Every life has its milestones. Not only the big ones like birth marriage and death, but many smaller ones – birthdays, moving school, Christmas, even sports days - and these are the ones you often miss after separation.
Until you’re on your own, you often don’t realise just how much you will miss. Indeed, if you and your partner break up before your child is born, you can miss out on the birth, which can be a huge loss. What can you do about missing milestones in the lives of your children, and how can you arrange things so you don’t miss them all?
Missing the Milestones
The nature of contact means that you’re bound to miss many of the milestones in the lives of your children. You won’t generally be invited to birthday parties, and their Christmases will generally be spent with their mother and her family. In most cases, though, not being physically present doesn’t mean complete exclusion. You will have contact close to the time, and you can use that as a celebration. You can also phone them, send birthday and Christmas cards, and presents either to be opened on the day or when your kids are with you. It’s not the same things, but it does tell your children that you remember and that you care.
With parental responsibility, you can be legally involved in where your children go to school, so when they move up, you can have a say in things. Listen to what your kids want in this; after all, their involvement is direct. Then contact your ex and offer your recommendations. She is probably the one who’ll attend parents’ evenings at schools.
If relations with her are good, ask her what the teachers have been saying about your children. Ask the kids to bring their reports and sit down and talk to them about the comments.
Of course, in some instances relations with your ex are so bad that there can be little civil contact between you. This presents problems, but on major issues you can invoke parental responsibility to make your views heard.
Being There For Milestones
At times you might be able to negotiate things so your children spend a birthday or Christmas with you, or that you can attend a school event instead of your ex (in some important instances, it might even be possible for the two of you to go together). You might not consider it at the time, but if you’re negotiating directly with your ex for contact, try to have every other Christmas as part of the arrangement (or at the very least, Boxing Day). It allows you to celebrate at least some of the holidays with your children, and on a personal level, can greatly brighten what can be a very lonely season for you.
As far as possible, you should try to be involved in the milestones of your children’s lives. No, you may not be there the first time they successfully ride a bike, but you can perhaps arrange to attend a school sports day where they’re running – in fact, your ex might be glad to let you go in her stead at times.
It’s not easy, and inevitably you’ll miss more than you attend (indeed, where you have no chance to be involved, even though you want to be, you’ll miss them all, which can be heartbreaking). But make the most of the milestones for which you’re there; enjoy them with your kids.
Showing posts with label single father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single father. Show all posts
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Missing Important Milestones in Your Child's Life
Every life has its milestones. Not only the big ones like birth marriage and death, but many smaller ones – birthdays, moving school, Christmas, even sports days - and these are the ones you often miss after separation.
Until you’re on your own, you often don’t realise just how much you will miss. Indeed, if you and your partner break up before your child is born, you can miss out on the birth, which can be a huge loss. What can you do about missing milestones in the lives of your children, and how can you arrange things so you don’t miss them all?
Missing the Milestones
The nature of contact means that you’re bound to miss many of the milestones in the lives of your children. You won’t generally be invited to birthday parties, and their Christmases will generally be spent with their mother and her family. In most cases, though, not being physically present doesn’t mean complete exclusion. You will have contact close to the time, and you can use that as a celebration. You can also phone them, send birthday and Christmas cards, and presents either to be opened on the day or when your kids are with you. It’s not the same things, but it does tell your children that you remember and that you care.
With parental responsibility, you can be legally involved in where your children go to school, so when they move up, you can have a say in things. Listen to what your kids want in this; after all, their involvement is direct. Then contact your ex and offer your recommendations. She is probably the one who’ll attend parents’ evenings at schools.
If relations with her are good, ask her what the teachers have been saying about your children. Ask the kids to bring their reports and sit down and talk to them about the comments.
Of course, in some instances relations with your ex are so bad that there can be little civil contact between you. This presents problems, but on major issues you can invoke parental responsibility to make your views heard.
Being There For Milestones
At times you might be able to negotiate things so your children spend a birthday or Christmas with you, or that you can attend a school event instead of your ex (in some important instances, it might even be possible for the two of you to go together). You might not consider it at the time, but if you’re negotiating directly with your ex for contact, try to have every other Christmas as part of the arrangement (or at the very least, Boxing Day). It allows you to celebrate at least some of the holidays with your children, and on a personal level, can greatly brighten what can be a very lonely season for you.
As far as possible, you should try to be involved in the milestones of your children’s lives. No, you may not be there the first time they successfully ride a bike, but you can perhaps arrange to attend a school sports day where they’re running – in fact, your ex might be glad to let you go in her stead at times.
It’s not easy, and inevitably you’ll miss more than you attend (indeed, where you have no chance to be involved, even though you want to be, you’ll miss them all, which can be heartbreaking). But make the most of the milestones for which you’re there; enjoy them with your kids.
Until you’re on your own, you often don’t realise just how much you will miss. Indeed, if you and your partner break up before your child is born, you can miss out on the birth, which can be a huge loss. What can you do about missing milestones in the lives of your children, and how can you arrange things so you don’t miss them all?
Missing the Milestones
The nature of contact means that you’re bound to miss many of the milestones in the lives of your children. You won’t generally be invited to birthday parties, and their Christmases will generally be spent with their mother and her family. In most cases, though, not being physically present doesn’t mean complete exclusion. You will have contact close to the time, and you can use that as a celebration. You can also phone them, send birthday and Christmas cards, and presents either to be opened on the day or when your kids are with you. It’s not the same things, but it does tell your children that you remember and that you care.
With parental responsibility, you can be legally involved in where your children go to school, so when they move up, you can have a say in things. Listen to what your kids want in this; after all, their involvement is direct. Then contact your ex and offer your recommendations. She is probably the one who’ll attend parents’ evenings at schools.
If relations with her are good, ask her what the teachers have been saying about your children. Ask the kids to bring their reports and sit down and talk to them about the comments.
Of course, in some instances relations with your ex are so bad that there can be little civil contact between you. This presents problems, but on major issues you can invoke parental responsibility to make your views heard.
Being There For Milestones
At times you might be able to negotiate things so your children spend a birthday or Christmas with you, or that you can attend a school event instead of your ex (in some important instances, it might even be possible for the two of you to go together). You might not consider it at the time, but if you’re negotiating directly with your ex for contact, try to have every other Christmas as part of the arrangement (or at the very least, Boxing Day). It allows you to celebrate at least some of the holidays with your children, and on a personal level, can greatly brighten what can be a very lonely season for you.
As far as possible, you should try to be involved in the milestones of your children’s lives. No, you may not be there the first time they successfully ride a bike, but you can perhaps arrange to attend a school sports day where they’re running – in fact, your ex might be glad to let you go in her stead at times.
It’s not easy, and inevitably you’ll miss more than you attend (indeed, where you have no chance to be involved, even though you want to be, you’ll miss them all, which can be heartbreaking). But make the most of the milestones for which you’re there; enjoy them with your kids.
Housing for Separated Fathers
With separation, housing becomes an urgent and thorny issue. You might well own your current house with your partner – what happens to that, and especially the money you have tied up in it? Even if you’re renting, there are issues that need to be faced. As for where you go, what’s the best path to take, renting or buying another property?
Your Current House
If you’ve been renting your house, and one of you will be remaining, in whose name is the lease? If it’s in your name and you’re moving out, both you and your ex should be aware that there’s no automatic transfer of lease to her. You’ll need to talk to the landlord and make new arrangements. You’ll also want your deposit back, since the amount will be very useful when renting a new place.
If you own, the two of you will need to make arrangements for your property. If it’s owned jointly, as most are, you have two choices. If one of you intends to remain in the house, that person will have to buy out the other. You can also decide to sell the house and split the money. If your partner is buying you out, make sure the arrangements aren’t just private, but registered through the building society, so you’re formally released from the mortgage. If not, then legally the property will still be classed as partly yours, and if your ex defaults on the mortgage, it can adversely ruin your credit rating.
Where to Move?
When you leave, you can either buy a new house or rent. Rental has many attractions in the short term, as you decide what you want to do and where you want to live. Be aware that most rentals are on renewable short-term six month leases. You’ll initially pay the first month’s rent plus a deposit (usually equal to a month’s rent) which can be refunded when you leave, as long as the property is in good condition.
You might consider renting with a friend, but make sure both your names are on the lease, otherwise, if the other person is named as the renter and moves out, you might find yourself homeless.
If you decide to buy, you’ll almost certainly have to downsize, since you’ll be relying on just your income rather than that of a couple. However, with a 100% mortgage you won’t need a down payment, although, with some mortgages you might need to find money for stamp duty, valuation fees and legal fees. Don’t be afraid to shop around for the best deal.
Before you look at any property, make a checklist of what you need. Apart from the basics, each of your children should have their own bedroom (budget and the number of children might not make this possible), and there should be a garden where your kids can play. If you buy, even if it’s just a small property, it puts you back on the property ladder, and if you can make a good down payment, your monthly mortgage might be less than rent.
The other question is where you should buy or rent. There are distinct advantages in staying close to your former home, since it makes contact with your children much easier. However, some separated fathers prefer to move away. This can be a job, the desire to make a clean break, or cheaper housing prices in another part of the country. There are pluses and minuses to both that you need to weight for yourself.
When You Move
Regardless of where you move, when you do switch addresses there are some things you need to do. Before you transport everything to your new place, go through items – do you need or even want them? Moving is always a good opportunity for a clearout.
You’ll also need to inform people about your change of address. That’s not only friends, but the following: banks, building societies, any pensions you receive, National Insurance, Inland Revenue, credit card companies, DVLA, insurance and your GP. This will ensure that important items of mail follow you to your new home.
Your Current House
If you’ve been renting your house, and one of you will be remaining, in whose name is the lease? If it’s in your name and you’re moving out, both you and your ex should be aware that there’s no automatic transfer of lease to her. You’ll need to talk to the landlord and make new arrangements. You’ll also want your deposit back, since the amount will be very useful when renting a new place.
If you own, the two of you will need to make arrangements for your property. If it’s owned jointly, as most are, you have two choices. If one of you intends to remain in the house, that person will have to buy out the other. You can also decide to sell the house and split the money. If your partner is buying you out, make sure the arrangements aren’t just private, but registered through the building society, so you’re formally released from the mortgage. If not, then legally the property will still be classed as partly yours, and if your ex defaults on the mortgage, it can adversely ruin your credit rating.
Where to Move?
When you leave, you can either buy a new house or rent. Rental has many attractions in the short term, as you decide what you want to do and where you want to live. Be aware that most rentals are on renewable short-term six month leases. You’ll initially pay the first month’s rent plus a deposit (usually equal to a month’s rent) which can be refunded when you leave, as long as the property is in good condition.
You might consider renting with a friend, but make sure both your names are on the lease, otherwise, if the other person is named as the renter and moves out, you might find yourself homeless.
If you decide to buy, you’ll almost certainly have to downsize, since you’ll be relying on just your income rather than that of a couple. However, with a 100% mortgage you won’t need a down payment, although, with some mortgages you might need to find money for stamp duty, valuation fees and legal fees. Don’t be afraid to shop around for the best deal.
Before you look at any property, make a checklist of what you need. Apart from the basics, each of your children should have their own bedroom (budget and the number of children might not make this possible), and there should be a garden where your kids can play. If you buy, even if it’s just a small property, it puts you back on the property ladder, and if you can make a good down payment, your monthly mortgage might be less than rent.
The other question is where you should buy or rent. There are distinct advantages in staying close to your former home, since it makes contact with your children much easier. However, some separated fathers prefer to move away. This can be a job, the desire to make a clean break, or cheaper housing prices in another part of the country. There are pluses and minuses to both that you need to weight for yourself.
When You Move
Regardless of where you move, when you do switch addresses there are some things you need to do. Before you transport everything to your new place, go through items – do you need or even want them? Moving is always a good opportunity for a clearout.
You’ll also need to inform people about your change of address. That’s not only friends, but the following: banks, building societies, any pensions you receive, National Insurance, Inland Revenue, credit card companies, DVLA, insurance and your GP. This will ensure that important items of mail follow you to your new home.
Coping Financially After a Separation
There’s a lot more to separation that learning to deal with a new emotional state or making arrangements regarding your children. In practical terms sorting out your finances can be one of the trickiest areas.
If you and your ex have any joint bank or building society accounts, you’ll need to close them and re-open as individual accounts.
The simple fact is that you’re almost certainly going to have less money than you did before. Where you’d probably been used to two incomes, there will now be only one, and that will be further depleted by whatever you have to pay in maintenance for your child, which can take a serious chunk – possibly a quarter – off your net income.
Living With Less
The very first thing to do is review your finances. There might have been direct debits relating to your old relationship that no longer apply (phone bills, Sky or cable, etc). Make sure you cancel these.
If you’re paying into a pension or an ISA, take a look at how much you’re contributing and consider reducing it. In the long run you’ll want to re-assess, but in the short term, you can probably use the cash for day-to-day bills.
Take a look at exactly what you need to survive each month – rent or mortgage, council tax, heat, electricity, food. There might be very little left over, so you’ll need to set yourself a budget, and make sure you stick to it. If at all possible, try and save some money each week, even if it’s only £5.
Ideally, you should have a cushion of money in the bank, the equivalent of three to six months’ salary in case of emergencies or unemployment. However, in a lot of cases that simply isn’t possible, so saving slowly – and making sure you don’t touch the amount unless it’s absolutely necessary – will help.
If you smoke, this is the perfect incentive to stop – at 20 a day you’ll be saving well over £100 a month, which you can use for other things.
How to Make More Money
It might be worth dusting off your CV and applying for a better job where you can earn more money. You can also look into part-time jobs that will work around your regular hours – but make sure you still leave time for contact with your children. With a part-time job, not only will you be making extra, but you’ll be around a new set of people, which can expand your social life, as an added bonus.
What Not To Do
One thing to avoid is using your credit cards. It might seem like a good option when money is tight, but it’s one that will come back to haunt you. You can quickly find yourself struggling in debt, and forced to turn to consumer credit counselling to extract yourself. Cut up most of your credit cards to avoid the temptation. Keep one for absolute, unavoidable emergencies.
Depression
One side effect of having very little money and constantly struggling to get by can be depression. If you find yourself succumbing to this, go in and talk to your GP. The doctor should be able to suggest remedies, including counselling, that could help alleviate your depression.
If you and your ex have any joint bank or building society accounts, you’ll need to close them and re-open as individual accounts.
The simple fact is that you’re almost certainly going to have less money than you did before. Where you’d probably been used to two incomes, there will now be only one, and that will be further depleted by whatever you have to pay in maintenance for your child, which can take a serious chunk – possibly a quarter – off your net income.
Living With Less
The very first thing to do is review your finances. There might have been direct debits relating to your old relationship that no longer apply (phone bills, Sky or cable, etc). Make sure you cancel these.
If you’re paying into a pension or an ISA, take a look at how much you’re contributing and consider reducing it. In the long run you’ll want to re-assess, but in the short term, you can probably use the cash for day-to-day bills.
Take a look at exactly what you need to survive each month – rent or mortgage, council tax, heat, electricity, food. There might be very little left over, so you’ll need to set yourself a budget, and make sure you stick to it. If at all possible, try and save some money each week, even if it’s only £5.
Ideally, you should have a cushion of money in the bank, the equivalent of three to six months’ salary in case of emergencies or unemployment. However, in a lot of cases that simply isn’t possible, so saving slowly – and making sure you don’t touch the amount unless it’s absolutely necessary – will help.
If you smoke, this is the perfect incentive to stop – at 20 a day you’ll be saving well over £100 a month, which you can use for other things.
How to Make More Money
It might be worth dusting off your CV and applying for a better job where you can earn more money. You can also look into part-time jobs that will work around your regular hours – but make sure you still leave time for contact with your children. With a part-time job, not only will you be making extra, but you’ll be around a new set of people, which can expand your social life, as an added bonus.
What Not To Do
One thing to avoid is using your credit cards. It might seem like a good option when money is tight, but it’s one that will come back to haunt you. You can quickly find yourself struggling in debt, and forced to turn to consumer credit counselling to extract yourself. Cut up most of your credit cards to avoid the temptation. Keep one for absolute, unavoidable emergencies.
Depression
One side effect of having very little money and constantly struggling to get by can be depression. If you find yourself succumbing to this, go in and talk to your GP. The doctor should be able to suggest remedies, including counselling, that could help alleviate your depression.
Building a New Financial Future After Separation
After separation your finances won’t be in the same shape they were when you were part of a couple. You’ll still have your bills to pay, plus monthly maintenance for your children, and have to do it all on a single income. So how do you work towards financial security in the future?
The Beginning
You’ll find that in many cases you’re starting from rock bottom, with barely enough money to scrape by, and budgeting each penny very carefully. You might well feel like you’re on a treadmill, and simply working to survive. But that’s the ideal time to start planning.
Put a little away every week, even if it’s only £5, in the highest interest savings account you can find. It’s money you should touch only in the event of an extreme emergency.
Be sure you make your credit card payments on time, even if you can only afford the minimum payment. Failure to do so can have an adverse effect on your credit rating which could have bad consequences in the future.
Make a Plan
Consider where you’d like to be financially in five years or 10 or 20. What will it take to achieve that? Be realistic about what it will take, and make a plan to get there. It might require being harsh with yourself, but as long as you have enough to cover your bills and get by, then it can be a workable idea.
If you come into extra money – overtime, a bonus, or even a bequest – salt a large portion of it away in your savings account. When you reach a certain amount - £1000, say – look around for a better opportunity for that money, where it will generate more money for you. Those opportunities vary, and the amount of return varies with the risk. Be conservative, and re-invest what you make.
As Time Passes
Saving can become a habit, and its one well worth learning. However, financial security, even on a small scale, won’t happen overnight. But over the course of several years, if you manage your money wisely, you’ll find yourself on an even keel and moving ahead.
It’s never too early to think ahead to retirement, even if you’re still young. Once you have a cushion of money underneath you (the general advice is enough to sustain you for three to six months, in case of unemployment), you’d do well to think about ISAs and pensions. Read carefully before making any decisions, and invest only what you can comfortably afford; there’s no point in stretching yourself too thin now to assure your future, since you still have to live.
Keep to the practice of living within your means. It might be nice to own a new car, but do you really need one, for instance? Think before you spend anything. Once you’ve paid off your credit cards, don’t take on any new ones, especially store cards, which generally carry a much higher rate of interest. Also, take advantage of deals to transfer existing balances and receive lower interest rates.
Reaping The Fruits
Your circumstances might change, for better or worse, so be willing to be flexible. If you meet a new long-term partner, then obviously your priorities will change a little. But whatever occurs, don’t lose your goal of financial security for yourself.
The Beginning
You’ll find that in many cases you’re starting from rock bottom, with barely enough money to scrape by, and budgeting each penny very carefully. You might well feel like you’re on a treadmill, and simply working to survive. But that’s the ideal time to start planning.
Put a little away every week, even if it’s only £5, in the highest interest savings account you can find. It’s money you should touch only in the event of an extreme emergency.
Be sure you make your credit card payments on time, even if you can only afford the minimum payment. Failure to do so can have an adverse effect on your credit rating which could have bad consequences in the future.
Make a Plan
Consider where you’d like to be financially in five years or 10 or 20. What will it take to achieve that? Be realistic about what it will take, and make a plan to get there. It might require being harsh with yourself, but as long as you have enough to cover your bills and get by, then it can be a workable idea.
If you come into extra money – overtime, a bonus, or even a bequest – salt a large portion of it away in your savings account. When you reach a certain amount - £1000, say – look around for a better opportunity for that money, where it will generate more money for you. Those opportunities vary, and the amount of return varies with the risk. Be conservative, and re-invest what you make.
As Time Passes
Saving can become a habit, and its one well worth learning. However, financial security, even on a small scale, won’t happen overnight. But over the course of several years, if you manage your money wisely, you’ll find yourself on an even keel and moving ahead.
It’s never too early to think ahead to retirement, even if you’re still young. Once you have a cushion of money underneath you (the general advice is enough to sustain you for three to six months, in case of unemployment), you’d do well to think about ISAs and pensions. Read carefully before making any decisions, and invest only what you can comfortably afford; there’s no point in stretching yourself too thin now to assure your future, since you still have to live.
Keep to the practice of living within your means. It might be nice to own a new car, but do you really need one, for instance? Think before you spend anything. Once you’ve paid off your credit cards, don’t take on any new ones, especially store cards, which generally carry a much higher rate of interest. Also, take advantage of deals to transfer existing balances and receive lower interest rates.
Reaping The Fruits
Your circumstances might change, for better or worse, so be willing to be flexible. If you meet a new long-term partner, then obviously your priorities will change a little. But whatever occurs, don’t lose your goal of financial security for yourself.
How a Separated Father Can Move on
Let’s start this by saying you never move on from your kids. They’re yours and with you to love as long as you live. They will bring you joy and grief and sleepless nights as they grow, whether you live with them or not. However, there are ways to move on from the pain of not being around them every day.
It’s not something that will happen overnight, or even in a matter of a few months. Like most things involving emotions, it’s a gradual process, but it’s one you can work through and emerge on the other side.
Setting Goals
One thing to help you is setting goals for where you want to be in a year, two years, and five years. Make them achievable – there’s no point aiming for the impossible, especially when you know it’s impossible. Working towards those goals can set you on a path where you can move ahead and leave the past behind. These can be emotional goals, work goals, educational goals, anything you like.
Set up markers for yourself so you can see how you progress. Even if things go slowly, you’re still going forward, and it’s still measurable.
Your Kids
At first you’ll find yourself missing your kids a lot, and wondering how your relationship with them will continue, whether it will suffer from your lack of presence. If you keep in close contact with them, though, and make the most of every opportunity for contact, things will turn out much better than you initially imagine.
However, that nervous feeling is likely to persist for a while, and you might find yourself walking on eggshells around your children, wanting them to be happy with you. But eventually you’ll relax, and simply be yourself with them. If you had a strong bond with your kids before, you’ll find that it won’t go away just because you’re not there every day. Remember, they’re probably as full of fears as you, wondering if you’ll still love them.
Over time you’ll relax around each other, and enjoy things just the way you used to before. In fact, since your time together will really be spent together, rather than in the same house doing other things, you might well become even closer.
Relationships
A good relationship is an excellent way to move on, but that’s not a reason to rush into one. Take your time and let things develop naturally. Two things you should have learnt from your split is that there are no guarantees in life, and that relationships take work. Rushing things, or trying to move too fast, can rupture something that might have been good. However much you might want to feel part of a couple again, let it grow naturally, if it grows at all. Not every attempt will work, but each one will take your further from the hurt in the past, and you’ll realise other people can still find you desirable.
The constant throughout everything, will be your relationship with your kids. As they grow, inevitably they’ll grow away from you a little, making their own friendships, and in time moving away to start their own adult lives. Remember, though, that would happen whether you were with your ex or not. And by the time it does, you’ll be settled in your new life. It’s a cliché, but ultimately, the only person who can move you on and make you happy is yourself – but your kids run a very close second.
It’s not something that will happen overnight, or even in a matter of a few months. Like most things involving emotions, it’s a gradual process, but it’s one you can work through and emerge on the other side.
Setting Goals
One thing to help you is setting goals for where you want to be in a year, two years, and five years. Make them achievable – there’s no point aiming for the impossible, especially when you know it’s impossible. Working towards those goals can set you on a path where you can move ahead and leave the past behind. These can be emotional goals, work goals, educational goals, anything you like.
Set up markers for yourself so you can see how you progress. Even if things go slowly, you’re still going forward, and it’s still measurable.
Your Kids
At first you’ll find yourself missing your kids a lot, and wondering how your relationship with them will continue, whether it will suffer from your lack of presence. If you keep in close contact with them, though, and make the most of every opportunity for contact, things will turn out much better than you initially imagine.
However, that nervous feeling is likely to persist for a while, and you might find yourself walking on eggshells around your children, wanting them to be happy with you. But eventually you’ll relax, and simply be yourself with them. If you had a strong bond with your kids before, you’ll find that it won’t go away just because you’re not there every day. Remember, they’re probably as full of fears as you, wondering if you’ll still love them.
Over time you’ll relax around each other, and enjoy things just the way you used to before. In fact, since your time together will really be spent together, rather than in the same house doing other things, you might well become even closer.
Relationships
A good relationship is an excellent way to move on, but that’s not a reason to rush into one. Take your time and let things develop naturally. Two things you should have learnt from your split is that there are no guarantees in life, and that relationships take work. Rushing things, or trying to move too fast, can rupture something that might have been good. However much you might want to feel part of a couple again, let it grow naturally, if it grows at all. Not every attempt will work, but each one will take your further from the hurt in the past, and you’ll realise other people can still find you desirable.
The constant throughout everything, will be your relationship with your kids. As they grow, inevitably they’ll grow away from you a little, making their own friendships, and in time moving away to start their own adult lives. Remember, though, that would happen whether you were with your ex or not. And by the time it does, you’ll be settled in your new life. It’s a cliché, but ultimately, the only person who can move you on and make you happy is yourself – but your kids run a very close second.
Dealing With Being Alone
One of the hardest aspects of no longer living with your family is finding yourself suddenly alone. Even if you have a good support network of family and friends around you’ll still spend plenty of time on your own, and it can seem like a huge dislocation after years with your partner and your children. How do you deal with it?
Learn To Be Happy With Yourself
Learning to love yourself and to be comfortable alone might sound like something from a self-help book, but it really is important. It takes time to emerge from a relationship – up to two years, according to some – before you’re free of the baggage and really able to move ahead.
You can use time by yourself very positively, to consider why this last relationship and others before it ended. See if there’s a pattern that’s been repeated. If there is, identifying it is the first step to breaking it.
It’s also a good time to take stock of your life. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? Are you happy in your job, or is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but never had the chance? This is the perfect time to make that change, whether it’s for a new job or to improve your education to move into another field. A new focus will bring new goals and surroundings and fill your time. It will also bring you a new circle of friends and colleagues, which can be useful when you’re making a fresh start.
Take up a new hobby. Is there something you’ve always wanted to try? If so, begin doing it. Even if it doesn’t live up to your expectations, that’s fine; you’ve given it a try, and it might introduce you to something else.
Using Your Network
You will have family and a network of friends that has built up over the years. Make time to see them and spend time with them. Often when in family situations, others become relegated to the background. Being alone is the perfect opportunity to become close to those others again.
Of course, there can be problems with some friends. A number of them will have known you and your ex, and might be on her side, or might not want to be thought to be taking sides. Others, though, will be supportive. Socialise with them, enjoy evenings out.
Family can be a great boon during this time. Visit them – brothers, sisters, parents – and enjoy your time together, especially during the holidays, which can be the most depressing times of the year if you’re on your own.
If You Have No Network
For a number of reasons, it might be that you have no family or friends locally that you can turn to. That definitely makes life harder, since you’re completely cast back on your own resources. You need to make sure you don’t become a recluse. Look around. You’ll see a number of activities advertised locally. Take the plunge and join in with one or two; it’s a good way to develop a circle of acquaintances.
Unless you’re a naturally social person, it can be hard to force yourself to go out and meet new people. However, it’s worth making the effort.
The worst thing you can do is dash out and try to find a new partner. Emotionally, you’re not in a good state to begin a new relationship – all the clichés of on the rebound really apply. It’s better to wait. That doesn’t mean no girlfriends, of course, but keep things light. In fact, a new girlfriend can be good; it reminds you that people can find you attractive and desirable. Just don’t make more of it than it really is, for your own sake.
Learn To Be Happy With Yourself
Learning to love yourself and to be comfortable alone might sound like something from a self-help book, but it really is important. It takes time to emerge from a relationship – up to two years, according to some – before you’re free of the baggage and really able to move ahead.
You can use time by yourself very positively, to consider why this last relationship and others before it ended. See if there’s a pattern that’s been repeated. If there is, identifying it is the first step to breaking it.
It’s also a good time to take stock of your life. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? Are you happy in your job, or is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but never had the chance? This is the perfect time to make that change, whether it’s for a new job or to improve your education to move into another field. A new focus will bring new goals and surroundings and fill your time. It will also bring you a new circle of friends and colleagues, which can be useful when you’re making a fresh start.
Take up a new hobby. Is there something you’ve always wanted to try? If so, begin doing it. Even if it doesn’t live up to your expectations, that’s fine; you’ve given it a try, and it might introduce you to something else.
Using Your Network
You will have family and a network of friends that has built up over the years. Make time to see them and spend time with them. Often when in family situations, others become relegated to the background. Being alone is the perfect opportunity to become close to those others again.
Of course, there can be problems with some friends. A number of them will have known you and your ex, and might be on her side, or might not want to be thought to be taking sides. Others, though, will be supportive. Socialise with them, enjoy evenings out.
Family can be a great boon during this time. Visit them – brothers, sisters, parents – and enjoy your time together, especially during the holidays, which can be the most depressing times of the year if you’re on your own.
If You Have No Network
For a number of reasons, it might be that you have no family or friends locally that you can turn to. That definitely makes life harder, since you’re completely cast back on your own resources. You need to make sure you don’t become a recluse. Look around. You’ll see a number of activities advertised locally. Take the plunge and join in with one or two; it’s a good way to develop a circle of acquaintances.
Unless you’re a naturally social person, it can be hard to force yourself to go out and meet new people. However, it’s worth making the effort.
The worst thing you can do is dash out and try to find a new partner. Emotionally, you’re not in a good state to begin a new relationship – all the clichés of on the rebound really apply. It’s better to wait. That doesn’t mean no girlfriends, of course, but keep things light. In fact, a new girlfriend can be good; it reminds you that people can find you attractive and desirable. Just don’t make more of it than it really is, for your own sake.
Dating As A Separated Dad
One thing most men find when they’re single again is that it’s a big, scary dating world out there. Without them realising it, the rules seem to have changed, and for many it’s difficult to approach females.
That’s not too surprising. After a period of being settled with someone you’re cast on your own devices again. Even if you didn’t like what you had, you knew what it was and what to expect. Now you’re finding your way in the world again, and trying to maintain your kids as the centre of things – which, of course, is where they should be.
Before You Start Dating as a Single Dad
As a single dad, most things in your free time will revolve around your kids, when you can see them and talk to them. That’s perfectly natural. Any arrangements with friends will take second place.
But you’ll fond something else going on inside yourself. You’ll have changed from the single man who got together with your ex, tempered by responsibility. On top of that you’re now alone and trying to adjust to being single again, which isn’t easy for most people, as time in the evenings and on weekends when you don’t have your kids can feel like it stretches out endlessly.
Many suggest taking time to yourself before you plunge back into dating. The company and the intimacy can be good, but you also need to sort yourself out. Be willing to reflect on yourself, what you want from life, from another relationship, and for your kids.
In the long run this time out can serve you well. It’s certainly healthier than careening from relationship to relationship and having none of them work out. The more you understand yourself and develop a clear picture of who you are, the better. As has been said, to love others you need to love yourself first.
Starting To Date as a Single Dad
Whether good or bad, being with your ex was a full relationship, and you were together most of the time when you weren’t working. That’s not something you’ll get again easily, and you shouldn’t want to. When you start dating again as a single man, you should do it gradually, from dipping a toe in the water and only slowly working up to full submersion.
One of the first problems is finding someone to date. It might be someone who’s been a friend, or you could join a dating site – they are many for almost every taste and age group.
Once you have found someone to date, keep it low key. Meet somewhere public for a coffee to see how you get along when it’s just the two of you. Don’t be discouraged if there’s no spark – and even if there is, don’t expect too much. Simply enjoy a little time in someone else’s company.
You don’t need to ask for another date immediately. Think first – is this someone you want to see again? If so, call and ask her out. But let things develop naturally, don’t try and push it into a relationship. Don’t be disappointed if things don’t work out – the old saw about kissing a lot of frogs to find a prince also applies to princesses.
Remember to keep your kids firmly in the centre of things. Arrange dates around your time with them. Don’t, under any circumstances, introduce your kids to a new girlfriend until the relationship is already well-established (although you should tell anyone you date about your circumstances).
The last thing your children need is to meet a succession of women. Wait until something is good, then allow a relationship to develop between your girlfriend and your children.
Starting over romantically isn’t easy. Sometimes it can feel as if, for each step forward you march two back. Just take things slowly and steadily, learn to be happy on your own, and things will work out in time.
That’s not too surprising. After a period of being settled with someone you’re cast on your own devices again. Even if you didn’t like what you had, you knew what it was and what to expect. Now you’re finding your way in the world again, and trying to maintain your kids as the centre of things – which, of course, is where they should be.
Before You Start Dating as a Single Dad
As a single dad, most things in your free time will revolve around your kids, when you can see them and talk to them. That’s perfectly natural. Any arrangements with friends will take second place.
But you’ll fond something else going on inside yourself. You’ll have changed from the single man who got together with your ex, tempered by responsibility. On top of that you’re now alone and trying to adjust to being single again, which isn’t easy for most people, as time in the evenings and on weekends when you don’t have your kids can feel like it stretches out endlessly.
Many suggest taking time to yourself before you plunge back into dating. The company and the intimacy can be good, but you also need to sort yourself out. Be willing to reflect on yourself, what you want from life, from another relationship, and for your kids.
In the long run this time out can serve you well. It’s certainly healthier than careening from relationship to relationship and having none of them work out. The more you understand yourself and develop a clear picture of who you are, the better. As has been said, to love others you need to love yourself first.
Starting To Date as a Single Dad
Whether good or bad, being with your ex was a full relationship, and you were together most of the time when you weren’t working. That’s not something you’ll get again easily, and you shouldn’t want to. When you start dating again as a single man, you should do it gradually, from dipping a toe in the water and only slowly working up to full submersion.
One of the first problems is finding someone to date. It might be someone who’s been a friend, or you could join a dating site – they are many for almost every taste and age group.
Once you have found someone to date, keep it low key. Meet somewhere public for a coffee to see how you get along when it’s just the two of you. Don’t be discouraged if there’s no spark – and even if there is, don’t expect too much. Simply enjoy a little time in someone else’s company.
You don’t need to ask for another date immediately. Think first – is this someone you want to see again? If so, call and ask her out. But let things develop naturally, don’t try and push it into a relationship. Don’t be disappointed if things don’t work out – the old saw about kissing a lot of frogs to find a prince also applies to princesses.
Remember to keep your kids firmly in the centre of things. Arrange dates around your time with them. Don’t, under any circumstances, introduce your kids to a new girlfriend until the relationship is already well-established (although you should tell anyone you date about your circumstances).
The last thing your children need is to meet a succession of women. Wait until something is good, then allow a relationship to develop between your girlfriend and your children.
Starting over romantically isn’t easy. Sometimes it can feel as if, for each step forward you march two back. Just take things slowly and steadily, learn to be happy on your own, and things will work out in time.
Talking to Your Child About You Having More Children
You can be the best parent in the world and keep a close bond with your kids after separation. They might even love your new partner, and thoroughly enjoy spending time with you and her. But if the time comes that you and your new partner are expecting a baby of your own, they can see that bond as threatened.
That’s perfectly understandable on their part. They worry that another child, especially a baby, will mean that you’ll love them less and have less time for them. What you have to do, and keep on doing, is prove to them that’s not true.
Telling Them about the Pregnancy
Don’t put off telling your children that your partner is pregnant. The earlier you tell them, the better, since it gives them more time to become used to the idea. However, you should probably wait until the first trimester, with its danger of miscarriage, is complete – having to explain pregnancy then miscarriage can be one step too many for some.
Sit your kids down and explain the situation matter-of-factly. Reinforce the idea that you love them and they’re always going to be very important in your life. If possible, both you and your new partner should sit down with the kids. It might involve a brief explanation of the facts of life, depending on the ages of your children.
Tell them you want them involved with the baby (if you have girls, they’ll probably welcome this), that it will be a brother or sister to them – this keeps them as part of your family.
As The Pregnancy Develops
There’s no reason for you to change what you do when you have your children with you. Continue your activities, but keep involving them in the pregnancy – touching the bump when the baby’s kicking, for instance. Your partner might no longer be able to take part in all your activities with your kids, but that’s fine. Enjoy the time you have alone with your children, keep them secure in your affections and as part of the family. Treat the pregnancy as just another part of life; don’t dwell on it too much with them, so it will seem a perfectly normal event.
After The Baby’s Born
Once the baby’s home, bring your kids over to see it. Make sure, though, that they know how fragile the little one is. This can be the hardest time, for you, juggling the demands of a baby with the need to see and enjoy your other children. But it’s also the most crucial time. Taking time away from your kids for the baby can make them believe the baby is more important than they are. So no matter how tired you are, be certain to give them their full share of your time. Keep them involved with the baby; give them small tasks to help, so they feel an attachment, rather than a resentment of this new addition. At the same time, make sure you do things with your kids on their own. Most vitally, never treat the baby as more important than your kids. Equality is the key.
It might take several months until your kids fully accept the baby and stop seeing it as a threat. If you’ve given your kids as much attention as you did before, and continue to do so, you’ll successfully build a strong extended family.
That’s perfectly understandable on their part. They worry that another child, especially a baby, will mean that you’ll love them less and have less time for them. What you have to do, and keep on doing, is prove to them that’s not true.
Telling Them about the Pregnancy
Don’t put off telling your children that your partner is pregnant. The earlier you tell them, the better, since it gives them more time to become used to the idea. However, you should probably wait until the first trimester, with its danger of miscarriage, is complete – having to explain pregnancy then miscarriage can be one step too many for some.
Sit your kids down and explain the situation matter-of-factly. Reinforce the idea that you love them and they’re always going to be very important in your life. If possible, both you and your new partner should sit down with the kids. It might involve a brief explanation of the facts of life, depending on the ages of your children.
Tell them you want them involved with the baby (if you have girls, they’ll probably welcome this), that it will be a brother or sister to them – this keeps them as part of your family.
As The Pregnancy Develops
There’s no reason for you to change what you do when you have your children with you. Continue your activities, but keep involving them in the pregnancy – touching the bump when the baby’s kicking, for instance. Your partner might no longer be able to take part in all your activities with your kids, but that’s fine. Enjoy the time you have alone with your children, keep them secure in your affections and as part of the family. Treat the pregnancy as just another part of life; don’t dwell on it too much with them, so it will seem a perfectly normal event.
After The Baby’s Born
Once the baby’s home, bring your kids over to see it. Make sure, though, that they know how fragile the little one is. This can be the hardest time, for you, juggling the demands of a baby with the need to see and enjoy your other children. But it’s also the most crucial time. Taking time away from your kids for the baby can make them believe the baby is more important than they are. So no matter how tired you are, be certain to give them their full share of your time. Keep them involved with the baby; give them small tasks to help, so they feel an attachment, rather than a resentment of this new addition. At the same time, make sure you do things with your kids on their own. Most vitally, never treat the baby as more important than your kids. Equality is the key.
It might take several months until your kids fully accept the baby and stop seeing it as a threat. If you’ve given your kids as much attention as you did before, and continue to do so, you’ll successfully build a strong extended family.
Communication With Your Children
One thing you’ll find not being around your children all the time, is that communication with them can become more difficult and more stilted. That can become worrying, since you want to stay close to your kids, to know what’s going on in their daily lives, and what they’re thinking and feeling. The ability to keep in touch can be a big factor.
But there are ways to make sure that growing apart doesn’t happen, at least if your children are old enough. Your physical contact might be limited, so you only spend a relatively small amount of time with them, but don’t let that discourage you. There are other methods.
Online
For most kids over the age of eight, computers are a completely normal part of life nowadays. They’re also an excellent way for you to communicate with your children. Many kids have e-mail addresses through school, and there are plenty of web-based free mail services.
If your kids have a computer at home, when they’re visiting you, set up an e-mail account for them, and also an Instant Messaging account with a relatively safe service like MSN (both are free, but you should check with your former partner first). Show them how to use it. This makes for a great way to keep in touch. You can set aside time on the weekends you don’t see your children to spend time together online, either chatting or playing online games together. You should, of course, teach them about online safety. There’s one great plus to communicating this way – it enhances their computer skills.
Phone
The phone is an excellent way of staying in touch. You can call your kids in the evening, or buy them mobiles and talk to them on their way home from school. It’s a chance for chatting on a regular basis – every evening, if possible. The calls don’t have to be long, just an opportunity for you to catch up on what’s happened during their day.
What to Talk About With Your Children
Children can be notoriously uncommunicative. Ask about school and you’ll hear “it was okay,” or something similar. Draw them out where you can, ask a few questions, enough so you can gauge what’s happening. But don’t just talk; listen, too. Let them lead the conversation, talking about things that are important to them. Develop an interest in their interests so you can talk more knowledgably about them (and you’ll discover that in many cases, interests can change from month to month, so you’ll be playing catch-up).
Above all, simply talking is the most important thing – often it doesn’t matter what you talk about. The more often you can do it, the stronger the bond between you and your children. Many men only talk to their children when they have contact, and it takes a determined, ongoing effort to keep regular contact, but the results are more than worth it.
Obviously, the situation is far easier when your ex doesn’t put obstacles in your way. But if you have parental responsibility, you should be able to have regular access via phone calls or online with your kids.
It’s important to keep as many channels of communication as possible open with your kids. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues they’ll face in life – sex and drugs, for example. These might be addressed at school, but it never hurts to reinforce them. Also, if you talk to your ex and hear about issues that the children have, discuss those with them, too. It’s not simply part of being a parent; it’s also caring and wanting the best for your children.
But there are ways to make sure that growing apart doesn’t happen, at least if your children are old enough. Your physical contact might be limited, so you only spend a relatively small amount of time with them, but don’t let that discourage you. There are other methods.
Online
For most kids over the age of eight, computers are a completely normal part of life nowadays. They’re also an excellent way for you to communicate with your children. Many kids have e-mail addresses through school, and there are plenty of web-based free mail services.
If your kids have a computer at home, when they’re visiting you, set up an e-mail account for them, and also an Instant Messaging account with a relatively safe service like MSN (both are free, but you should check with your former partner first). Show them how to use it. This makes for a great way to keep in touch. You can set aside time on the weekends you don’t see your children to spend time together online, either chatting or playing online games together. You should, of course, teach them about online safety. There’s one great plus to communicating this way – it enhances their computer skills.
Phone
The phone is an excellent way of staying in touch. You can call your kids in the evening, or buy them mobiles and talk to them on their way home from school. It’s a chance for chatting on a regular basis – every evening, if possible. The calls don’t have to be long, just an opportunity for you to catch up on what’s happened during their day.
What to Talk About With Your Children
Children can be notoriously uncommunicative. Ask about school and you’ll hear “it was okay,” or something similar. Draw them out where you can, ask a few questions, enough so you can gauge what’s happening. But don’t just talk; listen, too. Let them lead the conversation, talking about things that are important to them. Develop an interest in their interests so you can talk more knowledgably about them (and you’ll discover that in many cases, interests can change from month to month, so you’ll be playing catch-up).
Above all, simply talking is the most important thing – often it doesn’t matter what you talk about. The more often you can do it, the stronger the bond between you and your children. Many men only talk to their children when they have contact, and it takes a determined, ongoing effort to keep regular contact, but the results are more than worth it.
Obviously, the situation is far easier when your ex doesn’t put obstacles in your way. But if you have parental responsibility, you should be able to have regular access via phone calls or online with your kids.
It’s important to keep as many channels of communication as possible open with your kids. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues they’ll face in life – sex and drugs, for example. These might be addressed at school, but it never hurts to reinforce them. Also, if you talk to your ex and hear about issues that the children have, discuss those with them, too. It’s not simply part of being a parent; it’s also caring and wanting the best for your children.
Relationships With Your Ex Partner
It can be very difficult maintaining good relations with your ex in the wake of a split. Feelings run high on both sides and often things are said that should have remained unspoken.
However, during that time, if at all possible, you should keep the harsher words for when your children aren’t around. They’ll probably pick up on the atmosphere anyway, but avoid being blatant.
At The Split
The time just before and after the split is usually the lowest point for relations between you and your former partner. That’s not always the case – some people manage to remain friends even during this time – but in general, the best thing to do is not speak about personal issues with your ex.
You’ll need to communicate about the children, making arrangements for contact and so on. That can be polite enough, but avoid asking questions about how her life is going, whether she’s seeing anyone, or any kind of personal issues. If the split has been especially acrimonious, as some are, then make all contact with your ex as brief and straightforward as possible. Keep talk strictly about the children and contact, and deflect anything else she might bring up. In some instances no direct contact with your ex can be the best move.
Don’t relay messages to your ex through your children, and don’t say negative things about her to them.
After A Few Months
When a little time has passed and life has begun to take on a new normality, you might find that you and your ex talk a little more, and relations thaw between you. This is the best scenario. You can even become friends, after a fashion, and realise that although the relationship didn’t work, you still have something in common. This serves the children well, because they see you no longer arguing.
However, both you and your ex should make it clear to the children that this doesn’t mean you’re likely to get together again. They might well believe that an improved situation could bring them. But tell them gently, and let them down easily if they have ideas in that direction.
Don’t try and move along a relationship with your ex. Even if you feel friendlier towards her, don’t push things. Above all, don’t go back and review the relationship. That’s simply asking for trouble. Nor should you ask questions about her private life. If she wants to volunteer information, that’s fine, otherwise leave it alone. Similarly, don’t talk too much about yours, especially if you’re in a good new relationship – it can seem like gloating and just builds resentment.
Later
The big change can often come after a couple of years, when you’ve both had the chance to rebuild your lives. By then things are on an even keel, the children are used to the new arrangements, and everyone has moved on somewhat, and you might find that you and your ex have become good friends. After all, you have the children as a common bond, and as they grow you have new issues to face, which you’ll need to discuss.
There is always the possibility that relations with your former partner will never improve. That might be on one side, or it might be mutual. However, you both need to remember that your children are in the middle, and you both want the best for them, so you should maintain a civility between you for their sake.
Remarriage or new long-term partners can also affect relations with your ex. Depending on so many factors, it can stir up old ghosts, or you can be happy for each other. You should try to be glad for her when she’s in a new relationship. If it ends, don’t say anything, but if she chooses to talk, be supportive.
However, during that time, if at all possible, you should keep the harsher words for when your children aren’t around. They’ll probably pick up on the atmosphere anyway, but avoid being blatant.
At The Split
The time just before and after the split is usually the lowest point for relations between you and your former partner. That’s not always the case – some people manage to remain friends even during this time – but in general, the best thing to do is not speak about personal issues with your ex.
You’ll need to communicate about the children, making arrangements for contact and so on. That can be polite enough, but avoid asking questions about how her life is going, whether she’s seeing anyone, or any kind of personal issues. If the split has been especially acrimonious, as some are, then make all contact with your ex as brief and straightforward as possible. Keep talk strictly about the children and contact, and deflect anything else she might bring up. In some instances no direct contact with your ex can be the best move.
Don’t relay messages to your ex through your children, and don’t say negative things about her to them.
After A Few Months
When a little time has passed and life has begun to take on a new normality, you might find that you and your ex talk a little more, and relations thaw between you. This is the best scenario. You can even become friends, after a fashion, and realise that although the relationship didn’t work, you still have something in common. This serves the children well, because they see you no longer arguing.
However, both you and your ex should make it clear to the children that this doesn’t mean you’re likely to get together again. They might well believe that an improved situation could bring them. But tell them gently, and let them down easily if they have ideas in that direction.
Don’t try and move along a relationship with your ex. Even if you feel friendlier towards her, don’t push things. Above all, don’t go back and review the relationship. That’s simply asking for trouble. Nor should you ask questions about her private life. If she wants to volunteer information, that’s fine, otherwise leave it alone. Similarly, don’t talk too much about yours, especially if you’re in a good new relationship – it can seem like gloating and just builds resentment.
Later
The big change can often come after a couple of years, when you’ve both had the chance to rebuild your lives. By then things are on an even keel, the children are used to the new arrangements, and everyone has moved on somewhat, and you might find that you and your ex have become good friends. After all, you have the children as a common bond, and as they grow you have new issues to face, which you’ll need to discuss.
There is always the possibility that relations with your former partner will never improve. That might be on one side, or it might be mutual. However, you both need to remember that your children are in the middle, and you both want the best for them, so you should maintain a civility between you for their sake.
Remarriage or new long-term partners can also affect relations with your ex. Depending on so many factors, it can stir up old ghosts, or you can be happy for each other. You should try to be glad for her when she’s in a new relationship. If it ends, don’t say anything, but if she chooses to talk, be supportive.
Introducing a New Partner to Your Children
One of the most stressful things you can do as a separated father is to introduce your children to your new partner. You want everyone to like and accept everyone else – and you’re really not sure what you’ll do if that doesn’t happen. There are no guarantees of course, but there are a number of things you can do to try and ensure everything goes smoothly. That’s especially important for your children, who won’t understand a lot of the dynamics, and who after all, are the most important things to you.
What Type Of Partner Should You Introduce?
The chances are you’ll date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Don’t introduce your kids to every passing girlfriend. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you’re developing a serious relationship, it’ll take them longer to trust her.
It’s best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you’re comfortable with each other. Talk to her about your children beforehand, by all means, but try to avoid discussing your former partner.
One thing you have to do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children, all the time you can. It’s easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, but don’t do it at the expense of your kids.
The First Meeting
The first meeting between your children and new partner should be a casual, social occasion – say a trip to the park or the cinema. It certainly shouldn’t be anything that involves stress; don’t go to an amusement park, for example, where you might spend a long time queuing for rides with the children becoming restless. You want everyone relaxed. Introduce your partner as a friend, make light of it. Don’t kiss her and hold her, keep everything light, and include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children on her own. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would.
Moving On
You don’t need to have your partner with you every time you have your children; in fact, it’s a bad idea. They need time alone with you. But do have her join you regularly. For a while keep it as light as possible, still introducing her as a friend. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship – obviously in terms they’ll understand, depending on age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they’ll have developed their own relationship with your new partner and accept her readily.
If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you’re renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about decorating rooms that will be theirs – it gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship.
If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your ex. She’ll hear about it anyway from the children, but it would probably be best if you told her first, if only as a courtesy to prepare her.
Problems
Obviously, you can’t force your children to get along with your new partner. What happens if they don’t? Then you’re left between a rock and a hard place, and there’s no easy resolution. It’s quite possible you’ll have to make a choice between partner and children (and the same applies if your partner doesn’t like your children). Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end, and taking you on means taking them on, too – you’re a package deal. At that point you’re left with a painful decision to make, and whichever way you go, someone is going to be hurt. The best thing to do is everything in your power to make sure things go well. Don’t rush anything – there’s plenty of time.
If You Leave For Someone Else
The situation is a little different if you’ve left to be with another woman. Your ex will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that doesn’t mean you need to introduce her immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you’re with them, and introduce her gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing her immediately as the new stepmother; between fairytales and stories, step parents have bad reputations. Give them a chance to become used to her – and vice versa.
What Type Of Partner Should You Introduce?
The chances are you’ll date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Don’t introduce your kids to every passing girlfriend. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you’re developing a serious relationship, it’ll take them longer to trust her.
It’s best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you’re comfortable with each other. Talk to her about your children beforehand, by all means, but try to avoid discussing your former partner.
One thing you have to do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children, all the time you can. It’s easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, but don’t do it at the expense of your kids.
The First Meeting
The first meeting between your children and new partner should be a casual, social occasion – say a trip to the park or the cinema. It certainly shouldn’t be anything that involves stress; don’t go to an amusement park, for example, where you might spend a long time queuing for rides with the children becoming restless. You want everyone relaxed. Introduce your partner as a friend, make light of it. Don’t kiss her and hold her, keep everything light, and include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children on her own. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would.
Moving On
You don’t need to have your partner with you every time you have your children; in fact, it’s a bad idea. They need time alone with you. But do have her join you regularly. For a while keep it as light as possible, still introducing her as a friend. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship – obviously in terms they’ll understand, depending on age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they’ll have developed their own relationship with your new partner and accept her readily.
If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you’re renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about decorating rooms that will be theirs – it gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship.
If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your ex. She’ll hear about it anyway from the children, but it would probably be best if you told her first, if only as a courtesy to prepare her.
Problems
Obviously, you can’t force your children to get along with your new partner. What happens if they don’t? Then you’re left between a rock and a hard place, and there’s no easy resolution. It’s quite possible you’ll have to make a choice between partner and children (and the same applies if your partner doesn’t like your children). Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end, and taking you on means taking them on, too – you’re a package deal. At that point you’re left with a painful decision to make, and whichever way you go, someone is going to be hurt. The best thing to do is everything in your power to make sure things go well. Don’t rush anything – there’s plenty of time.
If You Leave For Someone Else
The situation is a little different if you’ve left to be with another woman. Your ex will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that doesn’t mean you need to introduce her immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you’re with them, and introduce her gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing her immediately as the new stepmother; between fairytales and stories, step parents have bad reputations. Give them a chance to become used to her – and vice versa.
Staying Involved in a Child's School Activities
As a separated or divorced parent, it’s not always easy to keep up on what’s happening with your children at school. At the best of times kids don’t communicate much about school with their parents, no matter how good you are at parenting. Asking how school was often elicits something like “Good” as a response, which isn’t especially helpful and getting more information can be like pulling teeth.
As a single dad it’s even harder, since you want to make the most of the time with your kids rather than pestering them for information about school – although, of course, you want to know if there’s a problem there, so you can do something about it.
But even as a single dad you can be more involved if you choose to be, and as a good father, you will certainly want to be. In many ways it becomes a parenting issue, as school is the main component of childhood these days.
The Responsibilities of Schools
If you have Parental Responsibility for your children as defined under the Children Act 1989, then you have a right to take part in all the decisions regarding the education of your children. That’s not just good parenting, it’s the law.
You have the right as a parent to receive information from the school, including attendance and performance reports on your children, to give permission as the father for trips and other activities, to participate in school activities and to be told about any meetings at school that involve your children.
If your ex hasn’t given information about you to the school, you can contact them directly, after which they have to provide you with information. In the case of school trips, then, permission has to come from both parents, and if only one gives permission, to stop possible conflicts, the child won’t be allowed to go. The school is also obliged to inform both parents where the child is ill or has medical issues.
How To Be More Involved As a Single Dad
If you’re on good terms with your ex, you could attend school meetings or parent’s evenings in her place, to talk to the teachers and get a good assessment of how your children are doing. You could also attend things like sports day or pick up the kids from school sometimes (although you might feel out of place as a father among all the mothers) – a perfect chance to talk to them about what’s been happening while it’s still fresh in their minds.
However, if you and your ex are not on good terms, it becomes a little more difficult. Talking to your kids about school is good when you’re a single dad, but even if they expand their answers, you’re only going to get one side of the story.
Talk to the school and see if you can arrange meetings with the teachers to discuss the progress of your kids. It shows that you’re involved as a parent – as you undoubtedly are – and good parenting, by wanting to know. But although fathers have traditionally been less involved in the education of children, leaving it to the wives, as a father alone you have to be more pro-active.
For single dads, it’s perfectly possible to remain very active and involved in your child’s education. You just have to make the effort to do it.
As a single dad it’s even harder, since you want to make the most of the time with your kids rather than pestering them for information about school – although, of course, you want to know if there’s a problem there, so you can do something about it.
But even as a single dad you can be more involved if you choose to be, and as a good father, you will certainly want to be. In many ways it becomes a parenting issue, as school is the main component of childhood these days.
The Responsibilities of Schools
If you have Parental Responsibility for your children as defined under the Children Act 1989, then you have a right to take part in all the decisions regarding the education of your children. That’s not just good parenting, it’s the law.
You have the right as a parent to receive information from the school, including attendance and performance reports on your children, to give permission as the father for trips and other activities, to participate in school activities and to be told about any meetings at school that involve your children.
If your ex hasn’t given information about you to the school, you can contact them directly, after which they have to provide you with information. In the case of school trips, then, permission has to come from both parents, and if only one gives permission, to stop possible conflicts, the child won’t be allowed to go. The school is also obliged to inform both parents where the child is ill or has medical issues.
How To Be More Involved As a Single Dad
If you’re on good terms with your ex, you could attend school meetings or parent’s evenings in her place, to talk to the teachers and get a good assessment of how your children are doing. You could also attend things like sports day or pick up the kids from school sometimes (although you might feel out of place as a father among all the mothers) – a perfect chance to talk to them about what’s been happening while it’s still fresh in their minds.
However, if you and your ex are not on good terms, it becomes a little more difficult. Talking to your kids about school is good when you’re a single dad, but even if they expand their answers, you’re only going to get one side of the story.
Talk to the school and see if you can arrange meetings with the teachers to discuss the progress of your kids. It shows that you’re involved as a parent – as you undoubtedly are – and good parenting, by wanting to know. But although fathers have traditionally been less involved in the education of children, leaving it to the wives, as a father alone you have to be more pro-active.
For single dads, it’s perfectly possible to remain very active and involved in your child’s education. You just have to make the effort to do it.
Things To Do With Your Kids
There's a bleak old image of a divorced father treating his kids to a film on a grey afternoon before shepherding them to a burger bar for a treat before taking them back to their mother and heading home alone in the rain to a poky flat.
But, as they say, that was then, and this is now. Life has moved on, the courts offer separated fathers better contact with their children in almost every case, and there are plenty more options for fathers.
Home Life
Much of the time you simply want to spend time with your children in a relaxed atmosphere, and nothing beats home for that. It might not be the home they knew, but take them to your place, whether it's a flat or a house. Give them a chance to feel comfortable there, to become used to your surroundings.
If you can, have things there they'll enjoy, like a game console, maybe even one they don't already own. Encourage them to treat the place like their own. It's much easier to talk in surroundings like these. If the place is big enough and you can have them overnight, let them stay, with a room to call their own, and remind them that they now have two homes, not just one, that they're always welcome - and mean it. Let them decorate the room and truly make it feel like theirs.
You can make evenings seem special and fun with a pizza and DVD night, as long as you allow them to choose the movie. Even if it's one you don't really want to watch, sit through it anyway, share the time fully with them.
Outings
Remember, the time together isn't just for you, it's for your kids, too. You want them to have fun, not feel it's a duty. So don't spend all your time at home. Do things, but make them special if you can (although going to a movie can also be a good time).
In the summer, pack a picnic and head out into the country. Take a hike, get some exercise, enjoy the views. You'll all feel better for the exercise and fresh air, and they may even develop a taste for walking and nature. There are almost certainly places to go within easy reach of where you live, or go farther afield, perhaps somewhere the kids have never gone before.
If there's an event they really want to attend, buy tickets and go with them (or, if they're older, drop them off and pick them up). It can be a show or a concert, or almost anything. You could even try something different, such as a trip to a museum or a theatre.
Holidays
Depending on relationships, you might be able to negotiate with your ex to have the children for a week or two during school holidays. Take them away with you. It doesn't have to be four-star fancy, just somewhere fun and different, whether within the UK or abroad (however, if you're taking them overseas, check to see what you'll need. Apart from passports for everyone, it might also involve a letter of permission from your ex).
A holiday together can be a magical time. You might not feel relaxed at the end of it if you've had to take charge of them for an extended period, but you'll still feel good from the time spent together.
But, as they say, that was then, and this is now. Life has moved on, the courts offer separated fathers better contact with their children in almost every case, and there are plenty more options for fathers.
Home Life
Much of the time you simply want to spend time with your children in a relaxed atmosphere, and nothing beats home for that. It might not be the home they knew, but take them to your place, whether it's a flat or a house. Give them a chance to feel comfortable there, to become used to your surroundings.
If you can, have things there they'll enjoy, like a game console, maybe even one they don't already own. Encourage them to treat the place like their own. It's much easier to talk in surroundings like these. If the place is big enough and you can have them overnight, let them stay, with a room to call their own, and remind them that they now have two homes, not just one, that they're always welcome - and mean it. Let them decorate the room and truly make it feel like theirs.
You can make evenings seem special and fun with a pizza and DVD night, as long as you allow them to choose the movie. Even if it's one you don't really want to watch, sit through it anyway, share the time fully with them.
Outings
Remember, the time together isn't just for you, it's for your kids, too. You want them to have fun, not feel it's a duty. So don't spend all your time at home. Do things, but make them special if you can (although going to a movie can also be a good time).
In the summer, pack a picnic and head out into the country. Take a hike, get some exercise, enjoy the views. You'll all feel better for the exercise and fresh air, and they may even develop a taste for walking and nature. There are almost certainly places to go within easy reach of where you live, or go farther afield, perhaps somewhere the kids have never gone before.
If there's an event they really want to attend, buy tickets and go with them (or, if they're older, drop them off and pick them up). It can be a show or a concert, or almost anything. You could even try something different, such as a trip to a museum or a theatre.
Holidays
Depending on relationships, you might be able to negotiate with your ex to have the children for a week or two during school holidays. Take them away with you. It doesn't have to be four-star fancy, just somewhere fun and different, whether within the UK or abroad (however, if you're taking them overseas, check to see what you'll need. Apart from passports for everyone, it might also involve a letter of permission from your ex).
A holiday together can be a magical time. You might not feel relaxed at the end of it if you've had to take charge of them for an extended period, but you'll still feel good from the time spent together.
When Your Ex Gets a New Partner
It can be hard enough to maintain a good relationship with your children if there's just a limited amount of time you can spend with them. It never feels like enough, and you worry that there might be a distance growing between you.
That feeling can worsen if your ex gets a serious, long-term partner. The natural feeling is that the new man in her life might end up closer to your children than you are.
The Feelings
How do you cope with the emotions and fear - because that's exactly what it is - that your children might end up calling another man dad? When your first learn that your former partner has someone serious it's at its worst, because you really don't know what the future might hold.
A lot depends on the bond you have with your children. If it's strong and secure you really have no need to worry. In their minds you will always be your father, even if someone else sees a lot more of them than you. Of course, it can be hard to remember and hold on to that, and the only thing that can make you feel better is time.
The problem can be if your relationship with your children is tenuous. The trick is not to feel it's a competition between you and your ex's new man. Remember, he needs to get to know the children and form his own relationship with them, which will take time. Ultimately, however much he's around, there's no way he can replace you. Simply be yourself with the kids and try to improve your own relationship with them.
What You Can Do
It's never an easy situation, and even if you're very secure with your children, you're bound to wonder from time to time, especially if the kids take to their mother's new man (and realistically, you should hope that they do, since it truly makes life easier for everyone).
Don't shy away from asking about things they do with him - although, in most cases, children tend to be garrulous, so they'll probably tell you anyway. Try not to show any jealousy, even if it's inside. Your kids don't need to know that there's a turmoil inside your head and heart. Try not to feel to threatened, since, in all likelihood, there's no reason.
Spend as much time as you can with your kids, and take advantage of all the time you're legally allowed. Do things they enjoy, and make sure you take part!
The Problems
If you don't have a good relationship with your ex, things can be a problem. All you can hope is that she doesn't try and turn the kids against you, and tries to put her new man into your place.
In that case, all you can do is be yourself and be loving with your children. Fighting fire with fire and saying bad things about your ex and her new partner is very counter-productive. It simply confuses the children and leaves them feeling very insecure. Enjoy your time with them and simply be you.
That feeling can worsen if your ex gets a serious, long-term partner. The natural feeling is that the new man in her life might end up closer to your children than you are.
The Feelings
How do you cope with the emotions and fear - because that's exactly what it is - that your children might end up calling another man dad? When your first learn that your former partner has someone serious it's at its worst, because you really don't know what the future might hold.
A lot depends on the bond you have with your children. If it's strong and secure you really have no need to worry. In their minds you will always be your father, even if someone else sees a lot more of them than you. Of course, it can be hard to remember and hold on to that, and the only thing that can make you feel better is time.
The problem can be if your relationship with your children is tenuous. The trick is not to feel it's a competition between you and your ex's new man. Remember, he needs to get to know the children and form his own relationship with them, which will take time. Ultimately, however much he's around, there's no way he can replace you. Simply be yourself with the kids and try to improve your own relationship with them.
What You Can Do
It's never an easy situation, and even if you're very secure with your children, you're bound to wonder from time to time, especially if the kids take to their mother's new man (and realistically, you should hope that they do, since it truly makes life easier for everyone).
Don't shy away from asking about things they do with him - although, in most cases, children tend to be garrulous, so they'll probably tell you anyway. Try not to show any jealousy, even if it's inside. Your kids don't need to know that there's a turmoil inside your head and heart. Try not to feel to threatened, since, in all likelihood, there's no reason.
Spend as much time as you can with your kids, and take advantage of all the time you're legally allowed. Do things they enjoy, and make sure you take part!
The Problems
If you don't have a good relationship with your ex, things can be a problem. All you can hope is that she doesn't try and turn the kids against you, and tries to put her new man into your place.
In that case, all you can do is be yourself and be loving with your children. Fighting fire with fire and saying bad things about your ex and her new partner is very counter-productive. It simply confuses the children and leaves them feeling very insecure. Enjoy your time with them and simply be you.
Paternal Grandparent's Rights
Grandparents are a huge asset to any family. Not only do they have a lot of love to give to their grandchildren, but these days they’re often called on as carers while the parents are at work. They play a vital role in the family.
More than that, when they’re carers (and even when they’re not) they develop very close bonds with their grandchildren, who sometimes spend more time with them than with their own parents. Estimates are that around 60% of all childcare in the UK is provided by grandparents, a truly staggering figure.
But when a couple divorce, what rights do the paternal grandparents have to see their grandchildren?
The Law
The sad but true fact is that only people with parental rights – which usually just means the mother and father named on the child’s birth certificate – have automatic access to the child. However, that doesn’t indicate that all legal doors are closed to grandparents. Where children are over the age of 10, their views are also taken into account when deciding access, although this is tempered with statements from the parents.
For those children below that age, the court tries to assess what’s in the best interests of the child when it comes to access. So it’s possible that paternal grandparents could have access (all this assumes the children reside with their mother). Realistically, though, it’s rare for paternal grandparents to be given access.
In Scotland there have been more moves towards grandparent access, a recognition of the role grandparents take in the raising of a child.
What Can You Do?
In truth, grandparents don’t have a legal leg to stand on. If your former daughter-in-law wants to deny you access to your own grandchildren, she can, and perfectly legally. You can try approaching her directly and negotiating access, or through mediation, but there’s no guarantee it would work.
There is also the alternative of taking the matter to court. Be warned, though, that it can be expensive, and in the vast majority of cases, you’ll find it to be unsuccessful. Additionally, there are a number of obstacles to be overcome first.
Quite ridiculously, the grandparents first have to apply to court for permission to even apply for a contact order. If it sounds convoluted, that’s because it is. But even if permission is granted, and the matter does go to court, the grandparents still have to prove that prior to the split they had an important, meaningful relationship with their grandchildren, and that it’s in the interests of the children that it continues. In other words, the onus is on the grandparents to prove their case, since there’s no presumed contact between grandparents and grandchildren. Additionally, parents can object, raising yet another hurdle.
Even in the few cases that grandparents win, that’s still no guarantee of success. The mother can simply ignore the order for access from the court, leaving the grandparents with another lengthy and expensive legal action to have it enforced.
It’s heartbreaking, not just for the grandparents, but also the children, who may well have depended on them for so long and built their lives about them. Even in the best break up, everyone suffers. When there’s rancour and bitterness involved, that’s doubled, and the ones who suffer most are the most powerless legally.
More than that, when they’re carers (and even when they’re not) they develop very close bonds with their grandchildren, who sometimes spend more time with them than with their own parents. Estimates are that around 60% of all childcare in the UK is provided by grandparents, a truly staggering figure.
But when a couple divorce, what rights do the paternal grandparents have to see their grandchildren?
The Law
The sad but true fact is that only people with parental rights – which usually just means the mother and father named on the child’s birth certificate – have automatic access to the child. However, that doesn’t indicate that all legal doors are closed to grandparents. Where children are over the age of 10, their views are also taken into account when deciding access, although this is tempered with statements from the parents.
For those children below that age, the court tries to assess what’s in the best interests of the child when it comes to access. So it’s possible that paternal grandparents could have access (all this assumes the children reside with their mother). Realistically, though, it’s rare for paternal grandparents to be given access.
In Scotland there have been more moves towards grandparent access, a recognition of the role grandparents take in the raising of a child.
What Can You Do?
In truth, grandparents don’t have a legal leg to stand on. If your former daughter-in-law wants to deny you access to your own grandchildren, she can, and perfectly legally. You can try approaching her directly and negotiating access, or through mediation, but there’s no guarantee it would work.
There is also the alternative of taking the matter to court. Be warned, though, that it can be expensive, and in the vast majority of cases, you’ll find it to be unsuccessful. Additionally, there are a number of obstacles to be overcome first.
Quite ridiculously, the grandparents first have to apply to court for permission to even apply for a contact order. If it sounds convoluted, that’s because it is. But even if permission is granted, and the matter does go to court, the grandparents still have to prove that prior to the split they had an important, meaningful relationship with their grandchildren, and that it’s in the interests of the children that it continues. In other words, the onus is on the grandparents to prove their case, since there’s no presumed contact between grandparents and grandchildren. Additionally, parents can object, raising yet another hurdle.
Even in the few cases that grandparents win, that’s still no guarantee of success. The mother can simply ignore the order for access from the court, leaving the grandparents with another lengthy and expensive legal action to have it enforced.
It’s heartbreaking, not just for the grandparents, but also the children, who may well have depended on them for so long and built their lives about them. Even in the best break up, everyone suffers. When there’s rancour and bitterness involved, that’s doubled, and the ones who suffer most are the most powerless legally.
Separation Rights for Fathers
If you have a child with your partner but aren’t married, you do have rights and responsibilities. Since the new law in 2003, if you were present when the birth was registered and your name is on the birth certificate as the child’s father, your position as a parent is equal to the mothers.
That law supplemented the 1989 Children Act, which was intended to emphasise parental responsibilities over rights, and believed that arrangements which were best for the children could be made without things having to devolve into court actions. It was idealistic, and of course the reality has often proved different from the intention.
The Problems
However well-intentioned the law, it can contain some nasty surprises for you. If you weren’t married to your partner and your name isn’t on the child’s birth certificate, although you know you’re the biological father (which can often happen pre-2003), you could find you have no right to see your children unless your former partner allows it, or have any influence in their lives at all.
If your name isn’t on that birth certificate, you’ll need a Parental Responsibility Agreement. Once signed and properly filed with the court, this will give you full parental rights and responsibilities. The form itself can be downloaded from the Families Need Fathers website although it requires the signature of both you and the mother (you must both be biological parents of the child), and the child has to be living in either England or Wales for the law to apply. Of course, if your former partner won’t sign, then you’re stuck, and be forced to take the case to a hearing in court. If the mother continues to assert you’re not the father, the legal bills could become very high indeed. You’ll need to apply for a Parental Responsibility Order. The court will consider the welfare of the child, and you’ll find that an Order will be granted only if it’s better than not granting an Order at all.
Fathers’ Rights
In recent years there have been protests regarding fathers’ right in the U.K. (witness some of the antics of Fathers4Justice, for instance). However, according to government statistics, the vast majority of arrangements for contact (90%) are made informally, and in 2003, only 2% of the applications to court for contact orders were refused. In other words, in spite of the horror stories, you should have a good chance of contact, especially if your child was born after 2003, or you have yours and your former partner’s signatures on a Parental Responsibility Agreement.
Types of Orders
You should be familiar with the types of orders you’ll encounter once you’re separated. A Residence Order determines which parent the children will live with – which in most instances is the mother, although you can apply for a Residence Order (this is possibly even if you don’t have Parental Responsibility). Realistically speaking, though, don’t hold your breath. A Contact Order specifies when and under what circumstances you can see your children. The court has to consider the welfare of the children when granting, or not granting, a contact order.
A Prohibited Steps Order prevents someone (not necessarily just a person with Parental Responsibility) doing certain things with your children, such as removing them from the country.
Specific Issue Orders are drawn up to deal with particular items, where you and your former partner can’t reach agreement. They’re often requested for education and medical issues. You’ll need to use a solicitor to apply for any of these orders.
That law supplemented the 1989 Children Act, which was intended to emphasise parental responsibilities over rights, and believed that arrangements which were best for the children could be made without things having to devolve into court actions. It was idealistic, and of course the reality has often proved different from the intention.
The Problems
However well-intentioned the law, it can contain some nasty surprises for you. If you weren’t married to your partner and your name isn’t on the child’s birth certificate, although you know you’re the biological father (which can often happen pre-2003), you could find you have no right to see your children unless your former partner allows it, or have any influence in their lives at all.
If your name isn’t on that birth certificate, you’ll need a Parental Responsibility Agreement. Once signed and properly filed with the court, this will give you full parental rights and responsibilities. The form itself can be downloaded from the Families Need Fathers website although it requires the signature of both you and the mother (you must both be biological parents of the child), and the child has to be living in either England or Wales for the law to apply. Of course, if your former partner won’t sign, then you’re stuck, and be forced to take the case to a hearing in court. If the mother continues to assert you’re not the father, the legal bills could become very high indeed. You’ll need to apply for a Parental Responsibility Order. The court will consider the welfare of the child, and you’ll find that an Order will be granted only if it’s better than not granting an Order at all.
Fathers’ Rights
In recent years there have been protests regarding fathers’ right in the U.K. (witness some of the antics of Fathers4Justice, for instance). However, according to government statistics, the vast majority of arrangements for contact (90%) are made informally, and in 2003, only 2% of the applications to court for contact orders were refused. In other words, in spite of the horror stories, you should have a good chance of contact, especially if your child was born after 2003, or you have yours and your former partner’s signatures on a Parental Responsibility Agreement.
Types of Orders
You should be familiar with the types of orders you’ll encounter once you’re separated. A Residence Order determines which parent the children will live with – which in most instances is the mother, although you can apply for a Residence Order (this is possibly even if you don’t have Parental Responsibility). Realistically speaking, though, don’t hold your breath. A Contact Order specifies when and under what circumstances you can see your children. The court has to consider the welfare of the children when granting, or not granting, a contact order.
A Prohibited Steps Order prevents someone (not necessarily just a person with Parental Responsibility) doing certain things with your children, such as removing them from the country.
Specific Issue Orders are drawn up to deal with particular items, where you and your former partner can’t reach agreement. They’re often requested for education and medical issues. You’ll need to use a solicitor to apply for any of these orders.
How Divorce Works For Fathers
Divorce is what legally ends the marriage between you and your former partner resulting in a decree nisi and a decree absolute. It can be simple, or a lengthy, contentious process, depending on the parties involved, and how they agree to divide property and assets.
Concerning children, divorce can be equally straightforward or problematic. You will have Parental Responsibility for the children born in wedlock with your partner. You will have to pay child support, or maintenance, which can be worked out with your ex or a monthly sum mandated by the Child Support Agency, depending on your income.
Working Out Of Court
This is the easiest way, if you can reach an agreement in direct negotiation with your ex or through mediation. There’s less acrimony and generally a much better atmosphere to the proceedings and you can take the agreement to court, and it becomes legally valid if signed by the solicitors employed by you and your ex.
Be aware, however, that mothers have flouted these agreements in the past, and some will again. If so, you’ll need to obtain a court order to have them enforced, and even then those might be breached. A great deal depends on the goodwill between you and your former partner.
In Court
Some feel its better if you represent yourself in court, using someone called a “McKenzie friend,” a person familiar with experience of the legal and divorce processes. Others feel your interests will be better served by employing a solicitor to argue your case for you.
In the case of an acrimonious divorce, you might find your ex making accusations against you. You’ll need to be prepared for this. If you’ve had contact with your children before the divorce hearing, keep a parenting diary with full details of the contacts, dates, etc adding photographs if possible.
Where children are old enough to voice opinions, their wishes are taken into account by the court regarding contact and residence. Another important part of the proceedings is the CAFCASS report, where both parents, other carers, teachers and others are interviewed to reach a determination. Courts mostly follow all the recommendations of the report. However, if you’re unhappy with any part of it, you can challenge that, or even request a new report by another officer.
The tradition in contact tends to be every other weekend and half the school holidays with you, with your children spending the rest of the time with their mother. However, it’s quite possible to suggest other arrangements, especially if that’s what your children desire. Joint residency, for example, is a relatively new concept here, but one which is widely practiced in Europe and gaining traction in America.
Things You Should Do
Keep up your maintenance payments, making them on time and in full. This shows responsibility to your children and eliminates at least one legal hold your ex might have over you. If unemployment or other factors make payment impossible, keep full records and present them to the court.
If possible, create a co-parenting plan with your ex. This can help head off any future problems and means you really are putting your children first.
Never use your kids to pass messages to your former partner. Keep them above the problems you two have.
Concerning children, divorce can be equally straightforward or problematic. You will have Parental Responsibility for the children born in wedlock with your partner. You will have to pay child support, or maintenance, which can be worked out with your ex or a monthly sum mandated by the Child Support Agency, depending on your income.
Working Out Of Court
This is the easiest way, if you can reach an agreement in direct negotiation with your ex or through mediation. There’s less acrimony and generally a much better atmosphere to the proceedings and you can take the agreement to court, and it becomes legally valid if signed by the solicitors employed by you and your ex.
Be aware, however, that mothers have flouted these agreements in the past, and some will again. If so, you’ll need to obtain a court order to have them enforced, and even then those might be breached. A great deal depends on the goodwill between you and your former partner.
In Court
Some feel its better if you represent yourself in court, using someone called a “McKenzie friend,” a person familiar with experience of the legal and divorce processes. Others feel your interests will be better served by employing a solicitor to argue your case for you.
In the case of an acrimonious divorce, you might find your ex making accusations against you. You’ll need to be prepared for this. If you’ve had contact with your children before the divorce hearing, keep a parenting diary with full details of the contacts, dates, etc adding photographs if possible.
Where children are old enough to voice opinions, their wishes are taken into account by the court regarding contact and residence. Another important part of the proceedings is the CAFCASS report, where both parents, other carers, teachers and others are interviewed to reach a determination. Courts mostly follow all the recommendations of the report. However, if you’re unhappy with any part of it, you can challenge that, or even request a new report by another officer.
The tradition in contact tends to be every other weekend and half the school holidays with you, with your children spending the rest of the time with their mother. However, it’s quite possible to suggest other arrangements, especially if that’s what your children desire. Joint residency, for example, is a relatively new concept here, but one which is widely practiced in Europe and gaining traction in America.
Things You Should Do
Keep up your maintenance payments, making them on time and in full. This shows responsibility to your children and eliminates at least one legal hold your ex might have over you. If unemployment or other factors make payment impossible, keep full records and present them to the court.
If possible, create a co-parenting plan with your ex. This can help head off any future problems and means you really are putting your children first.
Never use your kids to pass messages to your former partner. Keep them above the problems you two have.
Dealing with the Challenges of Parenting Teenagers
When you're a teenager, you have a tough time but when you're the parent of a teenager it seems so much worse. Having children who are big enough to take care of themselves may sound great until you consider the tantrums, the back talk and a million and one other things associated with teenagers. So what exactly can a parent do?
The first thing that parents of teenagers need to remember is: hormones, the struggle for independence and autonomy, couple with peer pressure and coupled with the fear of the future and their own inadequacies can send a teenager into a situation where they exhibit a behavior that is seemingly antisocial. The emotions of teenagers are subject to volatility and this volatility is usually expressed when they find people who they can easily vent to. The main thing is that parents should understand what their teenagers are going through but you shouldn't just allow them get away with everything.
One way that a parent can help their teenagers cope with the road to adulthood is by getting to know them. Experts tend to agree that taking the time out to be a companion to your teenagers and knowing them for who they are can easily foster a relationship of love and respect that can last for a number of years. Teens may not really like it when their parents intrude on their privacy but they like it when their parents show an interest in what is important to them at this particular stage of their life and development.
You should monitor the activities of your children and their friends at a distance. You should look out for any danger signs that may signify trouble such as a drop in grades, weight change, and terrible changes in sleeping patterns, depression or isolation. These things may all be strong signs of depression, drug use or disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.
When it comes to discipline, the teenage years can be fraught with power struggles between teenagers and the adults who rule the home. This is especially difficult especially when these teenagers think they're adults already. It is also important to encourage your teenagers to strive for a greater sense of emotional and physical independence but they should also understand that wayward behavior comes with consequences. You should stand strong with your teenagers in order to make their growing children understand who is in charge for the moment. A time will come for them to be on their own and make their own decisions but it isn't just the time yet.
These are just a few suggestions that could help you build a better parent and child relationship with your teenager during times that are rough and difficult to handle.
Remain Calm
Regardless of whether you're enforcing discipline or you're talking about a touchy subject, you should make sure that you use a neutral tone to tell your child who is charge. Calmness is also contagious too.
Focus On Your Child
Children and most especially teenagers need to know and understand that you're really listening to their own point of view and that you care about how they think and how they feel. You should focus on their interests even if they don't particularly interest you, listen and give praise when you feel they deserve it.
Be Straightforward with Your Expectations
Teens don't tend to respond well to any hints or suggestions. If you want your teenager to take out the garbage, you should tell them so directly.
Show Teenagers Respect
Remember to say please and thank you. When you speak kindly your children are bound to do the same too.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
The first thing that parents of teenagers need to remember is: hormones, the struggle for independence and autonomy, couple with peer pressure and coupled with the fear of the future and their own inadequacies can send a teenager into a situation where they exhibit a behavior that is seemingly antisocial. The emotions of teenagers are subject to volatility and this volatility is usually expressed when they find people who they can easily vent to. The main thing is that parents should understand what their teenagers are going through but you shouldn't just allow them get away with everything.
One way that a parent can help their teenagers cope with the road to adulthood is by getting to know them. Experts tend to agree that taking the time out to be a companion to your teenagers and knowing them for who they are can easily foster a relationship of love and respect that can last for a number of years. Teens may not really like it when their parents intrude on their privacy but they like it when their parents show an interest in what is important to them at this particular stage of their life and development.
You should monitor the activities of your children and their friends at a distance. You should look out for any danger signs that may signify trouble such as a drop in grades, weight change, and terrible changes in sleeping patterns, depression or isolation. These things may all be strong signs of depression, drug use or disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.
When it comes to discipline, the teenage years can be fraught with power struggles between teenagers and the adults who rule the home. This is especially difficult especially when these teenagers think they're adults already. It is also important to encourage your teenagers to strive for a greater sense of emotional and physical independence but they should also understand that wayward behavior comes with consequences. You should stand strong with your teenagers in order to make their growing children understand who is in charge for the moment. A time will come for them to be on their own and make their own decisions but it isn't just the time yet.
These are just a few suggestions that could help you build a better parent and child relationship with your teenager during times that are rough and difficult to handle.
Remain Calm
Regardless of whether you're enforcing discipline or you're talking about a touchy subject, you should make sure that you use a neutral tone to tell your child who is charge. Calmness is also contagious too.
Focus On Your Child
Children and most especially teenagers need to know and understand that you're really listening to their own point of view and that you care about how they think and how they feel. You should focus on their interests even if they don't particularly interest you, listen and give praise when you feel they deserve it.
Be Straightforward with Your Expectations
Teens don't tend to respond well to any hints or suggestions. If you want your teenager to take out the garbage, you should tell them so directly.
Show Teenagers Respect
Remember to say please and thank you. When you speak kindly your children are bound to do the same too.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
The Ultimate Survival Guide for the Single Father
The ultimate survival guide for the single father would have advice for every conceivable situation. Such a guide would need to contain far more what I can cover in this article. For that reason, this article will focus on techniques that can help a single father to survive a specific seasonal event.
A single father often finds that he becomes most depressed during the holiday season. While the joy of Christmas giving seems to have filled everyone else's heart, the single father feels lost and alone. He frequently struggles to display a cheery attitude when his children arrive for a visit.
How can a single father best survive the demands and emotions that fill so much of the holiday season? How can he survive the onslaught of feelings that limit a single father's ability to show forth the expected holiday spirit?
A single man wants to do more than just endure the holidays. In order to derive pleasure from the holiday season, the single father needs to develop a plan. What should be incorporated into such a plan?
First, a single father should plan to spend the holidays in the company of friends or family. A single father usually gets to spend some time with his children during the holiday season. While the single father can anticipate company during a portion of the holidays, that companionship could leave him feeling even lonelier after the holidays.
A single father might want to identify events of interest that he could attend before or after the arrival of his children. A man can not easily feel alone, when he is with people with whom he has a shared interest. He generally finds that the time passes more quickly, when he is in the company of others.
Sometimes a single father might hesitate to attend any event during the holidays. He might feel out of place at such an event, unable to display the joy and enthusiasm coming from others at the same event. A man, who avoids social events because he feels guilty about his loneliness, will only feed that loneliness. The single father must get rid of all feelings of guilt.
Even with a decent social schedule, a single father can still have some empty time, especially during the holiday season. The wise single father searches for a volunteer activity in which to become involved. By making an effort to help others, a single father finds little time to consider how his life might be improved, if he could again become a happily married man.
Still the single father does not need to feel obligated to think only about others throughout the holiday season. In fact, a single father who seeks to please his own whims does his family a favor. The children of a single father want their father to be healthy and happy. They welcome any effort by him to acquire a more optimistic outlook on life.
During the season of joy, a single father should work on developing joyfulness. When someone is joyful, they can still have a certain amount of sadness. Yet such sadness comes from an outer influence. When a man has learned to be joyful, then he has tapped into an inner happiness.
Joyfulness should be viewed as a sign of strength. The joyful single father can offer his children a feeling of joy, even when he is a bit troubled. His children will then work closely with him to perpetuate situations that aid his "survival." They will realize that his survival represents what they need most.
Desiring such survival, the man's children can create a workable "survival guide."
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
A single father often finds that he becomes most depressed during the holiday season. While the joy of Christmas giving seems to have filled everyone else's heart, the single father feels lost and alone. He frequently struggles to display a cheery attitude when his children arrive for a visit.
How can a single father best survive the demands and emotions that fill so much of the holiday season? How can he survive the onslaught of feelings that limit a single father's ability to show forth the expected holiday spirit?
A single man wants to do more than just endure the holidays. In order to derive pleasure from the holiday season, the single father needs to develop a plan. What should be incorporated into such a plan?
First, a single father should plan to spend the holidays in the company of friends or family. A single father usually gets to spend some time with his children during the holiday season. While the single father can anticipate company during a portion of the holidays, that companionship could leave him feeling even lonelier after the holidays.
A single father might want to identify events of interest that he could attend before or after the arrival of his children. A man can not easily feel alone, when he is with people with whom he has a shared interest. He generally finds that the time passes more quickly, when he is in the company of others.
Sometimes a single father might hesitate to attend any event during the holidays. He might feel out of place at such an event, unable to display the joy and enthusiasm coming from others at the same event. A man, who avoids social events because he feels guilty about his loneliness, will only feed that loneliness. The single father must get rid of all feelings of guilt.
Even with a decent social schedule, a single father can still have some empty time, especially during the holiday season. The wise single father searches for a volunteer activity in which to become involved. By making an effort to help others, a single father finds little time to consider how his life might be improved, if he could again become a happily married man.
Still the single father does not need to feel obligated to think only about others throughout the holiday season. In fact, a single father who seeks to please his own whims does his family a favor. The children of a single father want their father to be healthy and happy. They welcome any effort by him to acquire a more optimistic outlook on life.
During the season of joy, a single father should work on developing joyfulness. When someone is joyful, they can still have a certain amount of sadness. Yet such sadness comes from an outer influence. When a man has learned to be joyful, then he has tapped into an inner happiness.
Joyfulness should be viewed as a sign of strength. The joyful single father can offer his children a feeling of joy, even when he is a bit troubled. His children will then work closely with him to perpetuate situations that aid his "survival." They will realize that his survival represents what they need most.
Desiring such survival, the man's children can create a workable "survival guide."
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
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