, and keep on doing, is prove to them that’s not true.
Telling Them about the Pregnancy
Don’t put off telling your children that your partner is pregnant. The earlier you tell them, the better, since it gives them more time to become used to the idea. However, you should probably wait until the first trimester, with its danger of miscarriage, is complete – having to explain pregnancy then miscarriage can be one step too many for some.
Sit your kids down and explain the situation matter-of-factly. Reinforce the idea that you love them and they’re always going to be very important in your life. If possible, both you and your new partner should sit down with the kids. It might involve a brief explanation of the facts of life, depending on the ages of your children.
Tell them you want them involved with the baby (if you have girls, they’ll probably welcome this), that it will be a brother or sister to them – this keeps them as part of your family.
As The Pregnancy Develops
There’s no reason for you to change what you do when you have your children with you. Continue your activities, but keep involving them in the pregnancy – touching the bump when the baby’s kicking, for instance. Your partner might no longer be able to take part in all your activities with your kids, but that’s fine. Enjoy the time you have alone with your children, keep them secure in your affections and as part of the family. Treat the pregnancy as just another part of life; don’t dwell on it too much with them, so it will seem a perfectly normal event.
After The Baby’s Born
Once the baby’s home, bring your kids over to see it. Make sure, though, that they know how fragile the little one is. This can be the hardest time, for you, juggling the demands of a baby with the need to see and enjoy your other children. But it’s also the most crucial time. Taking time away from your kids for the baby can make them believe the baby is more important than they are. So no matter how tired you are, be certain to give them their full share of your time. Keep them involved with the baby; give them small tasks to help, so they feel an attachment, rather than a resentment of this new addition. At the same time, make sure you do things with your kids on their own. Most vitally, never treat the baby as more important than your kids. Equality is the key.
It might take several months until your kids fully accept the baby and stop seeing it as a threat. If you’ve given your kids as much attention as you did before, and continue to do so, you’ll successfully build a strong extended family.
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Communication With Your Children
One thing you’ll find not being around your children all the time, is that communication with them can become more difficult and more stilted. That can become worrying, since you want to stay close to your kids, to know what’s going on in their daily lives, and what they’re thinking and feeling. The ability to keep in touch can be a big factor.
But there are ways to make sure that growing apart doesn’t happen, at least if your children are old enough. Your physical contact might be limited, so you only spend a relatively small amount of time with them, but don’t let that discourage you. There are other methods.
Online
For most kids over the age of eight, computers are a completely normal part of life nowadays. They’re also an excellent way for you to communicate with your children. Many kids have e-mail addresses through school, and there are plenty of web-based free mail services.
If your kids have a computer at home, when they’re visiting you, set up an e-mail account for them, and also an Instant Messaging account with a relatively safe service like MSN (both are free, but you should check with your former partner first). Show them how to use it. This makes for a great way to keep in touch. You can set aside time on the weekends you don’t see your children to spend time together online, either chatting or playing online games together. You should, of course, teach them about online safety. There’s one great plus to communicating this way – it enhances their computer skills.
Phone
The phone is an excellent way of staying in touch. You can call your kids in the evening, or buy them mobiles and talk to them on their way home from school. It’s a chance for chatting on a regular basis – every evening, if possible. The calls don’t have to be long, just an opportunity for you to catch up on what’s happened during their day.
What to Talk About With Your Children
Children can be notoriously uncommunicative. Ask about school and you’ll hear “it was okay,” or something similar. Draw them out where you can, ask a few questions, enough so you can gauge what’s happening. But don’t just talk; listen, too. Let them lead the conversation, talking about things that are important to them. Develop an interest in their interests so you can talk more knowledgably about them (and you’ll discover that in many cases, interests can change from month to month, so you’ll be playing catch-up).
Above all, simply talking is the most important thing – often it doesn’t matter what you talk about. The more often you can do it, the stronger the bond between you and your children. Many men only talk to their children when they have contact, and it takes a determined, ongoing effort to keep regular contact, but the results are more than worth it.
Obviously, the situation is far easier when your ex doesn’t put obstacles in your way. But if you have parental responsibility, you should be able to have regular access via phone calls or online with your kids.
It’s important to keep as many channels of communication as possible open with your kids. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues they’ll face in life – sex and drugs, for example. These might be addressed at school, but it never hurts to reinforce them. Also, if you talk to your ex and hear about issues that the children have, discuss those with them, too. It’s not simply part of being a parent; it’s also caring and wanting the best for your children.
But there are ways to make sure that growing apart doesn’t happen, at least if your children are old enough. Your physical contact might be limited, so you only spend a relatively small amount of time with them, but don’t let that discourage you. There are other methods.
Online
For most kids over the age of eight, computers are a completely normal part of life nowadays. They’re also an excellent way for you to communicate with your children. Many kids have e-mail addresses through school, and there are plenty of web-based free mail services.
If your kids have a computer at home, when they’re visiting you, set up an e-mail account for them, and also an Instant Messaging account with a relatively safe service like MSN (both are free, but you should check with your former partner first). Show them how to use it. This makes for a great way to keep in touch. You can set aside time on the weekends you don’t see your children to spend time together online, either chatting or playing online games together. You should, of course, teach them about online safety. There’s one great plus to communicating this way – it enhances their computer skills.
Phone
The phone is an excellent way of staying in touch. You can call your kids in the evening, or buy them mobiles and talk to them on their way home from school. It’s a chance for chatting on a regular basis – every evening, if possible. The calls don’t have to be long, just an opportunity for you to catch up on what’s happened during their day.
What to Talk About With Your Children
Children can be notoriously uncommunicative. Ask about school and you’ll hear “it was okay,” or something similar. Draw them out where you can, ask a few questions, enough so you can gauge what’s happening. But don’t just talk; listen, too. Let them lead the conversation, talking about things that are important to them. Develop an interest in their interests so you can talk more knowledgably about them (and you’ll discover that in many cases, interests can change from month to month, so you’ll be playing catch-up).
Above all, simply talking is the most important thing – often it doesn’t matter what you talk about. The more often you can do it, the stronger the bond between you and your children. Many men only talk to their children when they have contact, and it takes a determined, ongoing effort to keep regular contact, but the results are more than worth it.
Obviously, the situation is far easier when your ex doesn’t put obstacles in your way. But if you have parental responsibility, you should be able to have regular access via phone calls or online with your kids.
It’s important to keep as many channels of communication as possible open with your kids. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues they’ll face in life – sex and drugs, for example. These might be addressed at school, but it never hurts to reinforce them. Also, if you talk to your ex and hear about issues that the children have, discuss those with them, too. It’s not simply part of being a parent; it’s also caring and wanting the best for your children.
Introducing a New Partner to Your Children
One of the most stressful things you can do as a separated father is to introduce your children to your new partner. You want everyone to like and accept everyone else – and you’re really not sure what you’ll do if that doesn’t happen. There are no guarantees of course, but there are a number of things you can do to try and ensure everything goes smoothly. That’s especially important for your children, who won’t understand a lot of the dynamics, and who after all, are the most important things to you.
What Type Of Partner Should You Introduce?
The chances are you’ll date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Don’t introduce your kids to every passing girlfriend. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you’re developing a serious relationship, it’ll take them longer to trust her.
It’s best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you’re comfortable with each other. Talk to her about your children beforehand, by all means, but try to avoid discussing your former partner.
One thing you have to do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children, all the time you can. It’s easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, but don’t do it at the expense of your kids.
The First Meeting
The first meeting between your children and new partner should be a casual, social occasion – say a trip to the park or the cinema. It certainly shouldn’t be anything that involves stress; don’t go to an amusement park, for example, where you might spend a long time queuing for rides with the children becoming restless. You want everyone relaxed. Introduce your partner as a friend, make light of it. Don’t kiss her and hold her, keep everything light, and include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children on her own. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would.
Moving On
You don’t need to have your partner with you every time you have your children; in fact, it’s a bad idea. They need time alone with you. But do have her join you regularly. For a while keep it as light as possible, still introducing her as a friend. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship – obviously in terms they’ll understand, depending on age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they’ll have developed their own relationship with your new partner and accept her readily.
If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you’re renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about decorating rooms that will be theirs – it gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship.
If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your ex. She’ll hear about it anyway from the children, but it would probably be best if you told her first, if only as a courtesy to prepare her.
Problems
Obviously, you can’t force your children to get along with your new partner. What happens if they don’t? Then you’re left between a rock and a hard place, and there’s no easy resolution. It’s quite possible you’ll have to make a choice between partner and children (and the same applies if your partner doesn’t like your children). Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end, and taking you on means taking them on, too – you’re a package deal. At that point you’re left with a painful decision to make, and whichever way you go, someone is going to be hurt. The best thing to do is everything in your power to make sure things go well. Don’t rush anything – there’s plenty of time.
If You Leave For Someone Else
The situation is a little different if you’ve left to be with another woman. Your ex will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that doesn’t mean you need to introduce her immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you’re with them, and introduce her gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing her immediately as the new stepmother; between fairytales and stories, step parents have bad reputations. Give them a chance to become used to her – and vice versa.
What Type Of Partner Should You Introduce?
The chances are you’ll date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Don’t introduce your kids to every passing girlfriend. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you’re developing a serious relationship, it’ll take them longer to trust her.
It’s best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you’re comfortable with each other. Talk to her about your children beforehand, by all means, but try to avoid discussing your former partner.
One thing you have to do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children, all the time you can. It’s easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, but don’t do it at the expense of your kids.
The First Meeting
The first meeting between your children and new partner should be a casual, social occasion – say a trip to the park or the cinema. It certainly shouldn’t be anything that involves stress; don’t go to an amusement park, for example, where you might spend a long time queuing for rides with the children becoming restless. You want everyone relaxed. Introduce your partner as a friend, make light of it. Don’t kiss her and hold her, keep everything light, and include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children on her own. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would.
Moving On
You don’t need to have your partner with you every time you have your children; in fact, it’s a bad idea. They need time alone with you. But do have her join you regularly. For a while keep it as light as possible, still introducing her as a friend. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship – obviously in terms they’ll understand, depending on age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they’ll have developed their own relationship with your new partner and accept her readily.
If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you’re renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about decorating rooms that will be theirs – it gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship.
If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your ex. She’ll hear about it anyway from the children, but it would probably be best if you told her first, if only as a courtesy to prepare her.
Problems
Obviously, you can’t force your children to get along with your new partner. What happens if they don’t? Then you’re left between a rock and a hard place, and there’s no easy resolution. It’s quite possible you’ll have to make a choice between partner and children (and the same applies if your partner doesn’t like your children). Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end, and taking you on means taking them on, too – you’re a package deal. At that point you’re left with a painful decision to make, and whichever way you go, someone is going to be hurt. The best thing to do is everything in your power to make sure things go well. Don’t rush anything – there’s plenty of time.
If You Leave For Someone Else
The situation is a little different if you’ve left to be with another woman. Your ex will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that doesn’t mean you need to introduce her immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you’re with them, and introduce her gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing her immediately as the new stepmother; between fairytales and stories, step parents have bad reputations. Give them a chance to become used to her – and vice versa.
Friday, September 19, 2008
How to Be a Good Stepparent
If you're trying to be a good stepparent the chances are that the odds aren't in your favor. Even the fairytales are weighted against you when you think of evil stepparents in stories like Cinderella and a host of other tales. It really doesn't matter if it was death or divorce that made your partner single again; your step kids are going to look at you as an outsider imposing on their turf.
Trying to build a bond of love and respect under such circumstances is possible. Experts agree that as long as you acknowledge that you are a stepparent and your role is different from that of a biological parent in the beginning, you can cope easily.
Statistics have shown that 6 out of every 10 marriages that have stepchildren are bound to fail. Most of the time this is due to the inability of a couple to turn their children into a proper family.
Being a stepparent may be a tricky thing. The job you have as a parent is essentially the same. You are trying to teach all your children how to become responsible and become loving and caring adults later on in life. The trick to accomplishing the role of a stepparent may be done by following the tips below:
Acknowledging the Children's Feelings of Loss.
The reasons for the existence of your new family are unimportant. Children require a time to grieve for the loss of a unit of their family and come to terms with a new addition.
Don't Expect Love at First Sight
You may wish that you can fall in love with your stepchildren easily and get them to fall in love with you that easily too. Just because you fell in love with their own parents doesn't mean that the same will happen between you and them. Building such relationships tend to take time. Learn to show respect for any feelings they have or doubts and respect yours as well.
Setting Ground Rules
Regardless of if your stepchildren stay with you or not, you should have ground rules that regard discipline, punishment and respecting your spouse properly. You should learn the limits that you have when considering any problems that present themselves with children. You should also have certain expectations when it comes to ex-spouses. You need to let these children understand that you are considering their thoughts and feelings too. When it comes to the time for discipline you should allow the biological parent take the lead when possible. Children tend to accept it better this way.
Get to Know One Another
You should take the time out to get to know your stepchildren better. A unique arrangement by virtue of marriage allows you to be more of a friend than a parent especially when your spouse isn't the one with the custody of the children. Make sure that you use this to your advantage and have as much fun as you can.
Keep a Sense of Humor
Humor is wonderful in order to help with the release of tension. It also helps in the building of intimacy and the keeping of everything in perspective. Humor may not necessarily solve your entire problems but it may help you survive these problems.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Trying to build a bond of love and respect under such circumstances is possible. Experts agree that as long as you acknowledge that you are a stepparent and your role is different from that of a biological parent in the beginning, you can cope easily.
Statistics have shown that 6 out of every 10 marriages that have stepchildren are bound to fail. Most of the time this is due to the inability of a couple to turn their children into a proper family.
Being a stepparent may be a tricky thing. The job you have as a parent is essentially the same. You are trying to teach all your children how to become responsible and become loving and caring adults later on in life. The trick to accomplishing the role of a stepparent may be done by following the tips below:
Acknowledging the Children's Feelings of Loss.
The reasons for the existence of your new family are unimportant. Children require a time to grieve for the loss of a unit of their family and come to terms with a new addition.
Don't Expect Love at First Sight
You may wish that you can fall in love with your stepchildren easily and get them to fall in love with you that easily too. Just because you fell in love with their own parents doesn't mean that the same will happen between you and them. Building such relationships tend to take time. Learn to show respect for any feelings they have or doubts and respect yours as well.
Setting Ground Rules
Regardless of if your stepchildren stay with you or not, you should have ground rules that regard discipline, punishment and respecting your spouse properly. You should learn the limits that you have when considering any problems that present themselves with children. You should also have certain expectations when it comes to ex-spouses. You need to let these children understand that you are considering their thoughts and feelings too. When it comes to the time for discipline you should allow the biological parent take the lead when possible. Children tend to accept it better this way.
Get to Know One Another
You should take the time out to get to know your stepchildren better. A unique arrangement by virtue of marriage allows you to be more of a friend than a parent especially when your spouse isn't the one with the custody of the children. Make sure that you use this to your advantage and have as much fun as you can.
Keep a Sense of Humor
Humor is wonderful in order to help with the release of tension. It also helps in the building of intimacy and the keeping of everything in perspective. Humor may not necessarily solve your entire problems but it may help you survive these problems.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Coping with being a Single Parent after a Divorce
You knew how to parent your children when you were a couple but how do you handle the stress in the middle of a divorce. You should come up with new rules for your little children. You should reestablish the priorities of your family and ease up on the discipline until your children have gotten through the stress of your family breaking up.
Whether you're the parent who one custody or the parent who didn't get custody and is feeling guilty and knows what their children need and is unable to offer it to them, your job as a parent may look much harder after a separation than it is in the beginning. Your life has changed and the way you parent will as well.
Divorced parents tend to ease up on the discipline during difficult times and believe that this strategy helps their children cope better with the situation. Some experts agree that you should ease up on the discipline but not entirely. Undue leniency during the period of a divorce may easily lead to a situation where a child develops unwanted behaviors. Divorce tends to be hard on children and can easily lead to hurt, fear and instability. The best way of getting your children through these changes is to try and remain as predictable as you can in regards to your expectation, discipline and punishment.
So many things can change in your lives during the period of a divorce but they need to understand that the rules and consequences for these rules remain the same.
If your parenting styles before the divorce were a part of your marital conflict then you may be ready to adopt a new style. When change is at hand you should be as clear and as firm as possible regarding the new rules when these children are with you. Remember that you have to be fair, understanding, patient and gentle. It should take sometime for your children to get used to your own style of parenting. When you are firm it means an entirely new style of parenting and not that you have to overbearing.
These are a few tips that can easily get you through the beginning stages of your life when you are a divorced parent.
Consistency and Dependability
Your kids need to know what you expect and what to expect if they stray from the right paths. Your children depend on you to make them safe. You should take the opportunity to assure them that they are your utmost priority.
Learn to Forgive
It's hard for you to forget how you got to the stage of getting a divorce but you should find a way to forgive your spouse for any role that they played in your divorce. Never speak ill about your ex where your children are.
Stay Honest With Your Children
When you are disappointed that your life is taking a new direction share your grief a little but make sure that your children understand that everything will work out great. You should make them a part of everything from choosing your new home to making changes to your existing one in order to reduce the emptiness that you feel with the departure of your spouse.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Whether you're the parent who one custody or the parent who didn't get custody and is feeling guilty and knows what their children need and is unable to offer it to them, your job as a parent may look much harder after a separation than it is in the beginning. Your life has changed and the way you parent will as well.
Divorced parents tend to ease up on the discipline during difficult times and believe that this strategy helps their children cope better with the situation. Some experts agree that you should ease up on the discipline but not entirely. Undue leniency during the period of a divorce may easily lead to a situation where a child develops unwanted behaviors. Divorce tends to be hard on children and can easily lead to hurt, fear and instability. The best way of getting your children through these changes is to try and remain as predictable as you can in regards to your expectation, discipline and punishment.
So many things can change in your lives during the period of a divorce but they need to understand that the rules and consequences for these rules remain the same.
If your parenting styles before the divorce were a part of your marital conflict then you may be ready to adopt a new style. When change is at hand you should be as clear and as firm as possible regarding the new rules when these children are with you. Remember that you have to be fair, understanding, patient and gentle. It should take sometime for your children to get used to your own style of parenting. When you are firm it means an entirely new style of parenting and not that you have to overbearing.
These are a few tips that can easily get you through the beginning stages of your life when you are a divorced parent.
Consistency and Dependability
Your kids need to know what you expect and what to expect if they stray from the right paths. Your children depend on you to make them safe. You should take the opportunity to assure them that they are your utmost priority.
Learn to Forgive
It's hard for you to forget how you got to the stage of getting a divorce but you should find a way to forgive your spouse for any role that they played in your divorce. Never speak ill about your ex where your children are.
Stay Honest With Your Children
When you are disappointed that your life is taking a new direction share your grief a little but make sure that your children understand that everything will work out great. You should make them a part of everything from choosing your new home to making changes to your existing one in order to reduce the emptiness that you feel with the departure of your spouse.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
The Good that Discipline Can Do
Taking a strong stand isn't a bad thing for parents to try and learn. Kids need discipline because it teaches them what acceptable behavior is and what it isn't. At certain times punishment may be necessary in order to impart what consequences are all about to children. However you should make sure that this discipline is kept short and you should respect the feelings of you child too. If you want to be strict it doesn't mean that you have to abuse or belittle your child. It's all about taking the lead so you teach your children how to behave in a proper, respectful and appropriate manner.
Too many parents have the fear that they may crush the spirit of a child or overwhelm them by placing too many limits on them. When they do this they refrain from discipline and the adverse effects lead to uncontrollable and disrespectful children later on in life.
Children need limits and they want them too. It makes them feel safe and loved at the same time. Children haven't yet understood how to control their urges and their desires and they need their parents as guides in order to know what is okay and what isn't. Discipline isn't just about creating well-behaved children; it's about creating children who are well-rounded and emotionally healthy as well.
Selecting the best form of discipline may be the toughest thing that a parent has to do. Each child is a different person and while time-outs may be suitable for some children, an appropriate amount of smacking may do well to get your point across. In order to deal with the discipline issues in your home you might want to follow through with these simple child development tips.
Respecting the Stage of Development of a Child
If you know why your toddler continues to play in the bathroom when you've told them not to several times, it may help you cope better with frustration and understand if your child is just being defiant or learning to explore the world in a way that is normal and natural.
Match Discipline to a Child's Level of Development
Toddlers can be diverted without much ado but older children may require a time out or some other type of discipline in order to get them to stop whatever it is that they're doing. You should try to learn what works best with a particular child's state of development so that you can get the best results.
Select Discipline that Matches the Child
Never use the same form of discipline with every child. Some children require a harsher form of discipline that other people. What will work for some people will not necessarily work for others.
A Great Role Model
If your child sees you losing your temper when you fail to get your own way, they'll pick up on the same thing too. Teach your children how they can handle frustration and disappointment by being a better role model.
Show Children Love and Tenderness
When discipline is over it is always good to hug your child and reinforce the fact that you care about them even when they disobey you. It can be very comforting to know that you are important to your parents even when you mess up.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Too many parents have the fear that they may crush the spirit of a child or overwhelm them by placing too many limits on them. When they do this they refrain from discipline and the adverse effects lead to uncontrollable and disrespectful children later on in life.
Children need limits and they want them too. It makes them feel safe and loved at the same time. Children haven't yet understood how to control their urges and their desires and they need their parents as guides in order to know what is okay and what isn't. Discipline isn't just about creating well-behaved children; it's about creating children who are well-rounded and emotionally healthy as well.
Selecting the best form of discipline may be the toughest thing that a parent has to do. Each child is a different person and while time-outs may be suitable for some children, an appropriate amount of smacking may do well to get your point across. In order to deal with the discipline issues in your home you might want to follow through with these simple child development tips.
Respecting the Stage of Development of a Child
If you know why your toddler continues to play in the bathroom when you've told them not to several times, it may help you cope better with frustration and understand if your child is just being defiant or learning to explore the world in a way that is normal and natural.
Match Discipline to a Child's Level of Development
Toddlers can be diverted without much ado but older children may require a time out or some other type of discipline in order to get them to stop whatever it is that they're doing. You should try to learn what works best with a particular child's state of development so that you can get the best results.
Select Discipline that Matches the Child
Never use the same form of discipline with every child. Some children require a harsher form of discipline that other people. What will work for some people will not necessarily work for others.
A Great Role Model
If your child sees you losing your temper when you fail to get your own way, they'll pick up on the same thing too. Teach your children how they can handle frustration and disappointment by being a better role model.
Show Children Love and Tenderness
When discipline is over it is always good to hug your child and reinforce the fact that you care about them even when they disobey you. It can be very comforting to know that you are important to your parents even when you mess up.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
The Dangers of Hovering around Your Children
Parents who hover are an easily recognizable thing. Think of the mom at the playground who won't let her children go down the slide. Think of your next door neighbor who drives her children to school, because she's scared that the school bus may get into an accident. Think of the Dad at the local Boy Scouts who won't allow his son practice knot-tying because he's scared that the child may accidentally strangle himself with rope.
In order to protect your children from the existing dangers that exist in the world today, you have to recognize the different between protection and being over-bearing. It becomes dangerous to a child's sense of well-being and their ability to make decisions and be responsible. It also affects the ability of these children to socialize with people within their peer group and handle any encounters or physical dangers that they may face.
When you are overprotective it can easily sap the confidence of your child without you getting to realize it. When you hover it prevents your children from experiencing the challenges and successes that children need to experience in order for them to grow into stronger and confident adults prepared to face the world. It is painful when your child is the only person who isn't invited to a party but rather than confronting the other parent and making it a compulsory matter, you should teach your child how to handle disappointment in life.
The term "helicopter parent" is becoming all the more prevalent on today's college campuses. Many baby boomer tend to find themselves interfering with the lives of their children in every single way possible bothering everyone from room mates to professors down to prospective employers. This may sound like something out of a book but you'll hear of many parents attending interviews with college graduates and calling prospective employers to learn why their children didn't get a particular job.
Being involved in the life of your child is a good thing, but running all the aspects of the life of your child is something else entirely. One author Mel Levin was parents especially those who he feels are trying to create children that will be unable to handle the travails of life now and in the future.
How do you know when you're going too far as a parent? These are some simple signs that you may be turning into a helicopter parent.
When you find yourself interfering too much with your children when they are playing. Small children may do different things in order to get their own way; they will fight push, kick and scratch. This is a way that they learn what make ups acceptable social behavior and what doesn't.
*
Whenever you're constantly trying to fix the hurt feelings of your child you may be coming overbearing. No one can be completely happy all the time. You should no when to step in and when not to. A lot of disappointments occur in life and the sooner that your children cope with these disappointments the better for them and for you. Teach them how to handle their disappointments in a more productive way.
*
When you're always in contact with your child you may be turning into an overbearing parent. It's perfectly normal to want to know where your children are but when you feel the need to contact them on their phone several times a day, then it may be going too far. Let your children handle their own schedules on their own and deal with the consequences whenever they fail to comply with things like remembering their own homework.
*
If you feel terrible with yourself whenever your child doesn't succeed then you have a problem. Your sense of self worth shouldn't be based on the success of your child.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
In order to protect your children from the existing dangers that exist in the world today, you have to recognize the different between protection and being over-bearing. It becomes dangerous to a child's sense of well-being and their ability to make decisions and be responsible. It also affects the ability of these children to socialize with people within their peer group and handle any encounters or physical dangers that they may face.
When you are overprotective it can easily sap the confidence of your child without you getting to realize it. When you hover it prevents your children from experiencing the challenges and successes that children need to experience in order for them to grow into stronger and confident adults prepared to face the world. It is painful when your child is the only person who isn't invited to a party but rather than confronting the other parent and making it a compulsory matter, you should teach your child how to handle disappointment in life.
The term "helicopter parent" is becoming all the more prevalent on today's college campuses. Many baby boomer tend to find themselves interfering with the lives of their children in every single way possible bothering everyone from room mates to professors down to prospective employers. This may sound like something out of a book but you'll hear of many parents attending interviews with college graduates and calling prospective employers to learn why their children didn't get a particular job.
Being involved in the life of your child is a good thing, but running all the aspects of the life of your child is something else entirely. One author Mel Levin was parents especially those who he feels are trying to create children that will be unable to handle the travails of life now and in the future.
How do you know when you're going too far as a parent? These are some simple signs that you may be turning into a helicopter parent.
When you find yourself interfering too much with your children when they are playing. Small children may do different things in order to get their own way; they will fight push, kick and scratch. This is a way that they learn what make ups acceptable social behavior and what doesn't.
*
Whenever you're constantly trying to fix the hurt feelings of your child you may be coming overbearing. No one can be completely happy all the time. You should no when to step in and when not to. A lot of disappointments occur in life and the sooner that your children cope with these disappointments the better for them and for you. Teach them how to handle their disappointments in a more productive way.
*
When you're always in contact with your child you may be turning into an overbearing parent. It's perfectly normal to want to know where your children are but when you feel the need to contact them on their phone several times a day, then it may be going too far. Let your children handle their own schedules on their own and deal with the consequences whenever they fail to comply with things like remembering their own homework.
*
If you feel terrible with yourself whenever your child doesn't succeed then you have a problem. Your sense of self worth shouldn't be based on the success of your child.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Rights of Children
Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.
July, 2001
Children have the right to:
1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.
2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided for.
4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parents' residences.
5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.
7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.
8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.
9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)
10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent's special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).
11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.
12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.
13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.
14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.
15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.
16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)
17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.
18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.
19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of anyone.
20. Be exposed to both parents' religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.
21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent's set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.)
22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.
23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.
24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent's home or asked to spy in the other parent's home.
25. Own pictures of both parents.
26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).
July, 2001
Children have the right to:
1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.
2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided for.
4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parents' residences.
5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.
7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.
8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.
9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)
10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent's special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).
11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.
12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.
13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.
14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.
15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.
16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)
17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.
18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.
19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of anyone.
20. Be exposed to both parents' religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.
21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent's set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.)
22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.
23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.
24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent's home or asked to spy in the other parent's home.
25. Own pictures of both parents.
26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).
Monday, January 21, 2008
Twelve Tips on How to Tell Your Children About Your Divorce
Rafael Richman, Ph.D.
The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below, however, you can find some tips and details to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier:
1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.
Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones (including your cell-phones), the television, and the computer.
Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.
2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.
Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.
3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.
It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense.
Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain.
For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”
4. Be brief and sincere.
It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.
5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.
Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.
6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.
7. Remember that each child is unique.
Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.
8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.
Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.
9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.
Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.
10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.
Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.
11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.
Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.
12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.
Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.
The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below, however, you can find some tips and details to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier:
1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.
Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones (including your cell-phones), the television, and the computer.
Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.
2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.
Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.
3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.
It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense.
Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain.
For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”
4. Be brief and sincere.
It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.
5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.
Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.
6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.
7. Remember that each child is unique.
Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.
8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.
Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.
9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.
Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.
10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.
Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.
11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.
Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.
12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.
Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.
Parental Divorce As Seen Through a Child’s Eye
Anxiety During the Divorce Process
Children are very likely to feel anxious about their future during the divorce process. A child’s mother, father, and home comprise of his or her world. This world suddenly seems to shatter at even the thought of parental separation. Children’s minds are very fragile and innocent. Therefore, rather than worrying about the big picture of future they tend to worry about things like who will get to keep the dog.
There is also a lot of anxiety associated with whom they will stay with after the divorce. This anxiety is likely to cause a lot of fear and depression in the child. Therefore, it would be best if you and your partner decide about the child’s living arrangement and let the child know about these arrangements. While telling a child about his or her future living arrangements is likely to reduce the anxiety in the child’s mind, the depression related to losing a parent will continue for a very long time.
Loss of a Parent
Children do not tend to view divorce as a mere separation of parents but rather as a loss of one parent. Children tend to attach a lot of importance to small things such as spending evenings with their parents, eating breakfast together with their parents, playing with their parents over the weekend, and the special weekend getaways.
All of a sudden the very parent whom they share these special and treasured moments with ceases to be a part of their daily life. In some cases, the non-custodial parent may not even be able to meet the children every weekend. Therefore, the non-custodial parent becomes a mere visitor who tends to spend some time with the children on a sporadic basis. This can have an adverse effect on the child’s relationship with the non-custodial parent.
The child may feel very helpless if he or she wants to spend more time with the non-custodial parent but is legally not allowed to do so. Some children are so young that do not even understand that the non-custodial parent will be visiting them regularly. In such cases, they feel abandoned by the leaving parent and this tends to hurt them deeply.
Children Tend to Feel Confused During the Divorce Process
Many children do not understand the rationale and logic behind divorce. Children want their parents to stay together for the rest of their lives because that is how they imagine their parents’ relationship to be. Therefore, when a child’s parents think about separation, they do not know how to react.
Children only see things in black and white and therefore start thinking who is to blame in the entire situation. They do not know where their loyalties lie and get very confused while determining whom to turn to for support. The insecurity that children feel during the divorce process is likely to make them feel very vulnerable. If the child thinks that one parent is to be blamed for the divorce, the child is highly likely to have bitter feelings for that parent for the rest of his or her life.
Children Blame Themselves for the Divorce
In most cases, children tend to think that divorce is a result of some wrong action committed from their end. Due to this reason, most children try to change their behaviour and actions to please their parents so that they would change their decision to divorce. Sometimes children resort to different measures to try to get their parents back together. However, when they realize that their attempts are useless, they get even more depressed because the eventuality of the situation starts dawning on them.
Children Tend to Feel Lonely During the Divorce Process
Divorce is a very tough time for children. There is so much going through their minds and if the children are very young, they do not know whom to reach out to for mental and physical comfort. Usually, parents tend to get so involved in the legal process and sorting out their own feelings that they are not able to give the child the extra attention that a child needs around this time. This can make the child feel very lonely. He or she is bound to keep his or her thoughts and feelings bottled up. However, doing so only makes the child even more lonely and depressed.
Children are very likely to feel anxious about their future during the divorce process. A child’s mother, father, and home comprise of his or her world. This world suddenly seems to shatter at even the thought of parental separation. Children’s minds are very fragile and innocent. Therefore, rather than worrying about the big picture of future they tend to worry about things like who will get to keep the dog.
There is also a lot of anxiety associated with whom they will stay with after the divorce. This anxiety is likely to cause a lot of fear and depression in the child. Therefore, it would be best if you and your partner decide about the child’s living arrangement and let the child know about these arrangements. While telling a child about his or her future living arrangements is likely to reduce the anxiety in the child’s mind, the depression related to losing a parent will continue for a very long time.
Loss of a Parent
Children do not tend to view divorce as a mere separation of parents but rather as a loss of one parent. Children tend to attach a lot of importance to small things such as spending evenings with their parents, eating breakfast together with their parents, playing with their parents over the weekend, and the special weekend getaways.
All of a sudden the very parent whom they share these special and treasured moments with ceases to be a part of their daily life. In some cases, the non-custodial parent may not even be able to meet the children every weekend. Therefore, the non-custodial parent becomes a mere visitor who tends to spend some time with the children on a sporadic basis. This can have an adverse effect on the child’s relationship with the non-custodial parent.
The child may feel very helpless if he or she wants to spend more time with the non-custodial parent but is legally not allowed to do so. Some children are so young that do not even understand that the non-custodial parent will be visiting them regularly. In such cases, they feel abandoned by the leaving parent and this tends to hurt them deeply.
Children Tend to Feel Confused During the Divorce Process
Many children do not understand the rationale and logic behind divorce. Children want their parents to stay together for the rest of their lives because that is how they imagine their parents’ relationship to be. Therefore, when a child’s parents think about separation, they do not know how to react.
Children only see things in black and white and therefore start thinking who is to blame in the entire situation. They do not know where their loyalties lie and get very confused while determining whom to turn to for support. The insecurity that children feel during the divorce process is likely to make them feel very vulnerable. If the child thinks that one parent is to be blamed for the divorce, the child is highly likely to have bitter feelings for that parent for the rest of his or her life.
Children Blame Themselves for the Divorce
In most cases, children tend to think that divorce is a result of some wrong action committed from their end. Due to this reason, most children try to change their behaviour and actions to please their parents so that they would change their decision to divorce. Sometimes children resort to different measures to try to get their parents back together. However, when they realize that their attempts are useless, they get even more depressed because the eventuality of the situation starts dawning on them.
Children Tend to Feel Lonely During the Divorce Process
Divorce is a very tough time for children. There is so much going through their minds and if the children are very young, they do not know whom to reach out to for mental and physical comfort. Usually, parents tend to get so involved in the legal process and sorting out their own feelings that they are not able to give the child the extra attention that a child needs around this time. This can make the child feel very lonely. He or she is bound to keep his or her thoughts and feelings bottled up. However, doing so only makes the child even more lonely and depressed.
Wheh Parents Fight
Chances are you've had an argument or twenty with your parents recently — about clothes, homework, friends, curfew — pretty much anything. But what's going on when your parents fight with each other?You may be a little relieved that, for once, you're not the one arguing with a parent. But most people worry when they hear their parents argue.
It's normal for parents to disagree and argue from time to time. They might disagree about important things like their careers, finances, or major family decisions. They might even disagree about little things that don't seem important at all — like what's for dinner or what time someone gets home.
Sometimes parents stay levelheaded when they disagree, and they allow each other a chance to listen and to talk. But many times when parents disagree, they argue.
What Does It Mean When Parents Fight?
When your parents are fighting, thoughts might start rushing around in your head: Why are they shouting at each other? Does this mean they don't love each other anymore? Are they going to get a divorce?
It can be easy to jump to conclusions when you hear parents argue. But most of the time, arguments are just a way to let off steam when parents have a bad day, don't feel well, or are under a lot of stress — kind of like when you argue with them.
Like you, when your parents get upset with each other they might yell, cry, or say things they don't really mean. Most people lose their cool now and then. So if your parents are fighting, don't always assume it means the worst.
It's OK for Parents to Argue Sometimes
It's natural for people to have different opinions, feelings, or approaches to things. Talking about these differences is a first step in working toward a mutually agreeable solution. It's important for people in a family to be able to tell each other how they feel and what they think, even when they disagree.
Sometimes parents can feel so strongly about their differences that it may lead to arguments. Most of the time, these arguments are over quickly, parents apologize and make up, and the family settles back into its usual routine.
When Parents' Fighting Goes Too Far
But sometimes when parents fight, there's too much yelling and screaming, name calling, and too many harsh things said. Although some parents may do this, it's not OK to treat people in the family with disrespect, use degrading or insulting language, or yell and scream at them.
Sometimes parents' fighting really goes too far, and includes pushing and shoving, throwing things, or hitting. Even if one parent is not physically injured, an argument has gone too far when one parent uses threats to try to control the other through fear. Examples include if a parent:
threatens to injure himself or herself
threatens to commit suicide
threatens to leave the other parent
threatens to report the other parent to welfare
destroys the other's property
These things are never OK. When fights get physical or involve threats, the people fighting need to learn to get their anger under control.
What About You?
It's hard for most people to hear their parents yelling at each other. Seeing them upset and out of control can throw you off — aren't parents supposed to be the calm, composed, and mature ones in the family? How much it bothers you might depend on how often it happens, how loud or intense things get, or whether parents argue in front of other people.
You might worry more about one parent or the other during an argument. It's natural to worry that a parent may feel especially hurt by what the other parent says. Or maybe you worry that one parent could become angry enough to lose control. Should you be worried that someone might get physically hurt? With all this extra mental and emotional stress, you may get a stomachache or want to go to your room and cry. It's understandable to feel this way when there's conflict around you.
If your parents are arguing about you, this can be especially upsetting. Lots of people in this situation might mistakenly think the argument is their fault. But your parents' arguments are never your fault.
If your parents' fighting really bothers you, you might find it hard to sleep or go to school. If this is the case, try talking to one or both of your parents about their behavior. They may not even realize how upset you are until you tell them how their arguments affect you.
If you or someone you know lives in a family where the fighting goes too far, let someone else know what's going on. Talking to other relatives, a teacher, a school counselor, or any adult you trust about the fighting can be helpful. Sometimes parents who fight can get so out of control that they hurt each other or other family members. If this happens, letting someone else know will allow the family to be helped and protected from such harmful fighting.
Family members can learn to listen to each other and talk about feelings and differences without yelling and screaming. They can get help with problem fighting from counselors and therapists. Though it may take some work, time, and practice, people in families can always learn to get along better.
Happy, Healthy Families
If your family argues from time to time, try not to sweat it: No family is perfect. Even in the happiest home, problems pop up and people argue. Usually the family members involved get what's bothering them out in the open and talk about it. Hopefully, they can reach some compromise or agreement. Everyone feels better and life can get back to normal.
Being part of a family means everyone pitches in and tries to make life better for each other. Arguments happen and that's OK. But with love, understanding, and some work, families can solve almost any problem.
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: June 2006
How To Deal With Stepparents
Shelly just knew. When her father took her to their favorite coffee shop for what he called a "very important talk," Shelly's instincts told her that her dad was getting married again. After he broke the news to her, though, Shelly's father surprised her by asking how she felt about having a stepmother.Shelly didn't have an immediate answer. Her father's announcement triggered a range of emotions — a little jealousy about her father's new wife, lingering sadness over her parents' divorce 3 years before, and feelings of insecurity over just where she fit into her dad's new life. Shelly realized she hadn't really thought about the day-to-day realities of having a stepmom — or being a stepdaughter, for that matter.
Lots of Shelly's ninth-grade friends have stepparents. After all, statistics show that one third of all children are likely to spend some time in a stepfamily while growing up. Like anyone with a TV, Shelly had seen her share of pop culture stereotypes, ranging from to the disinterested, self-absorbed stepmother to the overeager one who tries too hard. She wondered how it would be for her.
When a Stepparent Enters the Picture
In some families, new adults and kids seem to slip in effortlessly, as though they have been there all along. Everyone gets along well — one big happy family, just like on "The Brady Bunch."
But some families brought together through marriage can be so different that the best everyone can do is grit their teeth and work extremely hard to get through a weekend together.
Building a relationship with a stepparent can be quite different from building other new relationships. After all, when you meet a new friend or love interest, you are the one deciding if that person will have a role in your life. You get to introduce these new people into your life gradually, taking time to decide how they fit and how you really feel about them.
A stepparent is different; he or she is someone your mom or dad has invited into the family. Sometimes a stepparent can feel like a stranger who is suddenly inserted into the most personal aspects of your life. The pressure to get along can be intense.
Because everyone's situation is different, there are no easy answers to accepting a stepparent. Some people find themselves with new stepparents after a parent has died, others after parents have divorced. Some parents take years to meet and marry other people; some remarry almost immediately.
When a parent remarries, you may find yourself with an instant family of stepsiblings or, after a few years, with younger half brothers or sisters.
Although every family is different, there are some things that can help you deal with a new stepparent.
Dealing With Feelings
One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to recognize that you'll have plenty of feelings about your new situation, and some of these may conflict. For example, even when someone likes a new stepparent, it's natural to feel some pangs that this new person is "replacing" a beloved parent in some way.
Change — good or bad — is difficult. Even if you don't have negative feelings about the new person in your family, you may have very strong feelings about the changes a stepparent is creating.
At some point, you're probably going to feel confused, conflicted about your loyalties, angry, and possibly sad. Here are a couple of things to try that may help put your feelings into focus:
Keep a journal. Write down how you feel about the changes in your life. Make a list of pros and cons to see how they compare. Then check back in 6 months and do the list again. This can help you track how things may have changed. Sometimes, when time has passed, you can see a situation in a different way.
Seek support from a friend. Some of your close, trusted friends may have their own stepparent experiences that can help you feel you're not alone. Friends also can share tips on what they did in situations similar to yours — everything from sharing a room with a new stepsibling to juggling computer time. Even if your friends' situations are different (just because your best friend doesn't get along with his or her stepparents, that's not a hard and fast rule for anyone else), it always helps to have a sympathetic ear.
Talk to your parent or another trusted adult about how you're feeling. It's important to share your fears, feelings, and frustrations with an adult you trust — no matter how crazy you may think these feelings are. Don't be afraid that something you say will cause hurt feelings or make you seem like a problem. An adult who loves you will want to help.
If your parent is too wrapped up in the new relationship to help you work through your feelings (yes, parents can be selfish sometimes), then look for a group at school or in your community where you can vent. Or talk to a teacher or a guidance counselor about what's going on in your life. Mental health professionals, such as social workers or therapists, are trained to help people sort out the conflicting mix of feelings that can accompany a parent's remarriage.
Entering a stepparent situation can be particularly challenging for teens. Feeling like your family life has been disrupted can be especially difficult because of all the other changes that take place during the teenage years — everything from the emotional growth involved in becoming an adult to the hormonal changes triggered by puberty. If you find that your new situation has left you feeling sad most of the time, or you just can't shake the blues, you may want to talk to a doctor or therapist.
Facing the Realities
So what can you do to adjust to the daily realities of living with a stepparent? Instead of worrying about the "what ifs" and the inevitable changes, talk to your mom or dad about what to expect before your new stepparent joins the family. That way, you can be prepared for, rather than mortified by, what lies ahead. For example, figure out ahead of time what to call your stepparent. Ask about holiday plans and who's giving presents to whom. If your house is about to explode with new people, find out how this affects you and that spare room where you listen to music.
Don't be afraid to ask questions as they come to mind. Your parents and new stepparent may not have thought about the things you're asking either, so there's an opportunity to explore options together. And if there's something you absolutely don't want to change, try to negotiate. For example, if you and your dad always go fishing over Thanksgiving but your mom made plans for you to spend the holiday with her new husband's family, she may not realize how important the fishing trip is to you.
What about those times when you flat out disagree with a stepparent? You'll have a better chance of getting what you want if you disagree without disrespect.
Explain your feelings calmly and rationally. For example, if you have a new half-brother or -sister and you feel like you're constantly being expected to babysit at the last minute, talk it over with your stepparent before the situation gets to the stage where you feel taken advantage of. Present your side — maybe you have to study for a test or you already made plans with friends and they're relying on you. Then listen to the other person's perspective.
If you're particularly mad about something, it can feel hard not to lose control. But managing your anger and taking extra care to choose respectful language will help your stepparent see you for the mature person you are, not as a child.
Find a way to get to know the new stepparent in your life. Suggest a bike ride or go to a movie together. It may not be easy, but you can use the same relationship and communication skills you would use to make anyone feel welcome. It may help to remember that your stepparent is walking into a new situation, too. He or she could feel just as nervous and confused as you do.
Expect some rough spots. You know that establishing a good relationship takes time. Your new life won't always be smooth, so be ready to make some compromises. The good thing is, the ups and downs of adjusting to a new family situation can offer some really great life lessons. Many people look back on their experiences getting to know new family members and realize they learned some great relationship (and negotiating!) skills in the process.
Remind yourself that every situation is different. There's no real script for a new family that's being pulled together from all sorts of directions. Be open to lots of possibilities. And savor the good moments. Although change is often difficult, it can be good, too.
Three months after her dad remarried, Shelly was beginning to enjoy the time she spent with her father and stepmother. She couldn't help but see how happy her dad was — especially when the three of them did things together. And when she needed some alone time for just the two of them, she and her dad headed to the coffee shop. Despite all the changes in their lives, some things didn't change between Shelly and her dad — like the fact he thought there was way too much sugar and caffeine in the frozen mocha cappuccino and always made her pick something else.
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: November 2006
Talking To Parents or Other Adults
Your classmate said "yes" to a date, and tonight's the big night. Suddenly you're feeling nervous — and could use a word of encouragement. You got the lead in the school play and you can't wait to tell someone how excited you are. You didn't make the final cut for the team and need some moral support. Who's the first person you go to at moments like this? If you're like most guys and girls, you're more likely to share your feelings with a friend than your parents.When you were younger, your mom and dad were the first people you shared your good news with — and your problems. So what happened? Why is it that talking with your parents was so easy then and yet it's so hard now?
Changes That Affect Communication During Adolescence
It's not just your body that develops during puberty. Your mind is growing too. And this emotional development affects your relationships — all of them. Just as you've noticed how some friendships deepen whereas others end, the longstanding relationships you have with people like parents are going to change too. It's all about establishing the unique identity and interests that will turn you into an independent, self-reliant adult.
People's minds develop in several ways during their teenage years. Not only is this a time when you develop better problem-solving skills and the ability to make responsible choices, you're also examining different values and beliefs and engaging in more self-discovery than at any other time in your life.
It's not hard to see how these changes can affect relationships with adults: You're more confident in your ability to decide things for yourself and resolve problems on your own, but your parents may still see you as the little kid who relied on them to make all the decisions. You're trying out new approaches to life and beliefs, but these may not be the same as those held by your parents. Although it's important for teens to separate themselves from their parents as a way of discovering their own identity, the separation process is a delicate balance. And it's one of the biggest times of conflict between a parent and child.
To achieve a sense of separation, some guys and girls may find themselves disagreeing with, clashing with, and rebelling against their parents for a time. Others may want to voice their opinions but keep them suppressed because they don't want to upset a parent or other authority figure. All of these changes can feel confusing to someone who's used to having a close relationship with a parent or other adult. So how can you make sure your voice is not only heard but listened to?
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
The best tool you can use in communicating with parents — or any adult — is to keep talking to them, no matter what. Strong relationships depend heavily on keeping the lines of communication open (think of your close friends and how much you talk). Try to talk about everyday stuff with your parents as a way of building a connection. That doesn't mean telling them everything. In fact, turn the focus onto them for a change: Ask about their day — just as they do with you.
David found out firsthand how a lack of communication can grow into bigger problems. When he casually mentioned at dinner that he was thinking of trying out for the school play, his mom kept asking about it for weeks. To David, it seemed like she just couldn't let up, and her endless questions added to the pressure he placed on himself to do well. It also felt like she was getting too involved in something he wanted to do himself. He didn't want to share every detail with his mom like he might have when he was young. Instead of telling his mom how he felt, David decided it would be easier not to fill her in on anything he was doing in future. Unfortunately, this built into a trust barrier between the two of them.
What David didn't realize is that his mom wasn't intending to pressure him. She was genuinely interested in his activities and wanted to show her support — and she had no idea that David found her questions intrusive. Because they didn't talk about it, their misunderstanding grew. When David stopped talking to his mom about his friends and activities, his mother assumed he was hiding something. She began setting up curfews and limits that David found unreasonable.
A better approach for David would have been to talk to his mom, rationally, about the pressure he was feeling. Your parents may have understood you really well as a little kid, but don't assume this carries over to your life as a teenager. Tell them — as kindly as you can — how you feel about things.
Another way to get a parent to ask fewer questions is to offer some information on your own. This puts the communication in your hands. The more you keep adults informed about everyday things — even seemingly routine things like who drove you to soccer practice — the less they need to ask. Communicating everyday things has another advantage: It can show your parents that you're mature and responsible enough to make good decisions.
For example, Mandy knew her parents would wonder why she'd decided to ride to practice with Jenna instead of Sam, her usual driver. But when she told them she'd made the decision because Sam drove too fast, her parents appreciated her good judgment.
It won't always be easy. You may get frustrated at times. But try not to give up. It may take a bit for a parent who is used to making all the decisions to adjust to the independent-thinking person their child is becoming. Parents also don't want to see their sons and daughters suffer if the choices they make on their own aren't the "right" ones. To many parents, it seems easier to step in and take control simply because they believe their years of experience put them in a better position to make decisions. If you feel that's the case with your parents, talk to them about it.
Disagree Without Disrespect
Parents are only human, and they can feel offended when their views are challenged. Parents can take their teen's disagreement personally, especially if you question values that your parents hold dear, such as political or religious beliefs. So what can you do to get your points across in a way that doesn't turn ugly? Remember this motto: "Disagree without disrespect."
Using respectful language and behavior in your everyday interactions is important. Resist the temptation to use sarcasm, yell, or put down your parents and you'll have a much better chance of getting what you want.
Nonverbal actions reinforce respectful language and show that you mean what you say. If you're helpful and considerate toward family members, teachers, or coaches in your everyday actions, it demonstrates respect and helps establish a foundation for those times when you may disagree. Plus, acting respectfully demonstrates maturity. Parents are more likely to think of their children as grown up — and, as a result, capable of making more important decisions — when they see them acting maturely.
How to Disagree With Your Parents
Of course, some parents are better than others at helping you to communicate well. Parents can help by listening to and respecting a teen's point of view, even if it opposes their own. If your parents just don't seem to be on the same track as you, try these tips for disagreeing constructively:
Don't make it personal. If you get upset, try to remember you're mad at the idea or concept your parent or another adult is raising, not the person.
Avoid putting down your parents' ideas and beliefs. Instead of saying "That's a stupid idea," try "I don't agree, and here's why."
Use "I" statements to communicate how you feel, what you think, and what you want or need. Using "you" statements can sound argumentative. For example, telling your mom or dad, "You always remind me about my chores on Wednesdays when you know I have a lot of homework" has a very different tone from "I'm feeling pressured because I have a lot of homework tonight. Can I do those chores tomorrow?"
Listen to the other point of view. Doing so makes it more likely that a parent or adult will listen to yours.
Raising Difficult Issues
Your coach hit you. Someone in your group has been arrested for shoplifting. Your best friend tried to commit suicide: There are times when you'll need help from your parents — if you're in trouble, want advice or guidance, or are having trouble managing emotions or dealing with a difficult experience.
Raising sensitive topics can be difficult, but sometimes a parent knows you better than you think. And teens who have already built good communication habits with their parents will have an easier time talking to them about the tough issues.
Here are some strategies for approaching your parents (or any adult) with a difficult issue:
Plan what you want to say ahead of time. Thinking the issue over beforehand or writing notes will help you manage the conversation. Write down the three most important things you want your parents to know (many adults use this technique too; it's a great way to prioritize and focus the conversation on what's important). You may also want to think about how your parents might react and plan the most effective response.
Let them know directly that there's something you'd like to discuss. To be sure you have their full attention, be direct in your language. Say, "There's something important I want to talk to you about" instead of "Hey, when you have a moment I'd like to talk." Of course, if the issue you have is an emergency, you'll need to address your concern quickly. Prepare them for the conversation by telling them you need their attention on something that's urgent.
Pick a good time to talk. Try to approach them at a time when you know they'll be less busy and more able to focus on you. You may even want to ask if they could set aside an hour or so to talk at a particular time so that you know you have their undivided attention.
Write it down. Some people find it easier to put their ideas into a letter. Let the other person read it and then have your discussion.
Talking to Other Adults
No matter how good your relationship is with your parents, there will be times when you'll feel more comfortable confiding in or asking for help from other adults. If you'd rather not ask your parents about a particular issue (like sex), if you feel you're being abused by a parent, or if you'd just like to talk to someone else first, there are always other resources. Most adults will keep your conversations confidential if you ask them to, unless they fear that your health or well-being may be in jeopardy.
If you're having problems with friends, schoolwork, teachers, or your parents, consider talking to your school guidance counselor. These counselors are specially trained to talk privately with you and to provide help and support in these types of situations. A guidance counselor can also refer a teen to a professional therapist in cases where this might be beneficial.
For medical concerns and questions about sex, try talking to your school nurse, health education teacher, family doctor, an adolescent doctor (a doctor who specializes in treating adolescents and teens), or a gynecologist.
Other family members, such as an aunt, uncle, or older sibling, can help provide wisdom or comfort when it's needed. Parents of a close friend may also be able to help. (They may even be able to ease your parents' fears about certain issues — like dating, going to a co-ed party, or sleeping over at a new friend's house.)
If you're involved in a church group or belong to a synagogue or mosque, your spiritual or youth group leader may also be a good source of comfort and advice. And if you're involved in an extracurricular activity, such as sports or drama, you may feel close enough to your coach or advisor to ask him or her about the more personal stuff.
Even if you'd rather talk to friends about certain things, there are times when talking to parents or other adults is a necessity. If you think you're in danger physically or mentally, talking to a responsible adult is important. And if you're concerned about a friend with a serious problem, don't worry about getting him or her in trouble. Waiting for the "right time" could be too late for someone who is suicidal, has an eating disorder, or is being abused. An adult may have more experience, be able to contact the right person, or find the best resources to get help.
Communicating with your parents may seem difficult right now, but chances are it will get easier with time. When this period of growth is over, it's likely you'll return to feeling close to your parents and that you'll communicate with them on a new level.
Reviewed by: Neil Izenberg, MD
Date reviewed: August 2006
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The Moving Blues
Heather didn't want to move. It had been hard enough to make the transition from junior high to high school, especially when many of her friends went to different schools. Now she liked her friends, she liked her school, and she liked her routine. She didn't want to leave the big city for a small town and felt angry with her parents and out of step with everyone else.
These feelings are common for teens who have to move. It isn't easy for anyone to pack up and leave everything that is familiar and try to fit into a new environment. But it's especially hard during a time in your life when there are already so many physical and emotional changes taking place.
Why Do I Feel Upset About Moving?
Experts consider moving to be one of the major stresses in life. Leaving behind friends, familiar places, and activities creates anxiety for everyone involved — parents included. And it's hard work to pack and prepare for a move and then settle into a new home.
The reasons behind a move may be upsetting, too, and that can add to the stress. A parent may be forced to take a job in a new town because of company layoffs or staff reorganizations. Sometimes a death or divorce in the family can lead to a move, or your family may have to move to take care of a sick family member, such as a grandparent.
During the busy, stressful time of planning, preparing, and packing for a move, your mom or dad may be too preoccupied to realize how the change is affecting you. They may not even realize you are unhappy if you don't discuss it with them. Be open with your parents and try to talk reasonably about the move and how it is affecting you. Your parents or siblings may have the same concerns or fears.
A move can lead some people to become depressed. If you find that you can't shake feelings of sadness or anxiety, talk to an adult. Don't worry that your parents are too focused on organizing their own lives and don't worry that you'll be bothering them. Most parents appreciate knowing how you feel. Or you can talk to your brother or sister or a school counselor. Not dealing with feelings now may lead to problems later (the same is true of masking emotions with alcohol or drugs).
It can help to remember that the problems involved in moving are always temporary. People usually feel better once they've had time to settle in.
What to Expect
Even when the reasons for a move are good (such as a promotion or better job for a parent) and you're excited about it, it's still a good idea to be prepared for unexpected changes. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement and expect everything to be perfect. Ali remembers her move to Germany. Like many military families, she'd moved many times before so it seemed like no big deal. In fact, Ali was so excited at the prospect of living abroad that she didn't think about the challenges involved in living in a place where she didn't speak the language. She was also surprised by some of the cultural differences — things she hadn't anticipated because she'd assumed that Germany would be pretty much like the United States. Today she says she makes a list of positives and negatives before she moves to help keep her expectations realistic.
One unexpected difference may be school. It's easy to assume that one school is pretty much like another, but your new school may not use the same textbooks or procedures. Some of your classes may be different, or the teacher may have already covered topics you haven't learned about yet. It can be particularly hard if you're moving in the middle of a school year, but your teachers will understand and work with you to be sure you feel comfortable.
It's common for people who move to feel like they're starting all over again. You have to learn new streets, new faces, and new ways of doing things. In your new home, the kids may dress or speak differently. The slang and accents may sound different in your new community, depending on how far you move. It's natural for people to feel out of place in a new situation where they don't know the customs and rules.
Making the Best of It
Although there is no way to eliminate the anxiety of moving, there are many ways to make the move easier. Before you even begin packing, you can start to get to know your new home. The Internet and library may contain lots of good information about your new community. Make a list of your interests and hobbies, and then find the locations and phone numbers of places where those activities take place. When you're visiting your new school, find out if there are deadlines for activities such as cheerleading, sports, and the yearbook committee and see if you can still join.
A new place seems more familiar, and it's easier to make friends, when you can participate in a common interest with people who do the things you enjoy.
Look for opportunities to try new activities as well. If you have a job, look up potential employment resources in your new city. Ask your current boss to write a reference letter for you. If you work for a food chain or a chain of stores, you might be able to arrange a transfer and have a job waiting for you.
See if you can get a city map and highlight where you will be living, where your new school is, and the location of places of worship, movie theaters, skate parks, and other places you like to go. Ask if your realtor can videotape your new house if you haven't been able to see it yet (some realtors post indoor and outdoor pictures of properties online).
It can help to learn about what makes your new city or town unique. Share the information with your friends and make them feel part of your moving experience. Soon you will feel like you already know your new community.
Packing It Up
You can pick up a copy of the United States Postal Service Mover's Guide in any post office or online; it will give you and your parents some tips. The guide includes change of address forms, a checklist of things to do, and suggestions for a survival kit that will contain items you may need to have at hand and might otherwise be packed out of reach during the move.
You can help — and feel more in control — by making a list of things that need to be done before the move. Offer to help your parents with some of their items. The more you participate and keep busy, the more it will feel like your own experience rather than something that is being done to you. For example, you can organize a yard sale to sell the stuff you don't want to take with you. You may find that friends and neighbors are interested in participating in a yard sale, too.
As soon as you know you are moving, start preparing by:
sorting out clothes and giving away items that you aren't going to take
packing away items you are going to take, but won't need until after you've moved
spreading out the chores you have to do so you won't be overwhelmed during the last few days
cleaning up your room or any other areas you are responsible for to make packing easier
labeling your boxes so you can easily identify where things are when you get to your new home
Keeping in Touch
One of the fears of moving is losing old friends. Remember your friends when you get to your new destination by putting pictures in an album or scrapbook or in frames that you can put up around your new room. Print out copies of pictures for your friends to keep, too.
Saying goodbye is never easy, but it doesn't mean it's forever. Luckily, today it's easier than ever to stay in touch with email, instant messaging, and cell phones. Send pictures — even videos — back and forth. Share interesting information about the differences, both good and bad, between your old home and your new place. You might be able to plan summer visits to see old friends or for a friend to visit you.
Moving is hard, but you may discover that it has taught you some valuable skills: how to make new friends, be flexible, and find your way around strange places. Although learning these lessons can feel tough at the time, once you've settled in, you may find you like the new place better. And be sure to say "hi" to the next new kid in town — you may be able to teach him or her a thing or two.
Reviewed by: Jennifer Shroff Pendley, PhD
Date reviewed: October 2004
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
For many people, their parents' divorce marks a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now.
About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so children of divorce are certainly not alone. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of what it all means. It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they married has changed. Divorce can also be because one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it is due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling.
It's common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault, but nothing could be further from the truth. Some teens may wonder if they could have helped to prevent the split. Others may wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.
If your parents are divorcing, you may experience a lots of feelings. Your emotions may change frequently, too. You may feel angry, frustrated, upset, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You may also feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension at home. These feelings are normal and talking about them with a friend, family member or trusted adult can really help.
How Will Divorce Change My Life?
Depending on what happens in your family, you may have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another.
Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You may end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly.
Some teens have to travel between parents, and that may create challenges both socially and practically. But with time you can create a new routine that works. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and let families figure out what works best.
Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.
Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.
What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make Divorce Easier
Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel.
Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take sides." You need to feel free to relate to one parent without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for anyone to feel that relating to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.
When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids. Kids and teens can also benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup.
Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick email saying "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.
Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, like games, meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.
Talk about the future. Lots of teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things.
Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don't worry about putting added stress on your parents. It's better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.
Figure out your strengths. How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that problems will magically disappear? A life-changing event like a divorce can put people through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put in place some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it calmly with your mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them you have a right to love both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other.
If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — like from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same. If things get too hard at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down. Take care of yourself by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters!
Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one. Many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.
Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You may even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.
Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together. Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.
Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings, some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most teens who go through a divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully. Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.
Reviewed by: Michelle New, PhD
Date reviewed: August 2007
Originally reviewed by: Ken L. Cheyne, MD
About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so children of divorce are certainly not alone. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of what it all means. It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they married has changed. Divorce can also be because one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it is due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling.
It's common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault, but nothing could be further from the truth. Some teens may wonder if they could have helped to prevent the split. Others may wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.
If your parents are divorcing, you may experience a lots of feelings. Your emotions may change frequently, too. You may feel angry, frustrated, upset, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You may also feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension at home. These feelings are normal and talking about them with a friend, family member or trusted adult can really help.
How Will Divorce Change My Life?
Depending on what happens in your family, you may have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another.
Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You may end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly.
Some teens have to travel between parents, and that may create challenges both socially and practically. But with time you can create a new routine that works. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and let families figure out what works best.
Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.
Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.
What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make Divorce Easier
Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel.
Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take sides." You need to feel free to relate to one parent without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for anyone to feel that relating to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.
When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids. Kids and teens can also benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup.
Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick email saying "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.
Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, like games, meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.
Talk about the future. Lots of teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things.
Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don't worry about putting added stress on your parents. It's better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.
Figure out your strengths. How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that problems will magically disappear? A life-changing event like a divorce can put people through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put in place some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it calmly with your mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them you have a right to love both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other.
If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — like from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same. If things get too hard at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down. Take care of yourself by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters!
Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one. Many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.
Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You may even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.
Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together. Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.
Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings, some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most teens who go through a divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully. Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.
Reviewed by: Michelle New, PhD
Date reviewed: August 2007
Originally reviewed by: Ken L. Cheyne, MD
What to Do - and Not Do Regarding Kids and Your Divorce
Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT
Once you've had the initial conversation telling your children about the impending separation or divorce, your responsibilities are far from over. There must be a continuous open dialogue as questions and issues come up. Some of the most important concepts to discuss with your child are:
[ ] Answer questions appropriately and compassionately, and show
optimism. ("Things may be difficult now, but they will get better,
one day at a time.")
[ ] Avoid any unnecessary questioning or probing regarding the other
parent's life, or talk that would create loyalty conflicts for your child.
(Example: "I don't want you to feel like you're betraying your
father/mother or like you're spying, but tell me....")
[ ] To control your child, never say that you are leaving or that because
of your child's misbehavior is why the other parent left. And never use
fear as a method of discipline or control. (Negative consequences? Yes.
Fear? No.)
[ ] Be careful not to give hope of reconciliation to your child. This only
prolongs confusion, plays havoc with your child's emotions and may lead
to more behavior problems.
[ ] Don't "label" your child (a liar, brat, bad, problemed) or say, "You're just like
your mother/father." Children tend to become what they are labeled,
or fear that if they are "just like Mom/Dad," then maybe you could leave
them too.
[ ] If you are moving to a new home with your child, walk around the
neighborhood together, talk and show him/her where everything is. If you
do not have custody, show your child where he/she can have a special
place or room to put belongings when staying over. A sense of belonging
is important in both homes.
[ ] Create a new family context and concept. ("I know that's how it use to be
when Mommy and Daddy were together, but things are different now and
here is what I want....")
[ ] Explain how your child is now part of two house-holds or families and what
some of the positive aspects to this can be (more friends, double holiday
celebrations, new experiences, less fighting, etc.). Explain your system
of doing things while conveying respect for compliance with the other
parent's way of doing things. Mutual support is better than undermining
each other as parents. You can work out disagreements with the other
parent in private.
[ ] Be careful not to introduce too many changes at once or too quickly.
Stability is important.
[ ] Encourage communication between your child and the other parent
without pushing it, especially if you sense a problem between them that
needs to be talked about. At times, you may have to speak up on your
child's behalf.
[ ] Allow some privacy and "alone time" for your child to just be by him/herself.
[ ] Do your part in your child's being available and on time for any appointments
with the other parent. If a schedule change must be made, be sure that
the appropriate parent and your child is notified as soon as possible to
avoid anyone feeling slighted or rejected.
[ ] Do not try to punish the other parent by putting him/her down or by
creating problems regarding "visitation." If you are angry, attempt other
ways of handling it. In trying to punish each other, parents usually
end up hurting their child far worse then the other parent. Attempt to
discuss, cooperatively, any problems regarding visitations or child rearing
issues without putting your child in the middle.
[ ] It is important for both parents to be parents and not for one to be
the "disciplinarian" and the other the "entertainer." Or, don't allow one
parent to be the"good guy" and one the "bad guy."
[ ] Allow your child to brag about or build up the other parent even if you know
it to be an exaggeration or even untrue. If it is important for you to set
your child straight on certain matters regarding the other parent, do so gently
and kindly. The truth may be difficult for your child to live with and may
feel quite threatening. Your child needs time to "see" matters clearly.
Don't force it the issue. A neutral position may be to simply say, "You really
love your Mother/Father, don't you?" Or, "I don't know if I like your
Mother/Father taking you to __________ , but it sounds like you had a real
good time and I'm glad."
* * *
C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Once you've had the initial conversation telling your children about the impending separation or divorce, your responsibilities are far from over. There must be a continuous open dialogue as questions and issues come up. Some of the most important concepts to discuss with your child are:
[ ] Answer questions appropriately and compassionately, and show
optimism. ("Things may be difficult now, but they will get better,
one day at a time.")
[ ] Avoid any unnecessary questioning or probing regarding the other
parent's life, or talk that would create loyalty conflicts for your child.
(Example: "I don't want you to feel like you're betraying your
father/mother or like you're spying, but tell me....")
[ ] To control your child, never say that you are leaving or that because
of your child's misbehavior is why the other parent left. And never use
fear as a method of discipline or control. (Negative consequences? Yes.
Fear? No.)
[ ] Be careful not to give hope of reconciliation to your child. This only
prolongs confusion, plays havoc with your child's emotions and may lead
to more behavior problems.
[ ] Don't "label" your child (a liar, brat, bad, problemed) or say, "You're just like
your mother/father." Children tend to become what they are labeled,
or fear that if they are "just like Mom/Dad," then maybe you could leave
them too.
[ ] If you are moving to a new home with your child, walk around the
neighborhood together, talk and show him/her where everything is. If you
do not have custody, show your child where he/she can have a special
place or room to put belongings when staying over. A sense of belonging
is important in both homes.
[ ] Create a new family context and concept. ("I know that's how it use to be
when Mommy and Daddy were together, but things are different now and
here is what I want....")
[ ] Explain how your child is now part of two house-holds or families and what
some of the positive aspects to this can be (more friends, double holiday
celebrations, new experiences, less fighting, etc.). Explain your system
of doing things while conveying respect for compliance with the other
parent's way of doing things. Mutual support is better than undermining
each other as parents. You can work out disagreements with the other
parent in private.
[ ] Be careful not to introduce too many changes at once or too quickly.
Stability is important.
[ ] Encourage communication between your child and the other parent
without pushing it, especially if you sense a problem between them that
needs to be talked about. At times, you may have to speak up on your
child's behalf.
[ ] Allow some privacy and "alone time" for your child to just be by him/herself.
[ ] Do your part in your child's being available and on time for any appointments
with the other parent. If a schedule change must be made, be sure that
the appropriate parent and your child is notified as soon as possible to
avoid anyone feeling slighted or rejected.
[ ] Do not try to punish the other parent by putting him/her down or by
creating problems regarding "visitation." If you are angry, attempt other
ways of handling it. In trying to punish each other, parents usually
end up hurting their child far worse then the other parent. Attempt to
discuss, cooperatively, any problems regarding visitations or child rearing
issues without putting your child in the middle.
[ ] It is important for both parents to be parents and not for one to be
the "disciplinarian" and the other the "entertainer." Or, don't allow one
parent to be the"good guy" and one the "bad guy."
[ ] Allow your child to brag about or build up the other parent even if you know
it to be an exaggeration or even untrue. If it is important for you to set
your child straight on certain matters regarding the other parent, do so gently
and kindly. The truth may be difficult for your child to live with and may
feel quite threatening. Your child needs time to "see" matters clearly.
Don't force it the issue. A neutral position may be to simply say, "You really
love your Mother/Father, don't you?" Or, "I don't know if I like your
Mother/Father taking you to __________ , but it sounds like you had a real
good time and I'm glad."
* * *
C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Protecting Our Children: During and After Divorce
Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT
As you may know, there are times in a child's life when he/she favors or feels closer to one parent than to the other and may have strong, possessive feelings toward that parent. Fantasy is very important at a young age and you may observe your child's "playing house" and pretending to be "the parent" or even saying that he/she wishes that he/she could marry Mommy/Daddy. This is all a quite natural fantasy and even helps prepare the child for future man-woman relationships. (After all, the first important man and woman in our lives is our parents.)
When divorce occurs, this normal stage of child development is disrupted and difficulties can arise. Children typically blame themselves for divorce (magical thinking) and may imagine that their feelings of intense closeness, love, possessiveness or favoritism for one parent is what drove both parents apart -- that the child caused feelings of competition and jealousy between the parents which created the separation.
Explain to your child that whatever feelings he/she may have had in no way could have caused your divorce. The feelings of a child (positive or negative) toward a parent cannot CAUSE anything, including a divorce. It would be harmful and overwhelming for your child to believe that they could.
Another difficulty can arise when a child feels compelled to take the place of the absent parent by assuming the role of that parent. "Playing house" is one thing, becoming Mom or Dad is quite another. Not only will the child feel overwhelmed in being expected to fulfill the needs of one parent, but guilty for having "replaced" (betrayed) the other. Helping Mom or Dad with chores around the house is fine; becoming the parent by constantly assuming that role is something else.
Resist the temptation of becoming too personal in your conversations with your child regarding your life and the absent parent's life. Know the difference between adult-to-adult conversation and parent-to-child conversation. Don't expect much comfort, support and solace from your child. Though you may receive some of this on a childish level and it may feel good, your real needs for comforting must come elsewhere from other adults.
Matters in this area may become even more serious if there is any inappropriate touching, sexual contact or seductiveness on the part of either parent with the child. This does sometimes occur and I cannot over-stress the traumatic results that can occur (whether apparent or not). Being compassionate and affectionate with one's child is important and encouraged. Being sexual is NEVER appropriate -- not ever! Even joking or insinuating being sexual ("You know you're the only one for me. You're my little lover. We don't need anyone else, do we?") can be harmful. It's playing with emotional dynamite. I write this for those of you who may have good intentions but do not realize just how silently damaging this can be for a child.
If you have any questions or are not quite sure about what is appropriate and what isn't, please call, anonymously, any local counseling center (Yellow Pages under Psychologists, Marriage and Family Therapists, Mental Health Counselors, or Social Workers) or this national information number: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
If you have been touching your child in any type of sexual manner, please call a professional for assistance. It may feel embarrassing, but most counselors and therapists are very familiar with this kind of situation, will understand and be glad to answer your questions. Your child's mental health will literally depend upon your phone call.
Remember, a child is supposed to feel secure in the knowledge that his/her "playing house" fantasies regarding a parent or imagining "marrying" Mommy or Daddy is just that, a FANTASY with no chance of it ACTUALLY occurring in real life. If there is sexual misconduct by a parent (or even if it is implied), the child faces an overwhelming reality from which he/she should have been protected.
Though it is certainly important to cuddle, hold and love one's child, adult emotional needs should be satisfied by other adults, or else by no one at all. Rather than feeling like "the little man or little woman of the house," your child needs to feel protected as "the little child of the house." Without this protection, your child may never feel safe in an intimate relationship as an adult.
* * *
C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
As you may know, there are times in a child's life when he/she favors or feels closer to one parent than to the other and may have strong, possessive feelings toward that parent. Fantasy is very important at a young age and you may observe your child's "playing house" and pretending to be "the parent" or even saying that he/she wishes that he/she could marry Mommy/Daddy. This is all a quite natural fantasy and even helps prepare the child for future man-woman relationships. (After all, the first important man and woman in our lives is our parents.)
When divorce occurs, this normal stage of child development is disrupted and difficulties can arise. Children typically blame themselves for divorce (magical thinking) and may imagine that their feelings of intense closeness, love, possessiveness or favoritism for one parent is what drove both parents apart -- that the child caused feelings of competition and jealousy between the parents which created the separation.
Explain to your child that whatever feelings he/she may have had in no way could have caused your divorce. The feelings of a child (positive or negative) toward a parent cannot CAUSE anything, including a divorce. It would be harmful and overwhelming for your child to believe that they could.
Another difficulty can arise when a child feels compelled to take the place of the absent parent by assuming the role of that parent. "Playing house" is one thing, becoming Mom or Dad is quite another. Not only will the child feel overwhelmed in being expected to fulfill the needs of one parent, but guilty for having "replaced" (betrayed) the other. Helping Mom or Dad with chores around the house is fine; becoming the parent by constantly assuming that role is something else.
Resist the temptation of becoming too personal in your conversations with your child regarding your life and the absent parent's life. Know the difference between adult-to-adult conversation and parent-to-child conversation. Don't expect much comfort, support and solace from your child. Though you may receive some of this on a childish level and it may feel good, your real needs for comforting must come elsewhere from other adults.
Matters in this area may become even more serious if there is any inappropriate touching, sexual contact or seductiveness on the part of either parent with the child. This does sometimes occur and I cannot over-stress the traumatic results that can occur (whether apparent or not). Being compassionate and affectionate with one's child is important and encouraged. Being sexual is NEVER appropriate -- not ever! Even joking or insinuating being sexual ("You know you're the only one for me. You're my little lover. We don't need anyone else, do we?") can be harmful. It's playing with emotional dynamite. I write this for those of you who may have good intentions but do not realize just how silently damaging this can be for a child.
If you have any questions or are not quite sure about what is appropriate and what isn't, please call, anonymously, any local counseling center (Yellow Pages under Psychologists, Marriage and Family Therapists, Mental Health Counselors, or Social Workers) or this national information number: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
If you have been touching your child in any type of sexual manner, please call a professional for assistance. It may feel embarrassing, but most counselors and therapists are very familiar with this kind of situation, will understand and be glad to answer your questions. Your child's mental health will literally depend upon your phone call.
Remember, a child is supposed to feel secure in the knowledge that his/her "playing house" fantasies regarding a parent or imagining "marrying" Mommy or Daddy is just that, a FANTASY with no chance of it ACTUALLY occurring in real life. If there is sexual misconduct by a parent (or even if it is implied), the child faces an overwhelming reality from which he/she should have been protected.
Though it is certainly important to cuddle, hold and love one's child, adult emotional needs should be satisfied by other adults, or else by no one at all. Rather than feeling like "the little man or little woman of the house," your child needs to feel protected as "the little child of the house." Without this protection, your child may never feel safe in an intimate relationship as an adult.
* * *
C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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