Monday, January 7, 2008

How to Detect Infidelity

What are the red flags that my spouse is cheating on me?

Some red flags signifying that your spouse may be cheating you are they're not home very much. They're suddenly, even when home, not very available to you. They're rather evasive about what they're doing in the day. Suddenly, when you're asking a lot of questions, they may get defensive, like, "Well, what's this cross-examination? What, you don't trust me?" They may start turning it on you, like "What's wrong with you? Why are you so suspicious?" Or, they may be even extra, extra, extra-nice out of the blue for no reason at all, as if they're covering something up. Also, is there a change? Are they suddenly getting dressed nicer, changing their style when they're leaving the house? Or how they smell in the morning, leaving, and how they smell coming home at night might be an indication. If they left smelling like Safeguard and came home smelling like Dove, that's a little suspicious. Those are just a few red flags.

How do I handle the guilt of having cheated on my spouse?

So you've cheated and now you feel bad. That's a good sign actually, that you are feeling bad, because you're recognizing what a mess this could put your marriage into. So, the first thing is to stop having the affair; stop having the affair. That's the most important thing you can do because you can sit there feeling bad all you want, but it's time to take action, because until the affair stops, you're not going to be able to go home fully to your partner, in honesty, in clarity, and in full presence. You have to stop having the affair. It may not stop you from feeling bad, because guilt is a natural reaction to when you do something that you don't feel good about, but your guilt is a beginning to starting to focus on your marriage again and heal what's there.

How can I avoid my spouse discovering I cheated on him or her?

You cheated, you swear it's only once, and then you don't want to get caught. Okay, then it's probably not a good idea to be talking about it. You have to pray that nobody saw you when you did it. I think it's really important to take a personal inventory on why you did it. If it's because you got drunk and "Whoops!"; you'd better not do that again because that's vulnerability. If you're on a business trip and someone came up and solicited you and you thought “Ah, why not?”; now you know why not. So, the deal is whoever you did it with; have no more contact with that person. You need to make a really strong deal with yourself, and silently with your spouse, that you're not going to do that anymore.

Should I hire a private detective if I suspect my spouse is cheating?

If you think your spouse, your partner, or your beloved is cheating on you and you really have that sense and you have the funds, hiring a private eye is going to perhaps bring a relief because you'll find out “yes” or “no” on whether or not what you suspect is true. The danger is that you may find out “yes.” Then what do you do? So, before you hire a private eye think about whether or not you are ready to truly hear whatever the truth is.

Is it true that most cheaters who get caught subconsciously want to be caught?

Sometimes when we cheat, we may want to be caught because the reason we're cheating is we want to get out of the marriage. So instead of going directly to our partner and saying “I want a divorce”, we try to get them so angry or upset with us that they'll divorce us and then we don't have to feel guilty. And, meanwhile we're having some fun or at least when we're getting so miserable in our marriage we're getting some pleasure outside our marriage. If you want a divorce, don't do this to your partner. This is so cruel to leave little signs like sometimes you might leave your cell phone that shows all the calls or accidentally leave the letters that you and your lover are writing or receipts around the house that shows you sent flowers. This is not a good idea. Go directly to your partner. If you're leaving those signs and you are noticing your partner starting to become suspicious and you're kind of going “Am I about to get caught”? Go direct.

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