Why Affairs Happen And what you need to know about prevention and recovery

By Cindy Crosby

As many as 65 percent of men and 55 percent of women will have an extramarital affair by the time they are forty, according to the Journal of Psychology and Christianity. A Christianity Today survey found that 23 percent of the 300 pastors who responded admitted to sexually inappropriate behavior with someone other than their wives while in the ministry.

In Dave Carder's and Duncan Jaenicke's book, Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs (Moody), Carder notes that adultery and divorce rates in the evangelical population are nearly the same as the general population in the United States. Being a Christian does not lessen our chances of having an affair. Through his counseling experiences, however, Carder has found several "shared threads" woven throughout the experiences of married couples who become tangled in an affair. These patterns can serve as warning signals that married couples should be alert to.

Forewarned is forearmed. So Marriage Partnership talked to Dave Carder about what to do whether you are contemplating an affair, have experienced an affair, or even if you never expect an affair to impact your own marriage.

What types of affairs do Christians tend to fall into?

All types. There's the "Class One" affair, which is the one-night stand. Then, there is the "Class Two" affair, which is a love relationship that starts as a friendship and grows primarily because of a deficit in the marriage. These often have a powerful emotional connection and involve a shared task or orientation, such as a common ministry or a shared passion. And there is the "Class Three" affair, which involves sexual addiction. Other addictions often go along with it, and many times there is a history of molestation or sexual activity on the part of the person before puberty.

What about the classic "mid-life crisis" people joke about?

We're finding that these types of affairs are happening when men and women are in their late thirties and forties. There's a pattern to them. Usually they happen in a marriage where there is little spousal interaction. Maybe the couple does everything as a family. When the children in the family grow older, the spouses become vulnerable.

Tell us more about emotional affairs. If there's no sex, just the emotional attachment, is it as serious as a sexual affair?

An emotional affair without sex occurs when two parties share their feelings for each other. These affairs are supercharged with emotion. The sound of her voice, the style of his e-mail—they are all loaded. But if you confront them, they'll insist they've done nothing wrong. These secret emotional affairs are powerful influences in the individuals' lives. They often live in a fantasy world, where they imagine what the other party is doing, even while appearing to watch sports on TV or doing some other task.

These individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation to talk over with the people they are having the emotional affair with, rather than their spouses. They also struggle with feelings of betrayal when they have sex with their spouse. But a lot of these emotional affairs remain non-sexual. They are the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt.

Should you always tell your spouse if you've had an affair?

Almost always. Remember, marriage is a contract and you broke it. The other party has a right to know. The only exception to this is if there is a history of violence on the part of the spouse: if she has a gun or if he has been abusive when he drinks. In this case, you will need a professional to help you know what to disclose.

The same goes for emotional affairs?

I still think you need to tell. Anything that is a secret for you can be enjoyed in private, and this is what we are trying to do away with. And it is very important that there is absolutely no contact between the two people who have had the emotional affair. It is very difficult to break them off.

What kind of things should married couples be aware of that can lead to an affair?

The fastest growing rate of infidelity is among young married women. Many of them have been molested or are the adult children of divorce. They are looking for marriage to make up a deficit that comes from their childhood. "Intimacy deficits" stem from your family of origin. They may be from a lack of touching or hugging, from a need for a lot of admiration, affirmation, and adoration, or from another vacuum that a spouse wants satisfied. Everybody has deficits.

How does a cheating spouse handle his or her emotions?

He or she is usually overwhelmed with guilt. They are sure that revealing the affair to their spouse will absolutely kill him or her. And they don't want to ruin the image of family they've built.

How can you tell if someone is tempting you to cheat?

If someone tells you things that you know are much better than they really are about yourself, then run. If someone admires you at a level beyond what you know to be true, it can get dangerous. And remember: there are beautiful, bright, charming, or caring women out in the workforce in big numbers who are better at seducing your husband than your husband is at being able to resist.

What are some other risky situations?

If a couple doesn't share a ministry, one spouse may get into a ministry with another individual and boom! They are in trouble. Or perhaps one spouse has a hobby that they share with someone of the opposite sex. Think about this: What don't I have in my marriage that I have the urgent need to share with someone?

You wrote that the tendency toward extramarital affairs runs in families. Why is this so?

We don't know why. Part of the homework I give a couple in counseling for infidelity is to explore what their parents did. Go back and ask them. Not to embarrass them. Ask them how they handled infidelity, if it happened in their marriage. Why did they stay together? What advice do they have? It's amazing how many of the couples I counsel talk to their family members and are shocked at what they find out.

So, is it inevitable, if you have a family where infidelity has occurred, that you will cheat on your partner?

No. But I believe it is inevitable that you will be tempted to have an affair.

How difficult is it to trust your spouse after an affair?
Trust is the big question. You have to forgive your spouse before you can trust him or her again. The repentant spouse must be careful to keep his or her word. No matter how small or unimportant a promise may seem, he or she can't afford to make promises that won't be kept anymore.

What about sex?

First you have to rebuild non-sexual touch. If you don't have good touch, you don't have anything special. It's also important to have the cheating spouse cleared by a physician before you have sex again. There should be no unprotected sex between you until he or she is checked for sexually transmitted diseases.

If there wasn't much sex in the marriage before, it will be difficult to initiate sexual activity after the affair. But in many cases, there is often a lot of sex between the spouses after an affair. Women will think, "I'll show my husband that I'm better than this other woman."

A husband might wonder, "Am I as good as the person whom she was with?" Then, the wronged spouse becomes disgusted again, and anger and withdrawal follow. Communication is key here. This is a topic you will have to talk about.
How does anger factor into all this?
It's different for everyone. If the wife has an affair, the guy's rage is often never resolved. It just doesn't take much to bring the affair back to his mind. Women seem to be able to let go of their anger more easily.

Anger can play a positive role. I encourage the wives I counsel who have been cheated on to try to find and enlarge pictures of the husband and the other woman, lay the pictures on a bed, then beat the snot out of them. I tell her not to stop beating until she is sobbing and exhausted. If she doesn't get angry about the affair, the anger will eventually leak out all over the relationship in a variety of ways.
Um, that sounds a bit extreme …
When Jesus was in the garden before the crucifixion, he was bloody, teary, messy, and sweaty. He was working through emotional upheaval. Betrayal and abandonment are two of the most painful emotions known to man.

What do you tell the kids?

Children are your first priority here. Make sure you don't injure them for life. Both of you need to sit down together with the child or the children, and both of you need to take responsibility for whatever you have contributed to the experience—not to the affair, necessarily, but for the tension that exists in the family environment.

Does age impact this?

If your children are under eight years old, they've already made up their own story. They are egocentric and will think they have caused the tension. If your children are teenagers, the kids probably already suspect the affair. Tell them the whole story: Dad had a girlfriend; Mom got involved with someone at work. Sharing the truth allows them to process the issue with Mom and Dad instead of guessing and keeps them from expending emotional energy checking on how well Mom and Dad are doing.

That's a lot of honesty.
The issues for your kids are, "Will Mom and Dad make it? Will we stay together as a family?" Do not lie. If you are not sure your marriage can be saved, tell them to pray; tell them you are seeing a counselor. Then, give lots and lots of touching and hugging and stroking and eye contact to your child. They need that reassurance.

Whom else should we tell?

Each person going through recovery from an affair needs a same-sex friend. The key here is that the person is available twenty-four/seven. You need to be able to talk with them anytime. Don't tough it out on your own. If you do, you'll prolong the recovery process, and spend a lot more money on your therapist. Save the money for a vacation.

After an affair, how long can it take for a couple to put their marriage back together?

Think about adolescence, when you put your identity together. It took a long time—maybe six or seven years. This is the same kind of process of shaping your identities, to redo and reform them. Two years is a good point of reference to use. And I don't mean that you will be in crisis for the whole time; the emotions will still be near the surface. Healing takes time, whether you are wounded physically or emotionally.

At what point do you give up on your marriage?

I tell couples to do three things before they throw in the towel, or else they will take all the anger and betrayal they feel into the next marriage. And another man or woman will not take care of the problems. First, know how and why the affair happened. Life is cyclical. If you had an affair, you will probably go through the same pattern in your next marriage. Second, you have to forgive—for yourself—whether you want to or not. Third, you have to rebuild the trust you had. Even if you divorce, you will still have financial ties, ties with your children, grandchildren, events you will attend together such as weddings and graduations and birthdays, and you have to be able to trust each other. The goal in therapy is to have these three components.

If 20 percent of your marital history before the affair was not what I would rank a "4" or a "5" mutually—with "5" being the highest satisfaction and happiness—you will need a miracle to keep your marriage together. Not every marriage is salvageable after an affair.

If a couple decides to find a therapist or counselor to help, what should they look for?

Look for someone who will give you structure and hold you on course. A counselor should give you follow-up work to complete, things to work on every day. You need to find a counselor who will help you work on the marriage, not just the affair. Pastors are actually quite good at providing structure and helping couples work through this.

Cindy Crosby is the author of Waiting for Morning: Hearing God's Voice in the Darkness to be published by Baker Book House in June.

How to End an Affair the Right Way

You've done the unthinkable. You've gotten into an affair. Now, how do you end it? In their book, Surviving an Affair (Revell), Dr. Willard Harley, Jr., the author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Revell), and his co-author, Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, suggest the following:

1. Tell your spouse about the affair.

2. The wayward spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover again.

3. The wayward spouse should write a letter to the lover ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

4. Extraordinary precautions should be taken to guarantee total separation of the wayward spouse and the lover.

5. If the lovers are co-workers, a job change or relocation may be needed.

6. All communication between the wayward spouse and lover should cease. This includes changing your e-mail address, telephone number, cell phone number, and pager numbers.

7. The betrayed spouse should monitor voice mail and regular mail.

8. The betrayed spouse and wayward spouse should give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers to account for their time.

9. Make all future financial decisions jointly, and give each other a complete account of money spent.

10. Spend your leisure time together.

— C.C.

Nip Infidelity in the Bud

Here are 7 signs your mate may be thinking of straying.
By Denise Mann
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Think cheating is something that can never happen to your relationship?

Think again.

Statistics from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy suggest that 15% of wives and 25% of husbands have had sex outside of their marriage. When emotional affairs or sexual intimacies without intercourse are included, the number jumps by 20%.

But straying is not inevitable, no matter how many soap operas you watch, says Frances Cohen Praver, PhD, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst in Locust Valley, N.Y., and the author of Daring Wives: Insight into Women's Desires for
Extramarital Affairs.

"For the most part, people don't just go out and cheat. There are warnings," she tells WebMD. The good news is that knowing the common signs and addressing them head-on can save your relationship from infidelity.

Red Flag No. 1: Crying Out for Help

"The most common warning is when a partner tells you something is amiss and you don't believe it," Praver says. "He or she may say, 'This marriage isn't working,' or 'I am not happy.'"

Marriage Saving Solution: Taking the Bait

"This is akin to being hit over the head with a 2 X 4," Praver says. "If your partner is reaching out, take the bait," she says. "First open up a dialogue, and if you can't get anywhere, consider couples therapy."

Red Flag No. 2: Sudden Change -- or Interest -- in Appearance.

Is your husband talking about getting botox to eliminate his frown lines? Did your wife recently start coloring her hair and scrapping her jeans for a low-cut black dress? If so, this may indicate he or she is on the prowl, experts say.
Marriage Saving Solution: If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them

"This can make you bitter or better," says John Van Epp, PhD, a therapist in Medina, Ohio and author of the forthcoming How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: the foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind.

"If they are going through changes and you are fairly certain no one else is involved, this is an opportunity," he says. "Join in and spice up your relationship."

Red Flag No. 3: Unconstructive Criticism

"If your partner says, 'You need to see a psychiatrist,' 'You need help,' 'Get a job,' 'Lose weight,' or 'Go to the gym,' and is constantly critical, it's all part of the same theme -- which is that there is something wrong with you," points out Elizabeth Landers of Gross Pointe, Mich., co-author of THE SCRIPT: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat.

"Unconsciously, they are setting it up to say their partner was nuts and wouldn't even go for help." Another tip-off is when he or she starts picking fights about something you are good at, so you fight back and then he or she calls you argumentative," she says. "These things happen 100% of the time."

"If a man says 'I have grown and you haven't,' the natural reaction is that he is being critical and insulting. But talking about feelings is good," she says. "Encourage him to talk more because he will feel that you understand him," Landers says. Use a counterintuitive approach, she advises. "If a man says to his wife, 'Those two women are attractive', her natural reaction is to say, 'I don't want to hear it,' but encourage him so he will feel that he can talk to you about anything and that can keep him to words -- not action."

Red Flag No. 4: the Tony Soprano-Style Guilt Gift

On HBO's The Sopranos, mobster Tony Soprano often presents his doting wife with lavish jewels so she will look the other way about his extramarital activities. "Sometimes it's a guilty, look-the-other-way gift or a see-I-am-really-a-good guy-even-if-I-leave-you gift," Landers says. "It could be a diamond bracelet, a cashmere sweater, a new car. Or if you are former President Bill Clinton, it could be the state of New York," she says, referring to Clinton's now notorious philandering and his wife Hillary Clinton's ascension to New York's senator. "It may seem normal to think, 'He's obviously not cheating; he just gave me this gorgeous bracelet' -- but don't be fooled," she says.

Marriage Saving Solution: Nip It in the Bud

Don't turn the other cheek, she says. "It can be so frightful if it's true that it is difficult to accept [potential infidelity], but addressing it early, even with no concrete evidence, can help save the marriage," she says. "Speak up early because if you think something's wrong, it probably is," she says. "Trust your instincts. You will be much more likely to be successful in saving the relationship if you catch potential problems early."

Red Flag No. 5: Snubbed at the Company Party

"If you get the cold shoulder at your husband's company holiday party where everyone used to be friendly, it's a sign," Landers says. "His colleagues either know about the affair and figure you are on the way out, so why be nice? Or your partner has been making critical comments about you so they think you are no good."

Marriage Saving Solution: Address It Head-on

"Don't make excuses," she says. "Bring it up and open the lines of communication as soon as you notice anything unusual," she says. "When your doctor prescribes pain medication, he or she will tell you to take it before the pain gets really bad because then it is more likely to be effective," she says. The same holds for marital problems.

Red Flag No. 6: Sneaking

"One of the red flags is when a partner is sneaking around a bit," Praver says. Maybe he or she takes secret cell phone calls on the porch instead of using the phone by the bed, or maybe he is out on weeknights whereas he used to be home watching television, she says. "If you see that a person is not around that much and is gone on different nights, something may be up," she says.

Marriage Saving Solution: Confrontation

"Obviously you have to confront a person and say, 'What's going on here?'" she says. "Once a person has been found out, they must 'fess up and that can be the first step in rebuilding trust," she says. While not necessarily advising it, Praver says people can check call logs on cell phones to see if there really is fire where there is smoke.

Red Flag No. 7: History Repeats Itself

"Sometimes people with a background of these types of things may be more likely to repeat them," Van Epp says. "There are exceptions and people can change patterns in their life, but if we are talking about red flags, history is a red flag."

Marriage Saving Solution: Set Boundaries

"It may be more up to the individual to set strong boundaries in these cases," he says. "You can't necessarily protect your spouse from having an affair, but you can come to an agreement about how far you will go in relationships outside of the marriage," he says. For example, pre-emptively discuss how much you will open up to people outside of the relationship as a way to safeguard against affairs down the road, he suggests.

But remember that nothing is fail-safe, Van Epp says. Many people who stray do so from a relatively good relationship.

Praver adds that affairs don't necessarily mean a marriage is over. "An affair can bring about change," she says. "A partner may need more companionship; they often don't have affairs just for sex."

What Do You Do When You Find Out Your Wife Has Been Cheating?

Surviving Infidelity Is Hard to Do
What Do You Do When You Find Out Your Wife Has Been Cheating?
By Sean Elder
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Sheldon Marks, MD

How can you tell if a guy’s wife has cheated on him?
Well, it depends on the guy, of course, but I do recall my wife and I having dinner with a couple she knew better than I, and thinking that the husband was being awfully rude to the mother of his children.

“What was that about?” I asked my wife later.
“I think he’s mad at his wife for cheating on him,” she said.
“Wow. You mean he just found out?”

“No, this all happened five years ago.”

For most guys in most matters, five years would be an eternity. It’s been four years since the Yankees won a pennant, and even longer since Robin Williams made a funny movie. And yet we seem willing to forgive them both. What makes dealing with infidelity so difficult for men? Why can’t we let it go?

Dealing With Infidelity: The Stubborn Images in Your Head

“A lot of people have affairs,” says Mark Epstein, MD, a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and author of Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life.
“It doesn’t necessarily have any ultimate meaning. The hardest thing for men in that situation is to let it be history.”

That’s rather ironic, given that women often complain about men compartmentalizing everything else. We just had a fight? Let’s have sex. We just had sex? Let’s watch a movie. Why can’t we compartmentalize the idea of our wives being unfaithful?
“Imagining one’s partner with someone else is too profound for some men,” says Epstein. “[The faithless wife] is a very common theme in porn, but when it gets turned around [when the porn role is being played by your wife] -- it’s too intolerable.”
“I just can’t get that image out of my head,” his patients will say. And what does he tell them?

“Yes you can. Though maybe you don’t want to.”

Surviving Infidelity: Can This Marriage Be Saved?

“Affairs are common and happen for all kinds of reasons, and our culture promotes it,” Epstein advises those interested in surviving infidelity. “A lot of marriages don’t break up just because someone has had an affair.”

Does that mean women are better at letting things go? Not according to Louanne Cole Weston, a family and marriage counselor and licensed sex therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif. “As a group, women hold on to negative -- and positive -- emotional experiences longer than men,” she says.

True, says Weston, “some men think they can’t fix it if a woman has been with another man.” But others want to get in there and make things work. “Some say, ‘I need to take a look at myself.’ One woman I saw had a longtime affair with a house husband, the father of a kid at her child’s school. When it came to light, her husband was upset -- but then he looked at their sex life, his own rapid ejaculation and lack of foreplay and creativity in their time together. It got a bunch of information on the table,” she says, and the couple is still together.

How Do Most Men Respond to Infidelity in Marriage?

“Sometimes men will be jealous, sometimes they will be competitive, sometimes they will have a lot of self-recrimination,” she continues, listing three classic responses. “But sometimes it will be a huge wake-up call.”

Most men would probably prefer to be woken up in a different fashion (a clock radio is nice), but there’s the rub: Sometimes it takes a shock to the system to get a man’s attention. “If, God forbid, you come home and find your wife in bed with another man, and you are in a stable, gratifying marriage, you need to talk about what happened openly and honestly,” says Steven Nock, a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and the author of Marriage in Men’s Lives. “If you can actually discuss what is going on and why it happened, those couples seem to survive. But that presumes a lot.”

It presumes, first off, that the husband will keep a cool head. Extreme anger must be dealt with in counseling, which is also the best way to expel the stubborn images Epstein says his patients complain of.

“Men fret over it because of what they imagine happened,” adds Nock. “You’ll do that until you face it head on. [Surviving infidelity] is going to take a lot of talking and doing things together. And guys are not that eager to talk about their relationship -- especially if they have to talk about her sleeping with someone else.”

Married Couples Survive Infidelity Better Than Unmarried Couples
In nearly 30 years of studying men and marriage, Nock has found that “a large majority of couples who cheat do not divorce. …But it is a dramatic threat to this core basic assumption of marriage, which is that your wife is the one person you’re supposed to be able to trust.”

Married people are different in this regard, Nock has found. “If you interview unmarried couples who were living together about why they split up, infidelity is the leading cause. But that’s never been true about married couples. Infidelity is a problem in divorce, but by people’s own accounts, the cause usually has something to do with being incompatible or unable to communicate.”

What Infidelity Tells Us About Marriage

Your wife’s infidelity can certainly be a symptom, or culmination, of those things -- nothing says, “our marriage is in trouble” like sleeping with someone else. But for a lot of couples it is just a reminder of how tenuous the matrimonial bond is.

“Marriage is full of disappointment,” says Epstein. ”That has to be dealt with. People have to have an element of forgiveness. For men, the general disappointment comes when you discover that the other person is human and is not there exclusively for you. Her whole life is not actually oriented toward you.”

By failing to give you what you need (while maybe giving herself something she merely wants), your wife is reminding you of her own identity -- and the limitations any person has in making you completely happy. The good news, Epstein says, is that it’s an adult dilemma. “You discover what you want is not what you are supposed to want from a relationship.”

Despite the sometimes icky “you complete me” language of love, at least in the popular culture, surviving infidelity sometimes means recognizing each other’s differences. Cheating on someone may not be the best way to remind them that you are your own person. Forgiving them is far superior.

Our Cheatin' Hearts

Men and monogamy: Fighting the urge to have an extramarital affair
By Sean Elder
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Amal Chakraburtty, MD

Why can’t you just be faithful? Any man who has ever been on the receiving end of that question, whether dodging crockery or wiping away his wife’s tears, knows that some women would really like an answer. Do men who cheat really outnumber their female counterparts? Does infidelity in marriage come more naturally to men than women? And do some husbands think that “monogamy” is a board game?

“There’s no question that men cheat more than women,” says Steven Nock, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia, who has followed the marriages of more than 6,000 men since 1979. “In the bad old days, when we had to prove why we were getting divorced, that was the leading cause.” This was mostly because husbands were guiltier of infidelity in marriage than their wives, but also because “society is more tolerant of men’s misdeeds,” says Nock. It was OK for a marriage to end because the husband had been unfaithful l— you know how men are — while a faithless wife was a true pariah. As you may remember from your American literature class, it was Hester Prynne who wore the scarlet letter, not the man with whom she had the affair.

“Men and women cheat in different ways,” says Mark Epstein, MD, a psychiatrist in private practice in Manhattan and author of Open To Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life. “It’s more like an appetite thing for men, more oral in a way. Their partners are more disposable. And the experiences are more disposable.”

Infidelity in men: Does the biological argument hold up?

Wives often find their husbands disposable when they discover they’ve cheated on them, though still they wonder why they did it. Could it be a biological imperative, as some scientists have allowed? Cole Porter may have thought that the birds and bees who “do it” were falling in love, but if love is what you’re calling it, there is plenty of evidence that the animal kingdom pretty much falls in love
indiscriminately. And even Homo sapiens have spent more evolutionary time seeking multiple partners than in pursuit of romantic matrimony and monogamy.

“There is a natural tendency that is pretty hardwired in us as a species that suggests putting your seed in as many places as possible. It’s what got humanity to this point in history,” says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and board-certified sex therapist in Fair Oaks, California. “That non-monogamous urge persists in many men — though many manage serial monogamy despite that urge.”

This would seem to argue for a behavioral cure to what may be only partially a biological problem. (Besides, the evolutionary argument will only get you so far. One could argue that men also used to beat each other with clubs, but this practice is generally frowned upon today — at least in most places. And there are no country songs about it.) Can counseling, for instance, get a man to stop cheating?

“I don’t think anyone can be made to do anything,” says Epstein, “but self-awareness is really powerful. More choices are apparent when you are aware of what is motivating you.” A lot of men, he has found in practice, cheat in the same way an alcoholic relapses.

“People turn to strategies that gave them pleasure when they were younger, that worked to give meaning and pleasure to their lives. There is a whole pattern that [non-monogamous men] know how to kindle — coming on to someone and having that first experience — the same way some people turn to a drink when they are feeling out of sorts. Except these men are frustrated with their wives, who aren’t orienting their lives around them anymore.” Addictive tendencies can be worked with, he says, if the patient is willing. “But you might want to stop and not want to stop at the same time. That’s difficult,” Epstein says.

Marriage counselors say that more and more couples embrace an “open marriage,” with sexual freedom as a way to avoid divorce. But this only succeeds when both partners agree, which is often not the case.

Infidelity as a way out of marriage

Since many divorces still arise from an act of infidelity, cheating can be man’s way of pulling the plug on a marriage he’s lost interest in. “There can be a deadening of the relationship,” says Weston, “and then the husband accidentally runs across a person who seems to have a certain energy in living and casts that energy his way. A man may feel tempted to respond to that energy; it may feel complimentary and sexy to him. Or sometimes there is a little dysfunction at home, and he feels like he is checking his equipment out in another place.”

Weston says that she is always interested in what led a man to cross the line — when that no suddenly became a yes. “Each answer is a bit different,” she says. “Sometimes a man will say it was a moment of conviction in which he felt that things would never get better between him and his wife, a sense of hopelessness.”

Marriage after adultery

Can an unfaithful husband who wants to save his marriage change his ways? “It depends on how his wife takes it,” says Weston. “It depends on whether they get counseling. And it depends on his level of sincerity about how he will treat her in the future. I’ve seen marriages get to a really good place when an affair has been exposed because a whole lot of truth is revealed and conversation that should have happened before does.”

Too often married couples stop seeing marriage as an arena for the truth. They hide aspects of their lives from each other and the one relationship that should be the most grounded in honesty becomes the most corrupt. And when a man starts seeing his marriage as corrupted or complicated — even if he’s the one who’s done the corrupting and complicating — he can stop seeing the value in it. Or he can become bored.

Since many divorces still arise from an act of infidelity, cheating can be man’s way of pulling the plug on a marriage he’s lost interest in. “There can be a deadening of the relationship,” says Weston, “and then the husband accidentally runs across a person who seems to have a certain energy in living and casts that energy his way. A man may feel tempted to respond to that energy; it may feel complimentary and sexy to him. Or sometimes there is a little dysfunction at home, and he feels like he is checking his equipment out in another place.”

Weston says that she is always interested in what led a man to cross the line — when that no suddenly became a yes. “Each answer is a bit different,” she says. “Sometimes a man will say it was a moment of conviction in which he felt that things would never get better between him and his wife, a sense of hopelessness.”

If Your Spouse Cheated

Why did my spouse cheat?

I'm often asked, "Why did my partner cheat?" Often an affair is a symptom. A spouse cheats because there's vulnerability, either in your partner or in your relationship. Problems can occur if your relationship has become dry, if you're not interacting with each other, if the sex life is nil or if there's been some changes where a lot of the attention is going outside of the relationship. Your partner may be hungry, and seeking to fill that hunger through other means. Whether it be through cyber sex, through emotional intimacy with coworkers or through having an affair. To get to the heart of the reason for the infidelity, consider cheating to be the symptom and not the illness. If there's some vulnerability in your partner - they're feeling lonely, they're feeling bored, they're wanting some excitement. Perhaps they just got a promotion and they're feeling really full of themselves and want to act out. There are lots of reasons why people cheat. What you need to find out is, why did your spouse cheat? What is their vulnerability and how do you fill the hole between you?

How can I stop obsessing about my spouse's infidelity?

When you find out that your partner's had an affair, often what happens is that your mind starts searching for answers: "Why? How? Did he lie here? Did she lie here? When he went on the business trip... When she worked late..." and your mind starts trying to fill in all the details. Obsessing over the affair only hurts you more and more because your mind doesn't know what is real and what is memory. Every scene you obsess about and play in your head is like taking a knife and injuring yourself more. This is not the time for more injury! You've been injured enough after a partner has cheated. You need to start working to stop the obsession, stop the thoughts. One way to end the obsession is by literally thought stopping. You sit there, you feel your mind going off, you're off and running, tell yourself, "STOP! NO!" You set a limit, right there; you tell your thoughts, "Absolutely not! No! Go away! Stop!" And a thought comes? "No! Stop! I said no!" Thought stopping is really powerful. Another thing is to maybe go on an obsessional diet so that for thirty minutes a day, you can obsess all you want. You can think about all the details, you can hurt yourself all you want with how you've been injured. However, at the end of those thirty minutes, or fifteen minutes, or five minutes, the alarm goes off. You're done for the day. No more thoughts, no more. You can have other thoughts, you can have pleasant thoughts, because it's important to remember that what you think is how you feel. If you're thinking thoughts that hurt you, you're going to be feeling really bad. This whole situation you're in, already feels bad. Don't add to it. Counter it with much nicer thoughts that are going to make you feel good. It's going to help you get through this a lot better and stop you from obsessing over your spouse's affair.

How do I cope with my jealousy and insecurity stemming from my spouse's affair?

It is really normal to have a myriad of feelings of jealous and insecurity when you find out that you've been betrayed. All these feelings flood you. Normal feelings experienced are disbelief, shock, thinking how could this happen, anger and rage - "I want to kill him. I want to kill her. How dare they, how dare this person, how dare this person that I have married do this to me." Jealousy and insecurity is common stemming from your spouse's affair. Either you're going to want to take revenge on them or you're just going to keep torturing yourself with these visions and fantasies of all the times this person has lied to you. You may feel sadness and depression because your trust has been devestated. Jealousy, when you start comparing, "Mmm, was this guy a better lover than me, was this girl prettier, did they share an emotional bond, did he tell our secrets to her, did she do things with him that she or he didn't do with me?" All this is natural, so what do you do? How do you cope? One, understand that you are traumatized and you are in trauma. If you had your best friend or your child right by you, traumatized, how would you take care of them? How would you hold them? What would you be telling them? This is a time that you've got to be really kind and gentle with yourself. Self-loving. You're going to be rebuilding from the ground up yourself, considering this marriage, trying to figure out what you're going to do, how you're going to relate to this person, the spouse who was unfaithful to you. If you choose to heal with your partner, you're going to need to come from a really strong place inside yourself. If you choose to leave this partner, that's a whole other course, you still need to be really strong and connected with yourself. Right now you have got to be your own best friend, hold your own hand and be ever so kind and ever so gentle, and whatever feelings come up, hold yourself through them, and be ready for a rollercoaster ride.

Infidelity And Children

What do I do if my child learns that my spouse or I have been unfaithful?

If your child overhears or finds out that you or your partner's been unfaithful, and has become privy to this knowledge, that hopefully they shouldn't become privy to, it's important to sit down with your child and get them out of the loop, get them out of your triangle. You've got enough people in your triangle, get the child out. You need to let your child know that they're the child, that you love them, that Mummy and Daddy are going to work this out and not to worry, and how loved this child is. If the child is worried and scared that you guys might be falling apart, just go, "Mommy and Daddy love you, we're working on this. We'll handle it, don't worry. Don't worry, we're taking care of it, we're talking about it and we're handling it." because what's happening is that your child is scared that their world can fall apart. Your job is to ensure your child that their world will be safe no matter what, because you love this child, and you're going to protect them through anything at all.

Romantic Affairs In The Workplace

Why is it a bad idea to have affair with a coworker?

It is a bad idea to have an affair with a co-worker because the end could result in losing your job, it could be dangerous, and it could end in a lawsuit.
Why are workplace affairs so tempting and how can I avoid having one?
Your work can be a sexy place for affairs because affairs distract you. They can take something that's mundane and energise it. As you spend so much time at work and you're developing relationships, close relationships with co workers, you have a vulnerability. So, the most important thing to know is when you're vulnerable. The second most important thing to know is that you might be tempted; go in with this consciousness. The third most important thing is to make a commitment to you, and a silent or loud commitment to your partner, to come home every night; to wear your ring literally and figuratively; to be married at work; and to call your partner during the day if you are engaging in a water cooler flirtation. Leave. Take your water. Call your wife, call your husband. Start building more of a relationship at home to come home to, so if you're at work and you're feeling tempted at all, think about home, and think about what you want do with your wife. Take this energy and channel it toward your husband. You're vulnerable; know it and now take action to not be seduced by your vulnerability.

What do I do if I find myself attracted to someone I work with?

If you find yourself attracted to someone you work with, it's a really uncomfortable situation. You have to manage your attraction because your attraction is either going to lure them in, if it's mutual, or you could get into a lot of trouble at work. If there's a mutual attraction, it's going to lead you down a road that you don't want to go down, if that's going to create a mess at work and a mess at home. If it's a one-sided attraction, you need to manage it. There's a couple ways to do that. You can be honest: you can actually go home and work on this with your spouse. You can come clean, and say, "This is so weird. I'm kind of attracted to blah, blah, blah. I love you. I don't know what this is about." If you have the kind of partner that you can share these things with, chances are that attraction to someone at work will fade because you're taking it out of the secret into the light. If you're not comfortable bringing it home because your partner is going to go ballistic and want a divorce, then you need to make a decision about what is more important to you: is saving your marriage more important than having this mild fantasy with this phantom person at work? My hope for you is that you're going to choose to take this energy and bring it into your marriage and really stop yourself from having an attraction that goes any further than it is at this moment.

What do I do if I am attracted to my boss?

Having an affair is a bad idea. Having an affair at work is an even worse idea. Having an affair with your boss is probably the worst idea imaginable, because there's so much that is being threatened. Your security, your family's security plus uncomfortable talk on the other end of it. What happens if you have an affair, what happens if you take this attraction and you play it out, then what? Then you have to face your boss. Get out of this situation. Okay, you're attracted to your boss, there's some desire, and it's almost like Daddy and Mommy's paying attention to you. Okay, maybe you think you're going to get a promotion. Bad idea, this is not the way to earn your promotion, and it's not the way to get attention from this higher power. Go home, be with your partner. Start building that relationship because your attraction is a red flag that there's a need that is not being fulfilled at home. Go home, and try to get your needs met there and stop playing around with your boss.

Infidelity And Cyber Affairs

What are some signs that my spouse may be having a cyber affair?

Here are some signs that your partner may be having an affair, a cyber affair or cyber sex on the internet. One, you can see your partner have multiple email addresses that you don't have access to. Your partner may move the computer away from the public area to a private area. They may get very edgy when you get near the computer. They may be spending more and more time on the computer. They may be more distant when they come off the computer, They may be now not doing a lot of things they used to do because they are spending time on the computer. They are not hanging out with friends and most importantly, they are not hanging out with you or your kids . They are not doing their household duties and are getting a little edgy unless they are on the computer. Those are signs that they are not only addicted to the internet but chances are something else is going on while they are on the internet.

What's the line between flirting and a cyber affair?

Sometimes we may be innocently on the internet, pursuing our interest, when we meet somebody who is pursuing the same interest. We start talking, and finding out more and more, and it becomes a mild flirtation. Sometimes the question is, "What is the harm of mild flirtation and how do I know when it's actually more that a mild flirtation?" My answer is: "What are you doing flirting with someone who is not your partner?" Because there is a thrill that happens in those kind of interactions, and the problem is that it is like a match in a dry forest, and can evolve and burn into something else. Here are some signs that it is quickly turning from a flirtation into a cyber affair or a cyber sexual affair. Firstly, it is going be harder and harder to stay away from the computer. You're going to want more and more contact with this person. You may also be starting to fantasize about this person, wondering what they look like, and even fantasizing about meeting the person. Maybe you are starting to share, outside of your common interest, more and more about your personal life. You're also excluding your partner from this when the communication is developing into a cyber affair. You are not telling your beloved, your partner, your spouse about this little interaction. What is going to start happening is that once you get more addicted - yes, addicted - to this affair it will be harder to stop. You're going to want to chat more, you're going to want to maybe even talk to this person on the phone. You may want to meet the person. What happens during a cyber affair is that you are going to find yourself getting aroused by, or more and more attracted to, this phantom, and less attracted to your partner. These are all really dangerous signs that online flirting has gone too far, and it is time to stop.

What can I do to stop my cyber affair?

If you're having an online affair and want to stop, basically you're going to have to stop going online so much. You're going to have to break your addiction to the website, to the person, and to the computer where you're having your affair. That means, if you have to use your computer, use it in work related situations, when your family is around, or when you go, "Oh, I have a reason to check e-mail". Go do something else, go take a walk, breathe, because you may have some withdrawal symptoms. It's important for you to start interacting with your family, with your wife, and work on building that relationship. Take the energy that you were spending on your online affair and bring it back home to your relationship. You're going to find it be a lot more fulfilling, and the payoff to be much greater.

What can I do to stop my spouse's cyber affair?

You have busted your spouse and found out that they're having an online affair. You might have read an email or happened into the room and saw your spouse on a certain site, or maybe it's even crossed over and you're unsure as to whether your partner is physically cheating on you. Unfortunately, you're going to have to confront the situation and what you're probably going to get back is denial - absolute denial - because nobody wants to get caught having an affair and nobody wants to have their freedom impinged on. When you confront your partner about their online usage, the best thing to do is to come from love. Go, "I love you. I miss you. I'm hurting. This is what I believe. This is what I know and this is what I need." No matter what your partner says, because they're probably not going to go along with this, you have to persevere. They're going to try to turn it on you. They're going to try to say, "No. It's your fault. You're suspicious." When you know they're having an online affair, insist: "I love you. I want our relationship to work. This has got to stop. This is what I need."

Infidelity And Emotional Affairs

What is an "emotional affair"?

Often an emotional affair is called “Chase Infidelity”, because what's happening is that you are starting a lovely emotional relationship with a person with the opposite sex where you're sharing your dreams and you're telling each other those secrets about your relationship. Maybe you're complaining to each other, maybe you are discovering new things about each other and with each other, and suddenly you're starting to think of this person a lot. Even maybe when you're at home with your partner, you're kind of bored with your partner and the other person seems so fantastic, and what's happening is that you're creating a romantic liaison without sex with another person. The problem is, you're taking all that energy that could make your relationship grow if only you gave it to your partner in the same intensity. Instead you're giving it to someone else and in a way contributing to the sinking of your relationship.

Is having an emotional affair really cheating?

Does it involve deception, intimacy and chemistry? Those are the three signs that you are having an affair. So, deception; this interaction that you are having with this person, are you going home and telling your partner about it? Are you sharing what you've shared? Is your partner invited along? If not; if the opposite is happening, if you're meeting and you're not telling your partner, and you're spending more and more time together and you're saying you're somewhere else, then you're engaging in deception. Okay, what about intimacy? Are you telling each other more and more and more about yourselves and finding out about each other? Are you like these little secret friends? If so, and you're building this intimacy, this emotional intimacy, the problem is that I doubt that you are repeating this at home. What you're giving to your new friend, chances are you're not giving back to your home partner. That's another sign that you are having an affair. The third part of it is chemistry. Whether you are having sex or not, there's often this chemistry that's happening. This, perhaps, desire to have sex that you then push down. You may be even making love to your partner thinking about this person. There's this desire there, whether you act on it or not. If you can say yes to these three things, or even two of these things, you are having an affair.

How is an emotional affair different from a platonic friendship?

There is a big difference between a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex and having an emotional affair. Basically, a platonic friendship is something of which your partner can be a part. They're not excluded. There are no secrets. You are very open about when you see the person, what you talk about, and actually your partner can join any time. In fact, "Let's bring this friend into our relationship." An emotional affair has a lot more exclusion, a lot more secretiveness; a lot more just between you and that person, with your spouse not being a part of it. That's a major difference. A platonic friendship is that; it's an open friendship that everyone's open to knowing about. An emotional affair is the opposite. There is secretiveness, there's a bonding that's happening, and there's exclusion.

How can I turn my emotional affair into a platonic friendship?

Let's say you've met somebody. You're married, you're both married, and you're developing a friendship that you realise is going deeper and deeper and deeper into an emotional affair or maybe even in a sexual one. How do you nip it in the bud and turn it into a friendship? One, you've got to take it out of the secret and bring it into the light. You've got to have your partner be part of it. Both of you also. You and your new friend, or you and your friend, also have to agree that this is what you both want and be really clean about it. You've also got to bring your new friend home because it's about taking it out of the dark and out of the secret, and into the light where it is accepted in your life. Most importantly, you've got to be clean. Can you be a friend with this person?

Confessing Your Infidelity

Should I confess a past affair to my spouse?

Should you confess a relationship that you had while married for a long time ago to your partner? This is a sticky wicket, because if you're not involved, you haven't been involved. It's not that you have a pattern of affairs, it's a one time thing or whatever it was it was long gone. "Why do you want to bring it up now?" is my question for you. Is it because you're wrapped with guilt? Is it creating a problem currently in your being intimate with your partner? Are you holding the secret of disease or something that could affect your partner currently? And my question for you is, are you ready for the consequences because there will be a storm that follows your confession? So if you want to confess, make sure you're really ready for what's going to follow.

Should I tell my partner that I'm having an affair?

You are having an affair and you're wondering do you tell your spouse. My question for you is, are you ready to end your affair? Are you thinking about telling your spouse so that you can end your affair? You can't end your affair and need your partner's help and telling them is the only way you can think of ending your affair. If you tell your partner, understand all hell is going to break loose. However, keeping a secret such as this may create a division; an emotional division between you and your partner. If you tell your partner, there's a good chance that what will happen after the storm; because there's a storm whenever we confess, is that you can begin to rebuild your relationship with your partner. Also, this kind of honesty may start a pattern and a process of radical honesty, which is what your relationship needs. Also the chances of you having another affair will probably be slim because you made the choice to come clean and to be clean. So yes, if you want to tell your partner and you are willing to end your affair, do it. But do it with understanding, with love, and with the awareness that you are ending this affair.

What is the best way to confess to an affair?

So you want to confess to your partner. I've got to tell you, I don't envy you. This is probably one of the roughest things to do. Here are some things you need to know. Expect a really strong reaction. First you may get shock. After that, you're going to get lots of questions once the shock wears off. Make sure when you give the information or you tell your partner that you start with love; "I love you. I am telling you this because I want to come home. I want our home to be strong. I screwed up, and I'm telling you this so the we can build a stronger relationship." Then, tell what happened. Don't give too many details; your partner, at this moment, doesn't need to know every gory detail. Trust me, the questions will be coming soon. Then, close with love. "I love you. I want this to work. I am so sorry that I hurt you, that I betrayed you." Be empathetic even before your partner knows that they need your empathy. Understand and take responsibility for what you know is wrong, and close with love.

If You Cheated And It's Over

How can I avoid cheating again?

If you've broken the bonds of your matrimony once, to do it again unfortunately becomes easier. To not cheat again takes a lot of consciousness and a choice; a promise to your partner - but even more to yourself - to live with radical honesty and to be in alignment and integrity with yourself. To avoid cheating you must not break your promise with yourself which is not to cheat, because you have to know your vulnerabilities. Truthfully, you are vulnerable: you've cheated, and if it was at all good, you're going to want to do it again. You've got to learn faithfulness in order to not cheat again. It's not anything that's just natural. It starts with creating a bond to be absolutely walking the line of honesty, so that if you feel yourself sway, you feel yourself attracted, you feel yourself rationalizing any kind of behavior that's about cheating, you tell yourself no. You've got a bond with yourself and you've got a bond with your partner that you will not break. Another thing to remember in order to avoid cheating again is don't set yourself up. Avoid your former lover if you are vulnerable to that. Avoid places that you used to go. Avoid places that you remember are romantic places with someone else. Avoid situations that are a setup. This is where you honesty comes in. Know your setups and don't go there.

How do I ask for forgiveness after I have been unfaithful to my spouse?

Seeking forgiveness after being unfaithful is the first step of the healing process. When you seek forgiveness, you've got to be prepared that you may not get it right away, or you may get it in stages. You have to be open to taking responsibility for your choices, and saying I am sorry, authentically, over and over again. When asking for forgiveness for being unfaithful, you also have to be willing to make your life an open book, because your partner is not going to trust you very much. The seeking of forgiveness is saying, "I am so sorry I betrayed you. I know how much I've hurt you" - and making that real, not because you're thinking that's what they want to hear, but it coming from authentically you. "I am sorry. I recognize my actions have hurt you, and I want to rebuild. I love you. I want to come home and stay home. Please take me back. Please forgive me." Over and over and over again. And be patient, because it may take a while for your partner to be able to forgive you after you have unfaithful.

How can I ease my guilt after ending my affair?

Usually when we have an affair, there's a bond there. It doesn't matter really either whether it's a cyber affair, an emotional affair, or definitely with a physical affair; you've gotten close to somebody. There's going to be withdrawal; you're going to feel sad because there's a vacuum there. You were expressing all of this emotion and love and contact and 'pffft'. Now there's none. So, it is appropriate and unfortunate you're going to feel sad, you're going to feel depressed, you're grieving, and you're going through loss. You're going to be going through a lot of feelings beside sadness; you're going to be feeling some anger, you're going to be feeling angry that you had to end the affair, you're going to be angry at your spouse if you've been busted, and you're going to be angry that you can't have everything, your cake and eat it too. You're going to be sad because you're going to be missing whatever that person filled in you. It's time to understand that you got yourself in this mess; you're going to have feelings, they're natural. You're going to have to feel the feelings. Maybe do some writing about them. Try to connect with your partner as much as you can. Certain feelings, especially ones about being sad about your loss, you're probably not going to be able to share with your partner. Talk to some friends, go to a therapist, talk to your spiritual leader, your pastor, or your priest. Get the feelings out, understand that they're natural. They will pass. You've also got to move on beyond the affair and this is the step to take. Feel the feelings and move on. Of course you feel guilty, you messed up. You have created this havoc. There may be a reason why you were drawn to go outside of your relationship to get your needs met. Guilt's a natural by-product. Of course you feel guilty, and what you can do with the guilt is take actions to make amends with your partner. Take your guilt and rather than going mea culpa, mea culpa, with the knife, try to turn it into love, "I'm so sorry. I love you. I feel awful". Truthfully, your partner wants to know you feel awful. It's good you feel awful, that you feel guilty, and that you want to make amends. Be prepared to make amends. Make amends by being an open book, by answering your partners questions, by recognizing that you've hurt your partner and that your partner is going to need a lot of proof that you're really coming back home before they're going to trust you again. Guilt is actually in this case a good motivator for taking action towards your partner. Don't close up in it and feel sorry for yourself; let your partner know how bad you feel and make amends. Find out what they need, and what you can do to change the situation; to make the situation better.

If You Are Cheating.

I love my spouse, so why am I having an affair?

It can be really confusing when here you are having an affair and you also love your spouse. It can be that you're having your cake and eating it too. One person can't give you everything, so what you're not getting at home, you may be seeking outside of your home. The problem is, this could be devastating to your partner, devastating to what happens if you are found out, and devastating to the sanctity of this marriage that you say you love, so why are you doing it? Chances are you've got a need that needs to be fulfilled. Start there. Look at what it is that this relationship outside of your marriage is fulfilling and see if you can bring it so that you can get this need fulfilled in your relationship, or outside your relationship but in a totally different way to having sex, a romantic attraction, or emotional intimacy with another person. That is not going to be the answer to fulfilling a relationship at home. If you love your partner, start bringing your attention, your energy, and focus back home to your partner. Trust me; if you love him now, you're going to love him a lot more when your relationship is more solid, more exciting and you have more attraction going on there than outside.

How do I end my affair?

When ending an affair, you've got to do it clearly and without any kind of double messages. You cannot see that person again. You're not going to even meet them to break up with them. You send a letter, you make a call, you send an email, but you do not have physical contact with this person. You're vulnerable. You care about this person. You've had interaction with this person. You've got to cut it off and you cannot leave any doors open for possibility. You don't end it with, "I'll love you forever." No. You've got to close off the options for yourself, and you've got to close off the options for the person you had the affair with. "This is the bottom line. Goodbye. I can't see you anymore." You also have to be prepared: you're going to have withdrawal. This person fulfilled a certain need within you. You are going to want to have contact whenever you get that hit of desire or that hit of emptiness, so you have to be prepared for some withdrawal symptoms, and have a plan of action of how to fulfill them. It might be spending more time with your partner at home, spending more time integrating them into your life, getting close with them and filling this void of leaving your lover with your spouse.

How can I stop obsessing about my lover?

An affair represents a man and a woman giving each other total attention: love, nurturance. You're sharing something. You're giving each other full attention. There's something getting fulfilled in you. Suddenly, you stop the affair. There's a void there. It's almost like an addiction. You can almost think of your affair as being like heroin, and you are coming off heroin. It is natural to crave and obsess about this person; to desire this person. It's also important that you stay away from your drug. You cannot go near the drug. You can't call the drug. You can't get a little dose of the drug. It's going to re-hook you, and it's going to mess up your current relationship that you're trying to rebuild and to which you're trying to be honest and loyal. So, the obsessing; we've got to stop it. You cannot indulge, because even in the obsessing, you're giving yourself a piece of the drug. Remembering, wishing, fantasizing, hoping; you've got to stop it. You've got to stop it. Make yourself stop. Instead of the pleasure, remember what a mess you got yourself into, and how much pain this could create for your family if they find out, or is creating for your family if they already have found out. You're already in a mess. Don't make it messier. You've chosen to stop the drug. You've got to stop the drug. Obsessing isn't going to help you. It's going to make you want it more, so stop the thinking. Stop the thinking. Distract yourself. Distract yourself. Get involved in a hobby, an activity; something to else to fill the void until you are over that person. Start focusing, once again on "How do I bring pleasure back to my home, to my relationship with my partner? How do I fill this void with the love of giving to my partner?"

What To Do If Your Spouse is Cheating.

What do I do if I believe that my spouse is having an affair?

If you suspect that your spouse is having an affair, and you want to confront your spouse, my first concern and question for you is "Are you ready for the truth?" and if you say "Yes, I'm ready", here are some important things to know. Do not hurl accusations. Ask. Be curious. Be open. If you're suspecting, chances are you're pretty pissed already. You're going "How could this person do it to me?". You have to make sure that when you ask, you're already coming from a place of openness; of desire to know. Chances are, what's going to happen is you're going to get a wall. You're going to get denial. You're going to get blame. You're going to get someone turning it on you, saying "No. Absolutely not.", because their job is deception; for you not to know. For them, for you to know means a whole life change, so they're not going to go "Well, caught. Darn it". Understand that you may not get the truth at first, but how you present it is to be curious. Say "I want to know. I want to know because I'm suspecting this. Here's proof I've got and I want us to have an opportunity to move beyond this right now, and I need the truth. I need to know. Let's stop the lie and let's start telling the truth to each other."

What do I do if I discover that my spouse is having an affair?

Let's say you have proof positive that your partner is having an affair. You've got a letter that shows so, or you've got the phone call from the lover, or you hired a detective that shows you photographs. So, you've got the information there, and you can't deny it. Now you just want the truth out. OK. If you've got facts; you've got something concrete, that's certainly a way to present your claim and to seek the truth. Ideally, in a perfect world, if you really want to save your relationship, you can start with positive intention. There's a technique called the Oreo cookie, and essentially, you start with the positive. I know, by the way, that you're not happy with this information, and what I'm about to tell you may not be easy, but try this, because it will make a miraculous difference in opening the line of communication. So, you start with what it is you want. Hopefully, even if you're really angry right now, you want to get to the bottom of this and you want to save your relationship, and hopefully there still is some love in there that you're fighting for, so start with "I love you. I'm devastated. I need to talk to you about this. I want to hear the truth. Let's start here." Show them what you have got. That's the filling. "This is what I believe. This is what I know. This is how it makes me feel," and then close it with love. Close it with the chocolate. "I want to make this work. I want us to get through this. I don't even know how we're going to get through this. I want to get through this, and this is what I need from you."

What do I do if my spouse won't admit to having an affair?

It's not a surprise if you confront your partner and they deny ever having an affair or try to turn it on you or make it look like you're paranoid or suspicious no matter what you present. Because to admit to it is to change, to give up their freedom, and to not be able to do what their doing. To have to stop what they're doing when they may not be ready to. Their reaction that they know the truth will devastate you and they're trying to protect you. So the normal reaction of a confronted spouse is to deny the affair for a number of reasons, and they're not always bad. What you have to do is keep pressing for the truth, to keep asking what you want. Because you're in charge of the situation, especially the more proof you have, the more you know, and the more you want to get to the bottom of it. If you can do it with some love, if you can do it when you're not raging and hurling accusations, the chances are your partner will ultimately pass up.

What do I do if I catch my spouse in the act of cheating?

If you've caught your partner in the act of cheating, the problem is you have the visual picture in front of you. It's not in your imagination. It's hard to rationalize that it's not happening no matter what the proof, maybe the email I read isn't real. It's in your senses. A lot of stress and trauma comes from knowing there's an affair in your house and there's been a breach of trust. When you see it and there's the visual and you know it without a doubt, it's even more traumatic. It's very important that you give yourself a lot of nourishment as your reaction is going to be shock, trauma, anger, depression, and all of that's going to happen because you're traumatized. There's something called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). That's what happens to us when we find out something or are traumatized. So you need to understand that what you're going to need now is a whole bunch of self-care. A whole bunch of not re-traumatizing yourself, not replaying the scene over and over again in your head. So take really good care of yourself, and stop the thoughts. Every time you start going back to the scene of the crime, come back to reality. Touch your heart and go "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to take care of you." Because your self-care right now is the most important thing you can be doing.

What do I do if I know my spouse is having an affair with a friend of mine?

If you find out that your partner; your spouse, and your friend have been cheating on you, and have been having an affair, it's a double whammy. It's a double betrayal. Not only is it a betrayal by your partner who you've trusted, but also by your friend you've trusted; you're losing two for the price of one. Finding out that someone you've cared about; your friend, your husband or wife is having an affair is traumatic. You are going to have many emotional reactions. The bottom may feel like it's falling out of your life. Who can you trust? The most important thing is to build self-trust because you're going to have lots of feelings; lots of feeling towards your partner, lots of feelings about your friend, and lots of feeling about yourself and what the betrayal is doing to you. It's really important now, above all, to take care of yourself; to be really gentle and really loving as you rebuild. Whatever actions you end up taking at the end of this, right now the place to begin is to truly hold yourself, rebuild trust. The first question that comes up often is “How could I have been so dumb?” “How could I be so blind-sided?” So, start by rebuilding trust, awareness, and awakening in you. Take good care of yourself. That's where you begin.

What do I do if my spouse is ambivalent about stopping his or her affair?

If your partner, your spouse, is ambivalent about stopping the affair, there's nowhere to go. That affair must stop. If your partner is wavering going “Well, can't I have both?" Unless you're okay with renegotiating you're contract, and you may be, maybe what you have and you want a little more, then renegotiate the contract. And its maybe not infidelity anymore because you're both on the same page, but if you're expecting to rebuild your relationship. You want to rebuild closeness and trust and intimacy: you're partner must end the affair. It's the only way for your relationship to begin again.

How To Prevent Infidelity

How do I know if my marriage is vulnerable to infidelity?

There are some vulnerabilities that can lead you or your partner to an affair. Lets look at the personal ones first. The personal vulnerabilities are who you hanging out with? If your hanging out with a lot of single friends going to places where there is a lot of single people, thats vulnerable! If your relationship at home is not neccessarily connecting or communicating, that is vulnerability. If you are working late hours and developing deep friendships with co-workers of the opposite sex; that's another vulnerability. If your relationship has suddenly turned more child centered, and suddenly all your focus is towards the family and there is not a lot going towards each other; that can make one or both of you vulnerable to seeking attention outside the relationship. Take a look at your sex life, are you feeling it? Are you spending time together intimately. If not, that could pose a vulnerablitilty where you seek those needs outside. These are just a few of the vulnerabilities that can weaken your relationship and open you up to seeking your needs outside.

Should I avoid friendships with people I'm highly attracted to?

I'm often asked. Okay, I ‘ve got a gorgeous friend and I'm kind of attracted to her, but I'm married; is it okay to pursue this friendship? Come on what do you think? Do you not think this is a huge vulnerability? Come on, take a look at the situation. You're attracted to this person, and you're developing a friendship. the friendship means that you're opening up, you're sharing and you're attracted to this person. This is a path that's very dangerous. Look at all the energy that's its going to take to not fall in love, and to not be sexual. Even in that tug of war, you're taking it away from your family, and you're taking that energy away from your spouse. If you can take this desire to connect with this friend and make your spouse this friend and take this energy and connect with your spouse. It's going to be better energy served and there's going to be lots more in return. Stay away from the friend that you're attracted to if you're married.

How can I "affair-proof" my marriage?

The way to "affair-proof" your marriage is to make your marriage strong. It's about trust, it's about open communication, it's about intimacy and about sharing with each other who you are. Take time to spend time together. Make love deposits into the bank account of your marriage. Look at what is positive, tell each other everyday what you are grateful for. That not only makes your partner feel good, but makes you feel good, too. Find some common things that you can do together. Integrate your lives more so that you are an integral and integrated part of your social life, not only your married life. Come home every night. When it comes to traveling, bring your partner with you as much as you possibly can. Build your relationship. It's going to give you such a strong foundation and it's just going to make your love grow. When there's love at home that is strong, who needs more outside?

How do I avoid cheating on my spouse?

How to avoid cheating on your spouse is an issue because we all know that fidelity is a virtue, but it's truly a learned skill. Fidelity is not something we're born with and is something inherited. You've got to learn to be faithful to your bond in order to avoid cheating on your spouse. Your bond has to have more meaning than this desire that may be pulling you away from it. So, how do you avoid cheating? One, know your vulnerabilities, know what it is that makes your eyes or heart stray or know that desire to start giving your heart to someone else. Understand that you are going to be tempted. Avoid temptation, avoid situations that make you tempted. Do not put yourself in a situation where you're going to be meeting people alone, with your wedding ring off. Make sure that your wedding ring is on display, not only for the world to know, but for you to remember, "Oh yes, fidelity, bond, integrity, promise." Wear that wedding ring on your heart and in your mind as well as on your finger.

How to Detect Infidelity

What are the red flags that my spouse is cheating on me?

Some red flags signifying that your spouse may be cheating you are they're not home very much. They're suddenly, even when home, not very available to you. They're rather evasive about what they're doing in the day. Suddenly, when you're asking a lot of questions, they may get defensive, like, "Well, what's this cross-examination? What, you don't trust me?" They may start turning it on you, like "What's wrong with you? Why are you so suspicious?" Or, they may be even extra, extra, extra-nice out of the blue for no reason at all, as if they're covering something up. Also, is there a change? Are they suddenly getting dressed nicer, changing their style when they're leaving the house? Or how they smell in the morning, leaving, and how they smell coming home at night might be an indication. If they left smelling like Safeguard and came home smelling like Dove, that's a little suspicious. Those are just a few red flags.

How do I handle the guilt of having cheated on my spouse?

So you've cheated and now you feel bad. That's a good sign actually, that you are feeling bad, because you're recognizing what a mess this could put your marriage into. So, the first thing is to stop having the affair; stop having the affair. That's the most important thing you can do because you can sit there feeling bad all you want, but it's time to take action, because until the affair stops, you're not going to be able to go home fully to your partner, in honesty, in clarity, and in full presence. You have to stop having the affair. It may not stop you from feeling bad, because guilt is a natural reaction to when you do something that you don't feel good about, but your guilt is a beginning to starting to focus on your marriage again and heal what's there.

How can I avoid my spouse discovering I cheated on him or her?

You cheated, you swear it's only once, and then you don't want to get caught. Okay, then it's probably not a good idea to be talking about it. You have to pray that nobody saw you when you did it. I think it's really important to take a personal inventory on why you did it. If it's because you got drunk and "Whoops!"; you'd better not do that again because that's vulnerability. If you're on a business trip and someone came up and solicited you and you thought “Ah, why not?”; now you know why not. So, the deal is whoever you did it with; have no more contact with that person. You need to make a really strong deal with yourself, and silently with your spouse, that you're not going to do that anymore.

Should I hire a private detective if I suspect my spouse is cheating?

If you think your spouse, your partner, or your beloved is cheating on you and you really have that sense and you have the funds, hiring a private eye is going to perhaps bring a relief because you'll find out “yes” or “no” on whether or not what you suspect is true. The danger is that you may find out “yes.” Then what do you do? So, before you hire a private eye think about whether or not you are ready to truly hear whatever the truth is.

Is it true that most cheaters who get caught subconsciously want to be caught?

Sometimes when we cheat, we may want to be caught because the reason we're cheating is we want to get out of the marriage. So instead of going directly to our partner and saying “I want a divorce”, we try to get them so angry or upset with us that they'll divorce us and then we don't have to feel guilty. And, meanwhile we're having some fun or at least when we're getting so miserable in our marriage we're getting some pleasure outside our marriage. If you want a divorce, don't do this to your partner. This is so cruel to leave little signs like sometimes you might leave your cell phone that shows all the calls or accidentally leave the letters that you and your lover are writing or receipts around the house that shows you sent flowers. This is not a good idea. Go directly to your partner. If you're leaving those signs and you are noticing your partner starting to become suspicious and you're kind of going “Am I about to get caught”? Go direct.

About Infidelity

What is "adultery"?

Adultery is when you're married and you are having sex with someone that you're not married to.

What is "infidelity"?

Infidelity is a breach of trust. It's literally being unfaithful to a promise that you made to your partner. If you promised your partner that you are going to have, are planning to live in, and are living in, a monogamous relationship, and you are flirting with other people, having romantic liaisons, or having sex with another person; that is being unfaithful. That is cheating; that is infidelity.

What is an "affair"?

An affair is a romantic liaison or a sexual liaison with another person to whom you're not married. Now there are usually 3 components to an affair; secrecy, attraction, and emotional or sexual connection. Often in an affair we are in the romantic stage, or the honeymoon stage of relationship, and the danger of an affair is that when we try to compare it with the everyday life with our partner, our partner tends to fade in comparison because that's a different level; a deeper level of relationship. An affair keeps it more at a surface romantic level, and in a way that's what makes it become very addictive.

What is a "cyber affair"?

A cyber affair is when you meet a person, or a number of people, online and you start having a romantic or sexual attachment to them. Even if it's not in the physical world, you are suddenly putting your focus on that person. During a cyber affair, you can't wait to get online and reconnect, and you start thinking and fantasizing about that person or persons during the day. You are having an affair, and the problem is it will take increasing amounts of time and attention away from your family, away from your work and away from your marriage.

What is "cybersex"?

Cybersex - also known as cybering or internet sex - is when you're going online and literally having sex, or getting titillated by interacting with another person or a group of people. Cybersex is where you are sharing your fantasies and where you're talking about your sex life. You might even be masturbating as you do it, or asking them what they're doing. With webcams, there's even the show-and-tell aspect to it all. The bottom line of cybersex is you're taking it out of your relationship, you're taking the connection away from your spouse and you're having an affair with someone else.

What are some common causes of affairs?

There are a number of causes of affairs. A chasm in your relationship is usually the cause. If there is a lot of emotional distance in your relationship, if your sex life isn't happening or if you are bored in your relationship. Also, if you are perhaps going through some changes in your relationship. Maybe a baby is due and enough attention isn't being paid to each other anymore. Or you are starting to feel your self esteem plummet and you need to go outside of the relationship to get that booster, for example in an affair with another partner. Also, if you are working a lot and you're starting to build new friendships with people of the opposite sex. You're going on many business trips and you're lonely. These are all vulnerabilities which can potentially be causes of and lead to an affair.

Do women and men have affairs for different reasons?

There are some differences in what may lead a woman or a man to having an affair. Often, women are seeking love, intimacy, and emotional closeness. If they're not getting it at home, if there's a lot of emotional distance, if their partner is more concerned with other things, or if they're not feeling valued they may turn to someone else to get that emotional connection and valuing. Men often have affairs because they're sexually bored or they're feeling insecure in that area. Or, they're feeling very entitled and very secure. But often men will have affairs because they're desiring sex and physical closeness.