Every life has its milestones. Not only the big ones like birth marriage and death, but many smaller ones – birthdays, moving school, Christmas, even sports days - and these are the ones you often miss after separation.
Until you’re on your own, you often don’t realise just how much you will miss. Indeed, if you and your partner break up before your child is born, you can miss out on the birth, which can be a huge loss. What can you do about missing milestones in the lives of your children, and how can you arrange things so you don’t miss them all?
Missing the Milestones
The nature of contact means that you’re bound to miss many of the milestones in the lives of your children. You won’t generally be invited to birthday parties, and their Christmases will generally be spent with their mother and her family. In most cases, though, not being physically present doesn’t mean complete exclusion. You will have contact close to the time, and you can use that as a celebration. You can also phone them, send birthday and Christmas cards, and presents either to be opened on the day or when your kids are with you. It’s not the same things, but it does tell your children that you remember and that you care.
With parental responsibility, you can be legally involved in where your children go to school, so when they move up, you can have a say in things. Listen to what your kids want in this; after all, their involvement is direct. Then contact your ex and offer your recommendations. She is probably the one who’ll attend parents’ evenings at schools.
If relations with her are good, ask her what the teachers have been saying about your children. Ask the kids to bring their reports and sit down and talk to them about the comments.
Of course, in some instances relations with your ex are so bad that there can be little civil contact between you. This presents problems, but on major issues you can invoke parental responsibility to make your views heard.
Being There For Milestones
At times you might be able to negotiate things so your children spend a birthday or Christmas with you, or that you can attend a school event instead of your ex (in some important instances, it might even be possible for the two of you to go together). You might not consider it at the time, but if you’re negotiating directly with your ex for contact, try to have every other Christmas as part of the arrangement (or at the very least, Boxing Day). It allows you to celebrate at least some of the holidays with your children, and on a personal level, can greatly brighten what can be a very lonely season for you.
As far as possible, you should try to be involved in the milestones of your children’s lives. No, you may not be there the first time they successfully ride a bike, but you can perhaps arrange to attend a school sports day where they’re running – in fact, your ex might be glad to let you go in her stead at times.
It’s not easy, and inevitably you’ll miss more than you attend (indeed, where you have no chance to be involved, even though you want to be, you’ll miss them all, which can be heartbreaking). But make the most of the milestones for which you’re there; enjoy them with your kids.
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Missing Important Milestones in Your Child's Life
Every life has its milestones. Not only the big ones like birth marriage and death, but many smaller ones – birthdays, moving school, Christmas, even sports days - and these are the ones you often miss after separation.
Until you’re on your own, you often don’t realise just how much you will miss. Indeed, if you and your partner break up before your child is born, you can miss out on the birth, which can be a huge loss. What can you do about missing milestones in the lives of your children, and how can you arrange things so you don’t miss them all?
Missing the Milestones
The nature of contact means that you’re bound to miss many of the milestones in the lives of your children. You won’t generally be invited to birthday parties, and their Christmases will generally be spent with their mother and her family. In most cases, though, not being physically present doesn’t mean complete exclusion. You will have contact close to the time, and you can use that as a celebration. You can also phone them, send birthday and Christmas cards, and presents either to be opened on the day or when your kids are with you. It’s not the same things, but it does tell your children that you remember and that you care.
With parental responsibility, you can be legally involved in where your children go to school, so when they move up, you can have a say in things. Listen to what your kids want in this; after all, their involvement is direct. Then contact your ex and offer your recommendations. She is probably the one who’ll attend parents’ evenings at schools.
If relations with her are good, ask her what the teachers have been saying about your children. Ask the kids to bring their reports and sit down and talk to them about the comments.
Of course, in some instances relations with your ex are so bad that there can be little civil contact between you. This presents problems, but on major issues you can invoke parental responsibility to make your views heard.
Being There For Milestones
At times you might be able to negotiate things so your children spend a birthday or Christmas with you, or that you can attend a school event instead of your ex (in some important instances, it might even be possible for the two of you to go together). You might not consider it at the time, but if you’re negotiating directly with your ex for contact, try to have every other Christmas as part of the arrangement (or at the very least, Boxing Day). It allows you to celebrate at least some of the holidays with your children, and on a personal level, can greatly brighten what can be a very lonely season for you.
As far as possible, you should try to be involved in the milestones of your children’s lives. No, you may not be there the first time they successfully ride a bike, but you can perhaps arrange to attend a school sports day where they’re running – in fact, your ex might be glad to let you go in her stead at times.
It’s not easy, and inevitably you’ll miss more than you attend (indeed, where you have no chance to be involved, even though you want to be, you’ll miss them all, which can be heartbreaking). But make the most of the milestones for which you’re there; enjoy them with your kids.
Until you’re on your own, you often don’t realise just how much you will miss. Indeed, if you and your partner break up before your child is born, you can miss out on the birth, which can be a huge loss. What can you do about missing milestones in the lives of your children, and how can you arrange things so you don’t miss them all?
Missing the Milestones
The nature of contact means that you’re bound to miss many of the milestones in the lives of your children. You won’t generally be invited to birthday parties, and their Christmases will generally be spent with their mother and her family. In most cases, though, not being physically present doesn’t mean complete exclusion. You will have contact close to the time, and you can use that as a celebration. You can also phone them, send birthday and Christmas cards, and presents either to be opened on the day or when your kids are with you. It’s not the same things, but it does tell your children that you remember and that you care.
With parental responsibility, you can be legally involved in where your children go to school, so when they move up, you can have a say in things. Listen to what your kids want in this; after all, their involvement is direct. Then contact your ex and offer your recommendations. She is probably the one who’ll attend parents’ evenings at schools.
If relations with her are good, ask her what the teachers have been saying about your children. Ask the kids to bring their reports and sit down and talk to them about the comments.
Of course, in some instances relations with your ex are so bad that there can be little civil contact between you. This presents problems, but on major issues you can invoke parental responsibility to make your views heard.
Being There For Milestones
At times you might be able to negotiate things so your children spend a birthday or Christmas with you, or that you can attend a school event instead of your ex (in some important instances, it might even be possible for the two of you to go together). You might not consider it at the time, but if you’re negotiating directly with your ex for contact, try to have every other Christmas as part of the arrangement (or at the very least, Boxing Day). It allows you to celebrate at least some of the holidays with your children, and on a personal level, can greatly brighten what can be a very lonely season for you.
As far as possible, you should try to be involved in the milestones of your children’s lives. No, you may not be there the first time they successfully ride a bike, but you can perhaps arrange to attend a school sports day where they’re running – in fact, your ex might be glad to let you go in her stead at times.
It’s not easy, and inevitably you’ll miss more than you attend (indeed, where you have no chance to be involved, even though you want to be, you’ll miss them all, which can be heartbreaking). But make the most of the milestones for which you’re there; enjoy them with your kids.
Talking to Your Child About You Having More Children
You can be the best parent in the world and keep a close bond with your kids after separation. They might even love your new partner, and thoroughly enjoy spending time with you and her. But if the time comes that you and your new partner are expecting a baby of your own, they can see that bond as threatened.
That’s perfectly understandable on their part. They worry that another child, especially a baby, will mean that you’ll love them less and have less time for them. What you have to do, and keep on doing, is prove to them that’s not true.
Telling Them about the Pregnancy
Don’t put off telling your children that your partner is pregnant. The earlier you tell them, the better, since it gives them more time to become used to the idea. However, you should probably wait until the first trimester, with its danger of miscarriage, is complete – having to explain pregnancy then miscarriage can be one step too many for some.
Sit your kids down and explain the situation matter-of-factly. Reinforce the idea that you love them and they’re always going to be very important in your life. If possible, both you and your new partner should sit down with the kids. It might involve a brief explanation of the facts of life, depending on the ages of your children.
Tell them you want them involved with the baby (if you have girls, they’ll probably welcome this), that it will be a brother or sister to them – this keeps them as part of your family.
As The Pregnancy Develops
There’s no reason for you to change what you do when you have your children with you. Continue your activities, but keep involving them in the pregnancy – touching the bump when the baby’s kicking, for instance. Your partner might no longer be able to take part in all your activities with your kids, but that’s fine. Enjoy the time you have alone with your children, keep them secure in your affections and as part of the family. Treat the pregnancy as just another part of life; don’t dwell on it too much with them, so it will seem a perfectly normal event.
After The Baby’s Born
Once the baby’s home, bring your kids over to see it. Make sure, though, that they know how fragile the little one is. This can be the hardest time, for you, juggling the demands of a baby with the need to see and enjoy your other children. But it’s also the most crucial time. Taking time away from your kids for the baby can make them believe the baby is more important than they are. So no matter how tired you are, be certain to give them their full share of your time. Keep them involved with the baby; give them small tasks to help, so they feel an attachment, rather than a resentment of this new addition. At the same time, make sure you do things with your kids on their own. Most vitally, never treat the baby as more important than your kids. Equality is the key.
It might take several months until your kids fully accept the baby and stop seeing it as a threat. If you’ve given your kids as much attention as you did before, and continue to do so, you’ll successfully build a strong extended family.
That’s perfectly understandable on their part. They worry that another child, especially a baby, will mean that you’ll love them less and have less time for them. What you have to do, and keep on doing, is prove to them that’s not true.
Telling Them about the Pregnancy
Don’t put off telling your children that your partner is pregnant. The earlier you tell them, the better, since it gives them more time to become used to the idea. However, you should probably wait until the first trimester, with its danger of miscarriage, is complete – having to explain pregnancy then miscarriage can be one step too many for some.
Sit your kids down and explain the situation matter-of-factly. Reinforce the idea that you love them and they’re always going to be very important in your life. If possible, both you and your new partner should sit down with the kids. It might involve a brief explanation of the facts of life, depending on the ages of your children.
Tell them you want them involved with the baby (if you have girls, they’ll probably welcome this), that it will be a brother or sister to them – this keeps them as part of your family.
As The Pregnancy Develops
There’s no reason for you to change what you do when you have your children with you. Continue your activities, but keep involving them in the pregnancy – touching the bump when the baby’s kicking, for instance. Your partner might no longer be able to take part in all your activities with your kids, but that’s fine. Enjoy the time you have alone with your children, keep them secure in your affections and as part of the family. Treat the pregnancy as just another part of life; don’t dwell on it too much with them, so it will seem a perfectly normal event.
After The Baby’s Born
Once the baby’s home, bring your kids over to see it. Make sure, though, that they know how fragile the little one is. This can be the hardest time, for you, juggling the demands of a baby with the need to see and enjoy your other children. But it’s also the most crucial time. Taking time away from your kids for the baby can make them believe the baby is more important than they are. So no matter how tired you are, be certain to give them their full share of your time. Keep them involved with the baby; give them small tasks to help, so they feel an attachment, rather than a resentment of this new addition. At the same time, make sure you do things with your kids on their own. Most vitally, never treat the baby as more important than your kids. Equality is the key.
It might take several months until your kids fully accept the baby and stop seeing it as a threat. If you’ve given your kids as much attention as you did before, and continue to do so, you’ll successfully build a strong extended family.
Communication With Your Children
One thing you’ll find not being around your children all the time, is that communication with them can become more difficult and more stilted. That can become worrying, since you want to stay close to your kids, to know what’s going on in their daily lives, and what they’re thinking and feeling. The ability to keep in touch can be a big factor.
But there are ways to make sure that growing apart doesn’t happen, at least if your children are old enough. Your physical contact might be limited, so you only spend a relatively small amount of time with them, but don’t let that discourage you. There are other methods.
Online
For most kids over the age of eight, computers are a completely normal part of life nowadays. They’re also an excellent way for you to communicate with your children. Many kids have e-mail addresses through school, and there are plenty of web-based free mail services.
If your kids have a computer at home, when they’re visiting you, set up an e-mail account for them, and also an Instant Messaging account with a relatively safe service like MSN (both are free, but you should check with your former partner first). Show them how to use it. This makes for a great way to keep in touch. You can set aside time on the weekends you don’t see your children to spend time together online, either chatting or playing online games together. You should, of course, teach them about online safety. There’s one great plus to communicating this way – it enhances their computer skills.
Phone
The phone is an excellent way of staying in touch. You can call your kids in the evening, or buy them mobiles and talk to them on their way home from school. It’s a chance for chatting on a regular basis – every evening, if possible. The calls don’t have to be long, just an opportunity for you to catch up on what’s happened during their day.
What to Talk About With Your Children
Children can be notoriously uncommunicative. Ask about school and you’ll hear “it was okay,” or something similar. Draw them out where you can, ask a few questions, enough so you can gauge what’s happening. But don’t just talk; listen, too. Let them lead the conversation, talking about things that are important to them. Develop an interest in their interests so you can talk more knowledgably about them (and you’ll discover that in many cases, interests can change from month to month, so you’ll be playing catch-up).
Above all, simply talking is the most important thing – often it doesn’t matter what you talk about. The more often you can do it, the stronger the bond between you and your children. Many men only talk to their children when they have contact, and it takes a determined, ongoing effort to keep regular contact, but the results are more than worth it.
Obviously, the situation is far easier when your ex doesn’t put obstacles in your way. But if you have parental responsibility, you should be able to have regular access via phone calls or online with your kids.
It’s important to keep as many channels of communication as possible open with your kids. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues they’ll face in life – sex and drugs, for example. These might be addressed at school, but it never hurts to reinforce them. Also, if you talk to your ex and hear about issues that the children have, discuss those with them, too. It’s not simply part of being a parent; it’s also caring and wanting the best for your children.
But there are ways to make sure that growing apart doesn’t happen, at least if your children are old enough. Your physical contact might be limited, so you only spend a relatively small amount of time with them, but don’t let that discourage you. There are other methods.
Online
For most kids over the age of eight, computers are a completely normal part of life nowadays. They’re also an excellent way for you to communicate with your children. Many kids have e-mail addresses through school, and there are plenty of web-based free mail services.
If your kids have a computer at home, when they’re visiting you, set up an e-mail account for them, and also an Instant Messaging account with a relatively safe service like MSN (both are free, but you should check with your former partner first). Show them how to use it. This makes for a great way to keep in touch. You can set aside time on the weekends you don’t see your children to spend time together online, either chatting or playing online games together. You should, of course, teach them about online safety. There’s one great plus to communicating this way – it enhances their computer skills.
Phone
The phone is an excellent way of staying in touch. You can call your kids in the evening, or buy them mobiles and talk to them on their way home from school. It’s a chance for chatting on a regular basis – every evening, if possible. The calls don’t have to be long, just an opportunity for you to catch up on what’s happened during their day.
What to Talk About With Your Children
Children can be notoriously uncommunicative. Ask about school and you’ll hear “it was okay,” or something similar. Draw them out where you can, ask a few questions, enough so you can gauge what’s happening. But don’t just talk; listen, too. Let them lead the conversation, talking about things that are important to them. Develop an interest in their interests so you can talk more knowledgably about them (and you’ll discover that in many cases, interests can change from month to month, so you’ll be playing catch-up).
Above all, simply talking is the most important thing – often it doesn’t matter what you talk about. The more often you can do it, the stronger the bond between you and your children. Many men only talk to their children when they have contact, and it takes a determined, ongoing effort to keep regular contact, but the results are more than worth it.
Obviously, the situation is far easier when your ex doesn’t put obstacles in your way. But if you have parental responsibility, you should be able to have regular access via phone calls or online with your kids.
It’s important to keep as many channels of communication as possible open with your kids. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues they’ll face in life – sex and drugs, for example. These might be addressed at school, but it never hurts to reinforce them. Also, if you talk to your ex and hear about issues that the children have, discuss those with them, too. It’s not simply part of being a parent; it’s also caring and wanting the best for your children.
Talking to Kids About Your Separation From Them
Separating from your partner is a hugely traumatic experience not just for you, but also for your children. For adults it can be bewildering and terrifying, but put yourself in the position of your children: They’ve been used to having two parents around, and suddenly that security they’ve known is being ripped away. One of their parents, which in most cases means you, the father, will no longer be around every day. Their world is going to be shattered. So how do you explain it all to them?
Preparation
If possible, you and your partner should sit down together and decide what to tell your children. Don’t argue in front of the kids – the less poisonous the atmosphere, the better for everyone.
Children are smarter than many believe. They’ll have a sense that things aren’t right, even if they don’t understand exactly what’s happening. You should strenuously avoid saying negative things about your partner in front of the children (this applies all the time, not simply during the separation process).
If at all possible, sit down with the children and explain things a little while before you move out. Give them time to adjust to the idea rather than presenting them with something as it occurs.
The Most Important Points
It’s impossible to stress it enough, but make sure that you tell the children that the separation isn’t their fault. It’s common for children to feel responsible when their parents split up, so emphasise often that the reasons have nothing to do with them. When explaining the situation to your kids, the two of you should do it with respect for each other. Accusations and shouting will only upset your children even more.
As part of that, reiterate often that both you and their mother love them, and want the best for them. Encourage their questions, and give the most honest answers that you can (at the time it’s often not possible to know exactly what you’re feeling).
It might not be possible, but the best scenario is if you and your partner can sit down together with the children and explain the situation to them. With young children, going into any kind of detail is pointless, as they won’t understand. Older children will almost certainly have friends with separated or divorced parents, so explain the circumstances to them.
If living conditions are going to change for your kids, tell them. They might be moving to a new house or a new school. Tell them as far ahead of time as possible. This will be a stressful time for them, and they’ll need the support of both parents even if you’re not together. Make sure you’re available to them, in person, on the phone and by e-mail, when they need you.
The Problems
Of course, with some splits the parents find it impossible to sit down together for an explanation to the children. When that happens, sit down alone with your kids, tell them you and your partner are separating and that you have to move out. However, make sure you tell them where you’ll be, and explain to them the ways they can get hold of you (phone, e-mail), and that you will see them regularly and always be available to them.
Take care, too, not to bad mouth your partner, however you feel. It serves no purpose, and forces your children to take sides, one parent against the other, making them pawns in a game which leaves them in a very uncomfortable position.
Remember throughout that both you and your partner want the best for your children. Whatever your situation, keep that uppermost in your mind.
Preparation
If possible, you and your partner should sit down together and decide what to tell your children. Don’t argue in front of the kids – the less poisonous the atmosphere, the better for everyone.
Children are smarter than many believe. They’ll have a sense that things aren’t right, even if they don’t understand exactly what’s happening. You should strenuously avoid saying negative things about your partner in front of the children (this applies all the time, not simply during the separation process).
If at all possible, sit down with the children and explain things a little while before you move out. Give them time to adjust to the idea rather than presenting them with something as it occurs.
The Most Important Points
It’s impossible to stress it enough, but make sure that you tell the children that the separation isn’t their fault. It’s common for children to feel responsible when their parents split up, so emphasise often that the reasons have nothing to do with them. When explaining the situation to your kids, the two of you should do it with respect for each other. Accusations and shouting will only upset your children even more.
As part of that, reiterate often that both you and their mother love them, and want the best for them. Encourage their questions, and give the most honest answers that you can (at the time it’s often not possible to know exactly what you’re feeling).
It might not be possible, but the best scenario is if you and your partner can sit down together with the children and explain the situation to them. With young children, going into any kind of detail is pointless, as they won’t understand. Older children will almost certainly have friends with separated or divorced parents, so explain the circumstances to them.
If living conditions are going to change for your kids, tell them. They might be moving to a new house or a new school. Tell them as far ahead of time as possible. This will be a stressful time for them, and they’ll need the support of both parents even if you’re not together. Make sure you’re available to them, in person, on the phone and by e-mail, when they need you.
The Problems
Of course, with some splits the parents find it impossible to sit down together for an explanation to the children. When that happens, sit down alone with your kids, tell them you and your partner are separating and that you have to move out. However, make sure you tell them where you’ll be, and explain to them the ways they can get hold of you (phone, e-mail), and that you will see them regularly and always be available to them.
Take care, too, not to bad mouth your partner, however you feel. It serves no purpose, and forces your children to take sides, one parent against the other, making them pawns in a game which leaves them in a very uncomfortable position.
Remember throughout that both you and your partner want the best for your children. Whatever your situation, keep that uppermost in your mind.
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