Monday, January 7, 2008

If You Are Cheating.

I love my spouse, so why am I having an affair?

It can be really confusing when here you are having an affair and you also love your spouse. It can be that you're having your cake and eating it too. One person can't give you everything, so what you're not getting at home, you may be seeking outside of your home. The problem is, this could be devastating to your partner, devastating to what happens if you are found out, and devastating to the sanctity of this marriage that you say you love, so why are you doing it? Chances are you've got a need that needs to be fulfilled. Start there. Look at what it is that this relationship outside of your marriage is fulfilling and see if you can bring it so that you can get this need fulfilled in your relationship, or outside your relationship but in a totally different way to having sex, a romantic attraction, or emotional intimacy with another person. That is not going to be the answer to fulfilling a relationship at home. If you love your partner, start bringing your attention, your energy, and focus back home to your partner. Trust me; if you love him now, you're going to love him a lot more when your relationship is more solid, more exciting and you have more attraction going on there than outside.

How do I end my affair?

When ending an affair, you've got to do it clearly and without any kind of double messages. You cannot see that person again. You're not going to even meet them to break up with them. You send a letter, you make a call, you send an email, but you do not have physical contact with this person. You're vulnerable. You care about this person. You've had interaction with this person. You've got to cut it off and you cannot leave any doors open for possibility. You don't end it with, "I'll love you forever." No. You've got to close off the options for yourself, and you've got to close off the options for the person you had the affair with. "This is the bottom line. Goodbye. I can't see you anymore." You also have to be prepared: you're going to have withdrawal. This person fulfilled a certain need within you. You are going to want to have contact whenever you get that hit of desire or that hit of emptiness, so you have to be prepared for some withdrawal symptoms, and have a plan of action of how to fulfill them. It might be spending more time with your partner at home, spending more time integrating them into your life, getting close with them and filling this void of leaving your lover with your spouse.

How can I stop obsessing about my lover?

An affair represents a man and a woman giving each other total attention: love, nurturance. You're sharing something. You're giving each other full attention. There's something getting fulfilled in you. Suddenly, you stop the affair. There's a void there. It's almost like an addiction. You can almost think of your affair as being like heroin, and you are coming off heroin. It is natural to crave and obsess about this person; to desire this person. It's also important that you stay away from your drug. You cannot go near the drug. You can't call the drug. You can't get a little dose of the drug. It's going to re-hook you, and it's going to mess up your current relationship that you're trying to rebuild and to which you're trying to be honest and loyal. So, the obsessing; we've got to stop it. You cannot indulge, because even in the obsessing, you're giving yourself a piece of the drug. Remembering, wishing, fantasizing, hoping; you've got to stop it. You've got to stop it. Make yourself stop. Instead of the pleasure, remember what a mess you got yourself into, and how much pain this could create for your family if they find out, or is creating for your family if they already have found out. You're already in a mess. Don't make it messier. You've chosen to stop the drug. You've got to stop the drug. Obsessing isn't going to help you. It's going to make you want it more, so stop the thinking. Stop the thinking. Distract yourself. Distract yourself. Get involved in a hobby, an activity; something to else to fill the void until you are over that person. Start focusing, once again on "How do I bring pleasure back to my home, to my relationship with my partner? How do I fill this void with the love of giving to my partner?"

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