Keep Close To Home As a Divorced Dad

Keep Close To Home As a Divorced Dad
Why Divorced Dads and Moms Shouldn't Move

A recent study by researchers at Arizona State University documents what many fathers have always known intuitively: that children of divorced parents are best off when the parents both live in the general vicinity, regardless of who has custody. This is a critical piece of information for any divorced dad who cares about keeping a great relationship with his children.

The study, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, debunks the myth found today in courtrooms all around America that it is not a problem when one parent relocates, whether that parent has custody of the children or not.

The study examined fourteen variables related to the stability of college age students who had been subject to a divorce in their growing up years. These measures included the amount of college education contributions from their families, measures of their personal/emotional adjustment, their level of hostility toward their parents, their romantic and friendship choices, their overall personal health and their life satisfaction.

Here are some of the very interesting findings of this comprehensive study:

* Of the children of divorced parents involved in the study, 61% experienced a move of at least one hour’s drive by one parent at least once during their childhood.

* Of divorced children whose parents contributed to their college education, the average contribution for children whose parents stayed in close proximity was $6.154. For those who moved with their mother away from their father, the contribution dropped to $4,378. For those who stayed with mom when the dad moved away, the contribution was $5,197.

* When measuring the inner turmoil and distress from the divorce, the researchers found that the scores were much lower for children whose parents both remained close by than when either the father or the mother moved, with our without the children.

* Students studied had better total rapport with their parents when both were located close by than when one was located at least an hour away from the children.

* Female students showed a much better ranking on overall personal health when both parents stayed in proximity. Their lowest health ranking was when they relocated with their mother away from their father.

The conclusion is clear—kids are better able to survive divorce when both parents stay located in close proximity to the children. So dad, if your kids’ mom wants to relocate for any reason, you have a significant reason to protest that move with the family court.

What We All Can Learn from Stepdads

Written by the dads @ fathers.com
Date Posted: Saturday, 19 April 2008


A study released earlier this year points out that being affirming and attentive is important for all dads, but particularly for stepdads. Researchers at the Institute of Education, University of London, found that stepdads are more likely than stepmoms to have conflict with a teenager. The stepdads reported more behavioral problems in their teens, and they admitted that they spend less time praising their children in comparison to biological dads. Generally the relationship is worse if the teen is a boy.

What the study does not tell us is the root of these issues: Do teen stepchildren behave worse, or are stepdads more critical and less encouraging of their stepchildren? Either way, it underscores the complexity of the challenges that stepfathers face. If you’re a stepdad, remember to also understand the upside potential: the researchers found that being attentive to your children—stepchildren or not—can have a big, positive impact on them.

With all this in mind, here are three suggestions for stepdads—and we can all find something to apply here:

* Set a positive tone. Be proactive about it. Practice the discipline of putting yourself in your kids’ situation; really consider what they are going through and, as the researchers said, be attentive to what they need from you.
* Recognize the vital importance of communication. The tension points are going to be there. Recognize them when they’re still minor, bring them out in the open and talk them out in a healthy way. If this doesn’t come naturally for you or you don’t really know how to do it, make the effort to learn. Don’t let minor conflicts become major.
* Build strong teamwork with your wife. Your marriage needs to be a source of stability for the kids. There should be no doubt that you’re working together as parents to do what’s best for them. There should be no inconsistencies or signs of doubt for the kids to exploit. So work out any parenting differences in private, so you can be united when dealing with the kids.

Many men have become huge positive forces in the lives of their stepchildren, their teenagers, and in the face of other challenges. There’s no reason you can’t be a strong influence too. Read more of our articles for dads in specific situations.

ACTION POINTS

* Work on making positive comments to your children. Try to focus on the good that you do want from them instead of the negative thing they need to avoid, or the negative thing they have already done.
* Whenever your children or stepchildren decide to talk, restrain yourself from correcting them. Just listen and get to know them.
* Let your stepchildren know that you aren't trying to replace their natural father if he is still in their lives.
* Join your children and their mom in an activity they already enjoy doing together—maybe a game night or going to a favorite pizza place.
* Read a book about stepparenting with your wife. One great one is Winning the Heart of Your Stepchild by Bob Barnes.

DAD, The Man at Home

Written by Patrick Mitchell
Date Posted: Thursday, 26 April 2007

"I'm at the park. I'll call you if I need you-over," says my nine-year-old son into one of three state-of-the-art walkie-talkies that I recently bought for our family of five. "Roger. Be back home in 15 minutes for dinner-over," is my reply.

The walkie-talkies were expensive by toy standards, but cheap when an at-home dad factors in peace of mind. I must admit, there's something official and cool about saying "Over ... roger ... copy" into one of 400 channels, which I have pre-selected for my kids. They're fun to play with; and yet, these high-tech toys are an important tool in my fatherhood toolkit.

It was not easy giving my kids longer (electronic) leashes so they could range farther from home. But nine-year-olds need more freedom than eight-year-olds, and the walkie-talkies allowed me to give them some freedom and still keep tabs on them.

I cannot think of any moms offhand who would buy long-range communication devices for their nine-year-old children to use electronic-kid-on-a-leash style. But let's be honest: some of the things we dads do are rather outlandish. At-home dads do things differently, and not just to sustain the stereotype that we're innovators, but because we can't escape this immutable truth: We're men, we're the adults, we're dads, and we're supposed to be in charge. My new high-tech devices speak to that truth-it's okay to play, but let's remember who's the boss:

"Stay within my range," I tell the kids.

Remember Who's in Charge ...

Fathers who double as playmates for their kids surely are among the happiest dads on earth. I know firsthand the joy of a mock match of Championship Wrestling on the living room floor, of late night pillow fights, and of long, quiet walks holding hands and talking about the wind. However, some of us take things a little too far sometimes, going overboard on the 'I'll be your best friend' side of the fence.

I've met fathers-some of them at-home dads like myself-who I think may be setting themselves up for bruises to their parenting psyches. I say this from my experience as an at-home dad of five years who's been all at once Number One Playmate, Chief Rule-Setter, and Boundary-Maker Dad. I recognize that I may very well be talking about the exception rather than the rule here; however, the point screams to be made (at least by me): We're dads, not moms, and we're adults, not children.

According to Sam Osherson, author of several critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, it is important to establish and maintain a fatherly presence for our children. "Children in many ways need a father who will set boundaries and clear limits. Many of us get confused between being friends with our children and being fathers," Osherson told me in a recent interview.

Setting Limits ...

We play often, my children and I, but lately I've been encouraging them to make friends who aren't named "Dad." It's only natural to want to spend time with the ones we love-lots of time-and to know them fully. However, dads who are their kids' primary playmate run the risk of losing credibility in setting boundaries and in the discipline arena. "Our kids need us to set limits and protect them from their own impulses sometimes," Osherson says.

It gets tricky when we try to be a child's best friend and a solid, fatherly role model. According to Osherson, it can cause many fathers "agony because we feel that we're being like our own fathers were, or that we're not being good fathers because we're setting limits."

Our children need a strong fatherly influence in their lives, not another mom or another best friend. Although I tickle my children daily and wrestle them on the living room floor, I am going to strive to remember that I am Dad, The Man of the House.

And as long as we're on the same wavelength, I'll continue telling them, "Over and out" as needed.



Patrick Mitchell, a.k.a. The Down To Earth Dad, is an at-home dad, a custodial parent to his eight-year-old son, and a stepfather of two. For more information on the newsletter or to book Patrick for speaking engagements and workshops ,visit DownToEarthDad.org.

Considerations for At-Home Dads

Written by the dads @ fathers.com
Date Posted: Saturday, 28 April 2007

The old Michael Keaton Mr. Mom movie got laughs by playing off the public perception that men were out of place as full-time caretakers for their children. But more and more couples are discovering that, for them, having Dad stay home is the right decision.

Attitudes in our society have certainly changed in recent years. For one thing, fathers are generally more involved in their kids' lives than a generation or even a decade ago. Their co-workers and bosses are also more open to family-friendly policies.

Being an at-home dad isn't for everyone, but if you're considering this option, let's look at a few things you'll want to think about.

First, and most obvious, look at the financial considerations. Even if you aren't going to be the main breadwinner, you still have a responsibility to see that your children are provided for.

Second, find a support network to help you survive and thrive. At-home parent groups overwhelmingly cater to moms, but at-home dads are a rapidly growing group, and they face some unique challenges.

There are some great online resources and networks for at-home dads, but also be cognizant of activity in your neighborhood, at the playground, and throughout the community. When you're taking care of your child, you're bound to spy another dad doing the same. Go out of your way and make a friendly connection.

And third, be ready for how people will react. Sure, our society has changed a lot in recent decades, but many people will still make jokes about a dad staying home to care for his children. They may assign you any number of stereotypes, like you're a bumbling Mr. Mom like in the movie, or you're incompetent in the business world, or you're a slacker, or even that your wife is the one who "wears the pants" in the family. It's unfortunate that anyone would do react that way, and maybe they'll eventually come around, but you have to be ready for it.

The best approach? Just smile and count each experience or comment as a blessing, because they will force you to re-examine your decision, remember the good reasons why you've taken on that role, and re-commit again and again to do what's best for your children.

Single Moms: Kids Need Their Dads

Written by Ken Canfield
Date Posted: Wednesday, 28 March 2007


Anita recently sent us this e-mail:

I'm a single mother, and by chance I ran upon your web site. The information scared me—not for myself, but for my 2-year-old son. His father left when he was born, and he's had no contact with him at all. I feel this is for the best because his father doesn't care and has no desire to spend time with him. He is very irresponsible and I'm personally happy he is out of our lives. We are surviving. I want my son to be happy and healthy, and I would love nothing more than to meet a good man to be a father to my son. But until that special person comes along, it's just the two of us.

Thanks, Anita, for your openness. It's great that you're motivated to act on your child's behalf, and your letter gives me a chance to talk to all single mothers out there. And I think there's a lesson here for all fathers as well.

I encourage you to get your children—especially your sons—involved with responsible men who are positive role models - even if there's no possibility of a romantic relationship between you and the man.

If your child's absent father was a destructive and negative influence, I completely understand why you don't want him around. Your reasons are probably valid; he has no good excuses for deserting you and your children. But let me give you something to think about.

Someday he very well may come to his senses—even if it's ten or twenty years from now. He will probably want to be part of his children's lives at some point. I'm sure there's a lot of bitterness on your part, and your children will have lots of questions, too. But your children want and need to know who their father is and, if at all possible, have a good relationship with him. Simply, kids need their dads.

Now, please hear me: I'm not saying this because I feel some sense of male solidarity with your child's father. This isn't a battle of the sexes; it's a battle to do what's best for your child.

We've seen that, even in extreme situations, children almost always have a soft spot and a hope deep in their hearts for their fathers. In my opinion, it's best if you can separate your own feelings and, assuming the father does clean up his act, encourage that relationship.

I know these are not black-and-white situations. If he comes back and wants to see his children, you have every right to be suspicious, and should proceed very cautiously.

But keep in mind that a man's priorities change as he matures. He may not deserve to see his children, and having him in the picture may complicate your life to a great degree. I know—it isn't fair. But please have an open mind that he can become a good father. Your children do need him.

Divorced Dads: Research & Redemption

Written by the dads @ fathers.com
Date Posted: Saturday, 28 April 2007

We know from a considerable amount of research that divorce impacts a family for generations. Children especially tend to carry negative feelings about home, marriage and sexuality into their adult lives, and they are more anxious and pessimistic about their future.

We could list studies showing that fathers who grew up in broken homes struggle in significant areas such as problem solving and being aware of their children’s abilities. One of the saddest findings, by researcher Ross Parke, notes that two years after a divorce, the majority of fathers have little or no contact with their children.

A father named Dan never wanted to divorce, but his wife was determined to go through with it. Dan tried to make the best of it—he committed himself to fight against the distressing odds associated with dads and divorce. He did whatever it took to be an important part of his daughter’s life. At one point, he was driving 400 miles each weekend to see her. Despite difficulties in custody and visitation arrangements, Dan never missed a child support check. After 15 years, his investment has paid off, and it shows in the strong, ever-deepening relationship with his daughter.

Recently, as they celebrated her college graduation, Dan took time to reflect on the course of their relationship. He admits that, though the divorce was painful, it forced him to shape up, re-prioritize, and “seize the moment.” He demonstrated a level of fatherly commitment that he may have never attained without the trials and challenges.

Heroic, redemptive fatherhood often shines when tested by painful experiences. Whether it’s a divorce, having a child stray into a destructive lifestyle, or some other challenge. The hope for dads facing those challenges is that even the most difficult circumstances can turn it into something positive and even beautiful—especially beautiful when compared to the pain and difficulty.

Finally, there’s a lesson here for all dads. Let’s seize the moment with our families now—to shape up, re-prioritize, and re-commit to each one of our kids and our wives.

You and Your Children's Mother: Overcoming Anger for Your Kids' Sake

Written by Patrick Batchelder
Date Posted: Saturday, 28 April 2007


Getting tired of hearing about how all single dads are angry? If you're like me, you don't even read the "deadbeat dad" articles anymore—it's enough to make you mad!

The real danger of that kind of anger is that it can very easily cloud your thinking and make you temporarily forget one of your most valued priorities in life, your kids. What's really best for you and them? Do you really get that much satisfaction out of hating your former wife? Who's really being hurt here? If there's a constant pain in your stomach, it isn't her that's bleeding; it's you—and the kids.

Like many things in life, hate is a choice. It may seem like an uncontrollable reaction, but in not learning to control your anger, you have chosen to hate. I'm not asking you to love the kids' mom again; that's a choice too. There's a middle ground you have to reach—the lack of anger and hate. It's a very necessary first step in bringing healing to your family.

I'll be borrowing from Ken Canfield's book, The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers—specifically, secret five: Loving Their Mother. I know it may be hard to even think about right now, but force yourself-for you and your children's sake.

Distrust Your Former Wife? Your Kids Will, Too

No one's perfect-including you. Sometimes we're late; we all do things that hurt others, too. With that in mind, let go of all the distrust you can, especially if it's based on old memories. If you choose to re-live that distrust over and over in your mind, it will give you an ulcer.

But, even worse, your children will pick up on the distrust like the smell of hamburgers on the grill. Your attitude won't come back to haunt her, only you and your kids. If you reinforce that she can't be trusted or doesn't keep promises, you'll only create a basic anxiety and fear in your kids' lives. They may not trust any women. Your son could grow up to have a string of failed relationships with women; your daughter may develop negative views of womanhood or motherhood. They'll learn to distrust you for it too, and that could undermine many of the other things you're trying to do as a dad.

No matter how much satisfaction you may get out of spite, don't do that to your kids. Now that the marriage is over, why not be a little forgiving?

Can't Bring Yourself to Talk to Their Mom?

I remember a grade school program where my son was up on the bleachers, singing his heart out about Frosty the Snowman. His mom and I were sitting on the front row, talking. What did we talk about? My son John, of course. No need to be angry about the past or present. No need to hate anyone. Only a great reason to communicate our mutual love and hopes for the life of this great little guy.

Afterwards, when we were standing around with all the other proud parents, a woman approached me and said, "I was talking to your wife, and she said ...." Oh boy. My wife! Then I stopped and thought, Of course. It was an easy mistake, but I also took it as a compliment, because it reflected that we were taking a tense situation and choosing to make the best of it. We both hugged John and then went our separate ways. No ulcers, no atmosphere of distrust, no lack of communication, no anger. Who benefited? My son John, myself, and maybe their mom. We all won and it felt great. You can win and bring your kids into the equation too.

Think about the future now. Imagine no hate, anger or distrust aimed at your children's mother. You're there, and there is laughter, affirmation, even love. Your kids see their potential, love their mom for who she is, and give you credit for being the dad all their friends would like to have.

What more can life give in your role as a dad? Not much. Try it!



Patrick Batchelder is a writer and single-father advocate. He lives in Colorado with his son and daughter.

The Hug That Changed My Life

Written by Randell D. Turner, Ph.D.
Date Posted: Friday, 29 February 2008

A Father Re-Connects With His Daughter

It was the smell that triggered the memory. The odor enveloped my senses, propelling me into an emotional time warp. Forgotten scenes replayed the episode like discovering a misplaced picture album in the back of the hall closet. For a brief moment, my mind willingly wandered through the memory.

It happened at the strangest of places: a roadside rest stop north of Columbus, Ohio. I was on my way to speak at a conference, stopping for a quick break. Preoccupied with the upcoming conference, I pulled open the heavy brown metal doors to the rest stop lobby and was greeted by the overpowering odor of chlorine, like you get from an indoor pool. I don’t know why it was there, but the pungent aroma reached past my conscious thoughts and unlocked the massive brass and wooden trunk of forgotten memories. My mind’s recorder rewound to just the right spot and pressed play.

In a split second I was transported to an event four years earlier in Wisconsin. My two daughters and I were at the pool of the hotel where I always stayed during our visits. Hilary, my oldest daughter, had just gone back to the room to clean up before dinner. My youngest daughter Alison and I were in the pool goofing around, working on our synchronized swimming routines: turn, twist, dive, leap, gasp, cough, and so forth.

Caught up in the performance, Alison executed a backward underwater somersault too close to the bottom and struck her head on the pool floor. Panic stricken, I grabbed her and helped her regain her footing. Holding her head, tears beginning to flow, I pulled her close, hoping to ease her pain. She was eleven—almost twelve if you asked her—but it was like holding my little girl when she was three. We stood there, alone in the middle of the pool, tightly hugging each other. I said something to try to comfort her as her tears began to subside, but she said nothing.

That’s when it happened. Even though she had stopped crying, she didn’t let go, and neither did I. Time stood still.

We had reached out to each other because she was hurt, but we held on because this was something that we both had missed over the years living so far apart. No words were spoken. Our communication was beyond any words—a father’s soul to a daughter’s heart, both starving for this moment that neither thought would come, yet both hoping against hope. It was the hug that changed my life.

If you have never been separated from your children for long periods of time, you may not understand, though I’m sure you share a deep love for your children. However, if you’re one of the thousands of fathers who are separated, divorced or incarcerated, you know exactly what I’m saying.

We long for the opportunity to patch a scraped knee, soothe a hurting spirit, or chase away the monsters under the bed. These little, yet significant moments pass us by as our children seem to grow up much faster when we’re apart. We would like to be there at that moment when our children need us, perhaps just once when they’re hurt from a bicycle fall or sad because of a classmate’s unkind remark—just once. But for most of us, those moments pass us by.

Sure, we have our visits, and if our children get hurt we comfort them, but visits aren’t real day-to-day life. They’re condensed time capsules, crammed with an abundance of activities, trying to make up for lost time. Just when the visit begins to slow to a normal pace, it’s time to take them home. All that fills the silence after the good-byes is the sad sensation that so many things were left undone or unsaid. You pledge to do them during the next visit, but by then she has grown so much that you need to find your bearings and get over the initial discomfort, and your visit time flies.

So now you understand why I say this was the hug that changed my life. For in that instant, an emerging young lady once again became “Daddy’s little girl”; a struggling father became a dad; both souls received a glorious answer to our desperate prayers.

Thank God for memories. They dearly hold what we hold dear, waiting to be relived again and again, arriving when we least expect them, triggered by a song, a familiar sight, or perhaps even a smell.


Randell Turner is the director of the Fathers Workshop, an organization that works to encourage and support fathers throughout Pennsylvania.

Making Visitation Work

Written by Ken Canfield
Date Posted: Wednesday, 28 March 2007


Visitation. Even the word sounds ominous, like something you might do with a prisoner. If you’re a divorced dad who gets the kids maybe twice a month, I know this is one of the greatest challenges you face. You don’t have free access to your kids, and when you do see them, there’s pressure to make the most of your time together. Unfortunately, kids sense that pressure and it changes things.

If you feel uncomfortable without always having something to do together, that might be a clue that there’s a larger issue that you and your kids need to discuss. But generally, in time, you can settle into a workable routine.

Let me offer a few suggestions that may help smooth out a tough situation, borrowing from Kenneth Parker and Van Jones in their book, Every Other Weekend.

First, give it some time. There are adjustments to make for you and your children. You’ll all have to take on slightly different roles, and make some changes. Be flexible in how you relate to your kids.

Second, stay loose. You may be tempted to cram your weekends full of hectic video arcades, all-day amusement parks, exhausting zoo trips, loud pizza palaces and on and on. But remember to leave room for just hanging out together, or give your children choices of what they’d like to do. Capitalize on shared interests, or hobbies you can do together, where you’re free to relate to one another instead of being entertained. Eventually, as you all get used to the arrangement, you’ll spend more time camping, beachcombing, bicycling, playing board games, doing hobbies, and watching TV together. The artificiality or the feeling that you’re having a “fathering appointment” will fade soon enough.

Next, set aside a place in your house that’s just for your child, whether it’s a room, a corner, or a bookshelf. She needs to feel a connection to you and your house; she needs a regular reminder of the special bond between you two.

Fourth, don’t force your values on your kids. By all means, talk about your beliefs and what’s important to you, but also realize that your kids may be getting a slightly different message from their mother. Unless they’re doing the kids harm, you’ll probably have to live with her ground rules. Don’t put down her system—it will create a lot of confusion for the children. This is especially important in the areas of entertainment, behavior, household rules, and traditions.

Finally, be flexible and cooperative with your children’s mother. If she needs to change the arrangements this month, don’t refuse just to spite her. You aren’t obligated to do everything she wants you to, but your kids will benefit from seeing the two of you cooperate.

And let me add this warning: The time may come when a child says, “I don’t want to go with you this time, Dad.” Your first thought might be, I’m losing my daughter, but you can’t listen to that voice. What’s really happening is that your child is changing, and that means the relationship is changing, too.

As a child grows, she acquires new interests, relationships, and commitments. Sometimes she’ll have other important things going on, and it’s time for a dad to be flexible and understanding. It does no good to force her to come with you or make her feel guilty about it. Instead, just keep lines of communication open. Tell her, “Sweetheart, it’s hard because it seems we get so little time as it is. But I can live with that. I want you to know that I need to stay connected with you. You’re my daughter and I love seeing you.” Then, stay as involved as you can through whatever means are available -- regular phone calls, e-mail, and letters. Maybe there will be other opportunities to spend time together.

The most important thing is that your child and her well-being is still a top priority. How you’re involved may change, but as a committed dad, you’ll find a way to make it work.

Single Dads and Expectations

Written by Ken Canfield
Date Posted: Wednesday, 28 March 2007

If you're a recently divorced dad, be prepared to see a side of your kids you've never seen before. Kids who have been through a divorce often act in certain ways. As a single dad, you need to know what to watch for—and how to respond.

Here are some common things to look for, from Ken Parker and Van Jones in their book, Every Other Weekend.

First, kids sometimes take advantage of two different sets of house rules. "Mom lets me do this at her house!" They may be telling the truth, or pulling a scam. The best thing you can do is to help them understand that you're going to stand behind your rules-and the values they represent. Express confidence that they can adjust when they're staying with you.

Second, your child may purposefully break your rules. Correct her in love, but also use the opportunity. She could be expressing anger. Or she maybe testing your love and limits. In either case, be firm but gentle. Don't respond in anger, instead talk with her about the way she's adjusting, what she's going through, and how you can help. Just listening may be all she really needs.

The third typical response is for a child to complain about someone at the other household-his mother or stepfather. You need to be very discerning here.

On the one hand, you're probably only hearing one side of the story. You could try calling his mother-not to make accusations, but simply to communicate what you've heard and gather facts. Often, getting the rest of the story will give you a better appreciation for her point of view, and you'll be able to back up her actions.

On the other hand, what if your child has a legitimate concern? That phone call to Mom could betray his trust, and could get him into trouble at home.

These situations illustrate the importance of communicating with your child. Does he need you to act on his behalf and look into the situation? Or does he simply need someone to talk to?

For all dads, regular healthy communication will build a trust level that's going to come in handy when stresses and crises come along. For divorced dads, you've got to work at it twice as hard in half the time. May God bless you.

Wisdom from Real Dads

Written by the dads @ fathers.com
Date Posted: Saturday, 28 April 2007


Do you want some expert fathering advice? Let’s turn to the real experts out there—the dads in the trenches.

We put out a question to dads on our weekly e-mail. It’s a question we also ask to men who are being considered for Father of the Year in several cities across the country. The question is, “What advice would you share with a young father?”

Those everyday dads sent in some very helpful insights—some wisdom that has made a difference or changed their lives as fathers. We can all be challenged and inspired by these.

Here’s what a father named Dave sent in. He says, “If you're going to make a mistake, err on the side of spending too much time at home rather than too much time at the office. You can never get back the time.”

And here’s Mark’s unique contribution—a lot of wives will appreciate this one: “My advice for fathers of young children is to change all of the ‘poopies’ that you can—both literally and figuratively. Your child learns at a very young age who in their life can be trusted with the less glamorous or difficult tasks, and will bond more closely with those who help them through the tough times.”

And here are some thoughts from a divorced dad. He didn’t leave his name, but here’s what he wrote:

I have a 16-year-old daughter. Her mother and I have been separated and divorced since she was about 7, but I have promised to make sure she always knows how important and loved she is.

On the day she was born, she took my breath away, and I have never gotten it back. We are incredibly close. I made it a point not to leave the area where she was growing up. I lost my dad when I was 10 years old, and was not going to have my daughter lose her dad for any reason.

I'm one of those dads who goes to every soccer game, track meet, concert, or anything where she showcases her talents. I go to parent-teacher conferences and try to stay in touch with them all through the year. We must be involved in all aspects of our children's lives. We are the caretakers of the future.

I talk to her about everything, and let her know where I stand on issues and why. I believe that if I want my daughter to find a better man than myself, then I must always strive to be a better man.

Children are a parent’s opportunity to help shape and create an opus, a ‘great work’ for the world to see. It’s an opportunity to present a productive and participating individual who gives glory to God.

If I were to advise a new father, I would remind him that our children are a gift of love from God, and that he wants us to be a part of his wondrous plan.

See, dad, you can reap the benefits of important life lessons that other dads have learned.

So, what are the best fathering lessons you’ve learned through the years? Other dads can benefit from your wisdom and experiences. Find a younger dad you can meet with and mentor—or send us your insights. Good fathering is contagious—and like this dad we heard from today, you can help us spread the good word.

Daddy's Dream

Written by the dads @ fathers.com

Date Posted: Saturday, 28 April 2007

A letter from a dad named Monty has touched on a rather challenging dilemma for the National Center for Fathering: how can we talk and write about healthy fathering when so many dads out there rarely even have the opportunity to be an effective father?

Monty is a twice-divorced dad who wrote this:

I appreciate your magazine because it fills a void prevalent in our society, the raising and training of fathers. But ... the anguish I feel in not being present for my children escalates when I read about ideal fathering. And well it is that you should continue writing. But chances are I’m one of many displaced fathers. Whether we’re cowards or not ... thoughts on ideal fathering do not help.

ImageWe know that not all dads can understand all the frustrations that divorced dads may go through—men who still strive to make the best out of an imperfect situation. Other dads can only imagine what it must be like to deal with custody, child support, or other conflicts that come with a divorce.

You may feel pain and regret; you may be angry and for good reason; you may feel like your insides are raw with stinging sadness. Maybe the best advice is to do all you can to turn negative energy into positive. Use your adrenaline from negative emotions to claim a firm resolve be the father your children need. Channel moments of regret into creative planning times for connecting positively with your children.

Don Mathis is a divorced dad who has done just that. In the midst of a bitter battle with his ex-wife, he has written this heartfelt poem, called “Daddy’s Dream”:

Though I’m not there to turn off the light,
To tuck you in and kiss you goodnight,
To read a book, or get you a drink,
It’s you I love, and of you I think.
If you were here, I’d give you a squeeze,
And ask if you could give me one please.
So to the day we’d say our good-byes.
As we lay down and close our eyes.

Dad, whatever your situation, hang in there. Your kids need you.

Making the Most of Long-Distance Fathering

Written by the dads @ fathers.com
Date Posted: Saturday, 28 April 2007

One summer, pitcher Terry Mulholland was selected as the starting pitcher for the National League in the All-Star Game. Mulholland planned to reject the invitation and pass up a chance to pitch in the summer classic. Why? Because Terry is also a father. He's a long-distance dad who saw the three-day break as a chance to catch up with his young son, Tyler. They'd planned a father-son fishing trip, and Terry was determined to keep his word. As it turned out, Mulholland's manager gave him another day off, so he was able to pitch in the game and then fly to Arizona to take Tyler fishing.

There are such men who are recognized for wanting to be successful in the eyes of their kids, despite the distance. But for many long-distance dads, life is anything but glorious. Sometimes it seems you receive nothing but contempt from society at large.

NO ACCESS!

The one obstacle all non-custodial fathers must hurdle is access: seeing your children at any time and participating in the daily happenings of their lives. For many single dads, there's nothing you wouldn't give to have free access to your children. You must look at the men out there who do live with their children-but aren't really involved in their lives—and just shake your head. The movie Mrs. Doubtfire helped to surface a lot of these complex, difficult emotions.

And your situation has only been made worse by the unfortunate legacy associated with single fathers. Those men who are irresponsible and inconsistent with their kids, who are bitter and unforgiving toward their ex-wives, and who deserve the term "Deadbeat Dad" have helped to create an atmosphere of distrust toward all single fathers. No matter how committed you may be to your children, you'd be wise to realize from the beginning that it's going to take time to earn back the trust that other men have squandered, whether you're dealing with judges, social workers, or ex-wives.

Divorce naturally brings distrust between a man and woman. But even though she's no longer your legal spouse, she's still your children's mother. Your kids' sense of confusion and insecurity will be minimized by a civil, cooperative relationship between their parents.

"3-LEGGED TABLES"

There's a simple plan for effective fathering which we call the I-CANs: Involvement, Consistency, Awareness, and Nurturance. Together they encompass everything that strong fathers do. For a divorced or long-distance dad, the problem of no access has placed you at a disadvantage. How can you possibly be highly involved in your kids' lives?

A four-legged table is sturdy-much more so than one with three legs or two. In the same way, the four I-CANs make for sturdy, confident fathering. But if your situation has taken you away from your kids, losing that one leg (Involvement) may cause your "table" to wobble or even collapse. That's no reason to give up; it's a call to work even harder to bolster the other three legs—Consistency, Awareness and Nurturance.

Work especially hard on consistency—be regular and predictable in your emotions, your schedule, and in keeping promises. Your consistency will be most apparent in communication, support payments, and being prompt and reliable during visitation. Maintain an awareness: get feedback as often as you can about your children. Talk to teachers and coaches, and keep track of each child's individual needs and concerns. Make sure you physically nurture them when you're with them, but also do it verbally as often as you can. Instead of being lavish with new toys or other gifts, shower them with displays and words of affection. Affirm them for who they are and for what they were created to be.

YOU CAN'T MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME

Maybe you're just beginning to realize the power and the rewards of being a good father. Maybe you feel you've let them down in the past. It happens to every dad, and it's natural to want to make it up to them somehow. That's a good instinct to have. Unfortunately, it's easy to channel that healthy resolve into wild extravaganzas with your kids to try to make things right.

So maybe you take them to baseball games and amusement parks, and load them down with pennants, stuffed animals, junk food and a lot of confusion. Kids love these activities, but such "blow-outs" are only one side of a huge pendulum swing. A month of not hearing from their father and then POW. It can really shake kids up.

All children need regular and predictable contact with their father (Consistency!). An encouraging phone call once a week is more beneficial to them than four trips to Disney World strewn throughout the year. And think of your child's mother: it's hard to bring a child back down to earth after a week with dad filled with amusement parks and Pizza Hut.

What do you want your child to remember about your relationship during these years? A roller coaster ride? A grand slam home run? Or, would you rather have him remember many times with you, and none of them really stick out in his mind because the events themselves weren't important. He simply cherished the chance to spend time getting to know his dad.

How would your kids define fatherhood? As a series of erratic, confusing phone calls? Broken promises? What Mom mutters about under her breath? They desperately need you to redefine fatherhood for them, because someday they may either become a dad or be married to one, and they'll think of the influential men in their lives. If you've done your best to stay involved in their lives, they'll think of you. And if you've been faithful and made the most of a tough situation, they'll have a wealth of memories which will bring confidence and strength as they grow up, marry and bring up their own children.

Five Goals for Live-Away Dads

Written by the dads @ fathers.com

Date Posted: Saturday, 28 April 2007

A peaceful divorce? Possibly. A pain-free divorce? That’s exceedingly rare. The adjustments for dad, mom and kids are major.

William Klatte has written an insightful book called Live-Away Dads. In it, he suggests five beneficial actions you can take: goals you can focus on when you don’t know what to do next.

First, keep your promises. Your kids are depending on you, and kept promises are an important way you can create stability during a time of uncertainty. Each broken promise, no matter how small, reduces their trust in you a little bit, and can really erode over time. So, think before you speak, and do everything you can to keep your word.

Second, show your kids that you’ll be okay. For them to feel confident and at peace, they have to see that you are. If it’s obvious that you’re devastated, they’ll be insecure. That doesn’t mean you never show weaknesses; honesty is critical. But show them in words and actions that you can make it through the tough times.

Also, support their mother. Impossible, you say? It’s a vital element of any healthy family—intact or otherwise. Recognize that cutting her down lowers you in the long run. Help them honor her as their mother. Work out disagreements in private.

Fourth, be the best parent you can be. That’s all you can control anyway. They need patience and understanding, fair limits, balance and consistency from you, so don’t try to counteract their mom’s parenting style. It brings more harm than good.

Finally, be involved for the long haul. It sounds obvious, but it’s amazing how many divorced dads get sidetracked by a new job, a different city, or a new relationship—maybe with a new family—and lose track of the sincere commitments they made to their children. Being a positive influence in your kids’ lives means being there when they need you, for small and big things.

Don’t let your motivation as a dad fall off through the years because of frustration or the tedium of routine. You are important to your kids even if they don’t always show it.

Single Parent Statistics

Single Parent Statistics
From Jennifer Wolf,


Who is the "Average" Single Parent?:
When you think of the phrase "single parent," what comes to mind? Do you picture someone like yourself? You might be surprised to know how much you have in common with the "average" single parent.

According to Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2003, released by the U.S. Census Bureau in July, 2006, there are approximately 14 million single parents in the United States today, and those parents are responsible for raising 21.6 million children.

So what's the "average" single parent really like? According to the U.S. Census Bureau...

She is a Mother:

• 83.1% of custodial parents are mothers
• 16.9% of custodial parents are fathers

She is Divorced or Separated:

Of the mothers who are custodial parents:

• 45.9% are currently divorced or separated
• 30.5% have never been married
• 21.8% are married (In most cases, these numbers represent women who have remarried.)
• 1.7% were widowed

Of the fathers who are custodial parents:

• 56.4% are divorced or separated
• 23.1% are currently married (In most cases, these numbers represent men who have remarried.)
• 19.7% have never married
• 0.8% were widowed

She is Employed:

• 80% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed
o 50.5% work full time, year round
o 29.6% work part-time or part-year
• 89.8% of custodial single fathers are gainfully employed
o 70.6% work full time, year round
o 19.2% work part-time or part-year

She and Her Children Do Not Live in Poverty:

• 26.1% of custodial single mothers and their children live in poverty
• 13.4% of custodial single fathers and their children live in poverty

She Does Not Receive Public Assistance:

• 30.3% of all single parents receive public assistance
• Only 8.4% of single parents receive TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families)

She is 40 Years Old or Older:

• 36.8% of custodial mothers are 40 years old or older

She is Raising One Child:

• 55.6% of custodial mothers are raising one child
• 44.4% have two or more children living with them

Single Mothers and the Politics of Language

Of Statistics, Single Mothers and the Politics of Language
by Trev Martin

Studies show that, overwhelmingly, children being raised in homes with both a mother and a father enjoy a lot of benefits than children from single parent homes do not.

Yes, there may be a higher level of financial security, less dislocation and a shared workload of maintaining the home and parenting where there are two parents in the home. Moreover, studies have shown that the presence and involvement of fathers in the nurturing and development of their children confers benefits which are irreplaceable by any substitute, whether the substitute is the state, a grandparent, a male friend or a step-parent.

I have not studied statistics, but I know that when a correlation exists between two conditions, that in itself does not prove a causal relationship. Unfortunately, there are many in the general public who wrongly draw conclusions from statistical studies which do not allege any causal relationship. So, I have sympathy for any single mother who encounters criticism or feels under criticism for her condition of being a single mom as a result of the publication of the study.

In discussing the Statistics Canada study of 23,000 children and it's conclusions about the effect on the portion of those children of being raised by single moms, there is an implied suggestion that to ask the question is wrong (are children of single mothers more likely to have 'problems'), when you don't like the results. I think there is enough sticking of heads in the sand in this country, by not collecting statistics on subjects some might deem politically incorrect. Information has the ability to clarify issues for us and provoke us to re-think our positions.

As an activist with the Fathers Rights Action Group, one of the issues to which I am addressed is moms who unreasonably deny their children access to their fathers, denying them that portion of the benefits of fatherhood which fathers can still confer, by remaining in an effective parenting role after the separation of mom and dad. On a personal level, I am equally addressed to the issue of fathers who neglect their parental obligations to their children both before and after separation. Both situations result in the children needlessly being deprived of a fathers love and care.

Around me, I see both sides of the issue. I have been unreasonably denied access to my children by their mother and this grieves my heart terribly. I know of many fathers in this situation, hence my efforts with the Group. But, I also know many single moms who struggle valiantly, against the odds, to give their children the best start on life that they can, while the fathers of those children are irresponsible, by failing to stay involved in their children's lives and by not continuing their parenting role.

There is a problem and it raises many questions. How can we support family life, so that the maximum number of children are brought up in a home with their father and mother? How can we educate society as to the extra dangers facing children brought up in single-parent homes? How can we better deal with access issues, after a separation, so that fathers can remain involved with their children? How can we educate (some) moms not to denigrate and negate the fathers' role in their children's life? How can we educate (some) fathers to take their fatherhood responsibilities more seriously?

Children in Single-Mom Households "at Risk"

Children in Single-Mom Households "at Risk"
What do we do about it?
by Trev Martin

Canadian Press recently published the results of a massive Statistics Canada study of 23,000 children across the country during an eight month period in 1994 and 1995. The central conclusion of the study is that children raised by single mothers face increased risks of emotional, behavioural, academic and social problems. (Statistics Canada)

One in six children in Canada live in single-parent families, 93% of these headed by single mothers. (Statistics Canada)

Social researchers have long known that growing up in poverty puts children at higher risk for problems such as hyperactivity, emotional distress or failing a grade at school. But, the agency found the incidence of such problems among children of well-off single mothers was generally higher than for children from poor two-parent familes. (Portia Priegert, Canadian Press)

Such statistics do not mean single mothers are worse parents, rather they suggest that single mothers have a tough job juggling their responsibilities at work and home and have fewer resources than traditional families. (Carolyne Gorlick, social policy professor at the University of Western Ontario)

And children may be more prone to problems because their parents have gone through painful divorces. (Robert Glossop, Vanier Institute of the Family, Ottawa)
The fact that children raised by single mothers are at increased risk is found over and over again. Acknowledging that fact is the first step to changing our legal framework and cultural attitudes toward parenting and raising children.

Once children are brought into the relationship between a man and a woman, there needs to be an increased importance and responsibility attached to maintaining the family structure for the benefit of the children. This may mean tax benefits, available counselling or a climate of compromise. Children who do not experience divorce reduce many risks facing them today.

This is not to suggest that a spouse remain in a relationship which is destructive to them or their children. There have always been and will always be necessary reasons for divorce, such as in situations where one partner is abusive to the other or to the children.

Somehow, we have to make the separation/divorce process less traumatic and confrontational, in the interests of the children. A court system which forces a winner take all outcome rather than encourages mediation and compromise does not produce justice. We all know that when parents emerge from separation/divorce able to work together in the best interests of the children, their risks are much lower than if the parents remain in unresolved conflict. They thus avoid experiencing unnecessarily painful divorce and are more likely to be able to maintain healthy relationships with both parents.

Child poverty as a result of divorce cannot be solved by social welfare programs or by increased transfers from non-custodial parents. This is not an argument against child maintenance payments, just a recognition of reality. Social welfare programs have not solved anything and are seen by many to encourage the problem. When you take a household with one income and split it into two households with the same income, the only possible result (except for the few cases of extremely high income) is two households in poverty. The answer must be to reduce the divorce rate and keep families together.

Another consideration is that the present regime is undermining the economic viability of second families and discouraging them from forming at all. Single parents and children who would benefit from the relational, parental and financial support of a "new" parent and spouse are being denied that possibility. This is not to suggest that the responsibilities of a parent towards his/her children of a previous relationship are not primary, but to suggest that we should not be so quick to assign long-term family maintenance obligations to the "new" parent when a new family is formed, where those children are the product of a previous relationship. Another answer, then, is to encourage "new" family formation.

Fathers are Essentials

Yes, Fathers Are Essential
by Carey Roberts

In the past several decades, the United States has achieved the dubious distinction of becoming the world leader in fatherless families. Currently, 34% of American children live without their biological father. When did this trend start, and what does it bode for our kids?

The rise of father-absence can be traced 50 years back. In 1965, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, then working in the Johnson administration, looked into the problems of under-class America. The Moynihan Report issued this solemn warning:

"From the wild Irish slums of the 19th century eastern seaboard, to the riot-torn suburbs of Los Angeles, there is one unmistakable lesson in American history: A community that allows a large number of young men to grow up in broken families, dominated by women, never acquiring any stable relationship to male authority, never acquiring any rational expectations about the future -- that community asks for and gets chaos."

The heralded Report offered Americans a unique opportunity to alter the trajectory of history, to thwart the impending plunge into the abyss.
But rather than heed the prescient warning, warm-hearted liberals denounced Moynihan's conclusion as "blaming the victim." And feminists reviled the report as promoting the "hetero-patriarchal" agenda.

But it wasn't enough to just ignore Moynihan's analysis.

Architects of the Great Society program went ahead and implemented eligibility requirements that cut off welfare benefits if the father resided with the mother - the so-called "man-in-the-house" rule. Now, low-income fathers found themselves pitted against government largesse to compete for the loyalty of poor mothers. A tragic mismatch, indeed.

As a result, the number of children who lived in fatherless homes mushroomed from 5.1 million in 1960 to 16.5 million in 1995. These policies were so devastating in their impact that involved, caring fathers all but disappeared from low-income, Black neighborhoods.

So while liberals comforted themselves with the knowledge that they had avoided "blaming the victim," millions of little boys and girls had to console themselves with the elusive hope that someday, society would stop shoving daddy out the back door.

Once poor fathers had been run out of their homes, the fem-liberals broadened their focus. They launched an attack on the whole notion of fatherhood itself (www.mensnewsdaily.com/archive/r/roberts/2004/roberts060904.htm).

Five years ago this month the American Psychological Association used the occasion of Father's Day to publish an article with the awful title, "Deconstructing the Essential Father" (www.sharedparenting.net/fact/silver99.pdf). The partisan article triggered a firestorm of protest, including a rebuke from 18 members of Congress (www.backlash.com/content/gender/1999/9-sep99/crob0999.html).

Despite what the American Psychological Association might say, most persons agree that dads are worth keeping around.

First, a father's breadwinning instinct keeps the family out of the clutches of poverty. Indeed, while father-present households saw an increase in income from 1960 to 1990, father-absent families saw a financial decline.

But fathers are more than income producers. Fathers undergird the very order and structure of the family.

Scores of research studies have documented the positive effects of involved fathers (www.fatherhood.org/fatherfacts.htm). Here's just a sampling of the benefits:

• The National Center for Educational Statistics reported that when fathers are involved in their children's education, the kids were more likely to get As, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities.
• Kyle Pruett concluded that kids with engaged fathers demonstrate "a greater ability to take initiative and evidence self-control."
• When these boys grew up, they were more likely to be good dads themselves.

But when fathers are disenfranchised by misguided government programs, here's the result:

• Their children have a higher rate of asthma, headaches, anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
• Teenagers are at greater risk of alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drug use, and suicide
• Adolescent girls are 3 times more likely to engage in sexual relations by the time they turn 15, and 5 times more likely to become a teen mother.

Amazing, isn't it?

Thank you, dad, for being there. You were more than essential. You were a beacon of truthfulness, common sense, kindness, and silent courage.


Copyright © 2004 FatherMag.com. All rights reserved.
FatherMag.com authors retain their right to republish elsewhere.