Separating from your partner is a hugely traumatic experience not just for you, but also for your children. For adults it can be bewildering and terrifying, but put yourself in the position of your children: They’ve been used to having two parents around, and suddenly that security they’ve known is being ripped away. One of their parents, which in most cases means you, the father, will no longer be around every day. Their world is going to be shattered. So how do you explain it all to them?
Preparation
If possible, you and your partner should sit down together and decide what to tell your children. Don’t argue in front of the kids – the less poisonous the atmosphere, the better for everyone.
Children are smarter than many believe. They’ll have a sense that things aren’t right, even if they don’t understand exactly what’s happening. You should strenuously avoid saying negative things about your partner in front of the children (this applies all the time, not simply during the separation process).
If at all possible, sit down with the children and explain things a little while before you move out. Give them time to adjust to the idea rather than presenting them with something as it occurs.
The Most Important Points
It’s impossible to stress it enough, but make sure that you tell the children that the separation isn’t their fault. It’s common for children to feel responsible when their parents split up, so emphasise often that the reasons have nothing to do with them. When explaining the situation to your kids, the two of you should do it with respect for each other. Accusations and shouting will only upset your children even more.
As part of that, reiterate often that both you and their mother love them, and want the best for them. Encourage their questions, and give the most honest answers that you can (at the time it’s often not possible to know exactly what you’re feeling).
It might not be possible, but the best scenario is if you and your partner can sit down together with the children and explain the situation to them. With young children, going into any kind of detail is pointless, as they won’t understand. Older children will almost certainly have friends with separated or divorced parents, so explain the circumstances to them.
If living conditions are going to change for your kids, tell them. They might be moving to a new house or a new school. Tell them as far ahead of time as possible. This will be a stressful time for them, and they’ll need the support of both parents even if you’re not together. Make sure you’re available to them, in person, on the phone and by e-mail, when they need you.
The Problems
Of course, with some splits the parents find it impossible to sit down together for an explanation to the children. When that happens, sit down alone with your kids, tell them you and your partner are separating and that you have to move out. However, make sure you tell them where you’ll be, and explain to them the ways they can get hold of you (phone, e-mail), and that you will see them regularly and always be available to them.
Take care, too, not to bad mouth your partner, however you feel. It serves no purpose, and forces your children to take sides, one parent against the other, making them pawns in a game which leaves them in a very uncomfortable position.
Remember throughout that both you and your partner want the best for your children. Whatever your situation, keep that uppermost in your mind.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Things To Do With Your Kids
There's a bleak old image of a divorced father treating his kids to a film on a grey afternoon before shepherding them to a burger bar for a treat before taking them back to their mother and heading home alone in the rain to a poky flat.
But, as they say, that was then, and this is now. Life has moved on, the courts offer separated fathers better contact with their children in almost every case, and there are plenty more options for fathers.
Home Life
Much of the time you simply want to spend time with your children in a relaxed atmosphere, and nothing beats home for that. It might not be the home they knew, but take them to your place, whether it's a flat or a house. Give them a chance to feel comfortable there, to become used to your surroundings.
If you can, have things there they'll enjoy, like a game console, maybe even one they don't already own. Encourage them to treat the place like their own. It's much easier to talk in surroundings like these. If the place is big enough and you can have them overnight, let them stay, with a room to call their own, and remind them that they now have two homes, not just one, that they're always welcome - and mean it. Let them decorate the room and truly make it feel like theirs.
You can make evenings seem special and fun with a pizza and DVD night, as long as you allow them to choose the movie. Even if it's one you don't really want to watch, sit through it anyway, share the time fully with them.
Outings
Remember, the time together isn't just for you, it's for your kids, too. You want them to have fun, not feel it's a duty. So don't spend all your time at home. Do things, but make them special if you can (although going to a movie can also be a good time).
In the summer, pack a picnic and head out into the country. Take a hike, get some exercise, enjoy the views. You'll all feel better for the exercise and fresh air, and they may even develop a taste for walking and nature. There are almost certainly places to go within easy reach of where you live, or go farther afield, perhaps somewhere the kids have never gone before.
If there's an event they really want to attend, buy tickets and go with them (or, if they're older, drop them off and pick them up). It can be a show or a concert, or almost anything. You could even try something different, such as a trip to a museum or a theatre.
Holidays
Depending on relationships, you might be able to negotiate with your ex to have the children for a week or two during school holidays. Take them away with you. It doesn't have to be four-star fancy, just somewhere fun and different, whether within the UK or abroad (however, if you're taking them overseas, check to see what you'll need. Apart from passports for everyone, it might also involve a letter of permission from your ex).
A holiday together can be a magical time. You might not feel relaxed at the end of it if you've had to take charge of them for an extended period, but you'll still feel good from the time spent together.
But, as they say, that was then, and this is now. Life has moved on, the courts offer separated fathers better contact with their children in almost every case, and there are plenty more options for fathers.
Home Life
Much of the time you simply want to spend time with your children in a relaxed atmosphere, and nothing beats home for that. It might not be the home they knew, but take them to your place, whether it's a flat or a house. Give them a chance to feel comfortable there, to become used to your surroundings.
If you can, have things there they'll enjoy, like a game console, maybe even one they don't already own. Encourage them to treat the place like their own. It's much easier to talk in surroundings like these. If the place is big enough and you can have them overnight, let them stay, with a room to call their own, and remind them that they now have two homes, not just one, that they're always welcome - and mean it. Let them decorate the room and truly make it feel like theirs.
You can make evenings seem special and fun with a pizza and DVD night, as long as you allow them to choose the movie. Even if it's one you don't really want to watch, sit through it anyway, share the time fully with them.
Outings
Remember, the time together isn't just for you, it's for your kids, too. You want them to have fun, not feel it's a duty. So don't spend all your time at home. Do things, but make them special if you can (although going to a movie can also be a good time).
In the summer, pack a picnic and head out into the country. Take a hike, get some exercise, enjoy the views. You'll all feel better for the exercise and fresh air, and they may even develop a taste for walking and nature. There are almost certainly places to go within easy reach of where you live, or go farther afield, perhaps somewhere the kids have never gone before.
If there's an event they really want to attend, buy tickets and go with them (or, if they're older, drop them off and pick them up). It can be a show or a concert, or almost anything. You could even try something different, such as a trip to a museum or a theatre.
Holidays
Depending on relationships, you might be able to negotiate with your ex to have the children for a week or two during school holidays. Take them away with you. It doesn't have to be four-star fancy, just somewhere fun and different, whether within the UK or abroad (however, if you're taking them overseas, check to see what you'll need. Apart from passports for everyone, it might also involve a letter of permission from your ex).
A holiday together can be a magical time. You might not feel relaxed at the end of it if you've had to take charge of them for an extended period, but you'll still feel good from the time spent together.
When Your Ex Gets a New Partner
It can be hard enough to maintain a good relationship with your children if there's just a limited amount of time you can spend with them. It never feels like enough, and you worry that there might be a distance growing between you.
That feeling can worsen if your ex gets a serious, long-term partner. The natural feeling is that the new man in her life might end up closer to your children than you are.
The Feelings
How do you cope with the emotions and fear - because that's exactly what it is - that your children might end up calling another man dad? When your first learn that your former partner has someone serious it's at its worst, because you really don't know what the future might hold.
A lot depends on the bond you have with your children. If it's strong and secure you really have no need to worry. In their minds you will always be your father, even if someone else sees a lot more of them than you. Of course, it can be hard to remember and hold on to that, and the only thing that can make you feel better is time.
The problem can be if your relationship with your children is tenuous. The trick is not to feel it's a competition between you and your ex's new man. Remember, he needs to get to know the children and form his own relationship with them, which will take time. Ultimately, however much he's around, there's no way he can replace you. Simply be yourself with the kids and try to improve your own relationship with them.
What You Can Do
It's never an easy situation, and even if you're very secure with your children, you're bound to wonder from time to time, especially if the kids take to their mother's new man (and realistically, you should hope that they do, since it truly makes life easier for everyone).
Don't shy away from asking about things they do with him - although, in most cases, children tend to be garrulous, so they'll probably tell you anyway. Try not to show any jealousy, even if it's inside. Your kids don't need to know that there's a turmoil inside your head and heart. Try not to feel to threatened, since, in all likelihood, there's no reason.
Spend as much time as you can with your kids, and take advantage of all the time you're legally allowed. Do things they enjoy, and make sure you take part!
The Problems
If you don't have a good relationship with your ex, things can be a problem. All you can hope is that she doesn't try and turn the kids against you, and tries to put her new man into your place.
In that case, all you can do is be yourself and be loving with your children. Fighting fire with fire and saying bad things about your ex and her new partner is very counter-productive. It simply confuses the children and leaves them feeling very insecure. Enjoy your time with them and simply be you.
That feeling can worsen if your ex gets a serious, long-term partner. The natural feeling is that the new man in her life might end up closer to your children than you are.
The Feelings
How do you cope with the emotions and fear - because that's exactly what it is - that your children might end up calling another man dad? When your first learn that your former partner has someone serious it's at its worst, because you really don't know what the future might hold.
A lot depends on the bond you have with your children. If it's strong and secure you really have no need to worry. In their minds you will always be your father, even if someone else sees a lot more of them than you. Of course, it can be hard to remember and hold on to that, and the only thing that can make you feel better is time.
The problem can be if your relationship with your children is tenuous. The trick is not to feel it's a competition between you and your ex's new man. Remember, he needs to get to know the children and form his own relationship with them, which will take time. Ultimately, however much he's around, there's no way he can replace you. Simply be yourself with the kids and try to improve your own relationship with them.
What You Can Do
It's never an easy situation, and even if you're very secure with your children, you're bound to wonder from time to time, especially if the kids take to their mother's new man (and realistically, you should hope that they do, since it truly makes life easier for everyone).
Don't shy away from asking about things they do with him - although, in most cases, children tend to be garrulous, so they'll probably tell you anyway. Try not to show any jealousy, even if it's inside. Your kids don't need to know that there's a turmoil inside your head and heart. Try not to feel to threatened, since, in all likelihood, there's no reason.
Spend as much time as you can with your kids, and take advantage of all the time you're legally allowed. Do things they enjoy, and make sure you take part!
The Problems
If you don't have a good relationship with your ex, things can be a problem. All you can hope is that she doesn't try and turn the kids against you, and tries to put her new man into your place.
In that case, all you can do is be yourself and be loving with your children. Fighting fire with fire and saying bad things about your ex and her new partner is very counter-productive. It simply confuses the children and leaves them feeling very insecure. Enjoy your time with them and simply be you.
Paternal Grandparent's Rights
Grandparents are a huge asset to any family. Not only do they have a lot of love to give to their grandchildren, but these days they’re often called on as carers while the parents are at work. They play a vital role in the family.
More than that, when they’re carers (and even when they’re not) they develop very close bonds with their grandchildren, who sometimes spend more time with them than with their own parents. Estimates are that around 60% of all childcare in the UK is provided by grandparents, a truly staggering figure.
But when a couple divorce, what rights do the paternal grandparents have to see their grandchildren?
The Law
The sad but true fact is that only people with parental rights – which usually just means the mother and father named on the child’s birth certificate – have automatic access to the child. However, that doesn’t indicate that all legal doors are closed to grandparents. Where children are over the age of 10, their views are also taken into account when deciding access, although this is tempered with statements from the parents.
For those children below that age, the court tries to assess what’s in the best interests of the child when it comes to access. So it’s possible that paternal grandparents could have access (all this assumes the children reside with their mother). Realistically, though, it’s rare for paternal grandparents to be given access.
In Scotland there have been more moves towards grandparent access, a recognition of the role grandparents take in the raising of a child.
What Can You Do?
In truth, grandparents don’t have a legal leg to stand on. If your former daughter-in-law wants to deny you access to your own grandchildren, she can, and perfectly legally. You can try approaching her directly and negotiating access, or through mediation, but there’s no guarantee it would work.
There is also the alternative of taking the matter to court. Be warned, though, that it can be expensive, and in the vast majority of cases, you’ll find it to be unsuccessful. Additionally, there are a number of obstacles to be overcome first.
Quite ridiculously, the grandparents first have to apply to court for permission to even apply for a contact order. If it sounds convoluted, that’s because it is. But even if permission is granted, and the matter does go to court, the grandparents still have to prove that prior to the split they had an important, meaningful relationship with their grandchildren, and that it’s in the interests of the children that it continues. In other words, the onus is on the grandparents to prove their case, since there’s no presumed contact between grandparents and grandchildren. Additionally, parents can object, raising yet another hurdle.
Even in the few cases that grandparents win, that’s still no guarantee of success. The mother can simply ignore the order for access from the court, leaving the grandparents with another lengthy and expensive legal action to have it enforced.
It’s heartbreaking, not just for the grandparents, but also the children, who may well have depended on them for so long and built their lives about them. Even in the best break up, everyone suffers. When there’s rancour and bitterness involved, that’s doubled, and the ones who suffer most are the most powerless legally.
More than that, when they’re carers (and even when they’re not) they develop very close bonds with their grandchildren, who sometimes spend more time with them than with their own parents. Estimates are that around 60% of all childcare in the UK is provided by grandparents, a truly staggering figure.
But when a couple divorce, what rights do the paternal grandparents have to see their grandchildren?
The Law
The sad but true fact is that only people with parental rights – which usually just means the mother and father named on the child’s birth certificate – have automatic access to the child. However, that doesn’t indicate that all legal doors are closed to grandparents. Where children are over the age of 10, their views are also taken into account when deciding access, although this is tempered with statements from the parents.
For those children below that age, the court tries to assess what’s in the best interests of the child when it comes to access. So it’s possible that paternal grandparents could have access (all this assumes the children reside with their mother). Realistically, though, it’s rare for paternal grandparents to be given access.
In Scotland there have been more moves towards grandparent access, a recognition of the role grandparents take in the raising of a child.
What Can You Do?
In truth, grandparents don’t have a legal leg to stand on. If your former daughter-in-law wants to deny you access to your own grandchildren, she can, and perfectly legally. You can try approaching her directly and negotiating access, or through mediation, but there’s no guarantee it would work.
There is also the alternative of taking the matter to court. Be warned, though, that it can be expensive, and in the vast majority of cases, you’ll find it to be unsuccessful. Additionally, there are a number of obstacles to be overcome first.
Quite ridiculously, the grandparents first have to apply to court for permission to even apply for a contact order. If it sounds convoluted, that’s because it is. But even if permission is granted, and the matter does go to court, the grandparents still have to prove that prior to the split they had an important, meaningful relationship with their grandchildren, and that it’s in the interests of the children that it continues. In other words, the onus is on the grandparents to prove their case, since there’s no presumed contact between grandparents and grandchildren. Additionally, parents can object, raising yet another hurdle.
Even in the few cases that grandparents win, that’s still no guarantee of success. The mother can simply ignore the order for access from the court, leaving the grandparents with another lengthy and expensive legal action to have it enforced.
It’s heartbreaking, not just for the grandparents, but also the children, who may well have depended on them for so long and built their lives about them. Even in the best break up, everyone suffers. When there’s rancour and bitterness involved, that’s doubled, and the ones who suffer most are the most powerless legally.
Dealing with the Challenges of Parenting Teenagers
When you're a teenager, you have a tough time but when you're the parent of a teenager it seems so much worse. Having children who are big enough to take care of themselves may sound great until you consider the tantrums, the back talk and a million and one other things associated with teenagers. So what exactly can a parent do?
The first thing that parents of teenagers need to remember is: hormones, the struggle for independence and autonomy, couple with peer pressure and coupled with the fear of the future and their own inadequacies can send a teenager into a situation where they exhibit a behavior that is seemingly antisocial. The emotions of teenagers are subject to volatility and this volatility is usually expressed when they find people who they can easily vent to. The main thing is that parents should understand what their teenagers are going through but you shouldn't just allow them get away with everything.
One way that a parent can help their teenagers cope with the road to adulthood is by getting to know them. Experts tend to agree that taking the time out to be a companion to your teenagers and knowing them for who they are can easily foster a relationship of love and respect that can last for a number of years. Teens may not really like it when their parents intrude on their privacy but they like it when their parents show an interest in what is important to them at this particular stage of their life and development.
You should monitor the activities of your children and their friends at a distance. You should look out for any danger signs that may signify trouble such as a drop in grades, weight change, and terrible changes in sleeping patterns, depression or isolation. These things may all be strong signs of depression, drug use or disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.
When it comes to discipline, the teenage years can be fraught with power struggles between teenagers and the adults who rule the home. This is especially difficult especially when these teenagers think they're adults already. It is also important to encourage your teenagers to strive for a greater sense of emotional and physical independence but they should also understand that wayward behavior comes with consequences. You should stand strong with your teenagers in order to make their growing children understand who is in charge for the moment. A time will come for them to be on their own and make their own decisions but it isn't just the time yet.
These are just a few suggestions that could help you build a better parent and child relationship with your teenager during times that are rough and difficult to handle.
Remain Calm
Regardless of whether you're enforcing discipline or you're talking about a touchy subject, you should make sure that you use a neutral tone to tell your child who is charge. Calmness is also contagious too.
Focus On Your Child
Children and most especially teenagers need to know and understand that you're really listening to their own point of view and that you care about how they think and how they feel. You should focus on their interests even if they don't particularly interest you, listen and give praise when you feel they deserve it.
Be Straightforward with Your Expectations
Teens don't tend to respond well to any hints or suggestions. If you want your teenager to take out the garbage, you should tell them so directly.
Show Teenagers Respect
Remember to say please and thank you. When you speak kindly your children are bound to do the same too.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
The first thing that parents of teenagers need to remember is: hormones, the struggle for independence and autonomy, couple with peer pressure and coupled with the fear of the future and their own inadequacies can send a teenager into a situation where they exhibit a behavior that is seemingly antisocial. The emotions of teenagers are subject to volatility and this volatility is usually expressed when they find people who they can easily vent to. The main thing is that parents should understand what their teenagers are going through but you shouldn't just allow them get away with everything.
One way that a parent can help their teenagers cope with the road to adulthood is by getting to know them. Experts tend to agree that taking the time out to be a companion to your teenagers and knowing them for who they are can easily foster a relationship of love and respect that can last for a number of years. Teens may not really like it when their parents intrude on their privacy but they like it when their parents show an interest in what is important to them at this particular stage of their life and development.
You should monitor the activities of your children and their friends at a distance. You should look out for any danger signs that may signify trouble such as a drop in grades, weight change, and terrible changes in sleeping patterns, depression or isolation. These things may all be strong signs of depression, drug use or disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.
When it comes to discipline, the teenage years can be fraught with power struggles between teenagers and the adults who rule the home. This is especially difficult especially when these teenagers think they're adults already. It is also important to encourage your teenagers to strive for a greater sense of emotional and physical independence but they should also understand that wayward behavior comes with consequences. You should stand strong with your teenagers in order to make their growing children understand who is in charge for the moment. A time will come for them to be on their own and make their own decisions but it isn't just the time yet.
These are just a few suggestions that could help you build a better parent and child relationship with your teenager during times that are rough and difficult to handle.
Remain Calm
Regardless of whether you're enforcing discipline or you're talking about a touchy subject, you should make sure that you use a neutral tone to tell your child who is charge. Calmness is also contagious too.
Focus On Your Child
Children and most especially teenagers need to know and understand that you're really listening to their own point of view and that you care about how they think and how they feel. You should focus on their interests even if they don't particularly interest you, listen and give praise when you feel they deserve it.
Be Straightforward with Your Expectations
Teens don't tend to respond well to any hints or suggestions. If you want your teenager to take out the garbage, you should tell them so directly.
Show Teenagers Respect
Remember to say please and thank you. When you speak kindly your children are bound to do the same too.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Friday, September 19, 2008
A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a Partner
When a single father becomes in charge of his children, he does not get a book telling him what to expect at any point during each child's development. Mothers are apt to be more familiar with the developmental stages of children. Still, single fathers need to realize that knowing about the stages of child development does not always guarantee a readiness to deal with those stages.
Single fathers want to proceed with child rearing in a manner that exudes calm and wisdom. That of course is not always possible. A single father can not easily remain calm when his child is throwing breakable items in a grocery store. A single father does not suddenly get the Wisdom of Solomon the moment that his son or daughter decides to tell a friend that there is no Santa Clause and no tooth fairy either.
Gregory Keer, a single father and writer has struggled to stay calm and to find wisdom during the above-mentioned crises. He has advised single fathers against putting too much emphasis on the importance of such qualities. After all, a child's greatest need is love.
A child needs to feel wanted. A child needs to feel cared for. A child needs to feel loved for being the type of person that he or she is. The single father must make clear to each child that he loves that child. The single father should display the manner in which each child fills a special place in the father's life.
A display of love does not require the giving of countless gifts. A display of love involves the giving of kisses, hugs and cuddles. Single fathers need to understand what experts have learned about such displays of love.
One study group chose to focus on a group of 379 kindergarten children. The study group followed those children for 36 years. The study group examined the influence of many different factors, factors that contribute to adult social adjustment. The group found that displays of love, more than any other factor, aided the development of adult social skills.
When children receive love from their parents, they grow up to be loving parents. They know how to show love to a spouse. They do not shy away from developing close friendships. They derive pleasure from both their home life and from activities in which they take part outside of the home.
While a single father faces can not expect much luck with finding a book that offers the dos and don'ts for a man such as himself, a single father can find some advice by reading magazines that target teenagers. One issue of Teen Magazine had an article on "Alternative Families."
One teenager wrote about her father. This is what she said: "I have a bedroom at my dad's but I stay at my mom's more—it's closer to everything. Some people see their dads only on weekends. I see mine every day. He drives me to school each morning. He comes to my drill team performances. Although he doesn't live with me, he's there for me."
At the close of this essay by the teenager, one reads more about the importance of love. The young girl writes this: "Everybody in my family is there for each other; we just don't live in the same house. I feel they are the people who love me and care about me, and we can always turn to each other."
A display of love to children guarantees a show of love from children. A single father can enjoy such love.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Single fathers want to proceed with child rearing in a manner that exudes calm and wisdom. That of course is not always possible. A single father can not easily remain calm when his child is throwing breakable items in a grocery store. A single father does not suddenly get the Wisdom of Solomon the moment that his son or daughter decides to tell a friend that there is no Santa Clause and no tooth fairy either.
Gregory Keer, a single father and writer has struggled to stay calm and to find wisdom during the above-mentioned crises. He has advised single fathers against putting too much emphasis on the importance of such qualities. After all, a child's greatest need is love.
A child needs to feel wanted. A child needs to feel cared for. A child needs to feel loved for being the type of person that he or she is. The single father must make clear to each child that he loves that child. The single father should display the manner in which each child fills a special place in the father's life.
A display of love does not require the giving of countless gifts. A display of love involves the giving of kisses, hugs and cuddles. Single fathers need to understand what experts have learned about such displays of love.
One study group chose to focus on a group of 379 kindergarten children. The study group followed those children for 36 years. The study group examined the influence of many different factors, factors that contribute to adult social adjustment. The group found that displays of love, more than any other factor, aided the development of adult social skills.
When children receive love from their parents, they grow up to be loving parents. They know how to show love to a spouse. They do not shy away from developing close friendships. They derive pleasure from both their home life and from activities in which they take part outside of the home.
While a single father faces can not expect much luck with finding a book that offers the dos and don'ts for a man such as himself, a single father can find some advice by reading magazines that target teenagers. One issue of Teen Magazine had an article on "Alternative Families."
One teenager wrote about her father. This is what she said: "I have a bedroom at my dad's but I stay at my mom's more—it's closer to everything. Some people see their dads only on weekends. I see mine every day. He drives me to school each morning. He comes to my drill team performances. Although he doesn't live with me, he's there for me."
At the close of this essay by the teenager, one reads more about the importance of love. The young girl writes this: "Everybody in my family is there for each other; we just don't live in the same house. I feel they are the people who love me and care about me, and we can always turn to each other."
A display of love to children guarantees a show of love from children. A single father can enjoy such love.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
What Sort of Parent Are You?
Your style of parenting can really and truly affect the type of adult that your child ends up becoming. If you handle a child too strictly, they will end up being too complaint and submissive and have little self-esteem too. They will play the victim through their entire lives. If you're too permissive and allow a child to get away with everything you may hamper the ability of your child to accept authority figures and understand that people have consequences for acting one particular way or the other. Children who act out when they don't get their own way may become more aggressive later on in life when they become adults.
Children who are brought up in a democratic setting tend to accept their personal responsibility because they are allowed to make certain decisions on their own and accept the consequences of their actions but they are also expected to behave respectfully too. Democratic parenting gives choices that are based on the abilities of a child but they do not affect the parents' right to intervene when a child makes a bad decision.
This is a review of the three main styles of parenting:
Authoritative Parenting.
This sort of parent will inform their children when they want things done and these children are meant to comply without questions. Children are not allowed to have independent minds under such authority and should comply without questioning whatever they are told.
Permissive Parenting.
This sort of parenting allows children to get away with anything that they come up with. Children of permissive parents are usually allowed to run about freely with little direction and no consequences to their actions at all. Such children tend to think that the entire world revolves around what they want and what they need.
Democratic Parenting.
Democratic parenting tends to accommodate the best parts of the styles above in order to create a parenting style that is well-rounded and acceptable. Democratic parents tend to require good behavior but they acknowledge that their children tend to have their likes as well as dislikes and views about the world at large. They allow these children to voice an opinion as long as they do it properly. These children tend to maintain the upper hand with any decision making.
Children who are brought up with such methods are usually solid thinkers who tend to take control of their own lives without falling victim to spouses or employers who are overtly aggressive. They are also perfectly willing to take any responsibilities for their actions whether these are good or bad consequences.
Your style of parenting can have a drastic effect on the way that children see themselves as well as their place in the world and the future as well. You should take the time out to understand the temperament that you child has and yours before you choose a style or a mixture of styles that will work best for you and your children's education. In the end they will be all the better for it.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Children who are brought up in a democratic setting tend to accept their personal responsibility because they are allowed to make certain decisions on their own and accept the consequences of their actions but they are also expected to behave respectfully too. Democratic parenting gives choices that are based on the abilities of a child but they do not affect the parents' right to intervene when a child makes a bad decision.
This is a review of the three main styles of parenting:
Authoritative Parenting.
This sort of parent will inform their children when they want things done and these children are meant to comply without questions. Children are not allowed to have independent minds under such authority and should comply without questioning whatever they are told.
Permissive Parenting.
This sort of parenting allows children to get away with anything that they come up with. Children of permissive parents are usually allowed to run about freely with little direction and no consequences to their actions at all. Such children tend to think that the entire world revolves around what they want and what they need.
Democratic Parenting.
Democratic parenting tends to accommodate the best parts of the styles above in order to create a parenting style that is well-rounded and acceptable. Democratic parents tend to require good behavior but they acknowledge that their children tend to have their likes as well as dislikes and views about the world at large. They allow these children to voice an opinion as long as they do it properly. These children tend to maintain the upper hand with any decision making.
Children who are brought up with such methods are usually solid thinkers who tend to take control of their own lives without falling victim to spouses or employers who are overtly aggressive. They are also perfectly willing to take any responsibilities for their actions whether these are good or bad consequences.
Your style of parenting can have a drastic effect on the way that children see themselves as well as their place in the world and the future as well. You should take the time out to understand the temperament that you child has and yours before you choose a style or a mixture of styles that will work best for you and your children's education. In the end they will be all the better for it.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Coping with being a Single Parent after a Divorce
You knew how to parent your children when you were a couple but how do you handle the stress in the middle of a divorce. You should come up with new rules for your little children. You should reestablish the priorities of your family and ease up on the discipline until your children have gotten through the stress of your family breaking up.
Whether you're the parent who one custody or the parent who didn't get custody and is feeling guilty and knows what their children need and is unable to offer it to them, your job as a parent may look much harder after a separation than it is in the beginning. Your life has changed and the way you parent will as well.
Divorced parents tend to ease up on the discipline during difficult times and believe that this strategy helps their children cope better with the situation. Some experts agree that you should ease up on the discipline but not entirely. Undue leniency during the period of a divorce may easily lead to a situation where a child develops unwanted behaviors. Divorce tends to be hard on children and can easily lead to hurt, fear and instability. The best way of getting your children through these changes is to try and remain as predictable as you can in regards to your expectation, discipline and punishment.
So many things can change in your lives during the period of a divorce but they need to understand that the rules and consequences for these rules remain the same.
If your parenting styles before the divorce were a part of your marital conflict then you may be ready to adopt a new style. When change is at hand you should be as clear and as firm as possible regarding the new rules when these children are with you. Remember that you have to be fair, understanding, patient and gentle. It should take sometime for your children to get used to your own style of parenting. When you are firm it means an entirely new style of parenting and not that you have to overbearing.
These are a few tips that can easily get you through the beginning stages of your life when you are a divorced parent.
Consistency and Dependability
Your kids need to know what you expect and what to expect if they stray from the right paths. Your children depend on you to make them safe. You should take the opportunity to assure them that they are your utmost priority.
Learn to Forgive
It's hard for you to forget how you got to the stage of getting a divorce but you should find a way to forgive your spouse for any role that they played in your divorce. Never speak ill about your ex where your children are.
Stay Honest With Your Children
When you are disappointed that your life is taking a new direction share your grief a little but make sure that your children understand that everything will work out great. You should make them a part of everything from choosing your new home to making changes to your existing one in order to reduce the emptiness that you feel with the departure of your spouse.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Whether you're the parent who one custody or the parent who didn't get custody and is feeling guilty and knows what their children need and is unable to offer it to them, your job as a parent may look much harder after a separation than it is in the beginning. Your life has changed and the way you parent will as well.
Divorced parents tend to ease up on the discipline during difficult times and believe that this strategy helps their children cope better with the situation. Some experts agree that you should ease up on the discipline but not entirely. Undue leniency during the period of a divorce may easily lead to a situation where a child develops unwanted behaviors. Divorce tends to be hard on children and can easily lead to hurt, fear and instability. The best way of getting your children through these changes is to try and remain as predictable as you can in regards to your expectation, discipline and punishment.
So many things can change in your lives during the period of a divorce but they need to understand that the rules and consequences for these rules remain the same.
If your parenting styles before the divorce were a part of your marital conflict then you may be ready to adopt a new style. When change is at hand you should be as clear and as firm as possible regarding the new rules when these children are with you. Remember that you have to be fair, understanding, patient and gentle. It should take sometime for your children to get used to your own style of parenting. When you are firm it means an entirely new style of parenting and not that you have to overbearing.
These are a few tips that can easily get you through the beginning stages of your life when you are a divorced parent.
Consistency and Dependability
Your kids need to know what you expect and what to expect if they stray from the right paths. Your children depend on you to make them safe. You should take the opportunity to assure them that they are your utmost priority.
Learn to Forgive
It's hard for you to forget how you got to the stage of getting a divorce but you should find a way to forgive your spouse for any role that they played in your divorce. Never speak ill about your ex where your children are.
Stay Honest With Your Children
When you are disappointed that your life is taking a new direction share your grief a little but make sure that your children understand that everything will work out great. You should make them a part of everything from choosing your new home to making changes to your existing one in order to reduce the emptiness that you feel with the departure of your spouse.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Parenting Strategies for Single Parents
Single parenting comes with is own fair share of struggles and challenges. It also tends to come with its own rewards as well. If you're the only one available to make decisions for your child it may seem very overwhelming at certain times especially when it concerns discipline. On the other hand it tends to create an unbreakable bond between children and their parents.
If you're looking for better ways to cope with your single parent situation, try to remember these very important tips.
Stop Being too Hard on Yourself – No one is Mr. Perfect and you can't do it all on your own. Learn how to be kind to yourself and be understanding. You should also learn how to make mistakes and learn from these mistakes as well.
Take Care of Yourself – Make sure you see a doctor on a regular basis and get the required sleep that you need. Make sure you also eat meals that are healthy and properly balanced. You should get as much rest as you can and take activities that are important in order to relieve your stress. Your children can't be properly taken care of until you feel absolutely well yourself.
Look For Help When You Need It – Whether the help you need comes from your family or whether it comes from your friends, you should know that it is something that everyone needs. Single parents need to overcome the need to do everything on their own. If you feel overwhelmed and tired you can simply ask another mom whom you know to take your children out for a while so you can rest. You should also offer to reciprocate whenever they need a break. If you have no idea how to handle smart mouthed teen, you should take some time out to ask necessary questions.
Be the Best But Don't Expect Perfection – No perfect dual families exist. If two people can't do it successful it won't be that easy on your own. Nobody is perfect and not everyone can be a perfect model parent. Learn to accept the limitations that you have as well as your imperfections and handle them.
Get a Routine - Children require flexibility and a routine in order to feel safe. One way that you can provide these feelings that they need is by setting up a routine or a schedule. You should do simple things like reading before you go to sleep or taking walks in the park on a Sunday afternoon, always give your children something that they can rely on and look forward to.
Slow Down – Life is hectic and it is important for you to sit down and think of what is important for you and your children and put everything else on the shelf. Make sure that you have some quiet time that all of you can enjoy together. Whether this is about reading together, watching sitcoms or eating a meal together.
Forgive – If you can't forget why you became a single parent you should learn to forgive your child's other parent. If you can't do it alone get the help of a counselor who can help you work through things.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
If you're looking for better ways to cope with your single parent situation, try to remember these very important tips.
Stop Being too Hard on Yourself – No one is Mr. Perfect and you can't do it all on your own. Learn how to be kind to yourself and be understanding. You should also learn how to make mistakes and learn from these mistakes as well.
Take Care of Yourself – Make sure you see a doctor on a regular basis and get the required sleep that you need. Make sure you also eat meals that are healthy and properly balanced. You should get as much rest as you can and take activities that are important in order to relieve your stress. Your children can't be properly taken care of until you feel absolutely well yourself.
Look For Help When You Need It – Whether the help you need comes from your family or whether it comes from your friends, you should know that it is something that everyone needs. Single parents need to overcome the need to do everything on their own. If you feel overwhelmed and tired you can simply ask another mom whom you know to take your children out for a while so you can rest. You should also offer to reciprocate whenever they need a break. If you have no idea how to handle smart mouthed teen, you should take some time out to ask necessary questions.
Be the Best But Don't Expect Perfection – No perfect dual families exist. If two people can't do it successful it won't be that easy on your own. Nobody is perfect and not everyone can be a perfect model parent. Learn to accept the limitations that you have as well as your imperfections and handle them.
Get a Routine - Children require flexibility and a routine in order to feel safe. One way that you can provide these feelings that they need is by setting up a routine or a schedule. You should do simple things like reading before you go to sleep or taking walks in the park on a Sunday afternoon, always give your children something that they can rely on and look forward to.
Slow Down – Life is hectic and it is important for you to sit down and think of what is important for you and your children and put everything else on the shelf. Make sure that you have some quiet time that all of you can enjoy together. Whether this is about reading together, watching sitcoms or eating a meal together.
Forgive – If you can't forget why you became a single parent you should learn to forgive your child's other parent. If you can't do it alone get the help of a counselor who can help you work through things.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
The Good that Discipline Can Do
Taking a strong stand isn't a bad thing for parents to try and learn. Kids need discipline because it teaches them what acceptable behavior is and what it isn't. At certain times punishment may be necessary in order to impart what consequences are all about to children. However you should make sure that this discipline is kept short and you should respect the feelings of you child too. If you want to be strict it doesn't mean that you have to abuse or belittle your child. It's all about taking the lead so you teach your children how to behave in a proper, respectful and appropriate manner.
Too many parents have the fear that they may crush the spirit of a child or overwhelm them by placing too many limits on them. When they do this they refrain from discipline and the adverse effects lead to uncontrollable and disrespectful children later on in life.
Children need limits and they want them too. It makes them feel safe and loved at the same time. Children haven't yet understood how to control their urges and their desires and they need their parents as guides in order to know what is okay and what isn't. Discipline isn't just about creating well-behaved children; it's about creating children who are well-rounded and emotionally healthy as well.
Selecting the best form of discipline may be the toughest thing that a parent has to do. Each child is a different person and while time-outs may be suitable for some children, an appropriate amount of smacking may do well to get your point across. In order to deal with the discipline issues in your home you might want to follow through with these simple child development tips.
Respecting the Stage of Development of a Child
If you know why your toddler continues to play in the bathroom when you've told them not to several times, it may help you cope better with frustration and understand if your child is just being defiant or learning to explore the world in a way that is normal and natural.
Match Discipline to a Child's Level of Development
Toddlers can be diverted without much ado but older children may require a time out or some other type of discipline in order to get them to stop whatever it is that they're doing. You should try to learn what works best with a particular child's state of development so that you can get the best results.
Select Discipline that Matches the Child
Never use the same form of discipline with every child. Some children require a harsher form of discipline that other people. What will work for some people will not necessarily work for others.
A Great Role Model
If your child sees you losing your temper when you fail to get your own way, they'll pick up on the same thing too. Teach your children how they can handle frustration and disappointment by being a better role model.
Show Children Love and Tenderness
When discipline is over it is always good to hug your child and reinforce the fact that you care about them even when they disobey you. It can be very comforting to know that you are important to your parents even when you mess up.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Too many parents have the fear that they may crush the spirit of a child or overwhelm them by placing too many limits on them. When they do this they refrain from discipline and the adverse effects lead to uncontrollable and disrespectful children later on in life.
Children need limits and they want them too. It makes them feel safe and loved at the same time. Children haven't yet understood how to control their urges and their desires and they need their parents as guides in order to know what is okay and what isn't. Discipline isn't just about creating well-behaved children; it's about creating children who are well-rounded and emotionally healthy as well.
Selecting the best form of discipline may be the toughest thing that a parent has to do. Each child is a different person and while time-outs may be suitable for some children, an appropriate amount of smacking may do well to get your point across. In order to deal with the discipline issues in your home you might want to follow through with these simple child development tips.
Respecting the Stage of Development of a Child
If you know why your toddler continues to play in the bathroom when you've told them not to several times, it may help you cope better with frustration and understand if your child is just being defiant or learning to explore the world in a way that is normal and natural.
Match Discipline to a Child's Level of Development
Toddlers can be diverted without much ado but older children may require a time out or some other type of discipline in order to get them to stop whatever it is that they're doing. You should try to learn what works best with a particular child's state of development so that you can get the best results.
Select Discipline that Matches the Child
Never use the same form of discipline with every child. Some children require a harsher form of discipline that other people. What will work for some people will not necessarily work for others.
A Great Role Model
If your child sees you losing your temper when you fail to get your own way, they'll pick up on the same thing too. Teach your children how they can handle frustration and disappointment by being a better role model.
Show Children Love and Tenderness
When discipline is over it is always good to hug your child and reinforce the fact that you care about them even when they disobey you. It can be very comforting to know that you are important to your parents even when you mess up.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
The Dangers of Hovering around Your Children
Parents who hover are an easily recognizable thing. Think of the mom at the playground who won't let her children go down the slide. Think of your next door neighbor who drives her children to school, because she's scared that the school bus may get into an accident. Think of the Dad at the local Boy Scouts who won't allow his son practice knot-tying because he's scared that the child may accidentally strangle himself with rope.
In order to protect your children from the existing dangers that exist in the world today, you have to recognize the different between protection and being over-bearing. It becomes dangerous to a child's sense of well-being and their ability to make decisions and be responsible. It also affects the ability of these children to socialize with people within their peer group and handle any encounters or physical dangers that they may face.
When you are overprotective it can easily sap the confidence of your child without you getting to realize it. When you hover it prevents your children from experiencing the challenges and successes that children need to experience in order for them to grow into stronger and confident adults prepared to face the world. It is painful when your child is the only person who isn't invited to a party but rather than confronting the other parent and making it a compulsory matter, you should teach your child how to handle disappointment in life.
The term "helicopter parent" is becoming all the more prevalent on today's college campuses. Many baby boomer tend to find themselves interfering with the lives of their children in every single way possible bothering everyone from room mates to professors down to prospective employers. This may sound like something out of a book but you'll hear of many parents attending interviews with college graduates and calling prospective employers to learn why their children didn't get a particular job.
Being involved in the life of your child is a good thing, but running all the aspects of the life of your child is something else entirely. One author Mel Levin was parents especially those who he feels are trying to create children that will be unable to handle the travails of life now and in the future.
How do you know when you're going too far as a parent? These are some simple signs that you may be turning into a helicopter parent.
When you find yourself interfering too much with your children when they are playing. Small children may do different things in order to get their own way; they will fight push, kick and scratch. This is a way that they learn what make ups acceptable social behavior and what doesn't.
*
Whenever you're constantly trying to fix the hurt feelings of your child you may be coming overbearing. No one can be completely happy all the time. You should no when to step in and when not to. A lot of disappointments occur in life and the sooner that your children cope with these disappointments the better for them and for you. Teach them how to handle their disappointments in a more productive way.
*
When you're always in contact with your child you may be turning into an overbearing parent. It's perfectly normal to want to know where your children are but when you feel the need to contact them on their phone several times a day, then it may be going too far. Let your children handle their own schedules on their own and deal with the consequences whenever they fail to comply with things like remembering their own homework.
*
If you feel terrible with yourself whenever your child doesn't succeed then you have a problem. Your sense of self worth shouldn't be based on the success of your child.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
In order to protect your children from the existing dangers that exist in the world today, you have to recognize the different between protection and being over-bearing. It becomes dangerous to a child's sense of well-being and their ability to make decisions and be responsible. It also affects the ability of these children to socialize with people within their peer group and handle any encounters or physical dangers that they may face.
When you are overprotective it can easily sap the confidence of your child without you getting to realize it. When you hover it prevents your children from experiencing the challenges and successes that children need to experience in order for them to grow into stronger and confident adults prepared to face the world. It is painful when your child is the only person who isn't invited to a party but rather than confronting the other parent and making it a compulsory matter, you should teach your child how to handle disappointment in life.
The term "helicopter parent" is becoming all the more prevalent on today's college campuses. Many baby boomer tend to find themselves interfering with the lives of their children in every single way possible bothering everyone from room mates to professors down to prospective employers. This may sound like something out of a book but you'll hear of many parents attending interviews with college graduates and calling prospective employers to learn why their children didn't get a particular job.
Being involved in the life of your child is a good thing, but running all the aspects of the life of your child is something else entirely. One author Mel Levin was parents especially those who he feels are trying to create children that will be unable to handle the travails of life now and in the future.
How do you know when you're going too far as a parent? These are some simple signs that you may be turning into a helicopter parent.
When you find yourself interfering too much with your children when they are playing. Small children may do different things in order to get their own way; they will fight push, kick and scratch. This is a way that they learn what make ups acceptable social behavior and what doesn't.
*
Whenever you're constantly trying to fix the hurt feelings of your child you may be coming overbearing. No one can be completely happy all the time. You should no when to step in and when not to. A lot of disappointments occur in life and the sooner that your children cope with these disappointments the better for them and for you. Teach them how to handle their disappointments in a more productive way.
*
When you're always in contact with your child you may be turning into an overbearing parent. It's perfectly normal to want to know where your children are but when you feel the need to contact them on their phone several times a day, then it may be going too far. Let your children handle their own schedules on their own and deal with the consequences whenever they fail to comply with things like remembering their own homework.
*
If you feel terrible with yourself whenever your child doesn't succeed then you have a problem. Your sense of self worth shouldn't be based on the success of your child.
Article Source: http://www.singlefather.com
Monday, January 21, 2008
Ten Ways To Help Children Through Divorce
By Ed Sherman
To wonder “Will kids be alright after divorce” is a common fear amongst parents going through a divorce process. Though there are no black or white answers, there are certain approaches parents are recommended to take in order to make this transition as easy on the children of divorce as possible. Here, Ed Sherman offers parents some of these important tips:
Going through a divorce is no fun for anyone, but children are especially vulnerable. Divorce specialist attorney Ed Sherman reveals in his book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better, the following 10 things you can do to make a big difference in how well your children survive.
1. Tell children the truth in simple terms with simple explanations. Tell them where their other parent has gone.
2. Reassure them that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will be safe and secure.
3. Your children will see that parents can stop loving each other. Reassure them that a parent’s love for a child is a special kind that never stops.
4. Spend time with each child individually. Whether you have custody or visitation, the most important thing to the child is your individual relationship with him or her. Build the best relationship you can. The future is built of many tiny moments.
5. Children feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them that they are not to blame. They may also feel that it is their responsibility to bring their parents back together. Let them know your decision is final and will have to be accepted.
6. Divorcing parents often feel guilty and become overindulgent. Give your child love, but also give limits.
7. Your child is still a child and can’t become the man of the house or a little mother. Continue to be the parent to your child. Seek other adults to fill your own need for companionship.
8. Avoid situations that place a child in the impossible position of choosing between parents:
* Don’t use your child as a way to get back at your spouse. Children can be terribly wounded this way.
* Don’t say bad things about the other parent in hearing of a child.
* Don’t say or do anything that might discourage the child from spending time with the other parent.
* Don’t encourage a child to take sides.
9. You and your former spouse will continue to be the parents of your children for life. Pledge to cooperate responsibly toward the growth and development of your children as an expression of your mutual love for them.
10. Be patient and understanding with your children. Be patient and understanding with yourself.
Even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing, cooperating with your spouse during your divorce is one of the best things you can do for your children. They learn that conflicts can be resolved eventually, which is a valuable lesson.
About The Author
Ed Sherman is a divorce specialist attorney and award-winning author of How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. His books and software have saved millions of people billions of dollars in unnecessary attorney fees. Visit http://www.nolotech.com/
To wonder “Will kids be alright after divorce” is a common fear amongst parents going through a divorce process. Though there are no black or white answers, there are certain approaches parents are recommended to take in order to make this transition as easy on the children of divorce as possible. Here, Ed Sherman offers parents some of these important tips:
Going through a divorce is no fun for anyone, but children are especially vulnerable. Divorce specialist attorney Ed Sherman reveals in his book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better, the following 10 things you can do to make a big difference in how well your children survive.
1. Tell children the truth in simple terms with simple explanations. Tell them where their other parent has gone.
2. Reassure them that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will be safe and secure.
3. Your children will see that parents can stop loving each other. Reassure them that a parent’s love for a child is a special kind that never stops.
4. Spend time with each child individually. Whether you have custody or visitation, the most important thing to the child is your individual relationship with him or her. Build the best relationship you can. The future is built of many tiny moments.
5. Children feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them that they are not to blame. They may also feel that it is their responsibility to bring their parents back together. Let them know your decision is final and will have to be accepted.
6. Divorcing parents often feel guilty and become overindulgent. Give your child love, but also give limits.
7. Your child is still a child and can’t become the man of the house or a little mother. Continue to be the parent to your child. Seek other adults to fill your own need for companionship.
8. Avoid situations that place a child in the impossible position of choosing between parents:
* Don’t use your child as a way to get back at your spouse. Children can be terribly wounded this way.
* Don’t say bad things about the other parent in hearing of a child.
* Don’t say or do anything that might discourage the child from spending time with the other parent.
* Don’t encourage a child to take sides.
9. You and your former spouse will continue to be the parents of your children for life. Pledge to cooperate responsibly toward the growth and development of your children as an expression of your mutual love for them.
10. Be patient and understanding with your children. Be patient and understanding with yourself.
Even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing, cooperating with your spouse during your divorce is one of the best things you can do for your children. They learn that conflicts can be resolved eventually, which is a valuable lesson.
About The Author
Ed Sherman is a divorce specialist attorney and award-winning author of How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. His books and software have saved millions of people billions of dollars in unnecessary attorney fees. Visit http://www.nolotech.com/
Single Parenting - 7 Parenting Mistakes To Avoid With Your Teenager
As a single parent, are you concerned about how your divorce has effected your teenager? Are you looking for some guidance as a single parent of a teenager? Here are 7 parenting mistakes to avoid as a single parent of a teenager.
Being a single parent inherently comes with challenges. As a counselor, often single parents ask what mistakes they need to avoid when parenting their teenager. Many single parents are concerned about any consequences of their divorce that could negatively affect their teenager. Here are some common mistakes to avoid:
Mistake 1: Lying to them
Honesty is always best, especially when parenting teenagers. First, today’s teenagers are quite savvy and know when they are being conned. Also, dishonesty only destroys trust, which is something that is needed most during this transitional time.
Mistake 2: Avoiding discipline
Wherever there is a lack of any discipline, there is manipulation. Dictionary.com provides this definition of discipline, “Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.” Notice the emphasis on improved character rather than punishment.
Mistake 3: Eliminate any structure or routine
Divorce is a transitional time for everyone involved. Each person’s routine is adversely affected. A structured home environment filled with routines and chores provides a sense of order and ownership. This is beneficial particularly if there is chaos resulting from the divorce.
Mistake 4: Forget about them
As a single parent, you are forced to wear many hats and fill many different roles - often simultaneously. In addition, you are in the midst of trying to provide a stable home environment, work full time, and recover from the emotional adjustment of a being a single parent. In the midst of this, I encourage you to find some time to be intentional on spending time with your teenager on a regular basis. Help them to see that you are available to them, and concerned about any needs they may have.
Mistake 5: Continue fighting with your former spouse
If a marital relationship has been turbulent, then many teenagers anticipate a divorce will bring about a much needed sense of peace. However, if conflict continues after divorce has been finalized then your teenager may experience some emotional difficulty adjusting to the divorce. As much as you are able, try to keep any discussions with your former spouse cordial and focused on your teenager.
Mistake 6: Don’t get them any outside help
Divorce can affect teenagers in many different ways. Some may open up emotionally and sharing their feelings freely. However, others may withdraw from family and friends and become reclusive. Others may enter into some behavioral problems that may have not been there before. If you have any concerns about how your teenager is recovering from the divorce then I encourage you to seek out a qualified professional counselor.
Mistake 7: Assuming nothing is wrong
Another common parenting mistake is to assume that your teenager has been completely untouched by the divorce. There lives seem undisturbed as if the divorce is a minor incident in the tapestry of their lives. And this is true for many teenagers. However, there are others that will give the appearance that all is well, when in fact the opposite is the case. They may do this to save face for them, or they can react this way to give their parents one less thing to worry about. Communicate with your teenager on an ongoing basis about his/her feelings about their new life and its challenges.
Being a single parent inherently comes with challenges. As a counselor, often single parents ask what mistakes they need to avoid when parenting their teenager. Many single parents are concerned about any consequences of their divorce that could negatively affect their teenager. Here are some common mistakes to avoid:
Mistake 1: Lying to them
Honesty is always best, especially when parenting teenagers. First, today’s teenagers are quite savvy and know when they are being conned. Also, dishonesty only destroys trust, which is something that is needed most during this transitional time.
Mistake 2: Avoiding discipline
Wherever there is a lack of any discipline, there is manipulation. Dictionary.com provides this definition of discipline, “Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.” Notice the emphasis on improved character rather than punishment.
Mistake 3: Eliminate any structure or routine
Divorce is a transitional time for everyone involved. Each person’s routine is adversely affected. A structured home environment filled with routines and chores provides a sense of order and ownership. This is beneficial particularly if there is chaos resulting from the divorce.
Mistake 4: Forget about them
As a single parent, you are forced to wear many hats and fill many different roles - often simultaneously. In addition, you are in the midst of trying to provide a stable home environment, work full time, and recover from the emotional adjustment of a being a single parent. In the midst of this, I encourage you to find some time to be intentional on spending time with your teenager on a regular basis. Help them to see that you are available to them, and concerned about any needs they may have.
Mistake 5: Continue fighting with your former spouse
If a marital relationship has been turbulent, then many teenagers anticipate a divorce will bring about a much needed sense of peace. However, if conflict continues after divorce has been finalized then your teenager may experience some emotional difficulty adjusting to the divorce. As much as you are able, try to keep any discussions with your former spouse cordial and focused on your teenager.
Mistake 6: Don’t get them any outside help
Divorce can affect teenagers in many different ways. Some may open up emotionally and sharing their feelings freely. However, others may withdraw from family and friends and become reclusive. Others may enter into some behavioral problems that may have not been there before. If you have any concerns about how your teenager is recovering from the divorce then I encourage you to seek out a qualified professional counselor.
Mistake 7: Assuming nothing is wrong
Another common parenting mistake is to assume that your teenager has been completely untouched by the divorce. There lives seem undisturbed as if the divorce is a minor incident in the tapestry of their lives. And this is true for many teenagers. However, there are others that will give the appearance that all is well, when in fact the opposite is the case. They may do this to save face for them, or they can react this way to give their parents one less thing to worry about. Communicate with your teenager on an ongoing basis about his/her feelings about their new life and its challenges.
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