Maintaining Control During Divorce

How can I gain more control over my divorce?

You recognize what you want. You seek the help you need to achieve that and you work very hard with that person or persons to do that. You pick the right lawyer, you pick the right therapist.. You don't hang around with people who are going to assist you in over indulging, swallowing your sorrows with a glass of scotch. A glass here and there is fine, but hanging out at the bar? Sitting at Cheers for the rest of your life is not what you want to be doing. You have to take control over the process, know when you can't control it and know who can help you control yourself in the process.

How do I control my divorce, while keeping conflict to a minimum?

They say that if a woman wants to get engaged, she has to make it the guy's idea? You control your divorce by manipulating it, and I mean that in a good way. You set up the threshold so that your ex-spouse capitulates to what you want. You negotiate in a way that lets them come to you. Let me give you an example: you are dealing with somebody who has to have the last word. You set the divorce up so that you have more room to negotiate so they can have the last word. Another example is somebody who has to think it's their idea, so you ask for something remotely different so that they then invite you to settle the divorce on your own terms. Controlling your divorce takes a lot of thought and planning.

What causes control to shift during divorce?

The court takes over and assumes control of a divorce; somebody picks the wrong lawyer and that lawyer takes control; somebody's health is affected and control can shift; there is a bad court outcome and as a result, things need to shift. The weather can be bad, and that can affect a custody exchange and a shift of control between the individuals during a divorce.

How do I know if I'm being controlled by my spouse in our divorce?

Well--you can take my little test, you can talk to your therapist, you can have a self-discussion, you can talk to your lawyer. Many people going through the process absolutely feel controlled by the other side. And sometimes they are and that's the process, and sometimes they're not; they're just acting out.

What are the "Big Six" control areas in divorce?

The "Big Six" control areas in divorce are: money; health (physical and emotional); children; growth (personal or professional); loss of love and intimacy; fear - real fear, perceived fear, emotional fear, physical fear.

What are the three fronts of the control war in divorce?

What are the three control wars, as the title, or the subtitle of my book is "Divorce: It's All About Control- How to Win the Emotional, Psychological, and Legal Wars."

What is the main issue in a divorce control war?

One may think that the most pervasive and prevalent divorce control war is the legal war, and yes it may be the most obvious, but I believe that the emotional wars are the most pervasive. Not everybody litigates in court, but everybody going through a divorce deals in an emotional battle within themselves and with their ex, their children and their environment.

What are "head trips" in divorce?

Head trips are part of the emotional divorce war at the basic level and part of the psychological war in the more sinister example. Messing with somebody's head in an emotional war, showing up at the baseball game of your son with a new trixie on your arm: you're messing with somebody's head. In a psychological divorce war, you're manipulating them with the goal of trying to make them think they're crazy.

How do I cope with head trips in my divorce?

To cope with head trips during your divorce, talk to your lawyer, and you talk to your therapist to make sure that the head trips are not real. For example, if somebody is threatening you and is making you feel like they may physically hurt you, you have to take that seriously. Maybe they will: in the divorce field people get killed. You have to take threats seriously and share your fears and your concerns with the experts, your lawyer, your therapist, etc.

What are "mind games" in divorce?

Mind games are people messing with your head trying to make you believe that you are crazy or that something may have happened or didn't happen the way you remembered. For example, you are having a drink with your ex and he orders a drink for you that he knows is not your drink of choice but the women you thought he was having an affair with.

How do I protect my kids in a divorce control war?

You do your darndest not to engage. You do not put them in the middle of a divorce control war. You do not embroil them. You do not discuss the divorce with them. You protect them and work very hard with your ex, so that he or she does the same. It doesn't always work.