What do I do if I believe that my spouse is having an affair?
If you suspect that your spouse is having an affair, and you want to confront your spouse, my first concern and question for you is "Are you ready for the truth?" and if you say "Yes, I'm ready", here are some important things to know. Do not hurl accusations. Ask. Be curious. Be open. If you're suspecting, chances are you're pretty pissed already. You're going "How could this person do it to me?". You have to make sure that when you ask, you're already coming from a place of openness; of desire to know. Chances are, what's going to happen is you're going to get a wall. You're going to get denial. You're going to get blame. You're going to get someone turning it on you, saying "No. Absolutely not.", because their job is deception; for you not to know. For them, for you to know means a whole life change, so they're not going to go "Well, caught. Darn it". Understand that you may not get the truth at first, but how you present it is to be curious. Say "I want to know. I want to know because I'm suspecting this. Here's proof I've got and I want us to have an opportunity to move beyond this right now, and I need the truth. I need to know. Let's stop the lie and let's start telling the truth to each other."
What do I do if I discover that my spouse is having an affair?
Let's say you have proof positive that your partner is having an affair. You've got a letter that shows so, or you've got the phone call from the lover, or you hired a detective that shows you photographs. So, you've got the information there, and you can't deny it. Now you just want the truth out. OK. If you've got facts; you've got something concrete, that's certainly a way to present your claim and to seek the truth. Ideally, in a perfect world, if you really want to save your relationship, you can start with positive intention. There's a technique called the Oreo cookie, and essentially, you start with the positive. I know, by the way, that you're not happy with this information, and what I'm about to tell you may not be easy, but try this, because it will make a miraculous difference in opening the line of communication. So, you start with what it is you want. Hopefully, even if you're really angry right now, you want to get to the bottom of this and you want to save your relationship, and hopefully there still is some love in there that you're fighting for, so start with "I love you. I'm devastated. I need to talk to you about this. I want to hear the truth. Let's start here." Show them what you have got. That's the filling. "This is what I believe. This is what I know. This is how it makes me feel," and then close it with love. Close it with the chocolate. "I want to make this work. I want us to get through this. I don't even know how we're going to get through this. I want to get through this, and this is what I need from you."
What do I do if my spouse won't admit to having an affair?
It's not a surprise if you confront your partner and they deny ever having an affair or try to turn it on you or make it look like you're paranoid or suspicious no matter what you present. Because to admit to it is to change, to give up their freedom, and to not be able to do what their doing. To have to stop what they're doing when they may not be ready to. Their reaction that they know the truth will devastate you and they're trying to protect you. So the normal reaction of a confronted spouse is to deny the affair for a number of reasons, and they're not always bad. What you have to do is keep pressing for the truth, to keep asking what you want. Because you're in charge of the situation, especially the more proof you have, the more you know, and the more you want to get to the bottom of it. If you can do it with some love, if you can do it when you're not raging and hurling accusations, the chances are your partner will ultimately pass up.
What do I do if I catch my spouse in the act of cheating?
If you've caught your partner in the act of cheating, the problem is you have the visual picture in front of you. It's not in your imagination. It's hard to rationalize that it's not happening no matter what the proof, maybe the email I read isn't real. It's in your senses. A lot of stress and trauma comes from knowing there's an affair in your house and there's been a breach of trust. When you see it and there's the visual and you know it without a doubt, it's even more traumatic. It's very important that you give yourself a lot of nourishment as your reaction is going to be shock, trauma, anger, depression, and all of that's going to happen because you're traumatized. There's something called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). That's what happens to us when we find out something or are traumatized. So you need to understand that what you're going to need now is a whole bunch of self-care. A whole bunch of not re-traumatizing yourself, not replaying the scene over and over again in your head. So take really good care of yourself, and stop the thoughts. Every time you start going back to the scene of the crime, come back to reality. Touch your heart and go "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to take care of you." Because your self-care right now is the most important thing you can be doing.
What do I do if I know my spouse is having an affair with a friend of mine?
If you find out that your partner; your spouse, and your friend have been cheating on you, and have been having an affair, it's a double whammy. It's a double betrayal. Not only is it a betrayal by your partner who you've trusted, but also by your friend you've trusted; you're losing two for the price of one. Finding out that someone you've cared about; your friend, your husband or wife is having an affair is traumatic. You are going to have many emotional reactions. The bottom may feel like it's falling out of your life. Who can you trust? The most important thing is to build self-trust because you're going to have lots of feelings; lots of feeling towards your partner, lots of feelings about your friend, and lots of feeling about yourself and what the betrayal is doing to you. It's really important now, above all, to take care of yourself; to be really gentle and really loving as you rebuild. Whatever actions you end up taking at the end of this, right now the place to begin is to truly hold yourself, rebuild trust. The first question that comes up often is “How could I have been so dumb?” “How could I be so blind-sided?” So, start by rebuilding trust, awareness, and awakening in you. Take good care of yourself. That's where you begin.
What do I do if my spouse is ambivalent about stopping his or her affair?
If your partner, your spouse, is ambivalent about stopping the affair, there's nowhere to go. That affair must stop. If your partner is wavering going “Well, can't I have both?" Unless you're okay with renegotiating you're contract, and you may be, maybe what you have and you want a little more, then renegotiate the contract. And its maybe not infidelity anymore because you're both on the same page, but if you're expecting to rebuild your relationship. You want to rebuild closeness and trust and intimacy: you're partner must end the affair. It's the only way for your relationship to begin again.